Cee Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 I thought I'd post a discussion topic for those of us doing online dating. Does good email communication correlate with whether things have a chance of working? I bring this up because some women take a longer time corresponding over email before they meet people. I discarded the idea that email was helpful except to get a sense of a person's ability to write well. Also, I'm reluctant to email people for too long or I'll develop a fantasy about them and be disappointed later. Actually, it's the reverse - they seem to be more disappointed. Another question for discussion is humor during online communication. I have a first date tonight with a guy who is hilarious over email. I laugh (not lol) at the things he writes. In your experience, are people who write funny also funny in real life? The point of this post is not to just get answers for specific questions, but to generate discussion about the world of email courtship. Can you know someone through email? Or is it all fantasy based? Anybody have any insights.
nat_nat Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 I've never tried online dating, but I know that I feel WAY more confident talking online than actually talking to someone face to face. I talk to a lot of old school friends online behind the safety of my computer, but could never imagine having good conversations in person! Then again, I believe people express who they really are through online chat because of that aspect of 'feeling safe behind the screen'. So, if you think someone's funny and they act a certain way in emails etc, I do think they will be exactly that in person but only when they feel confident around you, and when you get to know them better.
USMCHokie Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 I don't put as much stock in the email correspondence as I do the real life interaction...I'd much rather get along with someone in real life than through text sent over the internet by magic gnomes... The initial emailing stage is really to just gauge someone's interest, ensure some semblance of intelligence, and learn a little bit about their interests. Like you said, I too generally don't like to email for too long before the meet, as it leaves less to talk about when in person and does tend to build a expectation of that person. I think you can certainly learn a lot about a person just through email correspondence, but it's definitely not enough to guarantee compatibility...except maybe in a few rare instances...
Philetus Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 I don't put as much stock in the email correspondence as I do the real life interaction...I'd much rather get along with someone in real life than through text sent over the internet by magic gnomes... I think you can certainly learn a lot about a person just through email correspondence, but it's definitely not enough to guarantee compatibility...except maybe in a few rare instances... +1 People can, and do, misrepresent themselves online. So, you can't be sure you'll hit it off until you meet face-to-face. Even phone conversations won't tell the whole story. I've had excellent email/phone conversations with woman and I thought it would lead somewhere, but when I met them had no chemistry whatsoever. So, it can give you a good indication but I don't put a ton of stock in it. One thing's for sure, if there is not good email communication, forget it. I found it much easier to eliminate the definite "nos" from the probably "yesses". As for humour, yes, it someone can write a funny message they are usually funny in person.
bac Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 I thought I'd post a discussion topic for those of us doing online dating. Does good email communication correlate with whether things have a chance of working? I bring this up because some women take a longer time corresponding over email before they meet people. I discarded the idea that email was helpful except to get a sense of a person's ability to write well. Also, I'm reluctant to email people for too long or I'll develop a fantasy about them and be disappointed later. Actually, it's the reverse - they seem to be more disappointed. For me, email communication before the first meeting is the only 100% predictor of good chemistry. But, I am a woman and emotional/mental turn on for me is important. For me, If a guy willing to communicate online, he is going to be good at that IRL. If a guy is not cooperative about communication and does not want to know anything about me, he is going to be the way IRL. Most of the guys who want to meet for coffee with any attactive female without any communication have good reasons for that such as being married/attached, looking for short-term sex, having personality problems, inability to communicate with girls and other stuff. For example, yesterday, I had the first meeting with such a guy, 31 who told me that he wanted to meet first and then to communicate. He was very married even he told me during the meeting that he was several months separated.
Stung Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 (edited) I'm one of those who took longer to get to know people online through email and IM before meeting. It is a bit of a mixed bag, though in the end it served me well. It can weed out a lot of guys who are impatient, or who aren't so good at written communication--but you do run the risk of losing a guy whose priorities might be slightly different but who would be a pretty good match otherwise, if he thinks you're continually putting off meeting he'll assume you're not for real. And, there's always the risk of getting more wrapped up in the fantasy than the reality, or of getting your hopes up for someone who's grossly misrepresenting themselves somehow. For me, finding someone who communicated well in a written medium and who made me laugh were important, also finding someone who genuinely liked me as a person rather than just another girl/potential lay online. I found a handful of people whose online banter intrigued me and made me laugh, and spent a long time getting to know them electronically. Granted, I took longer than I might have ordinarily, as I was going through a long move at the time. A couple of those people I am still friends with to this day, and one of them I married. I found that people who can communicate effectively do impart their personalities pretty well online, although of course there are differences, ie they might be shyer in person. People who aren't natural written communicators are a little more difficult to interpret realistically. Naturally you never really know someone until you have spent significant time with them in person. I wasn't willing to become fully emotionally invested in my husband until we met in person and started dating IRL, I have never understood people who consider themselves romantically involved when they've never even met, maybe I just can't let go to that extent. While I was definitely interested in my husband and enjoying our almost-daily communication I didn't consider him anything more than a very intriguing online friend until after we established a relationship out in the real world. You just never know how meeting in person is going to affect things--the pheromones in their smell, the timbre of their voice--the chemistry of it all needs real life to kick in. Edited September 1, 2010 by Stung
USMCHokie Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 For me, finding someone who communicated well in a written medium and who made me laugh were important, also finding someone who genuinely liked me as a person rather than just another girl/potential lay online. I agree with your post in general, but here in particular, until you meet someone, isn't he/she just another person/potential lay online...? More or less an anonymous screen name, with perhaps a few pictures...? How can someone geniunely like you as a person if they've never met you...?
meerkat stew Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Have always (95%) been able to have the first date with women who reply to my initial Email within 2 weeks and do very little texting or Emailing before that first date. If the first date goes well, will send a short flirty text after she has said yes to the second date and send only flirty/funny texts, never "how r u?" or stuff like that. No overtly sexual content in the texts, just funny, concerning something we discussed in person usually. Very sparing, never long drawn out text sessions. Same for Email.
Stung Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 (edited) I agree with your post in general, but here in particular, until you meet someone, isn't he/she just another person/potential lay online...? More or less an anonymous screen name, with perhaps a few pictures...? How can someone geniunely like you as a person if they've never met you...? Some people probably aren't wired that way, but IME it's fairly easy to like someone as a person that you've never met IRL (albeit a lot harder to like them enough to consider them a romantic connection). You don't have to know how a person smells or what size jeans they wear to know if you like their sense of humor, find their stories and perspective on the world interesting, have similar dreams for the future. I like people who are a little bit weird and definitely creative and cerebral, cut from a slightly different mold, and the mental perspective and methods of communication are a big part of that. Someone who has the somewhat offbeat and (to me) fascinating mentality that draws me in is someone I'm probably going to like as a person and become friends with-- to some degree-- whether I end up liking them romantically and sexually or not. That's part of why I tended to screen heavily and do a lot of writing before thinking about meeting, and presumably a big part of why of the six or so people I met through online dating, I am still in touch and friends with three of them (besides the one I'm married to). Edited September 1, 2010 by Stung
K'aycie Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 I thought I'd post a discussion topic for those of us doing online dating. Does good email communication correlate with whether things have a chance of working? I bring this up because some women take a longer time corresponding over email before they meet people. I discarded the idea that email was helpful except to get a sense of a person's ability to write well. Also, I'm reluctant to email people for too long or I'll develop a fantasy about them and be disappointed later. Actually, it's the reverse - they seem to be more disappointed. Another question for discussion is humor during online communication. I have a first date tonight with a guy who is hilarious over email. I laugh (not lol) at the things he writes. In your experience, are people who write funny also funny in real life? The point of this post is not to just get answers for specific questions, but to generate discussion about the world of email courtship. Can you know someone through email? Or is it all fantasy based? Anybody have any insights. You can find someone interesting, funny, sexy, etc., online and discuss various topics, joke around, flirt. But, I cannot get a real sense of someone unless I spend time with that person. A big part of human interaction, includes sight, smell, sound and body language and I tend to focus more on that and how we interact when we are together. Computer, text, email, phone, etc., is an extension to that, versus an actual foundation.
Star Gazer Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 I agree with your post in general, but here in particular, until you meet someone, isn't he/she just another person/potential lay online...? More or less an anonymous screen name, with perhaps a few pictures...? How can someone geniunely like you as a person if they've never met you...? Wow. Interesting perspective... Another question for discussion is humor during online communication. I have a first date tonight with a guy who is hilarious over email. I laugh (not lol) at the things he writes. In your experience, are people who write funny also funny in real life? It really depends. There was one guy I corresponded with and talked on the phone with (but never met because I moved 350 miles away kinda quickly). He literally had me laughing out loud from his emails, and laughing just as much over the phone. I was so incredibly attracted to his sense of humor... Then there was another guy recently who wasn't all that funny in email, but HILARIOUS via text message, but less funny than his texts in person (but still funny, just not as much...I chalk it up to nerves/newness during our first "date").
USMCHokie Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Wow. Interesting perspective... Ruh row... I was just trying to make a point that meeting in person is necessary to really know someone, as there are so many things that can't be conveyed through email, phone, or text, and I simply used the quoted poster's words ("potential lay")... If you are emailing with multiple folks online, aren't they all just potentials until you meet them in person and associate a person with the personality reflected in the emails...? ...
Stung Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 (edited) Ruh row... I was just trying to make a point that meeting in person is necessary to really know someone, as there are so many things that can't be conveyed through email, phone, or text, and I simply used the quoted poster's words ("potential lay")... If you are emailing with multiple folks online, aren't they all just potentials until you meet them in person and associate a person with the personality reflected in the emails...? ... Aw, c'mon Hokie, I have seen you banter a-plenty with people on here and presumably a few PMs have flown back and forth. Do you banter and engage with LSers simply because you regard them as potential lays? Do you think of them as interchangeable cogs in an impersonal social wheel? Or do you kinda like some of them as people? There are people on LS whom I have respect for due to their wit and intelligence and the stories of their lives, I'd say I like them as people, they stand out in a crowd to me. If there is someone on LS you banter with regularly and exchange PMs with on a daily basis, would you really not think to yourself that you probably genuinely like their personality (barring gross misrepresentation)? Liking someone's personality doesn't automatically mean you'd be a good match for them romantically, but it's a necessary start for any level of positive relationship. If you re-read the original post you were responding to, it differentiates liking someone as a person and regarding them as just a potential lay in a crowd of others--which a lot of people in the online dating world tend to regard others as, 2-dimensional potential sex partners rather than fleshed out human beings with fully-developed individual personas. I did specifically say I regarded meeting in person as the necessary next step in getting to know them. But by the time I met my husband I knew he was more than just another guy online who thought I was cute and was a potential lay, he was already someone I regarded as a friend and I knew he had the potential to be a partner. I also knew he regarded me in the same way. Was that still somehow unclear? Edited September 1, 2010 by Stung
USMCHokie Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 (edited) Aw, c'mon Hokie, I have seen you banter a-plenty with people on here and presumably a few PMs have flown back and forth. Do you banter and engage with LSers simply because you regard them as potential lays? Do you think of them as interchangeable cogs in an impersonal social wheel? Or do you kinda like some of them as people? There are people on LS whom I have respect for due to their wit and intelligence and the stories of their lives, I'd say I like them as people, they stand out in a crowd to me. If there is someone on LS you banter with regularly and exchange PMs with on a daily basis, would you really not think to yourself that you probably genuinely like their personality (barring gross misrepresentation)? Liking someone's personality doesn't automatically mean you'd be a good match for them romantically, but it's a necessary start for any level of positive relationship. If you re-read the original post you were responding to, it differentiates liking someone as a person and regarding them as just a potential lay in a crowd of others--which a lot of people in the online dating world tend to regard others as, 2-dimensional potential sex partners rather than fleshed out human beings with fully-developed individual personas. I did specifically say I regarded meeting in person as the necessary next step in getting to know them. But by the time I met my husband I knew he was more than just another guy online who thought I was cute and was a potential lay, he was already someone I regarded as a friend and I knew he had the potential to be a partner. I also knew he regarded me in the same way. Was that still somehow unclear? No, I totally get it now... :: puts foot back in mouth:: Edited September 1, 2010 by USMCHokie
Author Cee Posted September 1, 2010 Author Posted September 1, 2010 I will find out in 30 minutes if this guy is as funny as his emails. Along with confirmation of the date, today's emails have been pretty great. I know that he is a stranger so I can't say that I am liking him more. But more and more I WANT to like him when I meet him. I can't blame myself for being a sucker for words- I'm a professional writer.
Stung Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 No, I totally get it now... :: puts foot back in mouth:: Sorry if I got you in trouble, man. If it helps, I can understand how 'liking someone as a person' could mean different things to different people, especially in the virtual online world vs. real world debate. I will find out in 30 minutes if this guy is as funny as his emails. Along with confirmation of the date, today's emails have been pretty great. I know that he is a stranger so I can't say that I am liking him more. But more and more I WANT to like him when I meet him. I can't blame myself for being a sucker for words- I'm a professional writer. Good luck with your date, and I hope he turns out to be a really effective communicator who represented himself accurately. And I laughed out loud when you mentioned your profession--we seem to be the only two who are such suckers for a really good series of emails, and I'm a writer (slash-editor) too.
Star Gazer Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Sorry if I got you in trouble, man. He's not in trouble. Anymore.
USMCHokie Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 He's not in trouble. Anymore. You already knew that! Merely cataloging for evidence... :laugh:
Author Cee Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 Well, the guy who was a funny writer turned out to be odd. At first, I thought he was drunk, on drugs, or had a brain injury, because he's got a hippie-ish spacey thing going. He wasn't a fluent talker, but had a great sense of humor and laughed at everything I said. Okay, I thought, I can like this guy even though he's a bit flaky. And then he brought up his ex-girlfriend. I probed and discovered they had been broken up 2 months ago & he's not over her. I asked why he was on a dating site & he said he wanted her to get the message that it's over. She wants him back, he said. Umm, thanks for sharing. The whole thing sounded fishy & I ended the date there and left. He didn't seem a bit sad to see me go. I wish there was a way to screen for douchebaggery without giving a guy the third degree over email. Ah, just another day in the life of dating.
Stung Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 And then he brought up his ex-girlfriend. I probed and discovered they had been broken up 2 months ago & he's not over her. I asked why he was on a dating site & he said he wanted her to get the message that it's over. She wants him back, he said. ... I wish there was a way to screen for douchebaggery without giving a guy the third degree over email. Ah, just another day in the life of dating. Aargh. That's possibly the worst reason for starting to date again that I've ever heard. He was definitely a douchebag, but I suppose it could have been worse--he could have kept his reason to himself and led you on longer. Sorry about the disappointment.
Confusedalways Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 why must dating be so difficult! I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, Cee.
USMCHokie Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Well, the guy who was a funny writer turned out to be odd. At first, I thought he was drunk, on drugs, or had a brain injury, because he's got a hippie-ish spacey thing going. He wasn't a fluent talker, but had a great sense of humor and laughed at everything I said. Okay, I thought, I can like this guy even though he's a bit flaky. And then he brought up his ex-girlfriend. I probed and discovered they had been broken up 2 months ago & he's not over her. I asked why he was on a dating site & he said he wanted her to get the message that it's over. She wants him back, he said. I'm really sorry he turned out to be like that...but this was definitely shady though... I wish there was a way to screen for douchebaggery without giving a guy the third degree over email. Hence the importance of a sooner meet...just gotta remember that the meet doesn't commit you to anything...other than a meet 'n greet...
Star Gazer Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Hence the importance of a sooner meet...just gotta remember that the meet doesn't commit you to anything...other than a meet 'n greet... What? It's not a date? It's just a meeting??
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