Meeting his friends

[tigressA]

I have plans with C for the whole weekend. We're going to be traveling fools, apparently--being in two different cities over the course of two days. I'm going to be meeting some of his friends for the first time, and I'm a bit nervous.

 

I already feel kinda like 'the youngin' with C; he's got 4 years on me and until recently I've always dated guys my age. The friends of his I'm going to be meeting are married and close to a decade older than I am. I'm not really used to hanging out with people in this age group at all. And I'm not used to doing the kinds of things that they do: go out on the town, hit the bars, etc. I'm a bit concerned I won't be able to relate to them or that I won't get along with them, maybe making an idiot of myself. I'm considering being really quiet and appearing profound :laugh:, but then again that was what prompted a lot of my arguments with C when we were first involved--I was insecure about talking because I was overly concerned with seeming silly/immature.

 

I could open my mouth only when I feel confident, but I wonder just how often that will end up being. Maybe not enough. Should I talk to him about how I'm feeling, maybe warn him that I'm not likely to be little miss social butterfly?

Edited August 31, 2010 by tigressA

[carhill]

People are people. Age is generally irrelevant. If you get on with them, you do. Just be yourself and socialize the way you normally do. It's not a popularity contest.

 

Choose to look at new activities as an adventure. I've found the biggest inhibition for having a good time is my own fear and uncertainty. Push past that and I realize the only thing in my way was myself.

 

When I was your age, most of my friends were my age or older and already had children. Totally different lifestyles, but they were friends anyway because we got on as friends and shared common interests. You'll likely see some of this in your socializing with C. You wont' know until you try. It all works out

[tigressA]

I spent the weekend with C. Well, perhaps I should say I spent the weekend with him and 3 of his friends. Our "us" time was extremely limited. Friday evening, all of Saturday, and most of Sunday was spent in a group, and C drove me back to my house less than an hour after we woke up today.

 

This was the first weekend we've spent together, and only the second time seeing each other, since we reconciled. I had a good time for the most part but I couldn't help but occasionally feel put out. First of all, all 3 of his friends I met over the weekend are Indian, like him, and they were all born there so they all speak the same language. Furthermore, they all work together. There were some times when they wouldn't be speaking English when I was right there, so I couldn't understand them. When C was doing it, I couldn't help but feel paranoid that he was talking about me. I couldn't help but feel like they were all doing that because they were saying things they didn't want me to know.

 

I had brought up my concerns with C when we returned to his place Saturday night, but I wonder if I didn't do it tactfully enough. I phrased it like I had felt "left out" sometimes, and that it was easy enough to say that you're cool with cultural differences and whatnot, but once you're faced with it it's a different story. He got upset with me. The ensuing fight we had was even worse than the one that broke us up. At one point I called him an a**hole, ran out of the bedroom, went into the bathroom and slammed the door. He came racing in after me, saying I was disrespecting him and that I need to quit with the attitude, etc. He had his finger in my face. I felt like a child being scolded by my father.

 

After we talked it out more, things were cool, but Sunday and today he seemed more standoffish. When we said goodbye after he pulled into my driveway, he didn't even make a move to hug or kiss me. I didn't either. I don't know anymore. It seems like when we're together for more than 24 hours things just collapse.

 

A couple of days before I had left for the weekend, I had an offer from a couple of my old school friends/housemates to crash my old dorm for the weekend. One of the friends was one who had graduated this year and is now in grad school an hour and a half away. When I got home today I kinda wished I had done that instead.

Edited September 6, 2010 by tigressA

[Sabali]

What a mess. You guys are not for each other. Before you slam that door, I got a few things to say...

 

 

One, it is rude for people to have a conversation in another language while others who do not speak the language are present. On the other hand, I noticed that Indian people who grew up in India do this a lot and may not realize how inappropriate this is.

 

 

Second, some people feel that they always have to be included in a conversation when there is a group and this is probably not always good either. On the other hand, when a group is together there should be respect for this dynamic and generally the adept social person should be cognizant of this. In whatever case, when this happens, one should just get up and change locations. It's called "conditioning." Every time they start up with the language, immediately go to another area. They will get the idea.

 

 

You have to avoid calling people out of their names in relationships. This is a must. People always remember this and it makes separation from you so much easier. They will always play the name you called them in their head when they think about you so your name will easily be associated with a negative memory forever.

 

You guys are together mainly because their is hot sex involved. The sex will not always be as hot and once it goes south for any reason, even if it is temporary, there has to be something else there to keep things afloat. You two have nothing.

 

Do yourself a favor, lady bug, and just leave this one alone. It is too much for you.

[kalikula]

Anyone would feel left out if people they were hanging out with kept talking in a language they couldn't understand. He should have been more respectful of your feelings IMO.

[tigressA]

You have to avoid calling people out of their names in relationships. This is a must. People always remember this and it makes separation from you so much easier. They will always play the name you called them in their head when they think about you so your name will easily be associated with a negative memory forever.

 

Yeah, you're right. I apologized to C for my outburst, but he said something like what you said here--"'Sorry' doesn't take back what you said to me", etc. Like I said, everything seemed fine after we talked it out, but yesterday and today things just seemed a little awkward. I was really quiet yesterday when we were out with his friends again (we went to a fair) and C kept asking me what was wrong, why was I so quiet. I just kept saying I was fine, that I just had nothing to say. He didn't seem convinced and tried to draw me out when we got home, but I didn't give him anything. There was nothing to give, but he seemed to not believe me, and I guess he had good reason not to, since I always gave the "I'm fine" line before and then awhile later busted out with something that had been heavily weighing on me. I had done the exact same thing Saturday night, when we argued.

 

I think he's really sensitive about the cultural stuff. We had a discussion before in which I said I was cool with all of that, that it didn't matter to me. And I guess with the way I phrased my concerns on Saturday, I seemed to be going back on my word, and that was what got him upset. I should've kept it to my only objection--their speaking a different language around me--instead of making it sound so general. I've never had to deal with this kind of thing, so I'm less-than-tactful/less-than-effective when bringing up my concerns about it.

 

Additionally, I've never had someone rebuke me for my temper the way C has. Whenever I've had an outburst like that with a guy, they've either apologized to me or not talked to me for awhile, and that would invariably end with an apology from them. Clearly I still have trouble with criticism of my faults when it comes from people I like.

Edited September 7, 2010 by tigressA

[Star Gazer]

I hate, hate, hate when people don't speak English or Spanish around me in situations like that!!! The only place I can handle it is the nail salon, because I have yet to ever come across a nail salon where they don't spend 85% of the time speaking amongst themselves in Vietnamese. I had a huge problem with this in grade school (they all spoke Korean or Armenian) as well as law school (all Farsi or Arabic). I find it so incredibly rude! Cultural, schmultural, your BOYFRIEND should know better and make sure to include you in his conversations with his friends... you were there to meet/bond with them, after all!!

 

I always gave the "I'm fine" line before and then awhile later busted out with something that had been heavily weighing on me. I had done the exact same thing Saturday night, when we argued.

 

Constantly giving the "I'm fine" line will eventually result in the death knell to a relationship, like it seems to have done here. Why don't you communicate what you're feeling when you're feeling it, at least when asked?

 

Perhaps it was too soon after you reconciled to have this sort of trip...?

[Sabali]

Yeah, every time you tell him nothing is wrong and you eventually come out with it later, your word becomes more and more unreliable. Also, this is one thing that drives men crazy. It will come to a point where he becomes desensitized when you become quiet and he will no longer ask what is wrong with you. Then you will likely make a big deal that he doesn't care when you are upset.

 

So here is the thing... you have to communicate because without communication or effective communication skills, the relationship is headed for hell. On the other end, you don't want to get to a point where he is always asking you what is wrong. This becomes very tiresome. So here is the key for any long lasting relationship:

 

You can't sweat the small stuff.

 

Choose your battles wisely and learn to let the little things roll off of your shoulder. It takes practice. So the next time he upsets you, contain it and let it go. Keep control. Save your energy for things that really really make or break a relationship.

 

Don't get pissed if he leaves the toilet seat up. Just close it and don't make a big deal of it. Don't get pissed when he squeezes the toothpaste from the top of the tube. Let it go. Let him speak Hindu with his friends and change locations and smile the next time you are together again. When you catch him holding hands with another woman rain down on his @$$ like hellfire but don't sweat the small stuff. No one is perfect. If we are going to live with each other, we have to choose our battles. If we turn every thing into a battle, everyone will lose eventually.

 

Don't sweat the small stuff. When this eventually end, and it will eventually end, you want him to look back onto his memories with you and smile and not wake up with nightmares.

[tigressA]

Perhaps it was too soon after you reconciled to have this sort of trip...?

 

I don't think it was too soon to have the trip. I think it was just too soon to jump into meeting his friends. If anything this trip should've been used so that we could spend time together, just the two of us, as a way to build things between us. At first I thought that it was just going to be one time (Friday evening) but then other plans were made and I didn't want to be the only one saying "No". I thought that it would be fun since we were all getting along, and I didn't want to come off rude or like I didn't like them. I just didn't foresee my feelings of being excluded.

[Star Gazer]

I don't think it was too soon to have the trip. I think it was just too soon to jump into meeting his friends.

 

That's what I meant.

 

In having a trip aimed at meeting his friends, it kinda assumes you two are in a really good, strong place... when you needed to rebuild that strong foundation first.

[Sabali]

That's what I meant.

 

In having a trip aimed at meeting his friends, it kinda assumes you two are in a really good, strong place... when you needed to rebuild that strong foundation first.

 

 

Agreed. It would be good if they really thought highly of you despite meeting them so soon but if they didn't, he will now have a few Jimmy the Crickets on his shoulder working against you.

[tigressA]

Yeah, every time you tell him nothing is wrong and you eventually come out with it later, your word becomes more and more unreliable. Also, this is one thing that drives men crazy. It will come to a point where he becomes desensitized when you become quiet and he will no longer ask what is wrong with you. Then you will likely make a big deal that he doesn't care when you are upset.

 

So here is the thing... you have to communicate because without communication or effective communication skills, the relationship is headed for hell. On the other end, you don't want to get to a point where he is always asking you what is wrong. This becomes very tiresome. So here is the key for any long lasting relationship:

 

You can't sweat the small stuff.

 

Choose your battles wisely and learn to let the little things roll off of your shoulder. It takes practice. So the next time he upsets you, contain it and let it go. Keep control. Save your energy for things that really really make or break a relationship.

 

Don't get pissed if he leaves the toilet seat up. Just close it and don't make a big deal of it. Don't get pissed when he squeezes the toothpaste from the top of the tube. Let it go. Let him speak Hindu with his friends and change locations and smile the next time you are together again. When you catch him holding hands with another woman rain down on his @$$ like hellfire but don't sweat the small stuff. No one is perfect. If we are going to live with each other, we have to choose our battles. If we turn every thing into a battle, everyone will lose eventually.

 

Don't sweat the small stuff. When this eventually end, and it will eventually end, you want him to look back onto his memories with you and smile and not wake up with nightmares.

 

The stuff I bolded here is what I have a hard time with, particularly the first thing, about my word being more and more unreliable. I never, ever thought of it that way. I never ever considered what C would think about me constantly doing that. I was only concerned with how I felt, how I perceived things. That's how I've always been--looking out for #1.

 

I have a hard time just picking my battles because I'm always so concerned with letting my feelings out, with letting my voice, my concerns be heard or unheard, I don't think at all of how the other person will see it, or see me. And I've never cared about how a guy sees me after we break up--I've always thought, "Well, we're broken up and most likely I will never see/talk to him again, so what's the point in making sure he still thinks I'm pretty cool? Who gives a ****?"

[tigressA]

Agreed. It would be good if they really thought highly of you despite meeting them so soon but if they didn't, he will now have a few Jimmy the Crickets on his shoulder working against you.

 

I know...I don't know if he would tell them about the fight that we had. And I didn't know that it was a trip primarily aimed at meeting his friends--like I said, I thought it was just Friday evening and that the rest of the weekend would be "us" time, but it wasn't, and by the time I figured it out I felt uncomfortable saying "No".

[BobSacamento]

I don't really see what the big deal is. Hanging out with other people's friends is usually awkward. Then there are times when it's not. I have friends who have GFs who barely say hello to me and then I have friends who have GFs that have become my friend.

 

Did you guys party at all? For me I find when I have drinks with new people it makes things a lot easier. Maybe it's because I'm Irish haha.

[tigressA]

Did you guys party at all? For me I find when I have drinks with new people it makes things a lot easier. Maybe it's because I'm Irish haha.

 

Yeah, we partied Friday, at C's place. I got pretty smashed; I downed 3 glasses of Alize in less than 2 hours, and I was feeling a bit fuzzy after the first one--I'm a lightweight. I was pretty nervous about hanging with his friends, so I drank more than usual. The night went well, though. I was the resident comedian.

 

I also used alcohol in an effort to dull my frustrations about Saturday after we'd gotten back that night--C was outside on the phone with his parents (they still live in India), and I drained a glass of Alize within 10 minutes of him getting back inside. Instead of dulling my frustrations, it amplified them. I doubt I would've had that outburst if I hadn't had that drink.

Edited September 7, 2010 by tigressA

[tigressA]

your BOYFRIEND should know better

 

Honestly, I don't know what he is to me. And I don't know what I am to him. We're not seeing other people, but that's it. That's all we agreed to. I guess we're just exclusive **** buddies.

[Sabali]

The stuff I bolded here is what I have a hard time with, particularly the first thing, about my word being more and more unreliable. I never, ever thought of it that way. I never ever considered what C would think about me constantly doing that. I was only concerned with how I felt, how I perceived things. That's how I've always been--looking out for #1.

 

I have a hard time just picking my battles because I'm always so concerned with letting my feelings out, with letting my voice, my concerns be heard or unheard, I don't think at all of how the other person will see it, or see me. And I've never cared about how a guy sees me after we break up--I've always thought, "Well, we're broken up and most likely I will never see/talk to him again, so what's the point in making sure he still thinks I'm pretty cool? Who gives a ****?"

 

Tigress, I strongly think you should work against these attitudes. For one, "looking out for #1" is a shoddy euphemism for being selfish. I am not calling you selfish but when people have this attitude, they tend to not think about looking out for others as much as they should. If you like this guy, you should look out for him as well and his well being. A person doesn't have to be your spouse to have the benefit of you looking out for them too.

 

As far as always wanting your "voice be heard," this can work against a person if they are not very careful. It comes to a point when people will tune you out, stop listening to you because you always have crap coming out of your mouth and your voice is "always being heard." Eventually every word that comes out of your mouth will make people want to throw up. It will come to a point where people feel that they have heard every thing that you have to say and they just don't want you to speak any more. You will be avoided like an Amway representative.

 

 

I generally try to avoid burning bridges during a breakup. Fate has a nasty way of throwing people back in your path. You don't feel that not caring what he thinks about you after you break up affects your relationship now? Can someone who you are not compatible with in a relationship not one day become a friend to you?

[tigressA]

I generally try to avoid burning bridges during a breakup. Fate has a nasty way of throwing people back in your path. You don't feel that not caring what he thinks about you after you break up affects your relationship now? Can someone who you are not compatible with in a relationship not one day become a friend to you?

 

I never thought of things that way either. I guess so far, not caring what he thinks of me if we split is affecting things negatively. I'm letting that filter into everything--"I don't care; if he doesn't like it he can go find someone else, blah blah." I even said something like that to him on Saturday--"If I'm so frustrating, why are you even bothering with me? Why the hell am I here?!"

 

As far as fate having a nasty way of throwing people back in one's path, I don't believe in that. And I don't believe that exes are ideal friend material. You weren't with that person to be their friend, why be their friend after the relationship is over? What's the point? I am not friends with any of my exes--I tried once with my first boyfriend and it was really painful, so I said "**** it" to trying it ever again.

 

C did bring up my one-track mind, too. It's clear to him that I have a lot of trouble considering those other than myself.

Edited September 7, 2010 by tigressA

[Sabali]

As far as fate having a nasty way of throwing people back in one's path, I don't believe in that. And I don't believe that exes are ideal friend material. You weren't with that person to be their friend, why be their friend after the relationship is over? What's the point? I am not friends with any of my exes--I tried once with my first boyfriend and it was really painful, so I said "**** it" to trying it ever again.

 

C did bring up my one-track mind, too. It's clear to him that I have a lot of trouble considering those other than myself.

 

 

I am of the thought that you can never have too many friends. I am not talking about calling up your ex and grabbing a beer but I have been in some tight situation, although not life altering, where I could call up an ex to help me out just because there was no one else around that could. I have also traveled to places where it was good to know someone there. One of my exes, who I have got to say that you strongly remind me of, was about to be turned down by a job she wanted so badly for a big career move. She called me up, told me the situation, and I took care of it for her and to this day, she is is always thanking me for getting her that job and she knows she would not be working for that company if it was not for me. I strongly believe in keeping my network strong but I am a very ambitious person so this may not work for everyone.

[tigressA]

I never thought of things that way either. I guess so far, not caring what he thinks of me if we split is affecting things negatively. I'm letting that filter into everything--"I don't care; if he doesn't like it he can go find someone else, blah blah." I even said something like that to him on Saturday--"If I'm so frustrating, why are you even bothering with me? Why the hell am I here?!"

 

I just remembered that I also said "This is just who I am" at some point during our fight. I'm cloaking my reactions to everything with this "This is just who I am (and **** you if you don't like it)" excuse, when really it's something I can change for the better if I want to. I can be a better person. I know C says the things he says because he wants what is best for me--and that would be to change that part of my personality. I do know that. But I always see it as him just wanting what's best for him--me "catering" to his needs when that's not really it at all, and I end up lashing out or tuning him out. He's not the only person I've done that with. But he's the only person so far who's outright refused to take it lying down.

Edited September 7, 2010 by tigressA

[Sabali]

I just remembered that I also said "This is just who I am" at some point during our fight. I'm cloaking my reactions to everything with this "This is just who I am (and **** you if you don't like it)" excuse, when really it's something I can change for the better if I want to. I can be a better person. I know C says the things he says because he wants what is best for me--and that would be to change that part of my personality. I do know that. But I always see it as him just wanting what's best for him--me "catering" to his needs when that's not really it at all, and I end up lashing out or tuning him out. He's not the only person I've done that with. But he's the only person so far who's outright refused to take it lying down.

 

Yeah, if you just accept who you are, there isn't any room for growth. If you are the same person you were last year, you have not grown. Screwups in past relationships can come back to haunt you. You may not care about what they think of you once you are gone but you will care what you think of yourself and that is what will be most damaging.

 

There is a lot to learn from your relationship with this guy, you have to internalize it at some point or all of your relationships will turn out like this.

Personally, I tend to view how a person handles the relationship with those closest to them and evaluate them for how they will handle me in any given situation. There is a correlation.

[tigressA]

Yeah, if you just accept who you are, there isn't any room for growth. If you are the same person you were last year, you have not grown. Screwups in past relationships can come back to haunt you. You may not care about what they think of you once you are gone but you will care what you think of yourself and that is what will be most damaging.

 

There is a lot to learn from your relationship with this guy, you have to internalize it at some point or all of your relationships will turn out like this.

Personally, I tend to view how a person handles the relationship with those closest to them and evaluate them for how they will handle me in any given situation. There is a correlation.

 

This is exactly right. Honestly, some of my relationship screwups in the past have haunted me to some extent. A couple still do. I remember the first time I was dumped by a guy I was dating, who I really liked. It was three years ago. I wrote a really vicious, totally uncalled-for blog entry about him and our split when I still had MySpace, and one of my best friends sent me a private message saying she couldn't believe I'd said those things, and was I really proud of myself, did I really want to be that kind of person? It wasn't even about her and she was thoroughly offended by it, and me.

 

I could feel a little bit of that coming through in my dealings with C over the weekend. I had yet again interpreted what he told me in a manner that painted him as the utterly selfish one, and I had worked myself up into a frustrated anger after I came back home today. I thought of ending it with him. I even thought of how to say it: "It would be tremendously lovely if someone, one day, ripped your heart out, replaced it with darkness and made you live the rest of your life that way, because you deserve it, you callous b******." Uggghhhh, I almost didn't post that here...I'm really ashamed of that...:( At the very least, I didn't act on it like I usually do. I sat down with a book. Progress.

Edited September 7, 2010 by tigressA

[tigressA]

I just got off the phone with him. I called him, he'd been sleeping. I said it was okay, we'd talk tomorrow, but he wanted me to tell him then so I just did. I said that I had been wondering if he was upset with me today and yesterday, and he said he wasn't. I said that I wondered if I had made a bad impression this weekend and he said I didn't.

 

I said, "It can't be taken back, but I guess maybe this was too soon--meeting your friends and whatnot." He said, "What are you talking about? It was just people, friends, getting together, having fun, everyone's included." I said, "OK..." but that got me thinking. I don't think he considers me much more than a friend. Clearly I'm not above any of them on his priority list; I'm more of an equal, except that he's having sex with me. I guess this is his way of "taking things slow"--having things develop before having a full-blown official relationship--but it makes me feel a little insecure. I don't know how to bring it up to him.

[BobSacamento]

Like most women, you seem to need to know everything. A relentless slew of questions is just annoying. If he is bringing you to meet his friends then he likes you. It's pretty obvious.

[tigressA]

Like most women, you seem to need to know everything. A relentless slew of questions is just annoying. If he is bringing you to meet his friends then he likes you. It's pretty obvious.

 

Yeah, I know. I was just feeling a bit insecure after the fight we had. We talked again, over an hour ago. He told me his friends had been a bit concerned that I hadn't been happy while hanging out with them. I reiterated the bone of contention I had with the weekend, but in a much more direct way--I said, "The only thing I had a problem with was that you guys sometimes spoke in a language I don't understand. I just felt put-out by that and thought it was rude, but at the time I felt I lacked the ability to nip it in the bud in a tactful way." He said, "I am very sorry about that, and it won't happen again. You could have told me before, in private." I said, "I didn't think of it at the time. I'll remember from now on."

 

This is basically how it is with us: One or both of us fails to effectively communicate the first time around; we have a big, drama-filled blowup, then we make up and finally communicate the right way. We just need to work on being effective the first time around so that we nip the big fights in the bud. Most of this involves me curbing my temper.

 

He sent me all the pics he thought I'd like to have from the weekend. I have a couple of them in my album.

Edited September 8, 2010 by tigressA