Did I just suddenly raised her up onto a high pedstal by accident? :S

[p0w3r]

hii everyone, just discovered this forum andglad to be the newest member of this community. forum looks great btw.

 

something happened earlier today... which really made me think about it in the past few hours. um Im not sure if Im just totally overthinking a negligible matter, or this could have a much bigger effect than i might have imagined..???

 

Here is the story with a little background so... here goes the incident:

 

We are both 19. (we've been on and off). We're both virgins who always have kept our views to "No sex before marriage". Today we both had a day off and I went to just to relax at her apartment and get to see her starry little eyes =p. The weather had been dark-ish all day today and it was raining so we just stayed indoors. We got kinda bored, and with nothing to do and just kinda ended up kissing each other and then made out a little on the bed. I was never planning to take this far at all because we had planned to go get lunch as we were both extremely hungry lol. But by the time I realised..we were both basically naked and in her bed making out. I got really horny and we started having "dry sex" (no actual penetration). Then I felt like and wanted to go the full way and so... I started heavily "sweet-talking" her with compliments rushing out of my mouth nonstop.. saying to her things like, "oh baby your so hot; baby girl your so awesome; your soooo skilled your such a natural; your body feels soo sweet right now to me...your the best girl that I've ever dreamed of...your soo good this is oh soo crazy...etc etc etc etc etc " I kept on saying stuff to her like this for like all of ten mins lol trying to get her into the perfect mood ... (we didn't end up having proper sex as after those 10 mins i managed to control myself ..trying to avoid unplanned pregnancies etc...and i stopped (and took her out to lunch.)..

 

so the question i wanted to ask you wizards is =p......

 

I normally never have complimented her much about anything appearance wise before ..so looking back..ive barely said ANYTHING like the things i said above to her, ever.(one of the reasons being-- i heard from a friend that too many compliments to her about how hot she is and how pretty she is will make the gf "full of themselves" and "put them on a pedestal" )...........so does this rapid barrage of compliments from to my gf, especially in a scenario in the event that i had described above......suddenly have put her and raised her onto a (high) pedestal?? Now shes gonna think Im a total sucker for her good looks and sexy body and now views me differently(lost respect for me and looking more down on me)?? Will this make her think "oh hes sooo falling for me and my awesome looks...now i dont even have to put that much effort into this relationship now hes totally sucked into me and addicted to my looks (and now he will do everything i say and i want him to do)?? Will she think Im trying to suck up to her and "trying to kiss her ass" and now she thinks she can be as manipulative as she wants and look at me with a different view?

 

:S :S :S

 

 

TIA

[p0w3r]

oh just wanted to add a bit more details...shes a bit of a tomboy... we were talking about this incident a few hours after it happened and she brought it up and was teasing/mocking me about it...she was lyk..."oh ur so awesome oh ur so hot...hahahahaha" ..

 

thanks for any help

 

 

mr confused =p

[TaraMaiden]

You're confused?

No, more likely, with her teasing you, is she knew you were just trying to take it up a notch.

 

What's with all the 'no sex before marriage' crap?

Do you think sex is just penetration? because I've got news for you.

You 'had sex'. You just didn't go all the way.

 

Look, if it's some religious thing then ok, I get it, all respect, and fine if that's how you feel, but it's kind of hypocritical to say devoutly 'no sex before marriage', and then do something like that. It's what's known as "moving the goalposts". Either you get down and dirty, or you control yourselves and stay fully clothed.

 

if it's nothing to do with religion, then, take precautions, get her on the pill, wear condoms, be sensible - but sheesh! have some fun!

 

Having sex for the first time with someone AFTER you're married to them - is dumb. Great, find out on your wedding night that this isn't what you like, and you have a whole different can of worms to deal with...

[lso802]

She's more likely to wonder if you said all those things, because you wanted some nookie. So long as you don't have her on a pedestal in your mind, you're good to go buddy.

[p0w3r]

Thanks for your quick reply . I see what you are saying with the whole "no sex before marriage" thing, but thats an entirely different issue on this occasion so its not really what I was asking about. Im more looking for answers regarding ...the effects of my sudden barrage of compliments to her as ive described in bed and how she would receive it and (changes in the way she) view me and things as a consequence of that. To be dead to the point I'm just scared my compliments would have shown my weakness and total affection for her in front of her and she would take advantage of me now she would view me differently.

 

Oh and what does the her teasing me indicate? =s she's trying to make fun of me? I mean its normal to say sweet things in bed right? lol. I dont actually find what i say "funny"

 

Yeah but regarding sex before marriage, she is just really unexperienced and has told me she would only do it with her "husband". You know its kinda hard to change a womans view once shes got her views set in stone...so I dont want to make her feel uncomfortable in what we do. I'm not saying we're gonna get married, in fact, we probably has less than 1% percent chance of ending up getting married, but I'm not just in it for the sex

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks for your quick reply . I see what you are saying with the whole "no sex before marriage" thing, but thats an entirely different issue on this occasion so its not really what I was asking about.

Fair enough. My point is, are you both on the same page about it? It sounds as if you don't agree with her, and you want to respect her wishes but you were Oh-so-close to not doing so.....

 

Im more looking for answers regarding ...the effects of my sudden barrage of compliments to her as ive described in bed

You've admitted yourself, it was a tactical ploy to get her to (literally) open up to you. You then exercised self-control because you realised it's what she has already said she DOESN'T want to happen.....

 

and how she would receive it and (changes in the way she) view me and things as a consequence of that.

I think her teasing shows that she saw through it, and saw precisely where you were going with it. Or trying to anyway....

 

To be dead to the point I'm just scared my compliments would have shown my weakness and total affection for her in front of her and she would take advantage of me now she would view me differently.

 

And here... I've completely lost you.

What "weakness and total affection"?

 

Hang on...do you mean your ability to override your physical desire by stopping yourself? Weakness as in nearly succumbing to the power and temptation of the passion?

 

I think you're over-thinking this. You're a young, hot-blooded guy with physical desires. You stopped yourself, well done you. Now? Just drop it.....

 

Oh and what does the her teasing me indicate? =s she's trying to make fun of me? I mean its normal to say sweet things in bed right? lol. I dont actually find what i say "funny"

She's teasing you because she knows how hot you got. She's teasing you because I guess she's probably not used to being described in those terms (a tomboy wouldn't be, would she?) so she just sees the funny side of the passionate instant. Again, I think you're over-thinking it.....

 

Yeah but regarding sex before marriage, she is just really unexperienced and has told me she would only do it with her "husband". You know its kinda hard to change a womans view once shes got her views set in stone...so I dont want to make her feel uncomfortable in what we do.

 

did she strike you as 'uncomfortable'? Was she totally willing apart from the penetration bit? I actually think you should put it to her that you both got pretty close. How did she feel about that? I think (again, unless her convictions are based upon a religious construct) that personally, she's misguided on the "no sex 'til you're a husband" thing. But I outlined my point earlier, so that's been said.....

 

 

I'm not saying we're gonna get married, in fact, we probably has less than 1% percent chance of ending up getting married, but I'm not just in it for the sex

 

Well, you'd better consider what you are in it for, then, because part of growing into the kind of person who enjoys a healthy, well-balanced relationship with another person, is to also enjoy a satisfactory sex life.

 

If you are that certain you're not going to be marrying her, then what are you in this for? because if you are therefore, by definition the man with whom she is NEVER going to have sex - what is your payoff, exactly?

Edited August 27, 2010 by TaraMaiden

[p0w3r]

ok, but first of all, briefly...wats the best way I should respond to the teasing? She keeps on bringing it up lol (as a joke) (mostly thru txts)...should i just laugh it off? or should i become more serious and tell her to shuttup? (shes quite immature

Edited August 27, 2010 by p0w3r

[TaraMaiden]

Tell her she got off lightly. You can take the teasing, you're nice guy. Had you been any more selfish, she'd have no virginity any more, and you don't appreciate being teased that way - either in bed, or by making jokes about it. If she's so keen on being the goody virgin, why go to bed with you stark naked and go through all that, at all?

 

I really think you should put this to her.

She's what we in the UK call a prick-teaser. And that's just unfair.

 

Is what I think....

[p0w3r]

hmm right. but shes not teasing me about the falling short on sex..she teases me about the stuff I said to her ( what i wrote down above) to me as a tease..should I say something like...shutup. or laugh with her taking the view I did/said something "funny"(to her)?

 

the prick-teaser thing I would like to discuss with her in person at a seperate time.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm sorry you're not getting this. I happen to think that to her, it's all part and parcel of the same thing.

 

She's teasing you about all the words and terminology you used. Unfortunately (and I'm a woman, but I'm quite prepared to be proved wrong on this) she's teasing you about the whole thing.... the words, intention and the fact that you didn't actually get any, thanks to your own self-control.

 

But it's her defence mechanism.

 

I think she may well be aware she went just a little bit too far, physically - and she may be a little embarrassed by now appearing to have been a hypocrite about this sex before marriage stance - so she's turning it back on you, as a joke.

[p0w3r]

hmm I dont think she was aware that I was wanting to go the whole way tho. I made no actual attempts physically to try to initiate any sort of penetration..I simply wanted to set the mood first but I stopped myself after 10 mins of doing that.

 

so you are saying I should just be serious and tell her shes lucky i let her off? or?

[that girl]

She's making fun of you because you never really complimented her until you wanted to get laid. You're worried about a pedestal, but never complimenting a girl until you're in bed is iffy. She might be embarassed, she might feel a bit uncomfortable about how close you came to sex, she might feel like you were trying to manipulate her, she might just be kidding.

 

I'm going with manipulative.

 

How long have you two been dating.

 

She's what we in the UK call a prick-teaser. And that's just unfair.

 

No, she isn't.

 

A prick tease is someone who intentionally gets a guy all riled up just for the amusement of it.

 

These are two teenage virgins. It isn't that unusual for teenage virgins to fool around naked without being willing to have sex. They're still figuring things out.

[p0w3r]

whoa. I think you are actually right. Just been txting her a few txts in the last hour.

 

here is the exact message log:

 

1st txt: she was teasing me about it...going..

"haha....hmmmmm i remembered sum 1 sed im awesome.......=p...hmmmm i wonder who is dat person..."

 

i replied as you advised me to do:

"na. ur lucky i didnt do more ;)"

 

she replied

"y lucky...u cant do too bad...mwhahahaha"

 

i replied

"=.=...cant do wat?"

 

she replied

"cant do more..haha"

 

i replied:

"yea i can . . u got off lightly i was nice :)"

 

and then the last txt she sent was:

"O.o...haha...u gotta sl(ee)p aft(er) u meet me 2day?"

(effectively changing the topic?"

 

im a bit lost on this...so any help ? thanks so much

[that girl]

Tell her she got off lightly. You can take the teasing, you're nice guy. Had you been any more selfish, she'd have no virginity any more, and you don't appreciate being teased that way - either in bed, or by making jokes about it.

 

so you are saying I should just be serious and tell her shes lucky i let her off?

 

Don't say this. Really don't say this.

 

She wasn't fighting you off, but she also didn't consent to sex. I understand how you would have been temped, but penetrating her when you know she wants to wait until marriage and she hasn't given you the green light is rape.

 

I'm not saying you nearly raped her because what you really did was try to convince her, but this whole let her off easy thing could completely freak her out.

[TaraMaiden]

hmm I dont think she was aware that I was wanting to go the whole way tho. I made no actual attempts physically to try to initiate any sort of penetration..I simply wanted to set the mood first but I stopped myself after 10 mins of doing that.

Ah. ok, I might have misunderstood that. I got the feeling as you were both naked and up close and personal, and you probably had a healthy erection, she would have understood that. Truth to tell, I'm finding it difficult to honestly believe she wouldn't get that....

 

]so you are saying I should just be serious and tell her shes lucky i let her off? or?

Well, it's definitely a no-nonsense approach. And as you're getting a little tired of the teasing, why pretend to go along with it?

 

She's making fun of you because you never really complimented her until you wanted to get laid. You're worried about a pedestal, but never complimenting a girl until you're in bed is iffy. She might be embarassed, she might feel a bit uncomfortable about how close you came to sex, she might feel like you were trying to manipulate her, she might just be kidding.

 

I'm going with manipulative.

THis was my view too....

 

No, she isn't.

 

A prick tease is someone who intentionally gets a guy all riled up just for the amusement of it.

 

These are two teenage virgins. It isn't that unusual for teenage virgins to fool around naked without being willing to have sex. They're still figuring things out.

 

yeah, ok... having been out of my teens for 35 years, I guess I might be rusty at this game!!

[p0w3r]

She's making fun of you because you never really complimented her until you wanted to get laid. You're worried about a pedestal, but never complimenting a girl until you're in bed is iffy. She might be embarassed, she might feel a bit uncomfortable about how close you came to sex, she might feel like you were trying to manipulate her, she might just be kidding.

 

I'm going with manipulative.

 

How long have you two been dating.

 

 

 

No, she isn't.

 

A prick tease is someone who intentionally gets a guy all riled up just for the amusement of it.

 

These are two teenage virgins. It isn't that unusual for teenage virgins to fool around naked without being willing to have sex. They're still figuring things out.

 

sorry, can you explain what you mean by "im going with manipulative" ? .. not sure what you are referring to.

 

and yes I do think she is NOT a prick-teaser. Im bascially her first proper boyfriend ( she has fooled around with several guys before but nothing lasted more than 1 month with those guys and they were all back in middle school / high school times). Shes just really inexperienced with all sexual things. She's never seen a penis before before she met me. In fact she was amazed at how a penis worked when she saw it for the first time(how it could become hard and become soft). lol.

 

im actually pretty lost despite all the great advice from taramaiden. I think shes joking, and I can definitely take the tease, but maybe shes mocking me about the fact i didnt get her to have sex with me. ideas??

 

and did I go overboard or say anything wrong with the txts exchanged in the message log?

[p0w3r]

Don't say this. Really don't say this.

 

She wasn't fighting you off, but she also didn't consent to sex. I understand how you would have been temped, but penetrating her when you know she wants to wait until marriage and she hasn't given you the green light is rape.

 

I'm not saying you nearly raped her because what you really did was try to convince her, but this whole let her off easy thing could completely freak her out.

 

omg. I already said it. (as seen in the message log i posted just then) any ideas on what to do now?

 

taramaiden im not criticising u at all. in fact im happy you took the time to answer the questions. Im just really confused atm.

[that girl]

p0w3r you are way to worried about her somehow having the upper hand.

 

Personally, I think that "I let you off easy" text was a big mistake. Maybe it rolled right off her back, but I already posted my view on how that could sound threatening.

 

You like this girl. You don't think you will marry her, but you both at this point think you want to wait until marriage for sex.

 

It is normal to compliment the person you are dating.

 

You need her consent for sex.

 

You need to talk to this girl and stop being so afraid of her and so selfish.

 

She trusts you enough to be naked with you. Do not mess that up.

[p0w3r]

p0w3r you are way to worried about her somehow having the upper hand.

 

Personally, I think that "I let you off easy" text was a big mistake. Maybe it rolled right off her back, but I already posted my view on how that could sound threatening.

 

You like this girl. You don't think you will marry her, but you both at this point think you want to wait until marriage for sex.

 

It is normal to compliment the person you are dating.

 

You need her consent for sex.

 

You need to talk to this girl and stop being so afraid of her and so selfish.

 

She trusts you enough to be naked with you. Do not mess that up.

 

that girl: you are right!!! you basically said what I have been wanting to say the whole time. I'm scared of her getting the upper hand. I admit it. Kinda insecure on my part, but its a fact and I'll admit to the fact. Im not perfect I know.

 

the current situation is,( as you've probably seen in the message log I just posted earlier)...I already said "I let you off easy"etc etc etc. Big mistake? Taramaiden did her best to help me so I followed through with that advice. Will it backfire in your opinion? You guys have different views on this so...

 

and Yes consent for sex is very important to me (this is not a street whore who i dont care abuot), thus while all this time shes said no I never really forced anything big. Maybe I've forced a few touches on her body here and there, but for example once she said I couldnt touch her private areas...I touched it for a few seconds intentionally anyways and then she pulled my hands away and I just stopped after that. Kinda like a tease to her but I wasnt seriously gonna continue doing what she didnt want me to do for more than a few seconds.

 

Yes, she trusts me enough to be naked with me. I love that fact because I love this girl. I really don't want to mess this up. Have I messed it up by anything I txted her ? Please have a look at the message log and tell me all I should know.

 

Im kinda hoping greatly that that "I let you off the hook" text rolled off her back like as if nothing was said. I want any sex, if any, to be part of her wants too and not me being a predator or anything trying to get some sort of "manly egoistic power gain" from having sex with her.

[TaraMaiden]

Hell's bells why does everybody say everything through texts nowadays?? What the heck ever happened to face to face communication??

 

I didn't mean you should TEXT her anything! I said "Tell" twice! I would never hold a conversation like this through texts!!

 

jeesh!

 

You guys are young....!

 

Never talk bout sexual situations in texts! ever! first off, you never know who might be peeking at the 'phone, secondly - it's just so much better to do it face to face. Then she wouldn't have found it so easy to change the subject.

Look, I'm going to leave this between you and that girl, she's a lot more street-savvy and I think on the ball about this.

Listen to her, ok??

 

Texts?? WTF!?

 

Okay, bye!!

[that girl]

Yes consent for sex is very important to me (this is not a street whore who i dont care abuot),

Waiting for her to consent to sex is not some gift you are giving her, it is the law. You need consent to have sex with a whore, otherwise it is rape.

 

You need to have some kind of coversation about sex. I wouldn't bring up the "let you off easy" text because while I see it as a red flag, she might not. Just ask her how she feels about how things have been going.

 

Tara Maiden is right- stop freaking texting. It is not meant for serious conversations.

 

And stop with this obsessing over who has the upper hand. Just stop.