That darn gut

[phineas]

So, I’ve gone from friends to dateing a woman almost 2 weeks ago.

Since we talked & both agreed we wanted a relationship & would take things slow she has gone cold on me over night.

 

Doesn’t respond to texts, doesn’t return phone calls only seems to want to see me & contact me when it’s convenient for her.

 

We went to her friends wedding last sat night & she was keeping her distance. She didn’t want to dance & she wanted to leave early which was fine the wedding was small & people were leaving.

We got back to her place around 8:30 & she literally jumped out of the car, said good night & went into the house.

 

I assumed it was just her being cautious & trying to take things slow but now she seems like she’s avoiding me.

 

She called me yesterday morning & made it a point to tell me she was getting out early & going home to spend time with her kids. Which made my gut twinge. The pitch of her voice changed & I could tell she wasn’t being truthful the same way I could tell when my cheating wife was BSing me or any woman for that matter was lieing to me & i've always been spot on.

 

I asked her if she wanted to get the kids together to play because she always told me she liked spending time with me because she could have a social life & spend time with her kids.

 

But, she said she was feeling run down & a little sick & wanted to crash early (gut twinged again) but would call me later. She didn’t.

 

We had plans for today (Wed) & she cancelled them because she was taking her kids to the museum with her dad & then going back to his place for dinner. This didn’t make my gut twinge but I could tell she didn’t want me around for some reason.

 

Now were going to a wedding Friday. I half expect her to cancel.

Normally I’d just take a step back & see how she acts at the wedding & after but….

 

Another woman I periodically talk to called me the other night to say hi & asked how my divorce was going. I told her I signed papers last month & now she is texting / calling & asked me to a free concert last night.

It was last min. & I allready had plans & it was country. I don't like country. But I said i'd go to a rock concert or 80's band concert.

 

So now I’m wondering if it’s a total dick move to go out with this 2nd woman & not tell the 1st.

 

I haven’t even kissed the 1st. She won’t get close enough to me.

I’m starting to feel like the 1st only said she wanted to date me to keep me from dating other women because she's all of a sudden gotten "busy".

 

I’m not needy either. This is a woman I was just friends with for a while that went from being borderline annoying with the contact to little contact over night.

Also, she’s stopped asking about me & my life & just turned the last few calls into bitch sessions about her life. UGH.

 

I’m actually kind of annoyed she’s acting this way & feel like telling her if she doesn’t want to make time for me I’m going to find someone who does. But I don’t want to come off as an ass.

 

I think I’ll just go out with the 2nd woman & see what happens.

 

I can’t go back to being "just friends" with the 1st woman because I showed romantic interest & she reciprocated that interest.

She knew what she was doing & I know she wanted it to happen so if she gives me the "just friends" line i'm out of there because stable women don't pull that crap.

 

Also, I wonder if I’m over reacting due to me being new to dateing since my seperation & well, divorce (final papers signed & with courts).

 

I've taken on the attitude that I know what I want when it comes to women & if their not providing it i'm not wasting any more time on them & would prefer to just stay single.

I'm not asking for a lot here either I don't think.

 

 

Advice please.

[tman666]

In my opinion, you need to take a couple of big steps backwards. She knows that you're interested in a relationship. You've initiated attempts to get together with her, but she's not reciprocating, despite her expressing earlier that she wanted a relationship.

 

It's got to be a two way street. Stop trying to contact her for a week or two and see if she initiates contact. If not, you know that it wasn't in the cards.

 

Don't make a fool out of yourself by being too available.

[meerkat stew]

Write the first one off entirely for obvious reasons. Concentrate on the second. Try to add a couple more women into the mix and date all of them casually until a frontrunner emerges. Create a buyer's market for yourself.

[phineas]

I didn't think I was making myself too available.

We only did kid like activities together that I was going to do alone anyways.

 

We only went out once alone without kids that one night.

I just assumed we'd still do kid activities.

 

After our planned date friday night I plan on stepping back & letting her initiate.

I won't contact her until thursday to verify were still on for friday.

 

I also think i'm going to go out with this other woman also & see what she is about.

[tman666]

I also think i'm going to go out with this other woman also & see what she is about.

 

This is what I'd do...

[that girl]

You've only been dating this woman two weeks. Has she been distant the entire time or has it just been a couple of days?

 

I don't understand why, if it is bothering you so much, you haven't asked her what is going on.

[phineas]

You've only been dating this woman two weeks. Has she been distant the entire time or has it just been a couple of days?

 

I don't understand why, if it is bothering you so much, you haven't asked her what is going on.

 

The day after we made the jump from friends to dateing she went distant & has stayed distant.

 

Don't get it.

 

For some reason I thought the amount of contact we had would remain the same since it was mostly doing kid things.

Guess not.

 

I havn't asked her because I didn't think not doing anything last week was strange. It was when she told me yesterday morning that she was busy all this week that I noticed something was up.

 

Then last evening the other woman called & asked me to go to the concert.

 

I just wanted advice on whether I was making a jerk move by going out with another woman & was explaining the situation.

 

I havn't dated in about 8 yrs.

I really don't know what the hell i'm doing. LOL!

[tincanman99]

Back off and let her come to you. I dont think your gut is wrong. She has something going on. It could be she is scared, has other issues or just isnt to you.

 

99% of the time if you are paying attention you can tell when the other person is done. And based on what you said she is done.

 

Dont contact her anymore and leave her alone.

[reservoirdog1]

So now I’m wondering if it’s a total dick move to go out with this 2nd woman & not tell the 1st.

 

I haven’t even kissed the 1st. She won’t get close enough to me.

I’m starting to feel like the 1st only said she wanted to date me to keep me from dating other women because she's all of a sudden gotten "busy".

Generally I think it's a dick move to go out with somebody when you're in a relationship with somebody else. I usually say that you should end the relationship, and THEN date other people.

 

This may be the exception.

 

You haven't event kissed her yet, and she displays next to no interest in you. I'm having difficulty seeing how this even qualifies as a relationship, regardless of what the two of you said to each other two weeks ago.

 

I'm tempted to tell you to simply start dating this new woman. And if you do that, frankly, I wouldn't hold that against you in these circumstances.

 

If you want to be absolutely and completely above board, then first of all, stop contacting her for a week and see if she contacts you. If she doesn't, consider that your answer.

 

Or, send her a text message or email and tell her it's over between the two of you. That'll deal with it even quicker.

 

And finally... this is just me, but I would NEVER agree to be in a relationship with somebody if I hadn't slept with them first, let alone kissed them. Just my $0.02.

[phineas]

Perhaps I worded that wrong.

We did not agree to be in a relationship.

 

We agreed we were both looking for a relationship.

As in not a FWB situation or a fling or a hook up.

 

She is supposed to go to a wedding with me friday.

If I don't hear from her then I know.

If I do & she is still cold she is either not ready to date or is seeing someone else. I honestly can't believe she would pursue me if she wasn't ready to date.

 

She is hot. tight toned body. she's 38 & had two kids but you wouldn't know it. She has an ass like you wouldn't believe.

Guys hit on her all the time.

So yeah i'm sure she is exploring other options or she somehow after a yr of knowing me changed her mind over night & doesn't want to tell me.

 

Woman #2 asked me to meet her tonight for another free concert.

I'm going. She's hot also. But she wouldn't be calling me if PlentyofFish.com was working for her. LOL!

 

 

At 38 & in fairly good shape I think maybe i'm underestimating my value in the datein world.

Probably because i've droped 55lbs & just not used to the attention from women.

[caramel c]

You're a free man. As of now, its unclear where anything stands with #1. That gut feeling of yours is telling you something though. It might be that she changed her mind, and we can only speculate on the possible reason. This is how a woman acts when she changes her mind about you and will never tell you the truth about why. They dip out, act distant, give you excuses. Anything but tell you that you had bad breath (lol just kidding). It could be anything, and the reason may have nothing to do with you personally.

 

So, keeping your friday date is cool if you want to see how it goes. But if you want to go out with #2 I would go ahead if I were you.

 

Enjoy!

[flying]

Agree with what others have said...you haven't agreed to be exclusive or made any kind of commitment with woman #1, so I'd say you're free to date woman #2 without feeling like a jerk.

 

I do think the landscape changes somewhat if sex enters into it, in terms of being up front with anyone you're seeing. But that's not an issue at the moment anyway - so go to the concert and have fun!

[reservoirdog1]

Perhaps I worded that wrong.

We did not agree to be in a relationship.

 

We agreed we were both looking for a relationship.

As in not a FWB situation or a fling or a hook up.

 

She is supposed to go to a wedding with me friday.

If I don't hear from her then I know.

If I do & she is still cold she is either not ready to date or is seeing someone else. I honestly can't believe she would pursue me if she wasn't ready to date.

 

She is hot. tight toned body. she's 38 & had two kids but you wouldn't know it. She has an ass like you wouldn't believe.

Guys hit on her all the time.

So yeah i'm sure she is exploring other options or she somehow after a yr of knowing me changed her mind over night & doesn't want to tell me.

 

Woman #2 asked me to meet her tonight for another free concert.

I'm going. She's hot also. But she wouldn't be calling me if PlentyofFish.com was working for her. LOL!

 

 

At 38 & in fairly good shape I think maybe i'm underestimating my value in the datein world.

Probably because i've droped 55lbs & just not used to the attention from women.

Ahh... glad you clarified that. Then you'll be doing absolutely nothing wrong by getting together with woman #2. Rock on, I say! Have fun!

[phineas]

woman #1 called me while I was getting ready for concert. I let it go to VM.

2 hrs later she sends a text "hello?"

 

20 mins. later I respond with "hey, at concert"

her response "oh."

 

IMMEDIATELY!

 

She actually typed a period after oh.

 

Not once in the last 2 weeks has she responded that quickly. If she responds at all.

 

I now know she is trying to control the situation for one reason or another.

She's a very intelligent woman. Not sure I want to have to deal with that kind of power struggle.

 

I'm beginning to think she isn't as "scared" as she claims & holding back on purpose.

 

Woman # 2. good time. had a lot of fun. She's a trip. might be a little too wild for me. LOL! Gonna Rollerblade with her next week then grill something up at my place.

 

It's funny, woman #1 is hot. She has an ass that is just insanely amazing.

Woman #2 very beautiful also.

10 yrs ago these women wouldn't of even looked at me. Now at 38 their asking me out.

i'm not going to get cocky, but I think i've underestimated my market value.

I'm actually in a position where I can sit back & take my time to choose instead of just being grateful a woman likes me.

Edited August 26, 2010 by phineas

[caramel c]

woman #1 called me while I was getting ready for concert. I let it go to VM.

2 hrs later she sends a text "hello?"

 

20 mins. later I respond with "hey, at concert"

her response "oh."

 

IMMEDIATELY!

 

She actually typed a period after oh.

 

Not once in the last 2 weeks has she responded that quickly. If she responds at all.

 

I now know she is trying to control the situation for one reason or another.

She's a very intelligent woman. Not sure I want to have to deal with that kind of power struggle.

 

I'm beginning to think she isn't as "scared" as she claims & holding back on purpose.

 

Woman # 2. good time. had a lot of fun. She's a trip. might be a little too wild for me. LOL! Gonna Rollerblade with her next week then grill something up at my place.

 

It's funny, woman #1 is hot. She has an ass that is just insanely amazing.

Woman #2 very beautiful also.

10 yrs ago these women wouldn't of even looked at me. Now at 38 their asking me out.

i'm not going to get cocky, but I think i've underestimated my market value.

I'm actually in a position where I can sit back & take my time to choose instead of just being grateful a woman likes me.

 

Good for you! A good looking guy only gets better looking with age. Also, sometimes people just grow into themselves as they get older. I think I look way better now at 32 than I ever did at 22! #1 sounds like a project...

[phineas]

#1 called me today & started giving me attitude about how I blew her off.

And I told her I wasn't aware I was supposed to sit home & wait for her to call me.

 

She got pissed & gave me all kinds of excusses about being busy with work & kids (I have kids also) & how she doesn't have time.

 

Essentially it came down to me telling her I was out on a date & that i'm not going to wait around for her make time for me & if she is too busy to date she never should of crossed the line from friendship to dateing in the first place.

 

She got pissed at me. I told her I've been single for over a yr and want a GF. Someone to spend alone time with & if she doesn't want that i'll find someone that will.

 

Bottom line, she now knows I have options & if she wants a romantic relationship with me she needs to start showing it tonight as my romantic date to the wedding. If she does, I told her I won't date other women.

 

I probably sound like a complete jerk-wad but honestly I'm done wasting my time & energy on women that expect me to pay them special attention when they don't give me a reason to.

[irc333]

I probably sound like a complete jerk-wad

 

Well, sometimes you have to be a jerk-wad, esp. since she was a jerk-wad to you.

 

She's busy with her work and kids....tell her, "I'm busy with my work and kids, too!"

 

Basically, when people do that crap to you, you throw it identically back in their face.

 

It's funny, it's OKAY for them to do it to you, but when you do it to them.....it's NOT okay and considered rude.

 

I don't get people...

[phineas]

To be honest, I think I was too nice by accepting her "taking it slow".

So then she thought i'd just wait around for her.

 

What was amazing was when I told her "I have options & if she wants a romantic relationship with me she needs to start showing it tonight as my romantic date to the wedding. If she does, I told her I won't date other women."

 

The first thing she said was, "what time does the reception start"

[irc333]

I'm too old for "taking things slow"...forget it, it's either now or never. lol

 

 

To be honest, I think I was too nice by accepting her "taking it slow".

So then she thought i'd just wait around for her.

 

What was amazing was when I told her "I have options & if she wants a romantic relationship with me she needs to start showing it tonight as my romantic date to the wedding. If she does, I told her I won't date other women."

 

The first thing she said was, "what time does the reception start"

[Sanman]

Phineas,

 

Way to go! The shoe very much is on the other foot. While in your twenties, the women had many more options. Now, at 38, the shoe is very much on the other foot. A 38 year old man can more easily date a 28 year old woman than vice versa. These women would have to date guys into 40's and 50's. You aren't being a jerk wad, you are showing back bone. I may be ten years younger than you, but have learned that a woman can set the rules and you can beat her at her own game. When there are women that I like, I ask them to be exclusive. If they are not ready yet that is fine, but I flat out tell them that I won't be as giving as if I were their bf (no big gifts, no going out of my way to do things for them) and I ALWAYS have other women around to date. This lets them know that I will treat them with respect and affection, but I will not be walked over. It also lets her know that she can take her time deciding, but I may not be there when she finally makes up her mind. However, if she does something nice for me, I will treat her in kind.

 

Be very careful of woman #1 and do not immediately drop #2 if you like her. #1 may just put on an act until you cave again and then things will go back to normal. #2 may just be wild all the time at the beginning.

 

There are two ways to have a relationship. Either you are at war for power or you are willing to work together. #1 seems to want a war. I'm wondering if husband #1 left because he got tired of the power struggle.

[meerkat stew]

You are still begging with #1 though, "If you behave well tonight, I won't date other women?" Why give away the store? Why say anything at all? Point is once they know you have options, you don't have to say -anything-! Nothing you can say can shape her up faster than her own internal dialogue.

 

Just keep dating both of them, you are in the catbird seat, a place where most average women spend 90% of their dating life and most men spend 10%. Enjoy it. Add ANOTHER ONE into the mix even. Let them all fight over you and sit back and experience the same level of power and control in dating that the average woman has. It drives them crazy, they hate it, but they love it at the same time. Then after a couple of months of this, the best choice will out. Try not to sabotage your options until then with rushing to be exclusive.

[melodymatters]

Phineas,

 

Way to go! The shoe very much is on the other foot. While in your twenties, the women had many more options. Now, at 38, the shoe is very much on the other foot. A 38 year old man can more easily date a 28 year old woman than vice versa. These women would have to date guys into 40's and 50's. .

 

Um, thats highly innacurate in my experience.

 

Anyway, good for you Phineas ! Just don't get TOO cocky, I'm sure there are some sweet non game playing woman out there and I'd hate to see you treat them as this one has treated you. Two wrongs and all that... !

 

Let us know tomorrow how it went ! Interesting story !

[Sanman]

Um, thats highly innacurate in my experience.

 

Anyway, good for you Phineas ! Just don't get TOO cocky, I'm sure there are some sweet non game playing woman out there and I'd hate to see you treat them as this one has treated you. Two wrongs and all that... !

 

Let us know tomorrow how it went ! Interesting story !

 

 

Well, good for you. However, on average, I would venture to say that women are most in demand between 20-30 (maybe pushing to 35) and men are more in demand from 25-35 (maybe pushing to 40). Women are generally asked out based on looks and men for a mix of looks and power. This is when these things are at their peak. There are obviously exceptions, but I would say that his value in the dating world is significantly higher now than it was prior to his divorce (assuming that the person is not looking for a fling). This is especially true now that he is in better shape.

[Star Gazer]

I'm actually in a position where I can sit back & take my time to choose instead of just being grateful a woman likes me.

 

This is the key to dating. To figuring out what YOU want and who fits what YOU want, i.e., "Do I like this person?" rather than "OMG do they like me?"

[phineas]

Um, thats highly innacurate in my experience.

 

Anyway, good for you Phineas ! Just don't get TOO cocky, I'm sure there are some sweet non game playing woman out there and I'd hate to see you treat them as this one has treated you. Two wrongs and all that... !

 

Let us know tomorrow how it went ! Interesting story !

 

I am not cocky. These woman are still in much better shape than me in terms of fat on their bodies & I still have a little pouch & love handles however i don't have the creeping gut.

 

However, i've got some good muscle on my frame so it will all dial in I think in a month or 2.

 

Also, I would never pretend to commit to a woman to just have sex with her or sleep with two women at once. that isn't me.

 

So it got interesting. Woman #2, i don't think i mentioned works in my building. We are not co-workers & like the 300 odd women in my company I don't work with them. I just occasionally do work in their area, talk with them for a little bit & then they ask me to join their department for happy hour.

 

I brought woman #2 a coffee the other day & people noticed. Including her manager. Well it turns out her manager is related to my cousins new husband so I ran into him at the wedding with woman #1 tow. I introduced them to each other.

He had this little smirk on his face the whole time. LOL!

 

Anyways woman #1 called me while she was on her way to see if I left without her. (she's got a good sense of humor) but she was a little standoffish filing her nails while I was figuring out how to tie my tie.

I acted like I didn't notice.

 

She got better at the wedding & actually paid attention to me & acted like she had a good time. she enjoyed herself, faced me & was touching my leg with her under the table.

I offered to get her a new drink & she said something along the lines of me being her date so i'm supposed to. same with the cheese & crackers then smiled at me because she was being a smart ass.

 

I got her back to my place & she got into her car & sat down. I stayed a few feet away & we chatted then I went in. Didn't really feel like going for the kiss.

She called a little later on her way home to talk & thank me for the evening & inquire when I was free again & i'm basically booked this weekend & next.

 

She did try to find out what band I saw & who I went with. I told her I forgot the name of the band as they were a cover band & that I didn't go with anyone, but I met some women from work & one of them had invited me but I didn't tell her anymore.

 

As meerkat said, she knows i'm not going to exclusive until she agrees to exclusive so i'm just going to hang with whomever is available to me for now.

 

woman#1 is very independent & is on equal levels as me in terms of career & income. possibly higher. She has a problem with attracting jerks that pretend to be nice guys so I know she is cautious but it doesn't mean she can expect me to available to her when she wants me too.

 

I'm going rollerblading with woman #2 next week. She is kind of a party girl. Actively online dating & a little flaky. she's 37 never married no kids makes about the same as my ex-wife & not what i'd consider long term material. I know she's looking for someone with more money than me to settle down with & calls me "friend". A friend she grinds on at a concert. LOL!

 

She might just want to bang or she likes the attention. don't care really. the important thing is I'm getting experience interacting with women on a non-friendship level & i'm not spending any real money on them.

 

shocker, woman # 1 called me this morning to talk & asked me what BBQ I was going too today and all of sudden wanted to talk about me & what I was doing this weekend & said she would be home tonight if I wanted to call.