MissVegas Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. There was a huge bump in our relationship two years ago when my boyfriend went to out of town to visit a friend and I found out later he had taken a girls phone number there and proceeded to flirt and send her shirtless pics of himself. Trust was broken and the whole ordeal was never really solved, when I asked why he did it he said because I " was b*tching at him too much" but I'm a determined girl to make things work and I do have many good times with him. Recently he told me he was going to Vegas with a good guy friend of his who is single, I flipped at first explaining to him that it's hard for me to trust him. I had gone to Vegas earlier with a best girlfriend who is in a committed relationship but I am the most loyal girlfriend and he knows that if guys talk to me I tell them I have a boyfriend off the bat as to not lead them on, don't dance with other guys etc. Just had fun with my girlfriend. Basically he said I was a hypocrite because I had just gone. Anyways I once again decided to be determined and make things work and gave him my blessing to go, told him to have an amazing time and that I was trusting him. This week the night before he left my aunt & uncle from out of town visited who I have not seen in years and they wanted to meet my boyfriend so he came for dinner. He seemed irritated during dinner stating "i need to leave by nine I need to pack and shower and get ready for vegas" so we left at nine. Then we went back to his house and I had bought some victorias secret lingerie and wanted him to see it and us have some fun before he left but he was not feeling it and was "too stressed about getting ready, packing, showering and being organized before he left" he has OCD and likes to be prepared. So i started to cry which set him off, really it was my anxiety about the whole trip coming out and i felt like an idiot in this lingerie with him more preoccupied about his trip to Vegas. He ended up calling me a "psycho" and said I was "being a b*tch" and also to "stop F****ing crying" so I left because name calling is UNACCEPTABLE and I know that and he's called me "b*tch and psycho before and each time I've told him I was not accept this" but I went back and knocked on his door because I really didn't want him leaving on terms like this and wanted to sort stuff out and have an adult conversation about boundaries and protecting our relationship while he's away. He opened it a crack and said "i really have to shower and pack and get ready I don't have time for this I'll call you later" and shut the door on my sobbing face. He apologized later saying "sorry im stressed at work and took it out on you" but it was still really bugging me so I called him when he was at the airport before he left and told him how hurt I was feeling but that I wanted him to have a good time. His reply was "are you seriously calling me to b*tch at me right before I leave?". Anyways now he is in Vegas and I'm still pretty upset he's sent me a couple texts saying "love you lots" is there anything I or we can do to fix the name calling and not tending to my needs when I'm upset or is this pretty much doomed??
Dexter Morgan Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 I'm sorry, but your bf is a complete ahole. And there is absolutely no reason to trust him. He has been caught already, and now he is going to Vegas? I know you went, but he has proven himself untrustworthy. And getting mad the night before he is to leave for Sin City is a HUGE red flag. No love or thinking he will miss you...nothing but name calling and anger. I know you probably aren't thinking anything close to this, but if it were me with a girlfriend like this, I'd tell him his things will be waiting out on the lawn for him when he gets back and to take a s##t then fall back in it.
TaraMaiden Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Dexter Morgan. LoveShack's very own "Tell it like it is" Dr. Phil. Well, call me Mrs Dr Phil, because I echo his sentiments entirely. get rid of him, kick his @ss to the kerb, chuck his stuff out and tell him you hope the ticket was one way, because thee's no return ticket to where you are. Ditch this bag of turds. Seriously hun, get a life, because any life is better than this one. Trust us.
caramel c Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Hey I know this hurts and you don't want to end it but you really ought to. A guy who really cares about you won't treat you this way. Don't listen to his words, he's full of bs. Dump him.
White Dove Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Please save yourself from this emotional abusive relationship. You don't deserve it. Ditch the arsehole.
Alma Mobley Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Yes, I'm afraid it is doomed. It sounds like he has contempt for you, and when contempt enters the picture, the relationship usually doesn't recover. I really think you should listen to the advice above. You don't deserve to be treated in that manner. You should be with someone who respects you.
Ronni_W Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 my aunt & uncle from out of town visited who I have not seen in years and they wanted to meet my boyfriend so he came for dinner. He seemed irritated during dinner stating "i need to leave by nine I need to pack and shower and get ready for vegas" so we left at nine. Then we went back to his house and I had bought some victorias secret lingerie and wanted him to see it and us have some fun before he left but he was not feeling it and was "too stressed about getting ready, packing, showering and being organized before he left" he has OCD and likes to be prepared. I gonna call it differently. You KNOW he is has OCD and you KNOW how it manifests for him. You KNEW he was leaving for Vegas and had already started getting 'antsy' about that. He had been clear and straight with you. He had risked his routine just to keep you happy and meet your visiting-from-out-of-town aunt and uncle. You KNEW he wanted to get back to his by a certain time. You KNEW, or ought to have known, that it was his way of trying to avoid an OCD episode. But you STILL tried to manipulate/seduce him, and further interrupt his schedule that he'd ALREADY modified at your request and for your benefit. And when your seduction plan failed to work...YOU started crying?!?! He is the one whose STATED needs and KNOWN medical condition were completely ignored by you. You acted like you cared not a cent for anything except getting what you wanted. I'm not understanding how that makes him an "ahole".
Stung Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 It's doomed, and you don't realize it now, but this should come as a RELIEF to you. He doesn't respect you, he doesn't value your input or your emotions, he is dismissive and mean to you, and the cherry on top is that he's unfaithful. I commend you on your impulse to work things out, to be committed. But you are trying to work things out and be committed with the WRONG guy. You are clearly incompatible in fundamental ways, and misunderstanding each other painfully. It's time to let this one go. It will hurt at first but I promise, you will ultimately be glad he's gone. Perhaps you should spend some time alone afterwards, thinking deeply about why you put up with this kind of treatment for so long. Do you need to do some work on yourself, improving your self-esteem?
Author MissVegas Posted August 27, 2010 Author Posted August 27, 2010 He's not clinically OCD just a very neat person, and likes to have things organized.
harmfulsweetz Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 See, I'd be wondering if he got so mad so that he can justify any 'misdemeanors' whilst in Vegas. I get that while you're OCD, you have to have a specific routine, and must stick to it or you feel all argh, and antsy about it, and panic. I don't think it excuses his treatment of you. Put it this way: my ex has a sister who is depressed, she suffers heavily from depression, but she's the most emotionally manipulative person I've ever met, and vicious with her words. Everyone excuses it and justifies it with 'she's got depression'. That doesn't give her the divine right to treat people like they are sh*t she just trod in. That's not belittling her condition, it's honest and true. People with conditions can still control their words, and actions, and some even exploit their condition to the point of getting away with abusing people. As others have stated, leave him. He's given you enough reason to not trust him, and now he abuses you. They do say that if a guy/gal intends to cheat more often than not they will pick fights in order to almost justify their cheating to themselves/others/you.
Author MissVegas Posted August 27, 2010 Author Posted August 27, 2010 Would counseling help?? If he agreed to go to counseling? I'm his first long term girlfriend and he is 29. His parents had a nasty divorce when he was young and he never had a relationship to look to for guidance. My parents have been married for 35 years and they respect eachother very much. His parents also hate eachother and have ever since the divorce, they will not attend the same functions and one time his dad attended the same wedding as his mom and the mom stated to us "i'm going to assassinate your father you better keep him away from me". His dad also is a very serious man who expresses no emotion ever.
Stung Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 He considers making sure a bag is neatly packed more important than treating his sobbing, half-naked girlfriend with a tiny bit of empathy or respect. Counseling can work a lot of wonders but it doesn't help somebody feel real feelings of respect and caring for someone if the feelings aren't there in the first place. I'm sorry.
Author MissVegas Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 you're right i just dont know why he does not have them i do everything to show i love him and support him and make him feel special, his family loves me...I guess I'll always wonder.
Stung Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 you're right i just dont know why he does not have them i do everything to show i love him and support him and make him feel special, his family loves me...I guess I'll always wonder. You can lead a horse to water but you just can't make him drink, MissVegas. How many more years do you want to spend bending over backwards trying to force this man to love and respect you? Don't do that to your life. Severing this relationship will be painful at first and for a little while, but if you are single and working on bettering your self-esteem you will find somebody better. Believe me it is a wonderful discovery, when you realize that relationships don't have to be SO HARD. Really, relationships do take work and commitment but they don't have to be painful rollercoasters, they can be supportive and comforting.
TaraMaiden Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 .... Put it this way: my ex has a sister who is depressed, she suffers heavily from depression, but she's the most emotionally manipulative person I've ever met, and vicious with her words. Everyone excuses it and justifies it with 'she's got depression'. That doesn't give her the divine right to treat people like they are sh*t she just trod in. That's not belittling her condition, it's honest and true. People with conditions can still control their words, and actions, and some even exploit their condition to the point of getting away with abusing people. .... Oh my goodness, Word, QFT, or whatever they say, this is absolutely so damn spot on... This describes a member of my family to a complete T. "Gifted" as she puts it (!!) with Bi-Polar, she pulls every single damn string she can, yanks whatever chain she can find and plays on it with the consummate ease of an experienced and long established Thespian. Her 'Woe is me' routine is a classic, martyred-victim, Gloria Gaynor "I will survive" performance worthy of several Oscar Nominations. I've thought of a new definition of MM... not Married Man, but Master Manipulator..... Maybe we can add it as Mm.... Gosh, they're good at this...... So much great advice on here MissVegas.... for goodness' sake, use it, don't let it go to waste....
SpanksTheMonkey Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Sadly this relationship was prob "doomed" right from the very 1st abusive word he said to you because that was the "light bulb" moment thats when it clicked for him that you are beneath him. And he can treat you how ever he likes and you will lap it all up and let him keep going. The damaged has been done hun he will more then likely not stop these behaviors why should he? I will also go as far to say you might as well except the fact he cheated on you in "Vegas" I've so seen that dynamic before. Single guy taking a guy friend whose in a relationship on a so called "harmless" holiday and its always been proven to me anyways the single guy influences the other one to cheat on some level. I'm not saying this is the deal 100% of the time guys but yeah given his past antics I'de bet on it so let me ask you this op just how long are you going to be his door mat when is enough enough do you hate yourself that much or are you completely comfortable and afraid of change?
wierdmunky Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Hey I just read your post, and I just had to say that if your are feeling this bad, you call it emotional abuse, and the man that loves you cannot see it that way to help his own girlfriend, instead runs away and calls you a b* ,and doesn't reconcile over a conversation, doesn't deserve to have a girlfriend. He needs to know how to treat a woman, plain and simple. If you are anything but that woman then maybe you shouldn't be with each other.
Leigh 87 Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 You should think highly enough of yourself, to nto NEED a guy who treats u that way. You do not need a guy to be happy. So make sure the guys u DO have, treat u very, very well. You were CRYING, yet he did not feel the urge to comfort u. Not only that, but he actually turned his BACK on you whilst you were clearly upset. He does not sound like the right guy for you. If you settle for him, you are missing out on a lot of guys out there who would treat u better.
Author MissVegas Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 I almost feel like i don't want to let him go because of the good times we have he does show me love and treats me with respect at times and treats my family with respect and i'll be crushed to see him with someone else. He always gets me to do and try new things as well.. I'm crushed like i'm completely devastated. I want him to love me i love him so much but he disrespects me and just i guess is not that into me...
Loquacious Miss L. Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I understand your pain but you need to think better of yourself than that. He IS emotionally abusive and at the same time manipulative and condescending. He doesn't respect you. If you stay in a situation like this, after awhile you become brainwashed to thinking this behavior is acceptable and furthermore HE will think it's acceptable because you haven't broken up with him over it. Go back and re-read your post and ask yourself: If this was a friend telling you this story, what would you tell her to do? I'm sorry if my tilt is strong on the matter, I've been where you are and don't want to see you get more hurt.
sweetjasmine Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I almost feel like i don't want to let him go because of the good times we have You can have good times with someone else without the abuse. he does show me love and treats me with respect at times At times? Is that good enough for you? and i'll be crushed to see him with someone else. Will you be crushed if you see him slam the door in another sobbing girl's face? Will you be crushed to see him call someone else a b-tch and a psycho? Will you be crushed to see him tell another girl to "stop f-ing crying"? I want him to love me i love him so much but he disrespects me and just i guess is not that into me... That guy will disrespect anyone who lets him. He's not going to magically change if you love him harder. He's only going to keep walking all over you. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but you're setting yourself up for more and more pain, abuse, and manipulation if you stay. Please get out now before it escalates.
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