geegollygosh Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 sorry, this is quite long and it's already happened, but I'm trying to figure out what exactly happened after the fact and I wanted some objective opinions. So basically, I hooked up with a guy I knew a little bit but not too well about 5 times over the course of a couple weeks. I sort of figured it was just sexual based on what I knew of him and how things had started, but we never really talked about it. I'd never really had sex with someone I wasn't dating before so I wasn't sure how to act around him, and mutual friends told me I was super awkward around him whenever I saw him around unexpectedly. I was definitely not trying to be unfriendly, but I may have seemed that way. He was more physically affectionate than I would have expected from the situation, and he said a couple things that made me think he was interested in more-- once he actually said he liked me, but I wasn't really sure how seriously he meant it. then he'd always complain about how I didn't really talk to him when I saw him around, and said he never knew if I was interested. The last time we hooked up, he said "you don't give a **** about me" and sounded genuinely hurt. BUT on the other hand, whenever I saw this guy around, he barely talked to me and sometimes it was even difficult to get him to look at me. but then, next time we hooked up he'd be all like "why did you ignore me all week?" and guilt trip me. I should also add that this guy was always flirting with everyone and seemed to go through girls pretty fast in the time that I knew him so I wasn't sure I should trust the things he said. But, he did seem genuinely surprised when I told him that I felt like he was the one ignoring me. so this goes on for like three weeks, it's stressing me out, and then he completely starts ignoring me and has a one night stand with another girl at the same party I'm at-- this is a week after the last time we hooked up. I was hurt, but he was in his rights to do it, I guess, so whatever. Two weeks later, he comes up to me at my goodbye party (I was moving away) and starts flirting a little, asks me if I want to talk. I was still upset with him (maybe irrationally), and I was pretty rude to him (I was super drunk, people kept buying me drinks, and I was already upset about saying goodbye to all these people) and he gets mad and leaves, which is the last time I saw him because I left the next morning. Basically, I'm still not sure what he wanted, and while it definitely doesn't matter now (I live 3000 miles away), I'd still like to know. If he was interested in more than a hook up then I feel really bad about the situation. On the other hand, maybe all he wanted was sex and he said everything so I'd keep hooking up with him. (But I was already putting out, so why would he say stuff he didn't mean, unless he was just trying to be emotionally manipulative?) What do y'all think? Was this my fault or his? Was he a jerk that I should forget or was I unintentionally being a bitch and if so should I send him an apology or let it go (I'm probably never going to see this guy again either way)? Was it nobodies fault and I'm just reading too much into things that he said?
kalikula Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 I mean... Sounds like he was just trying to be smooth by putting the blame on you for 'ignoring him': All talk... Besides which he had a ONS with someone else, sounds like he definitely a player. He said he maybe liked you, complained you ignored him, was somewhat physically affectionate- that's pretty standard for guys to say, it doesn't actually mean they want a relationship. Sorry, I feel like I am actually in a somewhat similar situation right now... I don't know if he is interested because we haven't hung out outside of hooking up! So I sort of asked him to hang out and I'll see how it goes I guess... (If he flakes or what)
Author geegollygosh Posted August 31, 2010 Author Posted August 31, 2010 (edited) agh, it's just frustrating because I was perfectly happy to keep hooking up with him without any expectations of a relationship-- why the head games? It's not even that I got attached to him, it's more that I ended up feeling like a terrible person. yeah, I know, some people enjoy that. Edited August 31, 2010 by geegollygosh
harmfulsweetz Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Sorry to say it-I think he's just a smooth player. I'm afraid to say this, because I know how crap it can feel, but very rarely when you've been hooking up with someone early on, does it turn into anything more than that. A guy that wants an R will act like he wants an R, not a hookup. Any guy can be somewhat affectionate, and make all the right noises, it's the ones that's actions that back up those words that matter. The noises he's making: "I maybe like you" "Why did you ignore me?" Actions: Hooks up with you Physically affectionate Hooks up with another chick. See where I'm going? He's proving to you simply by his actions that it's all physical, and he's quite happy to get involved sexually with someone else. If he wanted a relationship, he'd take you out, he'd be trying to spend more time with you outside of sex, etc. We've all been there I'm afraid-live and learn. Want a relationship? Get involved with someone who acts like they want one too.
harmfulsweetz Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 agh, it's just frustrating because I was perfectly happy to keep hooking up with him without any expectations of a relationship-- why the head games? It's not even that I got attached to him, it's more that I ended up feeling like a terrible person. yeah, I know, some people enjoy that. You're not a terrible person. People play head games often to keep you around, keep you guessing, so you're an open option should they decide to call. It's sad, but it happens. I think so often in these situations guys actually handle it entirely wrong-they think if they keep you sweet, by saying things like "I like you", and are all affectionate, it'll keep you around and fulfil your need, but really they are just confusing the situation. If it's just sex, great, but keep it to just sex. A guy I was hooking up with did this exact same thing. And he did it with my friend too (we only found out afterwards that he was sleeping with us both). He'd hook up with me, then he'd say things like "You mean a lot to me", he'd hold my hand in public, especially when guys looked at me, etc. He'd list off the things he liked about me, this went on for months. See, I could very well handle it just being a hook up, but he was confusing everything by making me believe he thought it may be more. It wasn't until my friend told me about him and her, and described the situation did I realize it was all a headgame. Oh well, live and learn.
Author geegollygosh Posted September 1, 2010 Author Posted September 1, 2010 Sorry to say it-I think he's just a smooth player. I'm afraid to say this, because I know how crap it can feel, but very rarely when you've been hooking up with someone early on, does it turn into anything more than that. A guy that wants an R will act like he wants an R, not a hookup. Any guy can be somewhat affectionate, and make all the right noises, it's the ones that's actions that back up those words that matter. The noises he's making: "I maybe like you" "Why did you ignore me?" Actions: Hooks up with you Physically affectionate Hooks up with another chick. See where I'm going? He's proving to you simply by his actions that it's all physical, and he's quite happy to get involved sexually with someone else. If he wanted a relationship, he'd take you out, he'd be trying to spend more time with you outside of sex, etc. We've all been there I'm afraid-live and learn. Want a relationship? Get involved with someone who acts like they want one too. oh, I didn't want a relationship with him. It would have been logistically difficult, and then I was leaving in a month anyway. Even without that, I probably wouldn't have dated him... definitely not at the beginning, and even later I would have known that things had a real slim chance of actually working out based on the beginning of things, his personality and what I'd seen of his past relationships. That was why I was susceptible to being guilt tripped about not caring about him, or ignoring him-- it was more or less true, but I still liked the guy. Honestly, while not thrilled to hear from y'all that I was played, I was more upset when a friend told me she thought it sounded like he actually had gotten attached to me. whatever. Yep. live and learn.
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