zxvf Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Hi all! First and foremost, my sincere apologies for the (possible) long post. A bit about me: 20, Asian, computer science major, (possible social retardation, sorta like the main characters in The Big Bang Theory, well not really...), first girlfriend. A bit about her: 20, Ukrainian (or White I suppose), not first boyfriend. We are both in Canada. I'm neither religious or consider myself traditional, but somehow when it came down to sex and marriage, I'm dead on traditional, (personally I don't know how that happened.) I've always treated her with the utmost respect and done everything a boyfriend should do, flowers, dinners, movies, mini get aways to take her to see places, and paying for everything. (I don't understand the notion of letting the girlfriend pay.) We've been together for almost 6 months now, with 4 of those months apart from each other (working/studying in different cities, but we still saw each other from times to time. We are going back to the same city in September.) We tell each we "love" each other and all, but I'm still really bothered about my girlfriend's past and behaviours, technically I'm her "6th" boyfriend. That doesn't include one or two "eating out" buddies of hers. I've always get a guilty/jealous feeling that she's not a virgin, and that's driving me insane. I'm also really really bothered by the number of ex boyfriends and sex buddies she had. I mean is that normal for her age? Personally I've always thought sex as something special between two people, but she told me that sometimes sex is just meaningless sex for her. She's also the type of girl that's okay with (gay) friends "jokingly" playing with her breasts, and keeping pictures of her ex boyfriend's pictures on facebook. Also on top of that, one of the most mind boggling past of her's is that she had unprotected sex with her ex-boyfriend, essentially that went on for about two months before she broke off with him. We basically first met on an "online community forum", and met a couple of times in real person at events and gatherings. But at the time she was trying to get the attention of someone else, she made out with them a couple of times before realizing that he is not right for her. I've always liked her in a way, I flirted with her a couple of times, and she basically took a chance with me. Well pretty much she wanted to sleep with me on our first get together, which I refused. She've also revealed her past, and stated that she will not swallow or perform a couple of other "actives" with me, that of which she has done before. But fast forward 4 months. Now I'm sitting home thinking about how we got together, it just really bugs me that: 1) this relationship is the result of that possible one night stand. 2) her past. 3) her possible slutty behaviour and views towards relationship and sex. So, what the heck do I do, advices would be really helpful right now. Personally I wouldn't mind moving on, school is hard, and work is tough, but I'm sorta of used to being with her. (And that well let's face it, the chance of Asians getting a White girlfriend is slim to none) Stay with her and have no idea how to control those feelings. or Hurt her feeling and move on? :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(
Ruby Slippers Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 The two of you have totally different views on sex. Incompatible. Move on.
USMCHokie Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 OP, you'll grow out of it. I had similar feelings to what you're experiencing now when I in my first serious relationship. I got over it. You'll get over it.
Author zxvf Posted August 31, 2010 Author Posted August 31, 2010 (edited) Thanks for the reply! The two of you have totally different views on sex. Incompatible. Move on. I agree we have different views, but other than that, we get along fine. OP, you'll grow out of it. I had similar feelings to what you're experiencing now when I in my first serious relationship. I got over it. You'll get over it. Sorry for my nosiness, and you are okay with that she's not a virgin, if you two do get married? 1, 1 for both. On top of that, I totally realized that I posted in the wrong forum, there is a sub form for this stuff. Edited August 31, 2010 by zxvf
northstar1 Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Hi all! First and foremost, my sincere apologies for the (possible) long post. A bit about me: 20, Asian, computer science major, (possible social retardation, sorta like the main characters in The Big Bang Theory, well not really...), first girlfriend. A bit about her: 20, Ukrainian (or White I suppose), not first boyfriend. We are both in Canada. I'm neither religious or consider myself traditional, but somehow when it came down to sex and marriage, I'm dead on traditional, (personally I don't know how that happened.) I've always treated her with the utmost respect and done everything a boyfriend should do, flowers, dinners, movies, mini get aways to take her to see places, and paying for everything. (I don't understand the notion of letting the girlfriend pay.) We've been together for almost 6 months now, with 4 of those months apart from each other (working/studying in different cities, but we still saw each other from times to time. We are going back to the same city in September.) We tell each we "love" each other and all, but I'm still really bothered about my girlfriend's past and behaviours, technically I'm her "6th" boyfriend. That doesn't include one or two "eating out" buddies of hers. I've always get a guilty/jealous feeling that she's not a virgin, and that's driving me insane. I'm also really really bothered by the number of ex boyfriends and sex buddies she had. I mean is that normal for her age? Personally I've always thought sex as something special between two people, but she told me that sometimes sex is just meaningless sex for her. She's also the type of girl that's okay with (gay) friends "jokingly" playing with her breasts, and keeping pictures of her ex boyfriend's pictures on facebook. Also on top of that, one of the most mind boggling past of her's is that she had unprotected sex with her ex-boyfriend, essentially that went on for about two months before she broke off with him. We basically first met on an "online community forum", and met a couple of times in real person at events and gatherings. But at the time she was trying to get the attention of someone else, she made out with them a couple of times before realizing that he is not right for her. I've always liked her in a way, I flirted with her a couple of times, and she basically took a chance with me. Well pretty much she wanted to sleep with me on our first get together, which I refused. She've also revealed her past, and stated that she will not swallow or perform a couple of other "actives" with me, that of which she has done before. But fast forward 4 months. Now I'm sitting home thinking about how we got together, it just really bugs me that: 1) this relationship is the result of that possible one night stand. 2) her past. 3) her possible slutty behaviour and views towards relationship and sex. So, what the heck do I do, advices would be really helpful right now. Personally I wouldn't mind moving on, school is hard, and work is tough, but I'm sorta of used to being with her. (And that well let's face it, the chance of Asians getting a White girlfriend is slim to none) Stay with her and have no idea how to control those feelings. or Hurt her feeling and move on? :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:( Don't stress this too much. There is no 'norm' in terms of sexual maturity to be honest these days. If you focus on he past experience, you will drive yourself crazy. As long as she is going to be exclusive sexually with you, then just try and enjoy things. The gay friend thing is a non-issue really. I know quite a few girls who are sexually open and have that kind of affection with their gay friends. It's not a threat to you, so try not to stress about it. I know it seems odd, but it's actually not that uncommon. The only thing you may want to ask is if she's been tested for STD's.
denise_xo Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Hi all! But fast forward 4 months. Now I'm sitting home thinking about how we got together, it just really bugs me that: 1) this relationship is the result of that possible one night stand. 2) her past. 3) her possible slutty behaviour and views towards relationship and sex. So, what the heck do I do, advices would be really helpful right now. Personally I wouldn't mind moving on, school is hard, and work is tough, but I'm sorta of used to being with her. (And that well let's face it, the chance of Asians getting a White girlfriend is slim to none) Stay with her and have no idea how to control those feelings. or Hurt her feeling and move on? :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:( Move on, and don't worry about hurting her feelings. If I were her, it would hurt me more that my partner considered me a slut than that he left me. I think it's perfectly fine if you prefer a virgin on someone with a minimal sexual past, but then you're clearly not compatible with the woman you're with now. When I first got together with my partner, he was a virgin and he had issues with my sexual experience which was 'varied'. In the end, I had to give him an ultimatum - get over it, or get lost. He did get over it, so I'm not saying it can't be done, but based on your description it just doesn't seem that likely in your case ('it really bugs me'/ 'personally I wouldn't mind moving on'/ 'have no idea how to control these feelings' after four months together/ the suggestion that she's worth staying with based on being white or that your 'sorta used to being with her'). You sound like a good guy - find someone you're more convinced about investing your time and energy in.
wishing4thefuture Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Hi all! First and foremost, my sincere apologies for the (possible) long post. A bit about me: 20, Asian, computer science major, (possible social retardation, sorta like the main characters in The Big Bang Theory, well not really...), first girlfriend. A bit about her: 20, Ukrainian (or White I suppose), not first boyfriend. Sometimes the most "socially retarded" are the most pleasant people to be around. I sincerely doubt a retired physicist would be able to make more sense of the situation! I personally, have always enjoyed the company of nerds and I am one. I'm neither religious or consider myself traditional, but somehow when it came down to sex and marriage, I'm dead on traditional, (personally I don't know how that happened.) I've always treated her with the utmost respect and done everything a boyfriend should do, flowers, dinners, movies, mini get aways to take her to see places, and paying for everything. (I don't understand the notion of letting the girlfriend pay.) Well, relationships are very much about compromise. You can give gifts and pay for dinners but if she would like to pay or split the bill that is something that is fun for her to. It feels good to give, so you can't keep all that fun to yourself! But fast forward 4 months. Now I'm sitting home thinking about how we got together, it just really bugs me that: 1) this relationship is the result of that possible one night stand. 2) her past. 3) her possible slutty behaviour and views towards relationship and sex. I think that without realizing it you've learned how she could have had so many different types of relationships, as you are now in one! How will you explain to your next girlfriend(a virgin) why you were in a relationship! How will you want her to feel about your girlfriend from the past? This is a good mental exercise to help break the cycle of wanting something that does not exist. You will never be perfect and neither will your partner. I think the most joyous relationships spring from the recognition that though neither person is perfect, both people are respected. This includes past decisions and stuff that has happened to them to. People aren't always to blame for their relationships. Lots of times, people get pressured into situations by people trying to take advantage of them. So, you need to be understanding and compassionate of old relationships rather than judgmental! But fast forward 4 months. Now I'm sitting home thinking about how we got together, it just really bugs me that: 1) this relationship is the result of that possible one night stand. 2) her past. 3) her possible slutty behaviour and views towards relationship and sex. Well, your a slut now so you know how it feels to be thought of as a slut and called a slut you slut. And, I'm a slut too so just know that it hurts! Yah feel me, slut? See, the real reason you don't like her past decisions is because you don't want to be thought of in that way yourself. But, what if she were a relative of yours? Like, someone that was older than you? Would you really be upset with your own Grandmother for having a few boyfriends before she met PaPa? So, what the heck do I do, advices would be really helpful right now. Personally I wouldn't mind moving on, school is hard, and work is tough, but I'm sorta of used to being with her. (And that well let's face it, the chance of Asians getting a White girlfriend is slim to none) I think that you should speak with her about your feelings making sure not to be accusatory. Try not to ever use cuss words during relationship discussions, they just come back and ruin the good times. Explain how you feel when things are calm, don't wait for emotions to flare before sharing your feelings about the relationship. For example, "I feel like we are not sexually compatible because we like different things." Or, "I would like a girlfriend that would give me blow-jobs on movie night." Stay with her and have no idea how to control those feelings. or Hurt her feeling and move on? Unfortunately, there is no way to control feelings. You must simply be as respectful to yourself and her as possible, and then hope for the best. Just remember that after the breakup, you will be in a wounded state and will need to take care of yourself as such. Best of Luck!
ascendotum Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 The differences in her level of experience and also her unwillingness to do things with you that she has done with her past lovers is going to sit at the back of your mind and gnaw away at your level of devotion to this girl. Its pretty clear to me that you don’t see this girl as your future fiance. Okay, but are you able to live with that and learn to be able to enjoy your time together while it lasts. Reading your OP..I don’t think you can. You're still a young guy, you don’t have to meet your dream girl first time first girl. Have some nice time & memories with your Ukrainian girl. Many 'big bang' nerds would be so jealous. There is no right or wrong in her past only what is right for you. If you really cannot reconcile these issues and you can see it continuing to make you unhappy then, do take Ruby's advice.
phineas Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 A huge turn-off to me is when a woman tells me about all the freaky sex she had then tells me she isn't going to be like that anymore. I loose interest. Next time it happens i'll just tell them about how much respect & loyalty I showed my past GF's then tell I'm not going to like that anymore. See how they like it.
ascendotum Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 A huge turn-off to me is when a woman tells me about all the freaky sex she had then tells me she isn't going to be like that anymore. I loose interest. Next time it happens i'll just tell them about how much respect & loyalty I showed my past GF's then tell I'm not going to like that anymore. See how they like it. I have had this a couple of times, and likewise it just cripples my attraction to the woman as well. It was pretty easy for me to read between the lines on comments one woman had made that ONS got freakier sex than me...but that was in the past, been there done that. I really don’t understand why they go into details about it. Is it because they hope you will think they are more special because she used to be a wild sort after girl?? But it certainly doesn't make me feel special thats for sure. Like you phineas...next time it happens…hey I used to be a romantic nice guy, but that was in the past, been there done that.
Author zxvf Posted August 31, 2010 Author Posted August 31, 2010 (edited) Morning all, and thanks for the replies. The gay friend thing is a non-issue really. I know quite a few girls who are sexually open and have that kind of affection with their gay friends. It's not a threat to you, so try not to stress about it. I know it seems odd, but it's actually not that uncommon. The only thing you may want to ask is if she's been tested for STD's. How I see it is this, the opposite of that in theory would be some lesbian girl gave me a handjob or dry humped me, but never the less, I might have enjoined that, but at the same time I would feel like I cheated on her. I think it's perfectly fine if you prefer a virgin on someone with a minimal sexual past, but then you're clearly not compatible with the woman you're with now. May be I'm naive, but are there any virgins left that's over 19 years old? and as much as we seems to be incompatible with the sex part. We get along pretty well otherwise. Also I'm not a racist but personally I prefer white girls more, they are just more open and more fun to be in general. I think that without realizing it you've learned how she could have had so many different types of relationships, as you are now in one! How will you explain to your next girlfriend(a virgin) why you were in a relationship! How will you want her to feel about your girlfriend from the past? People aren't always to blame for their relationships. Lots of times, people get pressured into situations by people trying to take advantage of them. So, you need to be understanding and compassionate of old relationships rather than judgmental! Well, your a slut now so you know how it feels to be thought of as a slut and called a slut you slut. And, I'm a slut too so just know that it hurts! Yah feel me, slut? See, the real reason you don't like her past decisions is because you don't want to be thought of in that way yourself. But, what if she were a relative of yours? Like, someone that was older than you? Would you really be upset with your own Grandmother for having a few boyfriends before she met PaPa? I was in a relationship because I was lonely and wouldn't have minded to have someone to spend time with when i'm not doing school or work work. Most of the things (if not all) that she has done was her choice, at least that's what she told me, and from my observations and the way she talked about her past experiences, she's really kinky when it comes to sex. (BDSM, hair pulling, a$$ slapping, where as personally I think the furthest I would go is anal sex?) I know what you mean, and I'm trying my best to not make her feel bad, so far I've isolated my feelings about her past away from her. If she was my grandma, this wouldn't have been a problem, people were more simpler back then, all married a virgin, all went to churches on Sundays and really meant their "thanks" on Thanksgiving. Now you've mentioned, what is the correct word for 'slut' for male? and also strictly anatomically speaking, wouldn't a female's vagina gets looser the more sex she had, where male's penis does not face this particular problem? The differences in her level of experience and also her unwillingness to do things with you that she has done with her past lovers is going to sit at the back of your mind and gnaw away at your level of devotion to this girl. Its pretty clear to me that you don’t see this girl as your future fiance. Okay, but are you able to live with that and learn to be able to enjoy your time together while it lasts. Reading your OP..I don’t think you can. You're still a young guy, you don’t have to meet your dream girl first time first girl. Have some nice time & memories with your Ukrainian girl. Many 'big bang' nerds would be so jealous. So essentially, it is common and okay for guys to have a meaningless first girlfriend, learn and see all they can, and take that experience with someone they know they will be together and eventually marriage? May be I haven't told the whole story, but she said that she "tried" swallowing, but doesn't it, (an analogy would be me eating her ****,) but she has an grey area where she would do it, if she was tied up, or was having "BDSM" sex. Next time it happens i'll just tell them about how much respect & loyalty I showed my past GF's then tell I'm not going to like that anymore. See how they like it. Ay, I tried as hard as I can to be the same for all my (possible future) girlfriend. But then I've always been the same to all my female friends. oh geeze, now that I've read my post, I feel like the biggest virgin in North America. Edited August 31, 2010 by zxvf
carhill Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 The two of you have totally different views on sex. Incompatible. Move on. After six months, it's worth talking about first, but I generally agree with this, especially considering the ages of the OP and his GF. OP, do you think you can have that conversation? Clearly, each of your perspectives is valid, but incompatible for an intimate relationship. An intimate sexual and emotional relationship with a woman is very different from a friendship with a woman or another man. Many more compatibilities enter into it, or it will be unhealthy. Good luck and welcome to LS.
USMCHokie Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Sorry for my nosiness, and you are okay with that she's not a virgin, if you two do get married? She definitely wouldn't be a virgin if I was dating her and planning on getting married... But seriously though, it doesn't matter to me...I'd prefer she have some experience...
tman666 Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 So wait, she told you all of the things that she used to do with her other boyfriends, but is now unwilling to explore new kinks with you? Unacceptable! It's not fair to you to not have the opportunity to explore with her. She's got to be willing to work with you on inventing your own brand of kink, instead of just relegating you to the confines of plain "wham bam thankyou ma'am" chore-sex. Look, I understand that she might now know more about what she likes and doesn't like, but she probably should have been empathetic and smart enough not to tell you every bloody detail. As far as the notion of finding a virgin, this could be a double edged sword. Yes, if you're both virgins, your sexual experiences together will be unique and "special", but a relationship between virgins in often clouded by overblown or misunderstood notions of what sex means within the context of the relationship. Her experiences can be an asset to your sex life, as long as she's willing to explore with you and make you feel like she's never been with anyone better.
Author zxvf Posted August 31, 2010 Author Posted August 31, 2010 She definitely wouldn't be a virgin if I was dating her and planning on getting married... But seriously though, it doesn't matter to me...I'd prefer she have some experience... congratz and best wishes for you two. So wait, she told you all of the things that she used to do with her other boyfriends, but is now unwilling to explore new kinks with you? Unacceptable! It's not fair to you to not have the opportunity to explore with her. She's got to be willing to work with you on inventing your own brand of kink, instead of just relegating you to the confines of plain "wham bam thankyou ma'am" chore-sex. Look, I understand that she might now know more about what she likes and doesn't like, but she probably should have been empathetic and smart enough not to tell you every bloody detail. As far as the notion of finding a virgin, this could be a double edged sword. Yes, if you're both virgins, your sexual experiences together will be unique and "special", but a relationship between virgins in often clouded by overblown or misunderstood notions of what sex means within the context of the relationship. Her experiences can be an asset to your sex life, as long as she's willing to explore with you and make you feel like she's never been with anyone better. tman666, you have a really good point there. I really don't want to cheat on her, but on the other hand I also really want to explore and experience those things. Also it seems that "wham bam thankyou ma'am" chore-sex is the only thing she is willing to do. As to the experiences, I wouldn't mind having the conversation with the future wife, "remember how we used the wrong hole for months until we brought that sex for dummies book?". But never the less, her refusing of doing things with me makes me feel second rated. Oh well, I guess its time to think about breaking up with her.
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