WintersNightTraveler Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 (edited) I had a date last night, it was a second date with someone I met on OKC. I don't really know where I'm going with it and was left with a very uneasy feeling at the end of the date (not really her fault). I can tell she has had a rocky relationship with her parents and feels a bit trapped in a situation where she has to help them out. I have some intuition on the subject. We were talking after the date and she asked me about my family. Normally this is not a subject I like to discuss at all in any depth early. But I have already made the decision that I was not just playing it safe and not just doing the things I know will go over well and lead to sex the quickest, and decided to take a chance I suppose. But still not convinced this was a good idea. In contrast it probably took 2 or 3 months for the last woman I dated to even know that my parents had passed away. Never mind that my father was a heroin addict, and the ramifications of that and how he died, which is what we wound up discussing after dinner. Then of course I'm sad after the date, sitting on the bus going home, thinking about the subject. It was a bit of a drag. I am pretty sure this won't lead to a very serious thing for me. Maybe, but there are some things I know will be issues. I will leave out the details to say she is a smart, funny, hot woman but between us I think there are some traits and baggage that I think would not work in the long run. This morning I checked OKC and can tell she logged on shortly after our date. I am not surprised by this, but I must say it does reinforce some of my notions about why online dating can be icky. Just that I'm waiting for a bus thinking about dead Pops and meanwhile she's on the ol' profile tour. I know most people do this type of crap, and hell maybe she was looking at my profile. But still, "bleh". She is extremely pretty and I can already tell the sex would be great. We'd possibly have slept together last night if I had done the player thing on both dates. But meh, I don't know, lately I even feel differently about the prospect of great sex with a hot chick. /end baggage Edited August 28, 2010 by WintersNightTraveler
Cee Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 The title of your thread doesn't do justice to what you've said. You don't sound cerebral to me. Instead, you sound mature and emotionally aware. I think it reveals a lot that your date wanted to process family problems on the 2nd date. I don't think a date needs to be a therapist or play the role of a good friend. I don't consider myself cerebral for wanting to talk about non-emotionally loaded topics. I think intimacy takes time. I empathize with revealing things on a date and opening wounds. I'm sorry that you had to leave the date with feelings of grief. I think it might have helped if you called a good friend. Dates with strangers stir up mixed feelings in me and sometimes I "bookend" the date with a phone call with a trusted friend. I'm sorry for your loss. And I think you sound like an sensible and grounded person. You did nothing wrong. Nothing wrong at all.
Author WintersNightTraveler Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 (edited) The title of your thread doesn't do justice to what you've said. You don't sound cerebral to me. Instead, you sound mature and emotionally aware. I think it reveals a lot that your date wanted to process family problems on the 2nd date. I don't think a date needs to be a therapist or play the role of a good friend. I don't consider myself cerebral for wanting to talk about non-emotionally loaded topics. I think intimacy takes time. I empathize with revealing things on a date and opening wounds. I'm sorry that you had to leave the date with feelings of grief. I think it might have helped if you called a good friend. Dates with strangers stir up mixed feelings in me and sometimes I "bookend" the date with a phone call with a trusted friend. I'm sorry for your loss. And I think you sound like an sensible and grounded person. You did nothing wrong. Nothing wrong at all. As far as the title goes, I just poke fun at myself around here a lot. I think a few folks will get the joke in light of some other threads. I do talk about such things with friends. I think I just want some random anonymous internet feedback too. As far as last night goes, I kind of already know the feedback I would have gotten from those friends of mine who were available :-) As far as the particular grief over my father, this happened years ago and I have very processed it already, at least as far as it is possible and reasonable. Some things are just always sad. I believe that once someone has dealt with such a thing past a basic level, you really need to know the situation very well and all parties involved to give insightful advice that will be helpful with the subsequent, more subtle issues to deal with. Hence why I don't really talk about things like that on early dates, or on internet forums for that matter. Or in other words, I'm well past the type of helpful but general advice (don't blame yourself, addiction is complex, etc) that is all someone could give without knowing more details or better yet observing first hand. I do know I did nothing wrong here or with my father - quite the opposite in fact. But I do appreciate that you said that. Yes it does reveal a lot about my date. It is very easy for me to see the types of things in life that bother her and that she is dealing with (not just this issue). Part of what I see is why I suspect there is not a very long term potential. I suppose I was mostly just rambling to sort things out in my head. Edited August 28, 2010 by WintersNightTraveler
Knittress Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 This thread is going to attract a bunch of indignant nerd-lovers.
Author WintersNightTraveler Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 This thread is going to attract a bunch of indignant nerd-lovers. LOL well I'm glad you got the joke title.
Stung Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 This thread is going to attract a bunch of indignant nerd-lovers. Hee. I was one . If it helps, WNT, there are women out there who would be touched and drawn in by your honesty and emotional awareness. It seems those are the kind of women you are looking for, as you are clearly seeking a real connection rather than another high-gloss surface-rub. I for one always preferred my men to be smart, funny, emotionally aware, and terribly real, offering me themselves rather than some prefab manufactured version stamp-approved by the lowest-common-denominator masses.
Author WintersNightTraveler Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 If it helps, WNT, there are women out there who would be touched and drawn in by your honesty and emotional awareness. Thanks. I know this, alas sometimes those who are drawn in sometimes turn out to not be what I am looking for. It seems those are the kind of women you are looking for, as you are clearly seeking a real connection rather than another high-gloss surface-rub. Heh. We'll see how I feel if another month goes by without a nice shallow weekend-long steamy f*ck session.
Stung Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Thanks. I know this, alas sometimes those who are drawn in sometimes turn out to not be what I am looking for. Heh. We'll see how I feel if another month goes by without a nice shallow weekend-long steamy f*ck session. Well, that's how life goes in the dating world. So many little ironies... I know some on this board would disagree, but it has never been my opinion that seeking a genuine emotional/romantic connection and engaging in the occasional hotblooded short-term fling have to be mutually exclusive.
Author WintersNightTraveler Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 Edit - whoops almost threadjacked my own thread.
Feelin Frisky Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I am a paragon of "cerebalness" for real. I think that what turns women off is the feeling that expressions of deep comprehension infers somewhat of a fixation or obsession in their eyes and that they don't wish to face the challenges of accommodating that or competing for attention with it. "Girls just wanna have fun" is no small assertion there, Cyndi Lauper. But I am not fixated or obsessed in reality--I'm just highly developed intellectually, knowledgeable about many things that are not commonly understood, always lucid and attentive and am very invested in independent-mindedness. With the ladies however, I find it serves to be cheeky and impish. Truth be told I don't want to risk alienating anyone IRL by always demanding deep philosophical dialog. I sometimes make expressions here on LS that incur into that but I only do so because I AM distanced and feel that perhaps I have experience and words to help someone see things from a different vantage that might be helpful. Feedback when I go a little deep has usually been validating and supportive. I guess I'm doing that now, aren't I?
shadowplay Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 What are you talking about? Cerebral guys are really hot to most women, and the women who don't like them are usually bimbos. I'm also confused by what that has to do with the content of the thread. It seems like what you're talking about is emotional openness. I'm not sure if it was the right choice for you to reveal all that heavy stuff on the first date, mostly because you don't know her that well and it probably left you feeling a bit vulnerable. I think you can be honest and still hold back a bit at the beginning.
meerkat stew Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 She could have been looking at your profile, or she could have been checking up to see if you were online on the site. Seeing you were online, she could have then gone to her chosen relationship forum and made a thread about why men get commitment-phobic after they have opened up. Every bird has two wings (other than the ones I shoot at people in traffic). So, the true thread topic seems twofold 1. Is it wise to "open up" in early dating as opposed to staying light and flirty? 2. How far will we go in rationalizing we aren't diggng someone when we really are? 1. No, not a good idea to go deep or heavy on the first few dates. IMO it's rude to burden someone else's fun dating time with baggage, even when they ask for it, even if we pretend in retrospect that we did it as some form of sociological experiment (have been at least as guilty of this as you, and recognize the signs, so not picking on you). Moreover, now in addition to worrying about what could have been with this girl, you are burdened with the baggge feelings resulting from bringing it out. 2. You like this girl, go on and fess up. You like her enough such that you are afraid you said something wrong, and are fantasizing what could have been had you not said what you believe was the wrong thing. Try to stop coddling your ego here and acting like you don't care, as it's plain you do. Nothing wrong with this, we all do it, but you are setting yourself up for failure when you have already plainly succeeded in the way that counts. Try to enjoy the fact that you are healthy and kicking enough as a human being to get hot for someone and play all these psychological games with yourself, proves you are alive and open to infinite possibility. Many aren't. You already won. You see, there is a principle in the universe that if we just think about something enough... :lmao: (comic interlude). You didn't ask for advice, but I have made the mistake you think you made many times, and wanted to chime in and do some venting also. Have also made that "just to see" call to a woman that I think I've messed up with and been amazed at the results, then made what seemed to be "sure thing" calls and been cranially spanked by completely unforeseen rejection. Who knows? Good luck on your third date.
Author WintersNightTraveler Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 (edited) 2. You like this girl, go on and fess up. You like her enough such that you are afraid you said something wrong, and are fantasizing what could have Err what? I am not sure where you got any of that. I wasn't sad because I told her this, and was worried she would be scared away. I was sad because while sitting at a lonely bus stop I thought about the last conversation I had with my father before he died. I don't think telling her that stuff scared her away or anything. Quite the opposite. She probably likes me more now. Sure I like her. Just nothing overwhelming. If I liked her a lot I wouldn't have bothered posting anything on here. @Shadowplay - The title was disingenuous. if I hadn't picked a title with some jazz no one would have replied. Go play along with my silly little jokes por favor. The real reason people don't like me has nothing to do with my brain, it is because I am not six feet tall of course . Also SP this was the second date. I don't feel vulnerable at all in this case. I am surprised everyone got that impression. Obviously the title choice was a mistake. I was really just trying to poke some fun at myself in how I always am so analytical on the board here, and have inadvertently condemned my own thread to forever be misinterpreted. Whoops. Edited August 28, 2010 by WintersNightTraveler
meerkat stew Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 If I liked her a lot I wouldn't have bothered posting anything on here. If you didn't like her a lot, why have you posted here? Surely not due only to her scoping the dating site, as if you didn't care it would not have motivated you to post.
Author WintersNightTraveler Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 If you didn't like her a lot, why have you posted here? Surely not due only to her scoping the dating site, as if you didn't care it would not have motivated you to post. Primarily because, like most people here, I have a bizarre tendancy to spend an unhealthy amount of time on the internet. Surely you cannot take merely posting about someone here as a sign the poster necesarily likes that person a lot. People post about people they love and people they detest here in equal measure - and all the middle ground is covered as well. Otherwise, I think I was mostly just kind of writing things out to myself. I had even noted that motivation in the first draft of the message, along with a lot of other details, but I removed them, because I thought it would be too long for anyone to read. Apparently though, my editing misses the bigger picture, since I screwed up the title, which seems to be the part everyone reads. Anyway this thread can die now, and I'll go back to my normal habit of just dissecting other people's threads.
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 To be honest WNT, in my experience opening up that early on can kill the sexual spark. Water kills fire. Will you call her again? P.S. wouldn't you be able to see on OKC if she visited your profile?
meerkat stew Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Surely you cannot take merely posting about someone here as a sign the poster necesarily likes that person a lot. The reasons I thought you like her are that you seem to do the exact same things I do when I like someone, yet am afraid it is unrequited because I messed up in some way. I try to convince myself that I really didn't like her all that much. You mention (twice) that you could have had sex with her, yet decided to take a different tack in the moment instead of flirting with her lightly and seducing her. If you say you are to be taken at face value and not rationalizing, I accept that, no reason not to. Wasn't trying to "get you" on something or Sherlock Holmes your thread, it just seemed very similar to some of my own foibles in the past. As much time as we spend frivolously here on the net, isn't it possible that we become experienced in spotting certain types of subtext?
Author WintersNightTraveler Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 To be honest WNT, in my experience opening up that early on can kill the sexual spark. Water kills fire. Will you call her again? P.S. wouldn't you be able to see on OKC if she visited your profile? She's on private browsing mode. I sent a half assed email. Meh. Water kills fire, you may have nailed it. I wouldn't have been so forthright if I was more into things. I would have gently avoided her questions instead.
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