Midwest_Mayhem Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 My boyfriend and I have been together just shy of 3 years. The first year of our relationship was long distance and then in Jan 2009 I moved out to New England and in with him. I didn't move solely for him - I was transferring universities as well. In June of 2009 he bought a condo and we've been there ever since...him working full time and me trying to finish school (he's 25 and I'm 22). We've had discussions about marriage and kids and whatnot and decided that we want both, but not for a while (especially the kids!). Then all of a sudden this past June I notice he's acting kinda funny. After continuously asking him what was wrong, he finally let everything out....he didn't know if he ever wanted to get married or have kids...and he didn't like the career field he was in, as a matter of fact he hated it. We had a very calm and rational discussion about his feelings and to sum it up he said he felt pressured into marriage and kids - didn't know if he'd ever want kids - that he wasn't sure what he wanted in the future. This was the first time he'd EVER said anything about not wanting a marriage or kids - I had no idea he was feeling that way. He had just been actively discussing the future and participating in conversations regarding marriage and kids - then outta no where he has a big meltdown. It took us a couple of weeks, but we agreed to wait it out and see where things were next year when I graduate and start looking for a job. I've dropped discussing the future, talking about marriage or kids in any way, shape or form and things this past month have actually been great...it's like we've rejuvinated our relationship; we feel stronger than ever. The other night, we were watching a movie before bed and I simply made a comment about him making a great father one day - not even thinking about the fact that I shouldn't be bringing that topic up. And his response was that he was really content with the dog and the cat that we have...they're like out children. I ended the conversation there, not wanting to get into another long discussion about the topic of kids...but I felt pretty down after that, because I know eventually that I do really want to have a family. I know that I'm only 22 and he's only 25 and we have plenty of time (I don't want kids until well into my 30's!) - but my question is whether I should stick around and see what happens - knowing that it's not likely that he'll change his mind about kids when I know I want them down the road, or do I get out now instead of investing another year or more for him to ultimately tell me that he doesn't want to have kids? He is truly the love of my life and I cannot imagine the rest of my life without him....help!
kickintheaz Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 Hey Op.. this obviously is tearing ya up a bit when ya should be concentrating on being a 22 yr old in a currently great relationship.. I can't tell you to stay or go, I don't think any of us can, what I can say is that I'm 33, at 25 I was in a long term relationship, and I absolutely 100% did not want kids or marriage, thankfully my g/f at the time didn't want them either... so end that LTR and enter another one, she really really wanted all this, (being 5 yrs older than me) and I thought I would too, but I had spent so long convincing myself I didn't with previous g/f that this eventually ended that LTR... now, where I am in life, I DEFFO want kids and marriage and I would love to find someone now who is similarly inclined.. so what am I saying? well what a guy wants at 25 is different to what he wants at 28, to 30, to 35, your guy might go the rest of his life not wanting them, or a switch may flip in his head in 2 or 5 years... its a toughie cos none of us know what the future holds... if this is a serious serious issue for you now though then you need to assess if its worth hanging round waiting to find out.. if this is just an OMG moment cos he suddenly came out with his current true feelings and you can get past it and worry about this issue in a few more years, then thats another option.. only you know your mind and only you can decide if its worth waiting to see, but based on how YOU feel, not on how someone else MAY think in the future.. if any of that makes sense...
atlnay Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 I am going to tell you what you already stated, you're only 22 & he is only 25, calm down that stage of you're life will be here before you know it. Take the time to finish your studies & give him a chance to find his career footing. Enjoy you're time as a young couple . He will mature in a few years & hopefully by then more seriously look at fatherhood. The only reason i dont say bail is, the likelihood of you meeting a guy in your age range that wants to be a dad & you feeling about the same way about him as your current guy, is pretty slim. Relax & keep having fun with him
AverageJoe Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 If you are not in a hurry to have kids why are you even bringing it up? That should be an afterthought at your age. In my opinion at your age (or his) you shouldnt even be in a relationship. This is one of the reasons you posted. You are too immature with absolutely no life experience or background to reflect on. we were watching a movie before bed and I simply made a comment about him making a great father one day I have had a girl say this exact thing to me before. Guess what? I bailed. I was OUT! Thats right, just because she said that. It should be very clear to you that he does not want kids right now, and I dont blame him one bit. Are you on birth control? I sure hope for his sake he is using condoms. I would really, really hate to hear that one day soon you tell him...honey we have to talk. I hope hope hope he is using condoms. He is a dumbass if he isnt.
kickintheaz Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 If you are not in a hurry to have kids why are you even bringing it up? That should be an afterthought at your age. In my opinion at your age (or his) you shouldnt even be in a relationship. This is one of the reasons you posted. You are too immature with absolutely no life experience or background to reflect on. I have had a girl say this exact thing to me before. Guess what? I bailed. I was OUT! Thats right, just because she said that. It should be very clear to you that he does not want kids right now, and I dont blame him one bit. Are you on birth control? I sure hope for his sake he is using condoms. I would really, really hate to hear that one day soon you tell him...honey we have to talk. I hope hope hope he is using condoms. He is a dumbass if he isnt. I have to say, whilst all opinions are valid, I think you're being a little hard on OP, its not like she is badgering him to have kids now... they had a chat, he went along with it, she thinks 'great' he's EVERYTHING I want.. back to study... and then out of the blue "I don't want kids".. fair enough they are young but people in their 20s deserve to be able to THINK about things like this, perhaps not necessarily act on them but she's a girl, and girls think of lots of things like this before us guys do. As to bailing when a girl said that to you, in fariness AvgJoe, I think thats your issue... its a throwaway comment implying you as a man perhaps have a paternal sense about you, she doesn't want you to make a baby with her right there. There are enough REAL red flags with nutcases that make ya wanna question whether a relationship with that person is viable or not without taking a compliment (as I would read it) and turning it into an issue that makes ya bail... not having a go btw and OP sorry for going off topic slightly, just pointing out, there are several ways to read a post like this.. and I think Op wants reassurance her boyf isn't some flake who's gonna string her along for 10 years and then still just want his PS3 instead of a nursery.... granted we can't give her a cast iron guarantee of that, but we can tell her that these things have a way of working themselves out and when she is ready to have those wee uns running around it'll be with the RIGHT man for her, whether thats this guy or not... I wouldn't worry about that now.. enjoy what you have and get college under your belt...
AverageJoe Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 As to bailing when a girl said that to you, in fariness AvgJoe, I think thats your issue... its a throwaway comment implying you as a man perhaps have a paternal sense about you, she doesn't want you to make a baby with her right there. Ever had a girl poke holes in your condom? I have. I wouldn't worry about that now.. enjoy what you have and get college under your belt... This I agree with %100. Your education should come first and foremost. Get your degree, hone your craft and get a career underway.
kickintheaz Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 Ever had a girl poke holes in your condom? I have. This I agree with %100. Your education should come first and foremost. Get your degree, hone your craft and get a career underway. had one stop taking the pill on the q/t... didn't cloud my thoughts of every girl I met since that one ended a long time laters other reasons... yup, education and see where life takes you, don't be worrying about things you yourself don't want to worry about for another decade!.. thats a loooong time!.. Good luck with whatever ya do on this OP.. and school...
Author Midwest_Mayhem Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 Thanks kickntheaz - all of your posts have made a lot of sense...I guess I really am just looking for reassurance. Like I've said before, I know I'm young and have a life to live before I settle down with kids...but it's exactly what you've said: I don't want to be strung along thinking everything is fine and we're on the same page when we're not. I think the most upsetting thing for me is not his view on having children, it's that I feel like he wasn't being honest with me during our MANY conversations on the topic. It made me feel that everything up to this point in regards to that topic was false....we were never really on the same page. And then I felt stupid that I was all excited about a future with him and he wasn't excited about one with me. On top of that, I felt hurt that he felt like he had to agree with me and go along with that I was saying....when clearly he didn't feel the same way. Does that make sense?
Author Midwest_Mayhem Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 I don't really see how that's any of your business....but yes, I have been since we met. I'm sorry to hear that you were with someone who was immature enough to poke holes in a condom, but all women aren't like that. I would never do something like that (or quit taking the pill and not tell him) because quite frankly, I don't want to have children with someone who doesn't want to be a father, period.
AverageJoe Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 I don't really see how that's any of your business....but yes, I have been since we met. Everything you posted was none of my business. Just checking, I have known it to happen more times than you may think. You want a baby. Some women see it as just needing a little push...just a little push. You know if you want to have a baby, and he doesnt. How about you get out of the relationship? Based on your orignal post, this is very important to you, otherwise you wouldnt have started it. Why would you take the risk you are going to alienate the guy you are with?
robdrm32 Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Ok at 24 I know that i'm rather mature for my age and can say that I want to EVENTUALLY get married and have kids, but if a 25 year old MAN doesn't know what he wants to do with his life down the road, i'd say don't count on him changing his mind. He may or may not change his mind, are you willing to risk all the time wasted? He's a grown man, if he doesn't know for sure what he wants out of life then you need to decide if your willing to wait and see. Sure stay with him have your fun, but don't expect it to go anywhere. I can understand if he doesn't want kids right now, because I don't right now either, but if he can't say that in 5-10 years whether or not he'd want to be a father then it's a potential waste of your time.
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