mortensorchid Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 This is a long story, please bare with me... Ten years ago, I met the love of my life. He was wonderful, he was the light of my life, he was everything to me. We had been together for about 9 months, and then he started acting weird on me. He started saying things like he was nervous because things got serious very quickly. He said he would rather sit at home than go out with me (either just the two of us or out with others). Then he got very frustrating. It came to a head just before Christmas of 2001. I had just come from my Mom's best friend's funeral, and he came over to my place afterward to tell me that he was angry. He said he didn't think I was taking things seriously, I asked what he was talking about. He was angry that I didn't ask him to go to a party with him, I said "Yes I did! I told you about that party two weeks before and you said you didn't want to go so I went without you!" He looked sheepish and realized that he had, in fact, said that. Then he accused me of not asking him to do something else, and I said I had and once again he said he didn't want to do it. He demanded to know why it was that I didn't ask him to go with him to the funeral earlier that day. I said I didn't think that he would be comfortable going to a funeral for a person he didn't know. I asked if he would have asked me to go to a funeral for a person I didn't know, he said he wouldn't have. Then I said "You wouldn't have come anyway for the same reasons I just pointed out, right?" He said "Yes." And I blew up at him saying "Then what are you complaining about?!" Then he broke down and said it had nothing to any of those things, and I said "Then what IS it about?!" He demanded to know why I went to a therapist. (I have since learned to keep that private, but after a while he did see the prescription bottles in my bathroom.) I said "None of your business!" and threw him out. He came back a few days later and said he was sorry about all of that, and that he just wanted to be friends. I told him to get bent and once again threw him out of my place. Then he came back again and said that he wanted another chance, and he had some actual reasons that bothered him about things. He then pulled out a list he had written and read them off to me. Offended? Not really, I guess people do that but they rarely if ever share it with others. So he was back. Nine months later, he broke it off again. He said the first time that he was bored, the second time he said my lifestyle is too busy for him. I wish that was the end of it. For the next two and a half / three years I was in a state of denial. I still saw and talked to him quite a bit, and I took my frustrations out in food. I stacked on the weight consistently. I then had another boyfriend after him, only lasted a few months, he's more of a dear friend than anything else, we still talk to this day. I met the next serious boyfriend in 2004. I knew from the beginning deep within that we were not right for each other, a friend of mine (who had also met him) nailed it on the head. He said that I was with him because he liked me and no other reason, we were trying to make a sandwich with the last two slices of bread, and we weren't going make a good sandwich. I didn't feel about him the same way that I felt about the other, not for one minute. The next serious boyfriend turned out to be a paranoid control freak who turned abusive when I didn't do what he wanted. Things ended horribly with him, not on my part but his. And now, it's been four years since I had a serious relationship, nearly five. In the fall of 2005, the first one, the love of my life, moved away from here to another state. I have not heard from him since, and he's not coming back. Tonight I told my friend (the same who made the sandwich comment) that I had a dream about the love of my life this past week. In my dream, I saw him again and then I was running towards him, but I couldn't get close enough to him so that he would see me. I woke up crying, and I spent the whole day crying on and off about him. He said that I wouldn't be having these dreams if I had someone else in my life, or at least a dozen Mr. Right Nows around. I said I wasn't sure about that. He said he would bet anything that when his mother passes away in another so many years, he would be back at my doorstep, this time fat and bald and not as cute as he was when I was with him. I said I wasn't sure about that either. So out of a combination misery and curiosity, I did a search and found him on LinkedIn. I am tempted to contact him, or at least see if he responds to it at all. He left, not just me but he cut everyone and everything he had ties to in this state. Not one person hears from him anymore unless it's business related. Am I bad for feeling this? I'm just as angry with him as much as I miss the good things. But I'm afraid to reach out, I'd feel like a fool if he shoots me down. Thanks for reading this. It was good to get this off my chest.
spookie Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Um, am I missing something? The "love of your life" sounds like a psychotic ahole. Why do you even want someone like that around?? To some extent, I think none of us ever quite get over our first love, but it's time to let bygones be bygones.
kalikula Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 You cared for him deeply, but I suspect your friend is right. If you had met another great guy you would not be having dreams about him like that. Someone better is out there keep looking!
callingyouuu Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Um, am I missing something? The "love of your life" sounds like a psychotic ahole. Why do you even want someone like that around?? To some extent, I think none of us ever quite get over our first love, but it's time to let bygones be bygones. I'm somewhat inclined to agree. I can't say I'm quite completely over my first love, either. Whenever I think about her, though, I just remind myself of how toxic she ended up being in the end. It sounds like your first love wasn't quite the angel of your life, either, with a bunch of hot and cold spells. Like kalikula said, I think your friend is right.
Author mortensorchid Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 I realize I am also being very self centered as well, because if he were to come back in the dreams or real life then I would want it to be as good as it was in the beginning. But it wasn't like that. He told me the last time that he saw me that he was sorry about all the things he put me through, he'd never been in a long term relationship before and didn't know what to do with himself once the infatuation period wore off. He said he learned a lot with me. My eyes are filling with tears as I type this, thinking about the past, and just WANTING things to be good when they can't be that even if he were still around me physically. I guess I'm just lonely. It is, after all, Friday night and this is the day that most people have bad news to report. I can't help but remember as well that he said on Valentine's Day of 2001 he was going to give me a letter that I would have been instructed to open on that same day in 2003. It was going to say that he was going to ask me to marry him. But, that didn't happen. I won't contact him.
spookie Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I get teary-eyed about my first love sometimes too. He was the love of my life in the sense that I know I will never love someone so completely and unconditionally again, not to mention believe with my all that those feelings were reciprocated. It makes me sad that for all the emotion, I will probably never see him again. A part of me that will never stop longing to just experience him again, look in his eyes, touch his hair, remember his body. I mean, I loved him. We always miss the people that we loved. But I force myself to snap out of it, as there is life to be lived, and he was so bad for me and we hurt each other so much that I know it could never work out.
Stung Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I get teary-eyed about my first love sometimes too.... I mean, I loved him. We always miss the people that we loved. But I force myself to snap out of it, as there is life to be lived, and he was so bad for me and we hurt each other so much that I know it could never work out. This. Mortensorchid, I really believe that you need to stop thinking of this guy as 'the love of your life.' He was A love, and now he is a bittersweet memory that you are torturing yourself with because you're lonely. I get that, I do. But it's so important to learn from past experience and to move on. The relationship with him didn't work, twice, because of pretty fundamental compatibility issues--IMO it would be a huge mistake to waste more of your life miring yourself down in it a third time.
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