A MM's perspective

[jj33]

I think alot of OW found solace in the fact that he loved the OW. Personally I think that is something you know in your heart. I didnt take any solace from his story. None whatsoever. I find it difficult to feel sorry for someone who "has" to stay with their spouse. The cases in which that is actually true are very few and far between and his certainly wasnt one of them. Not to mention how insulting that is to the spouse.

[Ellin]

UH? BHMM DID live a lie for three years as he freely admits and as a lot of people have pointed out, he is still living a lie.

I know. What has this got to do with my post?

[dolphinscry]

I have never been in a relationship with a married person before and just started one almost 3 months ago with a MM. We are totally in love, but he has children and like you, doesn't want to hurt the kids. when i started this relationship i thought it would be a purely sexual one. I just got divorced and was looking to be with someone that I felt safe with but that I wouldn't fall in love with. Well that plan backfired big time. He initially said that this would be a safe space for me until I met someone that I wanted to be with and this way I wouldn't feel lonely or rush out and hook up with multiple partners or innappropriate people because I was lonely. I have known him for a while and I trusted him already and knew he was a good person...I thought it would just be fun and then I would move on. Well the sex was and still is so good that we just couldn't stop. not only that...we are so in tune with each other and compliment each other so much that we fell completely in love. However, he's still with his wife and I dont feel that I have the right to ask that he leave her for me. He says that i have his heart, and he doesn't have a sexual relationship with her. At first I didn't care that he had another in his life. But as we are becoming closer and closer,,,I feel this ache inside of me when I want to call or text him and I can't because he is with her. I'm becoming jealous, but I don't have the right to be. I love him so much that I will put up with this crazy relationship to be with him whenever I can. He treats me better than anyone I have ever been with and is definitely the best sexual partner I have ever had. I dont want to give it up to be with someone who is more available. I am faithful to this man, we tell each other we love each other, and he calls me his girlfriend. He tells me all the time how wonderful it is to be with me and how ive changed his life for the better. He really is wonderful to be with...but I dont know how to stop myself from wanting more. I can't tell him how I feel because I don't want to drive him away for fear I will ruin his marriage and relationship with the children. I actually don't want to destablize his life in any way...I love him too much and I dont think of myself as a very selfish person. I want him to be happy...it's just so hard to not want to keep him for the rest of my life. I don't have any children and am just young enough that I can still have them. just dont know if Im making the right decision to be with him. But I can't just walk away either...we almost broke up once and I felt physically ill...I felt worse than when I was going through a divorce. He tells me that he hates the thought of me with another...but that he knows that I will want to move on eventually. Its so hard because I really don't want anyone else, but I want a family too. He is the central figure in my life, but he has a whole other life to turn to if things don't work out, which they won't eventually, if he doesn't leave his wife. My dilemma is that is it worse to turn away from love because you are scared of the future? Or worse to throw yourself into something you know will end in heartbreak because it's better to love and lose than to never know this kind of connection with another. You only live once. Everything ends eventually. I plan on continuing this relationship until I can't take it anymore or he ends it. I feel guilty sometimes because I am risking the integrity of his marriage, but I just can't get enough of him...is this crazy to feel like this? I've never been in this kind of relationship...just looking for others like me. I can't really tell anyone about my relationship because of censure, but in my mind what we have is so special that it's not wrong..though I would have said different before.

I feel for you. I think you are facing heartbreak. I heard all the same things from my MM and then the day after he said he was ready to leave his marriage(with no pressure from me) he disappeared. I haven't heard from him and he wouldn't respond to my messages. I understand not ending it because I wouldn't have either. I just want you to be prepared. He said I was his soul mate, we were destined to be together, he couldn't imagine his life without me. On and on. I hope he was sincere, and BHMM gives me hope that he was, but I will never know because he hasn't explained anything. It has been 10 weeks and I am still devastated.

I hope things work out differently for you.

[Ellin]

Seems BH abandoned this thread like he said he would. He's even proven his pattern here on the internet. Tough questions lead him to abandon and leave things unsaid and undone.

 

But at least he didn't lie to us about planning to do that.

 

So now even the fact that he hasn't been posting for a while is used to his disadvantage? This also confirms what a horrible, escapist man he is?

Wow...

 

But wait a minute, maybe he took notice of those who berated him for spending time on this thread, instead of paying attention to his W?....

 

[Ellin]

I feel for you. I think you are facing heartbreak. I heard all the same things from my MM and then the day after he said he was ready to leave his marriage(with no pressure from me) he disappeared. I haven't heard from him and he wouldn't respond to my messages. I understand not ending it because I wouldn't have either. I just want you to be prepared. He said I was his soul mate, we were destined to be together, he couldn't imagine his life without me. On and on. I hope he was sincere, and BHMM gives me hope that he was, but I will never know because he hasn't explained anything. It has been 10 weeks and I am still devastated.

I hope things work out differently for you.

I'm so sorry to hear about your pain.

Is there any way to check what's going on with him?

[BB07]

I know. What has this got to do with my post?

 

Oh never mind, I don't feel like going back and finding your post that I replied to.

[BB07]

So now even the fact that he hasn't been posting for a while is used to his disadvantage? This also confirms what a horrible, escapist man he is?

Wow...

 

But wait a minute, maybe he took notice of those who berated him for spending time on this thread, instead of paying attention to his W?....

 

 

Why do you feel such a need to protect/defend him? I just don't get that and it's not just you.

 

After all he is a grown man and he said he had been reading the forum for a few years, so he had to know what to expect, right?

 

He got a lot of different viewpoints and I don't recall any that went over the line, if they did there was always the report a post option. I think it's great that he heard things from many different sides and views. Perhaps he truly took it all into consideration.

[NoIDidn't]

So now even the fact that he hasn't been posting for a while is used to his disadvantage? This also confirms what a horrible, escapist man he is?

Wow...

 

But wait a minute, maybe he took notice of those who berated him for spending time on this thread, instead of paying attention to his W?....

 

 

I didn't make my post in response to anything you posted. I fail to see why my post generated such an immature response from you.

 

I haven't berated the OP. I've stated my opinion on his posts and his intent. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

 

I'm thrilled that he posted here and showed the OW here that his love was felt but it still is lip service. He wants her to know that he's pining for her, not that he's coming for her.

 

What a waste of time.

[jj33]

I'm thrilled that he posted here and showed the OW here that his love was felt but it still is lip service. He wants her to know that he's pining for her, not that he's coming for her.

 

What a waste of time.

 

Bingo. Like icy cold water thrown in your face on a cold winters day. I wasted at least a year hanging on to the pining (before I joined LS). What a waste.

[NoIDidn't]

Why do you feel such a need to protect/defend him? I just don't get that and it's not just you.

 

After all he is a grown man and he said he had been reading the forum for a few years, so he had to know what to expect, right?

 

He got a lot of different viewpoints and I don't recall any that went over the line, if they did there was always the report a post option. I think it's great that he heard things from many different sides and views. Perhaps he truly took it all into consideration.

 

 

 

Yeah, I hope BH took some positive points away from this thread before he abandoned it.

 

What really surprises me about this thread is the lengths some posters are going to to defend BH. He abandoned this thread because its the "Holiday weekend", is now being said. And I have to wonder if this is the kind of thing being done by so many OW concerning their MM - the instant rationalization as to why he isn't doing something. I don't mean this to be insulting at all. I've been the OW to men that weren't married, but I NEVER allowed their "other" life to come between my time (when I wanted it) with them. EVER. If it did, we were over. No ifs, ands, or buts.

 

I won't make excuses for another adult. Ever. I'm actually surprised to see the rationalization in action. He could post if he hadn't made the decision to ignore this thread (which I acknowledge is totally his right). But making excuses FOR him is surprising.

 

Wow.

 

[NoIDidn't]

Bingo. Like icy cold water thrown in your face on a cold winters day. I wasted at least a year hanging on to the pining (before I joined LS). What a waste.

 

 

((((jj33))))

 

But icy water can't feel good.

 

I just hope those that want help understanding the inconsistency with their MM will see it for what it is and protect themselves - walk away or put in some boundaries.

[desertIslandCactus]

For a man who was trying to do the responsible, unselfish thing in staying with his wife - he probably posted on the wrong forum.

 

I had thought he posted here to try to explain his position to other OWs.

 

And I don't know why so many took what he said so defensively. Just his saying that he loved the OW should have been enough. The OW is supposed to take the role of the other woman - or second, that's what they do.

 

He didn't have to leave his W for the OW, and so far he hasn't. I'm sure there was originally love in his M.

[GreenEyedLady]

For a man who was trying to do the responsible, unselfish thing in staying with his wife - he probably posted on the wrong forum.

 

I had thought he posted here to try to explain his position to other OWs.

 

And I don't know why so many took what he said so defensively. Just his saying that he loved the OW should have been enough. The OW is supposed to take the role of the other woman - or second, that's what they do.

 

He didn't have to leave his W for the OW, and so far he hasn't. I'm sure there was originally love in his M.

 

Just WOW!

 

SERIOUSLY!!!!

 

Now he is unselfish staying with his W.

 

There is nothing more selfish. His W and OW do not get what they deserve or want, yet he is seen as unselfish? HE IS THE ONLY ONE GETTING WHAT HE WANTS HERE!

 

And responsible? Has he told his W to get STD tested? Has he told her he put her life at risk? Didn't think so.

 

Now I understand why men eat cake.

 

BECAUSE THEY CAN!

 

Any OW who ACCEPTS a MM's position, will REMAIN in her current position.

 

GEL

[NoIDidn't]

Any OW who ACCEPTS a MM's position, will REMAIN in her current position.

 

GEL

 

Precisely what so many tell the OW in this forum, but none want to hear it. Anyone making this point is "bitter betrayed" or "reformed" LOL.

 

I am still amazed at the rationalizing away his reasons for abandoning this thread. Don't get me wrong, he likely has legitimate ones as well as feeling this thread got to be "too much", but I don't see a reason to rationalize it away into something more acceptable.

[BB07]

NID said.......

Yeah, I hope BH took some positive points away from this thread before he abandoned it.

 

What really surprises me about this thread is the lengths some posters are going to to defend BH. He abandoned this thread because its the "Holiday weekend", is now being said. And I have to wonder if this is the kind of thing being done by so many OW concerning their MM - the instant rationalization as to why he isn't doing something. I don't mean this to be insulting at all. I've been the OW to men that weren't married, but I NEVER allowed their "other" life to come between my time (when I wanted it) with them. EVER. If it did, we were over. No ifs, ands, or buts.

 

Back when I was the OW several years ago:o:o, (not when I was unknowingly, recently) that was me that you described above. I rationalized, compromised myself and what I wanted and needed. Lied to myself, told myself I was OK with it, told myself I could handle it........it was all lies. I'm so NOT proud of it now and I have no one to blame other than me. I was a weak pathetic mess. I see this in action here for some of the OW, not all but some. Makes me want to shake them and wake them up.

 

I won't make excuses for another adult. Ever. I'm actually surprised to see the rationalization in action. He could post if he hadn't made the decision to ignore this thread (which I acknowledge is totally his right). But making excuses FOR him is surprising.

 

Wow.

 

[dolphinscry]

I'm so sorry to hear about your pain.

Is there any way to check what's going on with him?

 

Thanks Ellin. We live in the same area and a little over a week ago I saw him in the store. He was with his 5 yr old daughter so I didn't approach him. He just smiled and waved at me, like I was a casual acquaintance. That cut me to the core.

I really don't know of anyway of finding out what happened. Like I said he wouldn't respond to my pleas of an explanation. Finally 3 weeks ago I gave up trying. I guess I will never know unless he decides to do the compassionate thing and give me an explanation.

[desertIslandCactus]

Just WOW!

 

SERIOUSLY!!!!

 

Now he is unselfish staying with his W.

 

There is nothing more selfish. His W and OW do not get what they deserve or want, yet he is seen as unselfish? HE IS THE ONLY ONE GETTING WHAT HE WANTS HERE!

 

And responsible? Has he told his W to get STD tested? Has he told her he put her life at risk? Didn't think so.

 

Now I understand why men eat cake.

 

BECAUSE THEY CAN!

 

Any OW who ACCEPTS a MM's position, will REMAIN in her current position.

 

GEL

 

 

He no longer has the OW. So that would make him no longer a cake eater.

 

I don't recall other threads where the OP's are leaned on to disclose and have partners checked for STD, as this one.

 

It is always more responsible and unselfish to rebuild a marriage rather than break up a marriage.

 

I think his marriage union is/was held highly.

[bentnotbroken]

Just WOW!

 

SERIOUSLY!!!!

 

Now he is unselfish staying with his W.

 

There is nothing more selfish. His W and OW do not get what they deserve or want, yet he is seen as unselfish? HE IS THE ONLY ONE GETTING WHAT HE WANTS HERE!

 

And responsible? Has he told his W to get STD tested? Has he told her he put her life at risk? Didn't think so.

 

Now I understand why men eat cake.

 

BECAUSE THEY CAN!

 

Any OW who ACCEPTS a MM's position, will REMAIN in her current position.

 

GEL

 

 

YES! He did no one any favors. He is about as responsible as a six year old hiding his peed in pants. He is covering his own behind. NO one is being helped by his self serving behavior.

[bentnotbroken]

He no longer has the OW. So that would make him no longer a cake eater.

 

I don't recall other threads where the OP's are leaned on to disclose and have partners checked for STD, as this one.

 

It is always more responsible and unselfish to rebuild a marriage rather than break up a marriage.

 

I think his marriage union is/was held highly.

 

 

This is would make sense if he had a marriage. What he has is a prisoner who is only his prisoner because she doesn't know anything and the OW is no longer around to stroke his ego.

[desertIslandCactus]

This is would make sense if he had a marriage. What he has is a prisoner who is only his prisoner because she doesn't know anything and the OW is no longer around to stroke his ego.

 

 

Bent, I think the wife would stay if she knew. He thinks so too. And he probably may at some time tell her. Now isn't forever.

[Fallen Angel]

It is peculiar that when the thread moved from being primarily about the OW to being primarily about the BS is when the thread was abandoned.

 

Peculiar? How so? The thread went off topic and the OP left. He didn't start the thread to get advice on how to repair his marriage, he started the thread to share his story about how he was pining for his OW. People often abandon their threads after they have gone horribly off topic with no way to get it back on track.

 

Anyway, I don't think he is gone. I have no clue what he is doing. Whether he is trying to have a nice holiday with his family, or emailing with his OW, I could not say. But I do think he will be back. He seems to have left a lot unsaid and unanswered.. but that is just my guess. I could be wrong and he could never come back again. It wouldn't be the first time I was wrong, and I am certain it wouldn't be the last.