Dating outside of your type?

[good_vibes]

I recently read a book by Dr. Henry Cloud, "How to Get a Date Worth Keeping." Although too Christian oriented for my tastes overall, I felt a number of points were valid.

 

One in particular was that it said you need to date a number of people, including those out of the normal "type" you traditionally have picked, in order to find the right one. It says this is true especially if you have a history of picking the WRONG guys. Which is definitely true of my history.

 

Do you agree with this? If so, how far out of your type/comfort zone do you go?

 

It makes sense, because if you've been selecting the wrong guys, maybe your "type" isn't so great for you. But part of the difficulty for me is, I feel like you're just attracted to who you're attracted to, and I don't know that can be faked or more like, generated, with someone else??

[USMCHokie]

I never really had the opportunity or privilege to date a variety of "types"...I date women who are willing to date me...

 

But I agree to some extent that you need to date a variety of people before you settle down in a relationship...however, I don't feel that you need to search specific types of people out just to date and experiment...if it happens, be open to it, but you don't necessarily need to go out of your way to find them...

[caramel c]

Dating outside of your 'type' can actually help you get to know yourself a little bit better. I don't see anything wrong with it. You never know who might really impress you when you get to know them better.

[Feelin Frisky]

I'm pretty much on Hokie's team. But no homo.

[Woggle]

The better idea is to take some time to yourself to figure out why you are attracted to men who are no good for you? What draws you to these guys? If you try dating outside of youtr type you will only leave a trail of broken hearts when you just don't feel the spark with any of these wonderful guys.

[good_vibes]

I have taken time out for myself than probably anyone I know. I've read books. I've even seen a counselor. IF you want the honest truth, after one of the worst relationships I've ever had, my ex- stalked me and then after almost a year of that I got a restraining order. Yeah, it was bad. Sadly, he wasn't the first one I dated that was like that, but he was the worst. For a long time after, I did NOT want to date anyone ever again. But now I suppose I am willing to try, but to do it learning from past mistakes.

 

Most of the research etc that I did seems to point that we are the most comfortable with what is familiar, even if what is familiar isn't what's best.

 

The good part of all this is now I can spot signs for the ones that are potentially not so good, whereas before I wouldn't have been able to or blown it off.

 

So I agree with dating all types of people but at the same time, as I said, it seems like you are attracted to who you are attracted to, and in some cases if I went for something else, I feel like I would be "settling".

 

I don't have many strict "rules" that I can go outside of anyway. One is that I don't date cops, from previous experience. I don't really date guys with kids, because I'm not really a kids type of person.

 

Maybe I just don't get what "outside of your type" really means??

[Woggle]

What exactly is your type?

[good_vibes]

I haven't dated in so long I almost don't even know anymore. If I had to describe my ideal guy based on previous experience, I would say tall, good looking, great sense of humor, successful at whatever his career is, somewhat romantic. I don't think that is that different than what most women would go for.

 

For some reason that I could never figure out most everyone I dated was an alcoholic or former alcoholic or drug abuser. I later found out that is a pattern when there was someone in your household like that when you were growing up. With each person you date who is like that as well, the pattern grows stronger.

 

So now I don't really want to date anyone who drinks (I don't drink at all) - I guess that is one way I am going outside my type. Not that I in particular wanted a guy who drank before but I never paid attention to it. Now I do.

 

I also tended to date guys who were "really fun" but then sometimes they just didn't know where the "fun" (i.e. partying, other women, etc) needed to end.

 

I also tend to date guys who are really pursuers - I was brought up very old fashioned, i.e., I don't call guys, approach guys, ask them out, etc. But then I guess some guys take the "pursuing" to an extreme and don't know where to stop. So I need to look at patterns of controlling behavior.

 

I think a big problem for me in the past too was that I really didn't ever want to get married and was scared of longer term relationships because I had always gotten hurt in them. So then I think you just attract short-term people into your life and they tend to be losers too. So this time around I guess I would be looking for someone who was interested in a long term relationship eventually. That will be hard because as I've said in other posts, I want to move from this town eventually.

 

I had some issues with my family so I never really cared if a guy had issues with his or maybe I was attracted to that because "we understood each other." My issues with my family have now long since been resolved... we are fairly close now, so if I meet a guy who says one of their parents is a @#$@$ that is a warning sign to me, too.

 

I also now look at how a guy treats other people, or if he takes any small digs at me (even jokingly) early on - as these tend to get worse. Again I didn't really take note of these things in the past.

 

So I guess there are some changes in the "type" of what I am looking for when I look at the situation overall...

 

I guess I was talking about as far as looks etc, too. I don't know if that's what is meant by "dating outside your type" as well.

[USMCHokie]

I haven't dated in so long I almost don't even know anymore. If I had to describe my ideal guy based on previous experience, I would say tall, good looking, great sense of humor, successful at whatever his career is, somewhat romantic. I don't think that is that different than what most women would go for.

 

I guess I was talking about as far as looks etc, too. I don't know if that's what is meant by "dating outside your type" as well.

 

I see the issue is that your type is based almost solely on looks...you aren't going to get very far with that...so if you've always judged a guy based on his physical appearance, then you really won't have much of a clue what kind of personality you'd want in a guy...it seems you created an artificial compatibility with the guy just because he was good looking...young people tend to form and force relationships based on that...

[good_vibes]

I have not always dated just good looking guys (and I'm not that young either, I'm 37). I am good looking (not trying to be conceited, let's just be real here, I'm not saying I am a super model either), so I tend to attract decent looking guys.

 

I have in the past dated guys who were not as attractive and my friends ask why I am even dating him and I tell them the honest truth, because he makes me laugh or because of the way he treats me, etc. But they tend to not approach me or ask me out because I guess they probably think I am out of their league.

 

The statement was for my ideal guy and who would not want someone good looking if they could choose their ideal type. Good looking is relative to a person too, some people like blonds, some like brown eyes, etc I don't really care as long as he is attractive to me. I think my friends would all tell you I've probably one of the LEAST superficial people they know.

 

I also listed great sense of humor, successful at whatever his choice of career, and romantic don't have anything to do with looks.

 

If you want the more I would say adventurous, sporty, likes to travel internationally, fairly outgoing, generous, intelligent, nobody hugely right wing or religious, I could go on indefinitely. But there isn't an "ideal person" anyway.