frumpiness

[EthanH]

ok quick question for girls:

 

If you are in a long-ish term relationship, do you feel so relaxed with your guy that you realise you can be frumpy with him? My ex had a conversation with a friend the other day and said that there were times when she didn't make an effort with her appearance, as she didn't have to. This wasn't the norm, she usually was all made up, but on occasions when say she stayed at mine, she would borrow a hoodie and sometimes say we wanted to go for an early walk on the beach, she wouldn't bother with make-up etc etc. She points to this as yet another example of how things in the relationship weren't great. The friend told me she is fishing for negativity. I thought it was just that she felt comfortable enough with me to let down her guard 100%... it was annoying as there were times when because she was making no effort, she expected me to make equally no effort.

 

So, frumpiness... a sign of becoming too comfortable/lack of effort, or a sign that you feel relaxed and don't need to worry?

[AverageJoe]

You left out chunking up and chopping the hair off. Or is that after marriage?

[atlnay]

I think frumpiness is a slippery slope than can lead to a loss of sexual attraction, which is a HUGE, component in an intimate relationship. No need to be extreme and wear a full face of make up to watch mon nite footbal, but a freshly washed face, neat hair, lipgloss, camisole top & yoga pants are a much better visual for a dude than baggy shorts, xxxl stained tshirt & hair in a headtie or just unkept. Find a healthy balance of effort on both parts & you'll keep that side of your relationship alive.

[EthanH]

that's not what I was meaning. It was HER choice to make less effort. As for sexual chemistry, that was never a problem. That was the one thing which was always massively there. The attraction between us in general was pretty strong the whole time, and after we broke up (I remember her saying in an annoyed way that she hated how she still found me hot after we broke up)... but it was her choice to be 'frumpy'... and now in hindsight, it's weird, she uses it as another example of why the relationship was bad, because it ALLOWED her to be frumpy. Isn't it just that she felt comfortable with me?

[Stung]

Depends on your definition of frumpy--to you it seems to mean wearing a hoodie and little to no makeup. I practically live in jeans and never walk around with full-on makeup and heels unless I'm heading out somewhere that specifically calls for it, whether there's a man I'm dating around or not, so perhaps I'm frumpy 80% of the time . To me wearing a face full of makeup just to go for a walk on the beach seems kind of silly, I would just go with sunblock, sunglasses, and probably tinted lipbalm.

 

IMO, if you know somebody who claims that not wearing full makeup for a walk on the beach is a sign that a relationship is spiraling into decay, that's probably just a sign that that particular person is high-maintenance and negative.

[EthanH]

lol our beach is kinda too cold for suncream, but I take your point.

 

I think it is that after the relationship, she looks back and blames me/it for everything. Maybe she did let her standards slip, but as I have said above, I think that is because she was stressed with other things and she was comfortable with me. I'm sure if she dates a guy now, she will feel she always has to be on guard the whole time, and then when she feels comfortable with him, she will become 'frumpy' again. The thing that annoys me is that I wonder, what was I supposed to do? I remember there were times when I commented on occasions when we were out that she hadn't made so much effort as she used to, which she totally agreed with, I'm not a horrible guy, was always pretty sensitive to her feelings, but when i did mention something, such as I remember one time we were going to for a meal (which we did quite a lot) and she ended up watching a movie right up to the point she was due to get ready (she told me this after) and thus didn't really have time to get ready, so came in a rush and was a bit of a mess (the thing is, I still thought she was hot )... and yet I'm sure when I mentioned something, she went in a mood about it. I couldn't win

[atlnay]

I once dated a guy where i got "comfortable" and it was around then i lost the tingle i would get when we first dated. Also around then i put on a lil weight 5-10lbs, enough to go up a full size so i started wearing loose clothes, we kept going out to eat and next thing...no sex on my part. He still found me attractive, would pat my tummy a bit and harmlessly tease, but he still pawed @ me & was very affectionate. I post that to say, i am not sure how long after she relaxed around you did problems creep in & you broke up. But frumpiness IMHO is a not good sign.

[Stung]

Well, it sounds like she could definitely be a bit moody and high-maintenance. On the other hand if you said something about her looking 'frumpy' or 'messy' just because she was slightly less pulled-together than usual and didn't counteract that with mentioning you still thought she looked hot, it might be understandable that she got a little snippy with you, that's not exactly sensitive.

 

In general there's a difference between a woman being casual and relaxed around her boyfriend and 'letting herself go', and 'letting yourself go' usually stems from some kind of unhappiness.

[harmfulsweetz]

I don't know. It depends on how often she 'slobs out'. For me,when I was in an LTR, and I was comfortable with him, I'd wear no make up, just wear jeans and vest top, and lounge around. I didn't think of myself as frumpy, or not needing to bother so much, but there comes a time when you just have to be you, barefaced and not dressed to the nines. A lot of women believe that the only way a man will find them attractive is when they wear nice clothes, (by that I mean fancy/trendy/tight) and have a face full of make up, when in reality, the biggest compliment a girl can receive is to be told that she's beautiful when she's in a T-shirt and sweats.

 

Course, there's times when dressing up is absolutely called for.

[yah]

ok quick question for girls:

 

If you are in a long-ish term relationship, do you feel so relaxed with your guy that you realise you can be frumpy with him?

 

So, frumpiness... a sign of becoming too comfortable/lack of effort, or a sign that you feel relaxed and don't need to worry?

 

First, I think she was making excuses. How is it that her 'letting herself go' is because of you if you claim that she chose to do so?

 

To answer your Q, it depends on what you mean by frumpy and how often. I am relaxed with my guy enough for him to see me in my natural state. I lounge at home and at his place in comfy clothes that I love and he happens to find sexy (even though I choose my clothes for myself, not him). I don't own/wear oversized clothing but if that's what I liked, then that's what he would see me in. Of course, sometimes I would still make an effort to be girly for him.

[that girl]

Your ex was trying to justify the end of your relationship with a very vague reason.

 

You shouldn't be trying to generalize from that, every woman is different. But it is a rare woman who is always done up, it just isn't practical to wear a face full of make up 24 hours a day.

 

I remember one time we were going to for a meal (which we did quite a lot) and she ended up watching a movie right up to the point she was due to get ready (she told me this after) and thus didn't really have time to get ready, so came in a rush and was a bit of a mess (the thing is, I still thought she was hot )... and yet I'm sure when I mentioned something, she went in a mood about it. I couldn't win

It is kind of rude to comment on how your girlfriend didn't blow out her hair or whatever. I think your idea that she think you should have pushed her to keep up her standards is probably incorrect.

[MrNate]

Frumpy...such a funny word, haha.

 

I think they call your situation 'love lard'.