Chochobong Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 So I've been casually hanging out with a girl for about a month now. We've touched, kissed, and planned further dates, so it's been moving slow but steadily between us. I've recently learned the girl has a guy friend she's known for about 3 years starting to step up to the plate and be more than friends - word of mouth and flirty comments I've seen on Facebook. She's responded back with winks and smileys. Obviously she knows this guy much better than me and has better rapport with him. Am I screwed? I'm trying hard not to develop oneitis for this girl. I'm getting out there and meeting other women in the meantime. Taking this as practice and experience, and if it works out great, if not, no worries. (Thanks again for all the helpful advice I have received transitioning from a marriage back into being single and dating again.)
Raderick Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Seems like the two have already been going down that "more than just friends" route. I'd ask flat out if she's dating others, and where you two currently stand on the romantic stratosphere.
Don Ho Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Seems like the two have already been going down that "more than just friends" route. I'd ask flat out if she's dating others, and where you two currently stand on the romantic stratosphere. I would definitely NOT do that. There is nothing you can do about her getting more involved with this guy or any other guy. If you have to ASK then you already know the answer and it's not the answer you want. Also, you never ask a woman about the status of your situation, you let HER tell you she wants to be your GF or whatever. Back way off. That's the only way you MIGHT increase her attraction to you, by getting her to wonder why you're not around or as available.
dispatch3d Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I wouldn't mention it or care. She's could be hooking up with a guy regularly right now. Do you actually want to know that ****? Also it's going to set the wrong vibe. Just carry on as usual. If the guy has been friends with her for 2 YEARS chances are he's going to stay in friend zone (way better chance than he gets out of friend zone). If you've been friensd with a girl for +6 months, a guy who has never met her has a better chance of ****ing her than you do. If anyone is at an advantage here IT IS YOU. I may try to progress things a little faster because (A) a month is a retardedly long ****ing time (B) she could meet a new prospect at any time (not so worried about the friendzoned guy, as per explanation above. Randoms>guy whose known her for 2 years in FZ) © I wouldn't want to get super-into her, not have her interested in me, and then you have to eject/remove her from your life entirely.
Author Chochobong Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 I'm just not sure if I should back off or step up at this point. I get that I can't control either of what they do.
northstar1 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I wouldn't worry to much about the friend. More than likely he is trapped in the phantom zone and won't be getting out. If they've never hooked up in those few years, chances are she's not attracted to him. But, I would step up your game and see her reaction. How often are you seeing her?
dispatch3d Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I'm just not sure if I should back off or step up at this point. I get that I can't control either of what they do. You need to step up if you do anything. The friend is VERY VERY VERY irrelevant. You weren't even listening. His chances are VERY SLIM! They are terrible. They are bad enough if I was him, and I developed an interest for the girl I would break off the friendship immediately because this interest could stop me from hitting on other girls who may actually date me. The guy is not a factor whatsoever. You need to act if you want more with this girl right now (even though it's likely ALREADY too late) because the longer you go the longer you are going to slip into paragraph 2 friendship. I know you've read some game from using a word like "oneitis" (spelling?). Basically, if you've gone on like 5 dates, or have known a girl for ~4+ weeks your chances of hooking up with her are significantly lower/almost nil assuming you've not even kissed her yet.
dispatch3d Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I also just realized this. Did she tell you this? If so this likely means she is not interested and she's trying to communicate it on a wavelength you do not listen on (most woman have no idea guys don't listen on this wavelength, hence all the "signals" that are so not signals to most guys its hilarious). Woman communicate on two levels, subtext, and regular text. Guys just use regular text. The subtext of that conversation would spell disaster for you (Basically, this orbiter who has liked me for 2 years, whom I will never have sex with, is now going to be used as a "possible option" so you get scared and don't ask me out - which would ruin our "friendship").
carhill Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Keep an eye on the other 'friends' she has IRL. She may have pulled an orbiter in to elevate her power position. It may be nothing. After all, Facebook is just electrons. Shut off Facebook and continue dating IRL. If she isn't meeting your needs or desires, date someone else. Don't worry about other men.
Don Ho Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I personally would back off and use NC. Obviously others on here are telling you different. I think you have gone out enough that if you disappear a little, that may make her wonder why and become more interested in you. I firmly believe that a woman chases YOU. She is also the one that tells YOU if she wants you as her BF. That puts and keeps you in the power position in the relationship which is what you want if you want to have a good relationship in the long term .My concern is that if you "step up" your game with her, you will look too available, too eager, like a pussy and she will lose interest. Whatever you do, DO NOT ask about your status with her or the other guy. Like I said, I would back off. Stepping it up will likely do nothing and may hurt your situation. That said, if you decide to step it up, do so VERY lightly!! That means do not turn into a pussy, do not send flowers, do not send love poems, do not profess your feelings. That means gently have more dates in person. Stay off the text and phone with her. DO NOT ask about the other guy. Let us know what you do and what happens.
Author Chochobong Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 I'll keep you guys posted. We've both initiated kissing and touching. She is HOT when we are in-person and speaks of doing future dates. After which she turns COLD when we are apart and it is me trying to initiate contact for the most part. I'm not overbearing or professing feelings. Like one call or text a week suggesting something for us to do. First couple times I didn't hear back right away, but I already had fallback plans. I get the sense the same thing will happen this week - I won't hear back from her at all or in time for the date, I will go NC and she will want to do something eventually when I haven't contacted her. But really I can't keep going round-and-round in circles doing this, and I will have to get off the merry-go-round if this pattern continues.
northstar1 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Okay, so she's happy with things being very casual at this point, with little contact between dates. You obviously want more contact and to know where you stand. Right now it doesn't seem she's making you a priority. So you have two choices 1)You take the same mindset, treat it casual, date other women and mimic her behavior. If things progress and she seems to want more, then you can choose 2)If you want things being more serious, you need to talk to her, tell her your needs, and see how she responds. If she remains casual and aloof, then you either deal with her atttiude on it, or walk.
dispatch3d Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I'll keep you guys posted. We've both initiated kissing and touching. She is HOT when we are in-person and speaks of doing future dates. After which she turns COLD when we are apart and it is me trying to initiate contact for the most part. I'm not overbearing or professing feelings. Like one call or text a week suggesting something for us to do. First couple times I didn't hear back right away, but I already had fallback plans. I get the sense the same thing will happen this week - I won't hear back from her at all or in time for the date, I will go NC and she will want to do something eventually when I haven't contacted her. But really I can't keep going round-and-round in circles doing this, and I will have to get off the merry-go-round if this pattern continues. Yeah this isn't going to work for either of you. I like Don Ho's suggestion. I would go NC. When she tries to set something up play hard to get. Just don't take it right away. You are coming off too easy and this is a huge problem for you. I think you probably put more effort into contacting/hanging out than she did towards the start of things and this is hurting you. Do not talk to her about your expectations or anything like that. She has the power in the relationship. You are at her beck and call. She is making all of the decisions of when you see each other etc. You cannot place demands on someone from a position of weakness. You have to switch the "power struggle" to your side to do this.
Sphere Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Seems like the two have already been going down that "more than just friends" route. I'd ask flat out if she's dating others, and where you two currently stand on the romantic stratosphere. I wouldn't do that because a) she is single and can date as many men as she wants, b) he has no right asking her because it is none of his business and c) this male sounds like a friend. A few flirty messages on facebook, wowie, who cares? It's meaningless in the grand scheme of things. Friends harmlessly flirt all the time, there are occasions where I flirt with female friends of mine who I know have no interest in me and I have no interest in them. Oneitis is a SS word, so I take it you're a member on there? You'll get the same advice from me as you'd do from them. Keep this girl around but don't get invested too quickly and if you want date other women too. You're single and should be out there looking, not placing all of your eggs into one basket, so to speak.
Sphere Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I'm just not sure if I should back off or step up at this point. I get that I can't control either of what they do. You do both. Don't go out of your way to contact her, but when you do meet up, you step up, you escalate. Make her want you, make her think about you when you're not around, build a foundation of solid attraction, don't wait, do it. If you fail then that's too bad, but get back on the horse and try again with a different girl. I enjoy playing this game because if you play it well, the rewards you reap are outstanding i.e. great sex.
Don Ho Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Well Choch, I'm getting a better picture of the situation now. So she is hot when she sees you then it's "outa sight outa mind". That's not a good sign ... she may not be that into you. A woman always lets you know when she likes you and wants to see you. So when you're together, when she asks about getting together again do you set something up right then? If not, I would. Then cut back on the phone and txt contact. Keep your other options open and date other women, I wouldn't put to much hope in this one. Good luck.
dispatch3d Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Well Choch, I'm getting a better picture of the situation now. So she is hot when she sees you then it's "outa sight outa mind". That's not a good sign ... she may not be that into you. A woman always lets you know when she likes you and wants to see you. So when you're together, when she asks about getting together again do you set something up right then? If not, I would. Then cut back on the phone and txt contact. Keep your other options open and date other women, I wouldn't put to much hope in this one. Good luck. He needs to next this girl I think. "Put up or shut up". If you had lots of options you wouldn't even be texting that one girl who replies too late to even show up.
Don Ho Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 He needs to next this girl I think. "Put up or shut up". If you had lots of options you wouldn't even be texting that one girl who replies too late to even show up. Probably. But I don't think he she tell her that. I think if you have to ask a woman, then you already know the answer and it's that she's not that into you. Exactly ..... when you have more options you care less. Since my Ex dumped me I am dating three different women casually. I'll be damned if I get all hung up on one right now. Plus it puts me in a better position; if one gives me grief or doesn't want to go out, I just fall back on one of the others.
Author Chochobong Posted August 31, 2010 Author Posted August 31, 2010 I think you probably put more effort into contacting/hanging out than she did towards the start of things and this is hurting you. I would agree with this. When we are apart it has been me initiating contact (although sparingly) suggesting dates. When we are together she will suggest a day and place. Of the three times I suggested things over phone/text, she made one of them - blew one off and last minute busy on the other. The two she suggested in person, she followed through on. We have tentative plans for this Saturday, but have not yet confirmed. So maybe it is time for me to go NC and see if she contacts me, or just call and say I'm busy for this Saturday.
carhill Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 We have tentative plans for this Saturday, but have not yet confirmed. Given you live in St. Louis, this Saturday is Labor Day weekend. Holiday weekend and everyone has plans. I think it quite reasonable that you call today and confirm your date. She'll know for sure whether she's available or not. If her answer is anything besides a firm 'yes', then she's *not*. Then you can proceed with confidence to enjoy your holiday, with or without her presence.
dispatch3d Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 I would agree with this. When we are apart it has been me initiating contact (although sparingly) suggesting dates. When we are together she will suggest a day and place. Of the three times I suggested things over phone/text, she made one of them - blew one off and last minute busy on the other. The two she suggested in person, she followed through on. We have tentative plans for this Saturday, but have not yet confirmed. So maybe it is time for me to go NC and see if she contacts me, or just call and say I'm busy for this Saturday. yeah just make it clear no more flaking. She's had her 2 chances already and you aren't putting up with this behaviour anymore.
Recommended Posts