PlumPudding Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I know I've posted a lot on here, but I really appreciate what you guys have to say and every time I ask a question, it seems I have another . . . ha, isn't that the way everything works. . . So, my first boyfriend broke up with me around 2 months ago. We'd been together for 9 months (his longest relationship except for one he was miserable in) and we're both 20. When we broke up (over facebook chat, no less) he said he really, really needed me to be a friend to him since he still needed me in his life. So I said I would, and that I was okay with it, I just needed some time. I sent him a message last month saying everything was fine, I agreed with the breakup, so on. So now school started today. Yesterday was a band meeting, and since we have the same major, we're going to see each other every day. But anyway, the band meeting. He was going up to every girl that crossed his path and asked them tons of questions and always ended the conversation by giving out his name so they could add him on facebook. I only noticed because he asked me to play frisbee with him and this group and so I joined just a ways from him and so couldn't miss it. He ended up not playing frisbee much, haha. He gave me a ride home since I didn't have a ride and no one else really was left at the meeting for me to ask. There was conversation, but he was totally stone-faced. Then today when we passed in the hall I gave him a wave and a smile but when he waved back I could tell he was really uncomfortable. He even tried to avoid me. After band rehearsal he initiated some talk but he was really, really awkward, which is unlike him since he's Mr. Social, and then once he turned around, he started cracking jokes and laughing with someone else, but I don't get why he's so weird around me! Is he trying to tell me he doesn't want even to be friends anymore? We were best friends, he even said so, just that our futures didn't meet up. What do you suggest I do? Or at least, what does the situation look like in your eyes?
Sonolumino Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 He definitely still has feelings for you, or else he wouldn't be acting this way. It's kind of immature how he's acting about it, but feelings for a person love to overpower the logic centers in people's brains. My advice is to stay away for now, act normally. Let him sort this out on his own, and wait till he starts acting like more of an adult. You can't be friends with him right now.
USMCHokie Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 When we broke up (over facebook chat, no less) he said he really, really needed me to be a friend to him since he still needed me in his life. So I said I would, and that I was okay with it, I just needed some time. I sent him a message last month saying everything was fine, I agreed with the breakup, so on. This here is SUCH horsesh*t...talk about a selfish piece of crap...he thinks that he can still have you in his life the way he wants you but he refuses to be in your life the way you want him...I don't know how or why you accept such terms... From an outside perspective, it's clear that he wants you around but is looking for some strange...don't be his friend...you don't need someone like that in your life...it's irrelevant whether he has feelings for you or not...he gave you that line that your "futures didn't meet up"...really...? Then he doesn't deserve you at all in his "future"...whether it's as a friend or a girlfriend...move on...
Author PlumPudding Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 He definitely still has feelings for you, or else he wouldn't be acting this way. It's kind of immature how he's acting about it, but feelings for a person love to overpower the logic centers in people's brains. My advice is to stay away for now, act normally. Let him sort this out on his own, and wait till he starts acting like more of an adult. You can't be friends with him right now. Ah, okay. Thanks for the advice. I thought his actions were telling me he really didn't even want to be friends. I've been acting normally but staying away's going to be hard because of our major . . . haha I don't want to make it seem like I am trying to avoid him or anything. This here is SUCH horsesh*t...talk about a selfish piece of crapI don't know how or why you accept such terms... Haha, well we were friends before the relationship and after the breakup he began acting like someone I was not at ALL attracted to. So I thought, reverting back to just friends like it was before would be really nice. When he was talking to me once if I needed him to just be a friend for me (a lot of bad and stressful things have been going on in my life--and this was a couple weeks before the breakup) and he would do that. He said he would still help me out in classes, and still listen to me whenever I needed help, but obviously, now that we're actually broken up this seems like something that's rather impossible.
Author PlumPudding Posted August 25, 2010 Author Posted August 25, 2010 Whoa whoa . . . okay so I just logged into facebook and my ex popped up in chat . . . asking for my PERMISSION to ask someone out?! What the heck does that mean?? He said "It's cool with you if I date other people right?" I said "Well . . . I thought we broke up. Is it not supposed to be?" and he answered, "well it is, I just figured if I asked someone out better to make sure it doesn't upset you If that makes sense? I guess I'd just rather you found out from me instead of facebook or someone else Ya know? I just dont want any bad blood between us for anything" Do people normally do this?! Is he trying to rub it in my face or something? I said again I was fine with the break up and he said "yeah but people don't always say what they mean." I had to reaffirm this again. Arg, he still thinks I'm in it for him or something? I'm so confused!!
Sonolumino Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 Well this guy is incredibly immature. Men like to feel admired. They like to feel superior, in control, and liked for their abilities. With an immature guy, when their "admiration" is taken away, they try to use any means to get it back. This includes acting like a complete jackass. So one of two things is going on. One, he still has feelings for you, and knows that since he's attracted you before, he can try it again. In his twisted little mind, him "asking you permission" to date another person is just his way of trying to make you jealous. He thinks that if there's an impending sense of "you losing him" that you'll come back, or at least give him some sort admiration that he so desperately desires. If he was really over you, he wouldn't need to ask that question. People look out for themselves and their own well-being first, so that whole "I wanted you to hear it from me first" is not an altruistic move, it's only a facade that he's using to cover his selfish action (trying to make you jealous). Or two, he has no idea what he's feeling, but he does know he can get a reaction out of you, which is good enough for him. In any of these two cases YOU CANNOT BE FRIENDS WITH HIM RIGHT NOW. Let him get this crap out of his system, let him grow up, and then you can pursue a platonic relationship if you want. I know you want to be friends because you probably shared something special with this guy, but it takes two to be in a relationship (platonic or otherwise). Even though you may have your head on your shoulders, he obviously doesn't. For the sake of your own sanity and well-being, stay away for now.
Author PlumPudding Posted August 25, 2010 Author Posted August 25, 2010 Well this guy is incredibly immature. Men like to feel admired. They like to feel superior, in control, and liked for their abilities. With an immature guy, when their "admiration" is taken away, they try to use any means to get it back. This includes acting like a complete jackass. So one of two things is going on. One, he still has feelings for you, and knows that since he's attracted you before, he can try it again. In his twisted little mind, him "asking you permission" to date another person is just his way of trying to make you jealous. He thinks that if there's an impending sense of "you losing him" that you'll come back, or at least give him some sort admiration that he so desperately desires. If he was really over you, he wouldn't need to ask that question. People look out for themselves and their own well-being first, so that whole "I wanted you to hear it from me first" is not an altruistic move, it's only a facade that he's using to cover his selfish action (trying to make you jealous). Or two, he has no idea what he's feeling, but he does know he can get a reaction out of you, which is good enough for him. In any of these two cases YOU CANNOT BE FRIENDS WITH HIM RIGHT NOW. Let him get this crap out of his system, let him grow up, and then you can pursue a platonic relationship if you want. I know you want to be friends because you probably shared something special with this guy, but it takes two to be in a relationship (platonic or otherwise). Even though you may have your head on your shoulders, he obviously doesn't. For the sake of your own sanity and well-being, stay away for now. Haha, honestly I didn't think he said it just to be nice. He perceived my value to be fairly low at the end of the relationship--he even got angry at me once when I told him I thought about getting a tattoo because he thought I was getting it just to impress him, even after I explained the personal meaning behind it. And he was serious about it too, he's REALLY pursuing this girl I sit close by in band. And the reaction I gave was that he can do whatever, I'm fine with it. And I'll try to stay away from him as much as I can given our major.
EthanH Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 ok before I answer, I want to ask, is this bothering you? I mean, do you still wish he were more than a friend...or are you fine with it all?
Author PlumPudding Posted August 25, 2010 Author Posted August 25, 2010 ok before I answer, I want to ask, is this bothering you? I mean, do you still wish he were more than a friend...or are you fine with it all? Haha, legit question. The thing is, in the current day, no I don't want him more as a friend. He is absolutely void of most of the qualities I fell for him now. I'd just like to be buds and hang out like we used to (before we were ever in a relationship--and I know that might be a ways yet and work in progress), but at least not be totally awkward and weird around each other. I am over the breakup and I don't want him back. What I'm not QUITE over is the memory of who he was before summer break. But that's something that will heal over time.
EthanH Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 Haha, legit question. The thing is, in the current day, no I don't want him more as a friend. He is absolutely void of most of the qualities I fell for him now. I'd just like to be buds and hang out like we used to (before we were ever in a relationship--and I know that might be a ways yet and work in progress), but at least not be totally awkward and weird around each other. I am over the breakup and I don't want him back. What I'm not QUITE over is the memory of who he was before summer break. But that's something that will heal over time. See I'm really confused. Why does any of this bother you if you are kinda over him? Are you just unsure what he is doing? Thing is, after relationships, people act weirdly, I'm sure in many ways if he 'perceived (your) value to be fairly low at the end of the relationship'...and now sees that you are kinda over him, it might throw him, even if he has no idea why. Thing is, even if you are both over each other, I think often people assume things are ok too quickly. If I was you, I would still try and steer clear of him for a while. He might be a great friend, but it's too complicated, at least now. What do you think?
Nappeal Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 Plum...he still cares about you enough to worry about your feelings in terms of him dating other people. I think he was genuine in asking if he could date others. But... I don't believe for a moment that you both could go back to being 'buds' like you want. You thought you both could have a relationship, but that didn't work-there's now too much bad between you that will make it impossible to go back to your old friendship. You would be miserable. I think it would be best if you let that hope go.
Author PlumPudding Posted August 25, 2010 Author Posted August 25, 2010 See I'm really confused. Why does any of this bother you if you are kinda over him? Are you just unsure what he is doing? Thing is, after relationships, people act weirdly, I'm sure in many ways if he 'perceived (your) value to be fairly low at the end of the relationship'...and now sees that you are kinda over him, it might throw him, even if he has no idea why. Thing is, even if you are both over each other, I think often people assume things are ok too quickly. If I was you, I would still try and steer clear of him for a while. He might be a great friend, but it's too complicated, at least now. What do you think? It bothers me because I still want to remain friends, I just don't want to be in a relationship with him. I'm confused as to why he has been uncomfortable around me--if that means he'd rather not have any association with me at all or what. Haha, well okay, I hear you about assuming too quickly. I just feel like this kind of awkwardness is mostly in the mind. If you decide it's not awkward, it isn't. Like those silences, for one person it could be super awkward but not for the other if they're okay with it. I'll try to steer clear--I've been trying today; I just don't want to seem like I'm avoiding him either. We run into each other a lot.
Author PlumPudding Posted August 25, 2010 Author Posted August 25, 2010 I don't believe for a moment that you both could go back to being 'buds' like you want. You thought you both could have a relationship, but that didn't work-there's now too much bad between you that will make it impossible to go back to your old friendship. You would be miserable. I think it would be best if you let that hope go. Hm. I guess the reason our relationship ended was because he wanted children and I may not be able to have any. That and that right now babies kind of freak me out. It wasn't one person hurting the other or any foul play or anything. Just knowing that we wouldn't be happy as a married couple. I guess I might have to let the hope go, but what irks me about it is that the way my mind works is different from many in that if I accept it's over, I accept what happened, it won't have to be awkward or upsetting. It's the whole mindset dealio. Maybe that's just something I have to understand about others . . maybe what I'm saying right now doesn't make sense, haha. Sorry, I get carried away sometimes.
Author PlumPudding Posted August 27, 2010 Author Posted August 27, 2010 Okay . . . really. Soo, he's never talked to me in person really without me saying anything or without him being super awkward, until today. This morning, I was walking in the music building and he came up from behind me somewhere and asked how I was. I said great and he said he was soooo tired because he stayed up till 5:30 last night. I said well why?? Because in all the time I've known him, he NEVER EVER wanted to stay up that late on a school night and he foundered and stumbled, saying, "Well, uh. Well, yeah. Well I just had like 2 hours of sleep, so I'm really tired." And then I again was walking by these benches and he called me over to him. He was cuddling up with the girl he'd been chasing (and they conveniently placed a potted tree in front of them) and said "Hey have you met ---?" I said I have, and he said "You guys would be really good friends. I know you guys would be like best friends, she's really great." Blargh, how do I try to stay away from all of this without seeming rude or like I'm avoiding him?? It's like he's TRYING to make me feel uncomfortable or get a reaction out of me.
lilyy.12 Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 yes he does have sum feelings but its not good to assumer he still likes you but if you want to find out i suggest you just.act like nothing happend talk to guys,friends,go out ppl will obviosuly tell him and if he feels that you are drifting away he will try to talk to you again & if he doesnt then he just didnt want to be friends with you
Sonolumino Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 And he was serious about it too, he's REALLY pursuing this girl I sit close by in band. He is really serious about pursuing someone else, that fact isn't in dispute. But, "asking your permission" after it's been a little while after the break up screams unresolved feelings. I think he wants his cake and wants to eat it too per se, because there's really no other reason why he'd say that to you. Plus the whole "people don't always say what they mean" thing, he was just fishing to see if you still had any feelings toward him. This entire thing was probably designed to give him an ego boost.
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