sparks05 Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 (edited) i am seeing this lovely guy who completely pursued me through the beginning, challenged me to break down the walls that i had, and i trusted him enough to let him in. at this point i really care about him. before we got serious, i had been planning a trip that would put me overseas for a few months. which he knew about, though the trip wasn't confirmed yet. things were progressing well. when i confirmed the trip (about 2.5 months into dating), he was disappointed, but remained supportive. he told me that he wanted to continue seeing me. he hinted that he did not want to see other people while i was gone. but i didn't try to push that conversation further. since then, we've continued seeing each other, but his pursuit has died down. i felt this was only natural. he expressed that he wanted me to take more of the initiative. i really have tried, however sometimes i am afraid of coming on too strong. recently we haven't been seeing each other as often. he says he'll call and he doesn't. sometimes i use this as an opportunity to take the initiative. other times i'll pull away and he'll get in touch with me. however, i am leaving very soon. and i am beginning to become hypersensitive -- taking the fact that he is still initiating less as a sign that he doesn't care as much. or that he was just leading me on until i leave. i feel like i need to get in touch with my emotions before i talk to him about it. they feel so high right now.. and i don't want to overreact. i know i'm the one who is leaving. i feel like either: the the ball is in my court to assure him how i feel about him. or he's just not feeling it anymore. any insight, or advice on how to approach this.. well appreciated Edited August 26, 2010 by sparks05
bobdole Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 When you didn't agree to not date other people - what would go through my mind is you plan to go do naughty things with the stereotypical sweet talking Frenchman or something. So... After 2.5+months of dating and not being exclusive on top of this - I'd lose interest in you as well
Author sparks05 Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 (edited) When you didn't agree to not date other people - what would go through my mind is you plan to go do naughty things with the stereotypical sweet talking Frenchman or something. So... After 2.5+months of dating and not being exclusive on top of this - I'd lose interest in you as well i avoid pursuing those conversations. even if i am completely sure that i want to be with someone. i still wait for them to flat out say it. it's a huge flaw. i will push myself to pony up if that's what i need to do. is it too late? Edited August 26, 2010 by sparks05
Stung Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 i avoid pursuing those conversations. even if i am completely sure that i want to be with someone. i still wait for them to flat out say it. it's a huge flaw. i will push myself to pony up if that's what i need to do. is it too late? Nobody here can tell you that. The only way you will know if it's too late is if you have the conversation with him and he says it's too late. It can be hard to initiate talks like that, but look at it this way: while the conversation could go either way, if you never have it he's almost certainly going to be just a memory.
Author sparks05 Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 Nobody here can tell you that. The only way you will know if it's too late is if you have the conversation with him and he says it's too late. It can be hard to initiate talks like that, but look at it this way: while the conversation could go either way, if you never have it he's almost certainly going to be just a memory. thank you for the advice. you're right, it is hard to initiate something like this. i am always finding ways to throw the ball back into the guy's court. so in this situation i feel rejected that he hasn't said something. but i guess i'm only fooling myself here... and i don't want to leave wondering what if. so this is what taking a chance is?
bobdole Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Honestly I've always had the girl bring it up first - generally asking "So what are we" or something similar. I can think of only one occurrence where I initiated "the talk" although I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to on this girl I'm dating now as well
Author sparks05 Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 Honestly I've always had the girl bring it up first - generally asking "So what are we" or something similar. I can think of only one occurrence where I initiated "the talk" although I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to on this girl I'm dating now as well just out of curiosity, what makes the difference between the two?
bobdole Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Nothing really. I don't mind bringing it up and prefer that I do because I KNOW that I'm ready at least. I've only had 1 occasion where she did and I didn't feel the same. The only thing I don't like about the woman bringing it up is that no one has ever just kind of smoothly segued into the conversation. She just blurts out something sharply abrasive and to the point out of no where. That's kind of a turn off to me.
that girl Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Being gone a few months is a challenge, but lots of people make it through that. The fact that he is pulling away is not a good sign. Maybe it is because he thinks you should bring up committment, but it could also be because he's losing interest. Ask him what his deal is.
Author sparks05 Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 just an update. i tried to "open up" the other day. i've come to realize i'm very passive aggressive about my feelings in dating/relationships, because i am afraid of rejection. or i'm afraid that they will see something they don't like an have a sudden change in feelings. didn't realize being passive aggressive could still get me to that end result, just in a slower, more painful process. back to when i tried to open up. i feel i did it in a typical girl way, where my feelings snowballed into a ridiculous text message. he was responsive, but until i sent a message including the word "feelings" he stopped responding. then he texts me the next day as if nothing had happened - even reconfirms our date in the same conversation. i'm a little confused by that.. i really wish i had approached this in a different manner, but there is no sense dwelling on it anymore. i'm wondering if i try again during our date, which would be in person. and probably less ridiculous. i really want to learn how to express myself the right way. even if for future relationships. i'm having a hard time with this.
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