4givrnt4gtr Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 So Ive been with my guy for 5 months now. The problem though is that although he treats me so well, is sweet and loving and basically is for the most part everything I want, I still am haunted by his past. When he was younger my guy did quite a bit of drugs and dealings and such. All that on top of having a lot of traumatic experiences which left him quite insecured and paranoid. Ive known this from the get go...and most of the time it doesnt bother me at all. Sure he still gets the "that guy is looking at me funny" moments, and other random stuff, but for the most part he is really awesome. Awesome to the point that we've discussed getting married in the distant future. There are times Im so excited and grateful to be with such a good hearted and strong man that I cant believe my luck (specially listening to the horror stories my single girlfriends tell me). He managed to get sober, put himself through school, work in hollywood for a while, went back to get a masters degree and now is thinking on pursuing a doctorate degree. Thats just the career stuff. He also cares for his mother (who unfortunately caused a lot of his grief) and tends to take care of the world if need be. Treats me like a princess, adores me to no end, loves my family and is dying to have a family with me. But then I think about his past, and how although he is so far from all that now, he still struggling with memories and left over anger from those years. Most of the time its like a cloud that comes over him for a couple of hours and then dissipates, but it still makes me wonder. What would it be to live with a man with so much pain in his past. This pain has left him a bit socially awkward, and its quite obvious something happened to him. Even my mom said that when she met him she could tell this man lives in a world of pain. He constantly tells me being with me has helped him move forward even faster, that he is so grateful for my patience and that he is has been the happiest he's been since he was a child. Part of me wants to hold on as tight as possible. I love this man and want nothing more than to stand by his side as he keeps working on overcoming his demons. The other side of me makes me think about what type of a life would be if we were to have a child....could he handle it? could we actually be ok together after all? So confusing. Although I mostly know I wont leave him because I love him too much. I just want to figure out a way to be ok with his past and his struggle to be ok emotionally. Any takes?
carhill Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 How does bipolar fit into this? You sound like you're of two minds wrt your love for him, but that really has no relevance to the mental disorder. If he's bipolar, is he taking his meds and attending counseling?
sugarmomma Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 What Carhill said. Also its only been 5 months and you sounds really invested already. I would slow it down. How old is he? How long has he been sober? Does he attend 12 step meeting or counseling?
LoveLace Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 If he went through intense recovery, I'm sure he's done some professional therapy already, but perhaps it should be an ongoing regular task...kind of like AA is supposed to be. But it sounds like you are fairly accepting of his periodic struggles, and I think this acceptance and understanding is key. However if the issue is big enough that you think it could interfere with a healthy life together, maybe try and talk with him about that. But yes addicts are addicts for LIFE, as they say. So struggles here and there don't truly ever go away, from what I know. A small piece of them is and always will be that addict...it's how they deal with it that counts. It sounds to me like he has dealt very, very well, but you are the one there to witness his off-behavior and judge if he's really right for you.
carhill Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 Reading back through the OP's posts, the man's mother is mentally ill and she repeatedly reported being anxious because he was 'moving so fast' wrt their relationship and, at one point, she wanted to break it off due to certain behaviors he was exhibiting. I'm still about the bipolar thing, but can indicate, with recent experience with a known bi-polar, I saw a lot of those same behaviors with his 'new' girlfriend over a period of 2-3 months. Way over the top romance and intensity. I think he's already living with her a couple months now and they've only known each other as long as the OP and her guy have been dating. He also has a real problem with drinking, like there's no shut-off switch. He's got about 20 years on the OP's boyfriend and a relatively similar family history to what I read in her past posts. Anyway, take a breath. Life isn't a whirlwind. Healthy love should be calming and peaceful, as well as passionate.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted August 25, 2010 Author Posted August 25, 2010 You know what guys Im sorry I totally just misused the bipolar bit. Kinda stole it from Katy Parry's (sp) song. I meant that I feel like I go from totally loving and dreaming of a life with my boyfriend, to feeling like it just never going to work out. In any case, he's been sober for almost 10 years now. He is extremely self aware and we often discuss what made him hit such low lows. His use was mostly because of the death of his father when he was very young and the neglect of his mother. He used all through his teenage years until he was 20, which was when he decided he had to get his life together, went to school and all that. He did attend AA and NA plus did therapy for a while. As a matter of fact he currently is a therapist himself. What he struggles most is not with drugs or alcohol but with the sadness that he feels because his mother is so off and has hold him back from creating his own life. Right now he is making the tough decision to leave her despite her threats and do what he wants to do for himself. He himself doesn't have a full blown mental disorder but unfortunately leading with him mother has left some communication and attachment issues. This sometimes worries me but he is often able to calm me down by acknowledging some of his interactions aren't completely "normal" and has to watch what he does. I think that's the reason why I have hope, because he is able to stop himself and say...yeah that was kinda crazy. Still I just wish I could always just keep that hope and stop looking back with fear..... But I hear you all, and thank you for answering. I will do my best to stop putting pressure on myself and our relationship. Hopefully things become clearer as time goes by.
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