Fairy77 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 A few months ago I joined my local gym and took up classes most evenings in the week, the instructor in one of those classes the first time I saw him made my heart and my whole world stop dead in my tracks from that minute everytime I saw him I got butterflies and would almost melt when I saw him, I found him on facebook and befriended him, he and eventually we started talking at classes, emailing every day or every other day on facebook.. I think he was very very shy and it took 4 months for him to eventually ask me out, he explained then that he was going through a separation and has two children. Hes also 10 years older than me, hes in his 40's. The first dates we had where amazing, the time seemed to flyby in his company, like 4 hours would pass and it seemed like half hour!!! I would feel dazed and dizzy and high after being with him!! I think he felt the same as he would constantly text me telling me he cant stop thinking of me, and cant wait to see me again etc.. in fact we would text non stop most of the days! He was always very busy though with his full time job, his gym job part time and his children and I was finding that he had not much time for me, only now and again maybe one day over a weekend, I got very frustrated and told him i needed more and perhaps we should end things... He explained he cant offer me more right now and so we just still kept on the odd date at weekends, we got much more intimate by this stage. I still couldnt cope with the lack of effort on his behalf so once again I told him and we agreed to be friends.. But we will kept meeting up, going for dinner, spending time together, he was stopping the texting so much now, and was being a little distant. So I ended things totally again and stopped contact for a week which was the hardest week of my life and I eventually text him saying missed him, he replied saying had missed me very much too and we started again spending time together going out for meals etc.. I started to think that maybe he really does like me a lot more and hoped he was feeling the same as me, and so once again I said whats going on now are we more than friends.. to which he replied no lets just stay as friends.. I got very upset and broke all contact... and stopped speaking to him at classes... He text me a week later saying he had been thinking about me and thinks we misread each others messages and that he wants us to be speaking again and at least friends... I hadnt stopped thinking of him all week and I did reply saying how hurt I was and that I felt he had been playing me along when he knew how I felt.. To this he said hes going through a divorce soon and cant offer me any more than a fragmented relationship today but wants to stay in touch and be friends.... Im so confused.. Why keep in touch, why be friends, why think of me all the time??? I am leaving soon to work abroad for a few months and he knows this, I want so much to be in touch with him, I want him in my life so much, I hate not being around him but I still have a hope there for 'us' in the future, do I stay in contact and keep all my hopes there? Or do i just break contact once again and this time just take him out of my life for good?
Don Ho Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Problem 1: You never date someone that is only separated and not fully divorced. Even then only if you know for certain that they are done. Take it from me, I learned this one the hardest way. Problem 2: You like and you're attracted to him too much. That always a problem when one person like the other much more than the other does. But then that really brings us right back to problem 1. If you can't be friends with him then don't. But do not stay friends with the hopes he will get more involved with you. He's already told you he's getting divorced and it's bad timing. I think that's probably an excuse and he's really trying to tell you that he's not that into you. If you tell him ANYTHING, tell him to contact you when his divorce is final and if you're single then, you'll see where your both at. I think it's best for you and your heart to bail out of this one and find a nice SINGLE guy that's emotionally available. Good luck.
Author Fairy77 Posted August 31, 2010 Author Posted August 31, 2010 Thank you, yes I know your right, I just couldnt understand why he was keeping in touch with me, why he wanted to keep in touch when all he wanted is friendship, I do feel as though this guy has played me along quite a bit and im not sure of his reasons why, maybe an ego boost or something.. It is time to move on now, I just need to be that little bit stronger than I have been and stick with the no contact, and if he contacts me from now on, I think its best I just ignore it, or like you say if I say anything then it will just be to contact me when his 'problematic' circumstances are over. Ive also taken up new gym classes for the time being, which is still fun and something different so I dont mind at all.. What will be will be I guess.. Thank you for the advice, has helped me see this from a different perspective..
Philetus Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 I'm in the same position as your dude. I'm separated, in my 40s, with two children. FTR, separated men CAN be good bf. I'm a great one, but I do feel I'm more the exception then the rule. We do present some interesting problems. If you're boy is at all like me he's very conflicted. He's just come out of a multi-year relationship and he's wondering if he wants to jump into another one? I had to, as a female friend put it, 'have multiple relationship with women I didn't owe anything to'. Basically, sow my wild oats. The first couple of relationships I had were doomed before they started. He may also still carry a torch for the ex. A lot of people do reconcile. Even if he doesn't, there may be circumstances forcing them back together. For example, his children may not be handling it well and they're contemplating getting back together for their sakes. Or there may be financial reasons. When you say you guys are 'friends', are you sleeping together? If yes, there's your answer. I suspect he's enjoying the sex but doesn't want emotional entanglements. That was my case. If you're not having sex then I'd say he really does have feelings for you but something in his life is preventing him from committing to you. It could be that he's confused, or trying to work things out with his ex, or his children could be freaking out. Either way, I think you have to take control of the situation. Tell him that you really like him but you can live with the status quo. Tell him what you want and if he's willing to accept that you can be together. Otherwise, you won't be talking to him anymore and stick to it.
Author Fairy77 Posted August 31, 2010 Author Posted August 31, 2010 No we only slept together twice and both times he was soooo nervous.... He just doesnt seem to be that bothered about the sexual side of thing which makes me even more confused as to exactly what he wants from me... thats why Im like why bother texting me saying misses me and has been thinking about me, when then he turns it right back to the frienship thing, I have friends but I dont text them telling them how much I miss then etc etc.. very confused
Philetus Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 No we only slept together twice and both times he was soooo nervous.... He just doesnt seem to be that bothered about the sexual side of thing which makes me even more confused as to exactly what he wants from me... thats why Im like why bother texting me saying misses me and has been thinking about me, when then he turns it right back to the frienship thing, I have friends but I dont text them telling them how much I miss then etc etc.. very confused Okay, I have no idea what is going on with your boy. As a separated man, this is completely outside of my experience. I hate to leap to conclusions but it sounds like this guy has some kind of emotional problem/conflict going on and it's probably better if you're clear of it. The thing that popped into my mind was, 'could this guy be in the closet'? Yeah, I'm really at a loss to figure out what's going on with this guy.
Author Fairy77 Posted August 31, 2010 Author Posted August 31, 2010 He does have issues doesnt he lol... If your a guy and you cant figure it out either then I think it really is time for me to give up... I dont feel like the loser here though, yes I liked him and yes I persued him in the beginning, but errr its just all a bit too wierd now and something I dont need in my life, Im a lot stronger than that!! Im going for just ignoring the 'dude' i think and moving on up :-) Thank you so much for advice and opinions...
Philetus Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 You're not a loser at all because you're taking control of your life and doing what's right for you. You'll be fine. Good luck.
Don Ho Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Fairy, stick with my advice. Do not get involved with married men or men that are separated. It's only trouble for YOU.
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