Strych9 Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Hello forum, I am a 25 year old woman in a great relationship that has been nothing short of amazing for just over a year now. He is 26 and we're both in college, we don't fight and we're always very affectionate and loving. Here's the problem, I've noticed my libido taking a dive for some reason. We don't have as much sex as we used to, he's always ready to go, but as for me the sensations of just touching innocently is enough. I'm aware that it's natural with age and how long you've been together, we have talked about it and I'm starting to worry that I won't be able to handle his needs sexually, because most of the time I just don't feel like having sex...and I am not used to this feeling. I'm hoping someone can offer some wisdom, I've only started to read about libido in women but found this is an issue that comes much later than a mere 25. Has anyone dealt with this before? Is there anything I can do to kick my libido back into high gear? HELP!!
Author Strych9 Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 Is there evidence? I'm aware that I'll be a sexual maniac from 30-35 but is there any study from 25-30?
Woggle Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I know you won't like what I say but you are losing attraction and maybe it is time to move on.
meerkat stew Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 More information needed in all threads of this type. What is your frequency of intercourse now, what was it at the start of the relationship?
Author Strych9 Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 Well I won't disregard that as a possibility, I haven't given much detail but we are mutually MORE attracted to one another now than we were when first meeting. We have been open about our needs no matter how selfish or shallow, looks, sex, I don't think it's an underlying relationship issue to be quite honest, I think this is an internal issue like chemicals or lack thereof.
Woggle Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 It is something subconcious. You have him now and he is safely there so he is no longer attractive to you. You are growing bored with him.
Citizen Erased Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I know you won't like what I say but you are losing attraction and maybe it is time to move on. That was my first thought as well. I think that's something most people won't admit to themselves, because they have someone that is otherwise great for them. At 25, you shouldn't be not wanting sex with your partner.
Knittress Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 (edited) How fit are you? I find that overall health seems to correlate a lot with libido (at least for me). Do you practice being a sensual person? By that I mean, culivate an appreciation for art, texture, movement -etc. Also, do the two of you challenge yourselves to find new ways to turn each other on? That spark sometimes needs a LOT of fanning! Or, yeah... sometimes it might be your subconscious telling you that the two of you aren't right for each other. (And yeah I have dealt with this before, it was all of the above - but mostly that last thing.) Edited August 29, 2010 by Knittress
Author Strych9 Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 Now there is a reply that seems more up my alley, thank you. Fitness can correlate to libido you say? I had an inkling, just never came across any studies. We are both within our "normal" BMI, and both extremely on the creative side (music, art) As for the fanning it's something we haven't ignored, we still try new things in bed and we're not growing stale in that department, but still not a reason to stop fanning the fire. I don't feel like having sex as much as I used to, he's still the cat's meow to me and he wants sex all the time. There could be external factors yes, but it seems unlikely possibly cause I'm in some sort of denial or it just isn't an external factor. If I can improve my fitness as a way of increasing my libido I definitely will try that.
Woggle Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 You can become a fitness queen but it will not change the fact that he is no longer unattainable to you anymore which is the root of the problem.
lab_brat Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I disagree, i think if you still enjoy touching him, even in a non-sexual way, theres still hope. Are you under more stress than usual? Illness, work stresses, fatigue, diet and exercise can all play a huge role in your libido. In my last year of uni, i was so busy and tired, stressed, sex just didn't enter my mind, if i lay down with my boyfriend i'd end up falling asleep within about 90seconds, regardless of what was going on, and even when we were doing it i couldn't relax and focus enough to enjoy it.
jamesum Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 (edited) Is there evidence? I'm aware that I'll be a sexual maniac from 30-35 but is there any study from 25-30? Study shows that older women tend to be hornier because first, their vaginal tissues become more sensitive and second, their estrogen decreases while their testosterone does not which leaves the sex hormone alone by itself without a counterbalance. Libido is 75% about testosterone while 25% is in the mind. To know whether your problem is hormonal or psychological, do you get sexual arousal when you see other men whom you find attractive or you completely has ZERO sexual desire for anyone? Anyway, in case any women with libido issues are interested: Testosterone Treatment Edited August 29, 2010 by jamesum
Author Strych9 Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 I disagree, i think if you still enjoy touching him, even in a non-sexual way, theres still hope. Are you under more stress than usual? Illness, work stresses, fatigue, diet and exercise can all play a huge role in your libido. In my last year of uni, i was so busy and tired, stressed, sex just didn't enter my mind, if i lay down with my boyfriend i'd end up falling asleep within about 90seconds, regardless of what was going on, and even when we were doing it i couldn't relax and focus enough to enjoy it. This is sounding familiar, we're both in college but he has had the summer off, it's not a difficult program but I admit I'm finding myself preoccupied in my thoughts and they don't drift towards sex as much now. We do the cuddle thing A LOT and this feels just as good as sex to me, but when he starts touching without the innocence I sort of build a resentment and I'm not able to enjoy the sex it leads to. I'd rather be doing something else as terrible as it sounds..
Knittress Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Zero judgement here, but the word 'resentment' is worrisome. I think you need to figure out the root of why you feel this way, because if you don't address this it might eventually send your relationship into cardiac arrest. Also, I wonder if maybe you should talk to a doctor and not us. LS might psych you out a bit, which won't help you. But you know... maybe there's nothing at all WRONG with your libido. Maybe the two of you just have differing sex drives. Something that could have been cloaked by the intial rush of new love.
Author Strych9 Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 I wish I knew why this was happening so abruptly. The resentment stems from me being happy just touching each other in a nice way, and when he pushes for sex in my mind I sort of say "fine but i'm only doing this for you". He's not bad or boring in bed, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. lol I can't enjoy the sex and I don't even want it as much anymore, but I have no idea why because I'm madly in love with him.
yah Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Are you taking any new medication? Birth control pills? Do you find him less attractive? Did he gain weight or start to slack off with looks? Maybe after 1 year things don't seem as exciting in the bedroom if its always the same ol' same ol'. Try new things to spice it up (i.e. lingerie, porn). If that doesn't work, and it has nothing to do with attraction, it wont hurt to ask your gyno for some advice.
sweetjasmine Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I would see a doctor. There's a good chance it's physiological/chemical, and even if it isn't, you'll at least have ruled that out as a potential cause. Are you on any form of hormonal birth control? Even if you've been using a specific type and specific brand for a while, your body's reaction to a certain combination and dose of hormones can change over time. And people often underestimate the range and severity of effects that hormonal changes can have on someone's body and libido.
Author Strych9 Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 Zero medications and I've never been on birth control, did I miss out on a boost of estrogen? As for him he's more attractive than ever, he says he feels stronger attraction for me now as well. Just recently we had a bottle of wine after a romantic dinner, I busted out the high heels and lingerie and we had anal sex for our first time, it was quite the experience. We still have great sex I just don't feel the need as often anymore, as for asking professional advice I suppose I should. We have had very honest discussions regarding how much sex he wants, 3-4 times a week he says at least, to me this isn't unreasonable at all, I just don't feel horny enough to measure up to that and I'm starting to get scared..
yah Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Since you said you aren't "horny enough" but still having "great sex" with him then I'm assuming the problem is only with getting things started. If that's the case, just do it. Even if you don't feel up to it, just go with it, don't think about it, let your SO know you may need a bit more time/foreplay and you'll start to get into it yourself. I'm not sure if it always work but I think that's what I would do and it doesn't hurt to try it!
Knittress Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 3-4 times a week after a year?? Eh... I'm thinking you might have unrealistic expectations about how often most women should be desiring sex in a relationship. Some women really do have a higher sex drive than average and good on them, but for many of us after that initial rush dies down... Since this is bothering you, definitely look into it - but please consider that there's nothing actually wrong with you.
that girl Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 First, don't go on hormonal birth control for horniness. One of the side effects can be low libido. The other thing that stands out is the whole big occassion thing- the heels, the lingerie, the anal sex. Do you feel like you have to impress him or make it this amazing experience for him? Obviously your boyfriend's enjoyment should be important, but if you're really focused on that, it could be tiring. The other thing is what is your sex drive like without a guy? Do you regularly get yourself off even when you're single? But stress does effect people's sex drives. Things cooling a bit for a few stressful months isn't necessarily a big deal.
zengirl Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Zero medications and I've never been on birth control, did I miss out on a boost of estrogen? As for him he's more attractive than ever, he says he feels stronger attraction for me now as well. Just recently we had a bottle of wine after a romantic dinner, I busted out the high heels and lingerie and we had anal sex for our first time, it was quite the experience. We still have great sex I just don't feel the need as often anymore, as for asking professional advice I suppose I should. We have had very honest discussions regarding how much sex he wants, 3-4 times a week he says at least, to me this isn't unreasonable at all, I just don't feel horny enough to measure up to that and I'm starting to get scared.. From reading all your posts, I think part of it is the fact that it feels like a need or a requirement. I love sex, personally, and most of my relationships remained intensely sexual (though I think 3-4 times a week "at least" can sound pretty intensely sexual just based on scheduling, honestly; but it depends on if you are seeing each other every day/living together). But when it starts to feel like a requirement, that's where it becomes resentment. It sounds like he wants it to always lead to sex and you're getting into that phase where you'd like it to sometimes not lead there. I don't think that sounds unnatural or odd to me. Here's the cycle I'm seeing: *You pulled back the sexuality a bit -- not entirely but not as passionate/frequent. *He feels like he isn't getting enough sex. He tries to initiate more sex. *You sense this dial-up in his aggression and initiation, completely opposite to what you're feeling, and begin to resent it. This makes you inclined to even less sex. *He feels this and dials up the intensity even more, making up things like "Sex needs to be at least 3-4 times a week" (which is not unreasonable until you actually tell it to someone with words like "needs" and "at least" because sex should be an organic thing). Rinse and repeat. It's no longer an organic process. It's a responsibility. Responsibility sex is much less fun. For long-term relationships, I think both partners have to be willing to let sexuality ebb and flow. I'm not talking about actual dry spells, as I think those are unhealthy. If you're still having sex a couple times a week, it seems silly to complain about not having sex 3-4 times a week. I just feel like there will be a flow to these things, and it's better for all involved if not made into a responsibility. I'm not saying fellows or gals shouldn't want loads of sex, but if the sex is regular and the sexual connection is open, why start counting so much?
TaraMaiden Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 as someone who went without sex for over 12 years in her marriage, the above post is terrific. What zengirl doesn't mention, (and I'm not criticising, I'm merely speaking form a personal standpoint) is that in the midst of all this resentment (and she has it right on the button) is the fact that you will also feel guilt for not giving him what he requires, in order to satisfy his sexual desire. So you will experience a maelstrom of different, conflicting emotions. And it's hard to unravel them, because they do so cling, and play upon our minds.
TaraMaiden Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 caution: The above poster is an embittered and resentful person with huge issues of his own. Any words of so-called advice or opinion should be viewed with caution. You can troll all you like fowler. I'll be right behind you.
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