alex1960 Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 My wife is friends with a guy who is clearly interested in more but she says they are just friends and nothing will happen. My next question would be, why would you befriend someone who is interested in more? That's a pretty uncomfortable situation to be in, isn't it? They go out late together, he pays her stuff, and she thinks it's just normal.
EasyHeart Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 Because it's a massive ego boost to know that someone is attracted to you. That's perfectly normal. In this case, what's wrong about it is that she is married and is disrespecting you and your relationship in exchange for that ego boost.
Author alex1960 Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 Because it's a massive ego boost to know that someone is attracted to you. That's perfectly normal. In this case, what's wrong about it is that she is married and is disrespecting you and your relationship in exchange for that ego boost. She says she hasn't done anything wrong and I tend to trust her. What I'm concerned about is the ego boost developping into more down the road. I'm old enough to know that we can't control our emotions at times and my wife doesn't seem to get it.
Eeyore79 Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 Your wife is disrespecting you by being friends with a guy who is not a friend of your marriage - she's obviously not maintaining appropriate boundaries. The guy is disrespecting you by trying to steal your wife. She needs to stop seeing him immediately.
phineas Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 Your wife is disrespecting you by being friends with a guy who is not a friend of your marriage - she's obviously not maintaining appropriate boundaries. The guy is disrespecting you by trying to steal your wife. She needs to stop seeing him immediately. If she gives you any "nobody tells me who I can be friends with" crap... find your own attractive lady friend to hang out with. Because at that point I'd think the marriage is in serious trouble.
EasyHeart Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 She says she hasn't done anything wrong and I tend to trust her. What I'm concerned about is the ego boost developping into more down the road. I'm old enough to know that we can't control our emotions at times and my wife doesn't seem to get it.Yup. Most women don't think they've done anything unless they've done something physical. When they start hugging, she'll rationalize it by saying "It's just a friendly hug"; when they start kissing, she'll think "It's only a kiss"; when she goes down on him in a car, she'll say "It's not really sex"; and when she starts going to his house for sex, she'll claim "It doesn't mean anything because it's only physical". Married women are easy pickings if you find the right ones -- the ones who don't maintain strong boundaries. I'm coming at this from the perspective of a single guy who has been there and done that. I'm not proud of it, but that's the reality of the situation. No way this guy wants to be 'just friends'.
reservoirdog1 Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 Your wife is disrespecting you by being friends with a guy who is not a friend of your marriage - she's obviously not maintaining appropriate boundaries. The guy is disrespecting you by trying to steal your wife. She needs to stop seeing him immediately. Bolded because that phrase should be a requirement of absolutely everybody you and she are friends with. You don't have to be buddy-buddy with all of her friends, but as soon as a friend of hers (or yours) makes it clear that they want more than simply friendship, they are in the "enemy of the marriage" category, because they are trying to undermine it. You need to lay down the law. I wouldn't tell her she's not allowed to see him, because that simply gives her an opening to accuse you of being controlling. A better avenue is to point out to her that this so-called "friend" is trying to undermine your marriage and is disrespecting both the marriage and you as her husband. And that by continuing to associate with him, she's sending you some pretty strong signals about her own level of respect for you and the marriage, too. Then tell her that you're not telling her what to do; she has a right as a free human being to decide who she's going to associate with.... but so do you. And you're not interested in associating with people who continue to disrespect you or your marriage. Even if one of those people happens to be your wife. Oh, and if she DOES agree to stop seeing him... keep an eye on her. I'm wondering if there's more going on than you think there is.
Sphere Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 It wouldn't surprise me if she was cheating on you, I don't mean to sound nasty, but going out late at night? To do what? What is open at the dead of night? Nothing, unless they both go late night Salsa dancing or to nightclubs? What's shocking about this is that you seem to a) have set up no boundaries as to what is and isn't acceptable behaviour in your marriage and b) you seem quite happy to let this woman go about her business without ever questioning her actions or motives. She could honestly be having an affair and you would be none the wiser, her actions and his feelings for her spark major red flags to me. I don't mind my woman having male friends and hell these male friends might fancy her, but I would question her on why is she is going out alone with this friend at the dead of night and I'd ask her why is she accepting these presents from this man, if she fails to answer me honestly, I'll pack her things for her and I'd carry her out of the house and tell her to move in with him. If you take action like this, you set boundaries, if a woman is prepared to ignore these boundaries and over step the mark then get rid of her, marriage or not. Your self respect and your dignity should be worth more to you than a woman who clearly doesn't respect you or your dignity.
Author alex1960 Posted September 4, 2010 Author Posted September 4, 2010 If she's doing this just to feed her ego, I'm willing to accept it. Hopefully she'll be through with her crush soon and we can all forget about this. If she has feelings for that guy then it's a different story. Any thoughts?
CLC2008 Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 They go out late together, he pays her stuff, and she thinks it's just normal. No, that is not "normal", when you are in a relationship with someone else. Especially if she knows he is interested in more.
that girl Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 Most women don't think they've done anything unless they've done something physical. When they start hugging, she'll rationalize it by saying "It's just a friendly hug"; when they start kissing, she'll think "It's only a kiss"; when she goes down on him in a car, she'll say "It's not really sex"; and when she starts going to his house for sex, she'll claim "It doesn't mean anything because it's only physical". Everything after the hug is just crazy. Normal people do not think like this. For the OP- How long has she known this guy? How often do they see each other alone? An ego boost is one reason for her to hang out with him, another is that it isn't uncommon for guys to want more. Lots of women just ignore it. But if it is a new friend and they're going out alone all the time, I think you have a right to say something.
Author alex1960 Posted September 4, 2010 Author Posted September 4, 2010 Everything after the hug is just crazy. Normal people do not think like this. For the OP- How long has she known this guy? How often do they see each other alone? An ego boost is one reason for her to hang out with him, another is that it isn't uncommon for guys to want more. Lots of women just ignore it. But if it is a new friend and they're going out alone all the time, I think you have a right to say something. She has known the guy for maybe three years and they hang out (alone) every other month.
that girl Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 Has this been bothering you for three years? Hanging out once a month alone is semi-reasonable to me, but it depends on your relationship.
Author alex1960 Posted September 5, 2010 Author Posted September 5, 2010 Has this been bothering you for three years? Hanging out once a month alone is semi-reasonable to me, but it depends on your relationship. No it only started to bother me when I realized she made a business trip to see her friend. We're both executives so we travel quite a bit for business and I had never questioned this before.
WalkingtheAbyss Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 My wife did just this and it led to a full blown physical affair. Sorry to worry you but all the warning signs are there. With my wife i saw it unravel and to be fair new the whole thing was going on for the two and a half months it was happening. I didn't know the full story as i probably still don't but i do know what i think is the majority of it. She went NC with him only two weeks ago and i am struggling like hell to deal with it at present, hence finding this forum. I will say this now, tell her once and for all to NC him and stay away or it could turn into another sad story if it hasn't already
norajane Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 No it only started to bother me when I realized she made a business trip to see her friend. We're both executives so we travel quite a bit for business and I had never questioned this before. I'd say you are right to be wary. I'm in a somewhat similar situation, except that I am the single friend and he is married and he is the one with the crush on me. We met through work, have known each other for years, and we don't live in the same city. We see each other occasionally, and when we do, he takes me out and generally treats me like he's courting me. Nothing's ever happened between us because 1) I don't have a crush on him, 2) he's married and I won't ever cross that line, and 3) he is a good friend to me and I don't want to screw that up with a crappy affair. I do really like him as a person and as a friend, and he is attractive, and I do enjoy the attention and am flattered by the way he treats me. He never crosses any lines, but that's because he knows I wouldn't entertain it and would shut it down and back away from the friendship if he did. Every woman likes to feel beautiful and charming and fascinating and he certainly does make me feel that way. I have to ask how your marriage is otherwise, because if she felt that way with you, this guy and how he validates her ego would be less compelling. Do you take her out on a date each month where she gets your undivided attention and flattery, as though you believe she is the most beautiful and fascinating woman in the world? Ask her how she feels about herself when she is out with him, and whether she feels that way when she is out with you. Ask her if she would be comfortable if you had a relationship with a woman friend that is similar to the relationship she has with him.
Author alex1960 Posted September 5, 2010 Author Posted September 5, 2010 Nothing's ever happened between us because 1) I don't have a crush on him, 2) he's married and I won't ever cross that line, and 3) he is a good friend to me and I don't want to screw that up with a crappy affair. I do really like him as a person and as a friend, and he is attractive, and I do enjoy the attention and am flattered by the way he treats me. He never crosses any lines, but that's because he knows I wouldn't entertain it and would shut it down and back away from the friendship if he did. Thanks for sharing your story. How does he actually know you are not interested? Every woman likes to feel beautiful and charming and fascinating and he certainly does make me feel that way. I have to ask how your marriage is otherwise, because if she felt that way with you, this guy and how he validates her ego would be less compelling. Do you take her out on a date each month where she gets your undivided attention and flattery, as though you believe she is the most beautiful and fascinating woman in the world? Ask her how she feels about herself when she is out with him, and whether she feels that way when she is out with you. Ask her if she would be comfortable if you had a relationship with a woman friend that is similar to the relationship she has with him. When you've been with someone for a long enough period of time, it's no longer a matter of taking your SO out, paying attention to them, etc. Relationship advisors are often missing the point that when you've been with someone for so long, you have to try much much harder in order to get any effect on your SO. Have I tried? Absolutely. Am I trying as hard as I used to? No. Why? Because my wife isn't as responsive as she used to be.
dispatch3d Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 No it only started to bother me when I realized she made a business trip to see her friend. We're both executives so we travel quite a bit for business and I had never questioned this before. Then you're real grip is about the business trip, not the fact she has a male friend who she sees once a month. Personally I have a boundary with female friends where I prefer not to see them 1-on-1 unless we are going to date. As in, any situation where we are alone together is automatically labeled as a date. I think she's overstepping that boundary. If she wants to talk about your relationship stuff or something with a third party, then it should be another woman. Not a guy. For sure not a guy. Otherwise you should always be having the option of hanging out with the two of them. If that option isn't there, I'd be questioning WHY.
dispatch3d Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 fwiw if I were to talk to her about this, I would talk about that business trip, not the fact she's been seeing him once/month for the last 3 years. The latter you were fine with for YEARS. She'll feel like you have no right to change the boundary like that without cause. The business trip is something you (probably) would have had a problem with at any stage of the relationship. She likely didn't tell you because she knew you'd have a problem with it.
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