Taking a break from my beautiful boyfriend

[weeble78]

Hello all you lovely LSers,

 

Yesterday I told my BF (whom I am very much in love with) that I want some space because I've been unhappy for the last few weeks and need time to think.

 

He is devastated, but is giving me space.

 

The things I have been unsure/unhappy about are:

1. Him walking out on his job three months ago. I have supported him and encouraged him by helping with his CV and suggesting a voluntary work position I found out about.

2. Since losing the job he has sat around at home smoking weed/sleeping/watching tv. I did not think he would ever do something like this, he said he'd take a few weeks off work to 'chill' and I believed he'd get bored.

3. He compares me to his ex-girlfriend with whom he split 4 years ago. I feel he has her on a pedestal, and he compares me as being better than her, but even on holiday, she was mentioned. At a recent wedding he was discussing with a friend he hadn't seen for years, that he thought he'd never been 'in love' with her, just that he loved her.

4. I feel he has changed since smoking all the drugs - that our relationship has stopped growing as much since he walked out of his job.

 

The ways in which I feel I've contributed to issues between us:

1. Stemming from anxiety and a desire to communicate I have sometimes overreacted at mistakes he has made (nothing really bad like cheating on me or hurting me). I believe this has made him feel like sometimes he's on eggshells and that he tries to avoid messing up in case I make a massive deal out of it. I told him I will take this on board, and I have changed how I react to him. I guess this has made him feel a little insecure, that I pull back over every little problem.

 

So, we agreed to take a week or two to think about these issues. We had a big chat the other day previously, and he told me he has been feeling depressed, hence not getting motivated to look for another job. Also that a recent diagnosis of a back problem perhaps necessitating surgery, has made him feel down.

 

Another issue is we decided to move in together, but only when he gets a job. Part of me feels he is using the not having a job to avoid moving in together.

 

Now I have told him that I don't expect a man to change for me, to be what I want him to be. I've said it's my job to improve on myself, and to be happy being with him and not demand anything from him. He should be able to be himself.

 

Problem is, he has changed over the last three months - we've been together nine. And I don't like the new him. I want a boyfriend with a job, who has passions and enthusiasms he wants to follow. I want to go travelling and try out new things - see the world, meet new people!

 

The other problem is I love him very deeply and we can communicate well about matters like this.

 

Today I feel that I know how I feel about him and should maybe work on being more supportive by being more consistent with him, be stronger for him as maybe he needs that right now. But I am scared that things won't change wiht his job etc, and I'll end up with a stoner boyfriend who doesn't want to work.

 

Am I being selfish? Am I being too careful?

 

If anyone has the will to read everything I've written and comment that would be fantastic. As always, the advice I've received on here has been invaluable.

 

Thanks xx

[reservoirdog1]

Two things: (1) I'm not surprised you're feeling selfish about this, and (2) I understand your motivation completely.

 

I'd feel selfish in your position as well, but that doesn't mean you aren't justified in wanting the break. Yes, your BF may be depressed for a few reasons, but he certainly isn't helping his situation by smoking weed all the time. Weed definitely tends to sap one's ambition. It also tends to amplify and intensify whatever you're already feeling; if you're already somewhat depressed, it makes it worse. So you smoke more to numb that out, and it keeps you feeling like crap. He needs to take some responsibility for his situation. Easier said than done, perhaps, but it's true.

 

I don't think you should be in any hurry to move in with him in his present state. In a way, he's doing you a favour by not demonstrating a lot of commitment to that goal. If you move in with him now, or the moment he gets a job (when it could still fall apart if he can't perform well in it), you'll be on the hook for all the rent and you'll feel even MORE guilty if you have to break up with him at that point, because he'll have no source of support.

 

You have things you want in a partner, and things you want to accomplish in your life. Your level of concern and care for him is admirable, and when you love somebody you should be willing to make SOME sacrifices. But you should NOT have to give up the things that are really important to you, for somebody else. That's a ticket to your own misery.

 

You only have one shot at life... better make sure you're going through it with a partner who's right for you. A partner should encourage your dreams and ambitions and make you a better, happier person by being with them -- not hold you back.

Edited August 23, 2010 by reservoirdog1

[weeble78]

Thanks for your considered opinion reservoirdog1, are you saying that perhaps he's not the right partner for me? That is a question I have posed myself recently but he seems absolutely convinced we are soulmates and I truly have never felt this way about anybody before.

 

I feel I have two choices here: 1) walk away from him for good and hope he meets somebody who is sufficient to motivate him to do what he wants with his life and makes him happy enough to lift him out of depression, or 2) sweep him back into my arms and try and support him by getting him out of the house and involved in outside projects, and try to lift his self esteem.

 

What do you think?

[weeble78]

Ps I am missing him like absolute crazy..

[meerkat stew]

How do you know that all he does is sit around smoking weed and watching TV? Does he tell you that? How much weed is he smoking? Is he actively looking for a new job?

 

Sorry to say, there seems to be slant in your OP to the point I wonder what is really going on here. Is there someone else in your life or a desire to look into other available options?

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks for your considered opinion reservoirdog1, are you saying that perhaps he's not the right partner for me? That is a question I have posed myself recently but he seems absolutely convinced we are soulmates and I truly have never felt this way about anybody before.

Two things:

One, of course he's going to flatter you by saying things like this, because flattery will get you everywhere....what he's saying is that because you've bent over backwards and been everything he's ever wanted, then of course you have to stay together. But as I see it, the advantages of this will be entirely for him....

Secondly, if he really feels you're his soulmate, then of course it would stand to reason you are each others' 'other half'. Does he feel like an even 'half' to you?

He needs to put his money where his mouth is, let his actions spek volumes, and step up to the plate and do something constructive.

 

I feel I have two choices here: 1) walk away from him for good and hope he meets somebody who is sufficient to motivate him to do what he wants with his life and makes him happy enough to lift him out of depression, or 2) sweep him back into my arms and try and support him by getting him out of the house and involved in outside projects, and try to lift his self esteem.

 

What do you think?

well, you've been resorting to plan 'B' (2) and it hasn't had much of an effect, really, has it?

You're right. you cannot change him, and have no right to try to change him, and have no right (also) to expect him to change, either for himself, or you, if he doesn't want to.

So what you have to decide really, is:

Given that he's showing no intention or ambition to change - is this going to be acceptable to you?

And as you advance your own career, and maybe get more money, is this the man (in his current state) whom you see living with you, being the father of any children you might want, or growing old with......?

 

No, I thought not.....

 

I'd leave him.

It may give him the impetus he needs, because while you enable his behaviour, he isn't going to do anything for himself. It could very well be the catalyst he needs to metaphorically kick him where it hurts and make him grow some. But he will still have to prove that.

And if he doesn't, it proves you were right anyway.

[weeble78]

You know, reading that, TaraMaiden - thinking about leaving him feels like somebody's actually kicked me in the stomach and it makes me want to be sick. It genuinely makes me feel scared and desperately sad, because I have never loved anybody or connected with somebody as deeply as him.

 

At the back of it all, I feel like maybe I don't inspire enough love in him to want to do more, be better, move on in life - like maybe I'm not the right person for him.

 

I don't understand how this happened, I've never thought about marrying anybody before

 

I feel like if I walk away now, I'd be abandoning him when he needs me most. Am I wrong?

[reservoirdog1]

The time apart could be what you both need. Sure, you'd like him to get a job and demonstrate some ambition and passion. If you were making unreasonable expectations of him, you'd be in the wrong. But your expectation is that he get off his ass and actually do something, not sit at home, get stoned and play Xbox all day. That's an expectation people should have of themselves as well. How else is he going to pay his rent? You're not expecting him to "change" -- you're expecting him to be a functional, productive human being, doing SOMETHING. Nothing unreasonable about that. His inability, whether real or imagined, to meet that very reasonable expectation, is probably what you're really unhappy with.

 

It sounds to me like he's making up excuses for himself. He has a back problem that MIGHT require surgery, he's depressed about that, so he's shut himself off from moving forward with life? He should be seeing his doctor about the depression. Has he done that much, at least?

 

If the "break" results in him getting his shyt together and getting off his ass, then it will have accomplished something and you can reassess and get back together. If he doesn't, well... as Tara said, it gives you the answer you need.

[TaraMaiden]

Two things (I keep talking in two's...I have to learn to count more!)

 

Leaving him will in essence, be a gamble.

What you could do, is to give him an ultimatum. Give him reason to really pull his socks up.

 

Without resorting to any histrionics or excessive emotion, Write him a letter, and tell him logically, chronologically and succinctly, what you feel the problem is, from your perspective, and how you really feel about it all.

Emphasise that you realise it is completely wrong to demand or to expect someone to change for anyone else, but point out to him that he used to be a very different person. He HAS changed. In his opinion (ask him), does he feel these changes have been constructive - or not?

A relationship means compromise. A relationship means pulling together, but in the same direction, not as a tug-o'-war.

You don't want him to change for you, but you really believe he HAS to change for himself. And for the good of this relationship. Because try as you might, you don't know how long you can stick with this.

Give him 4 weeks* in which he has to demonstrate some kind of positive willingness to understand that you are unhappy with the way things are, and that there is something he can do to bring it back in line.

If - in 4 weeks - he has done nothing of any sufficient significance, tell him that you will take this as an indication that you are on different pages.

He is where he wants to be, and that's fine. But he will have to accept that you're not. And that as you are unhappy, you reserve the right to do things which make you happy, and find people with whom you can share that happiness on an equal footing.

But if you ARE going to give him an ultimatum - and he doesn't do whatever it takes to make positive progress - then you have to step up to the plate, and show him you really, really mean it. The ultimatum is a double-edged sword. it will cut the cord that binds you too.

And if he doesn't pull his weight during these 4 weeks, and you DO leave - maybe then, he will see that what it takes is a bit more than lip service, and THEN come up with the goods. But change has to be gradual, progressive, positive - and permanent.

 

*(If 4 weeks doesn't sound like a reasonable time to you, consider a time-frame that is. I think it's a pretty good timespan.... but that's just me....)

 

The second thing is, (you thought I'd forgotten, didn't you? )

 

The reason you feel 'kicked in the stomach', is that scientists who study these kinds of things, discovered that our stomach lining contains cells very similar to braincells, which are stimulated during times of emotional stress. So, when we say, 'food for thought,' or 'I'll chew it over' or 'I'm going to digest that information for a bit' - you know what they mean!!

 

Just a bit of trivia for you, but I thought it interesting. You sound like a very bright person, I thought it might interest you too....

[weeble78]

Thank you for listening to me and taking the time to reply so considerately.

 

Leaving him is an option, but one I do not want to consider lightly as I consider it a decision to be made in faith that it is the right one, and a pathway to be followed no matter how much you may feel like straying along the way.

 

I do not feel like I have come to the end of all avenues yet, and therefore I don't feel ready to give up (although I may be posting on here in a month wishing I had).

 

An ultimatum is something I had not considered to be honest, as I did not want to put him in the position of feeling he has to make changes to himself for me. I can see how you're putting it though.

 

We talked before agreeing to some space, and one of the things I told him was that I feel he's changed. In fact I said this a week ago which he took on board while I took a little more time to spend with friends. He took me on a surprise day out up a mountain walk to a waterfall you can walk under and then for lunch (we spent the whole afternoon talking about past and what we want for the future, it was very lovely sharing so much and feeling so loving towards each other); he also took me out for dinner the other night and to the cinema, which we haven't done for so long - and we had an amazing time, and AMAZING sex hee hee! Anyway, during that week he started telling me what he'd been doing in the day (watching documentaries, cleaning the house etc), and both times mentioned that he'd taken a look at a job site but not really looked hard - he couldn't look me in the eye when he said this. I wasn't jumping for joy here, but I'd concede there was a change in attitude on some level.

 

The reason I made this decision after these things was that Saturday night we were supposed to be having a proper night out in town at a cocktail bar then a club. He got too wasted before he met me and let me down (to cut a long story short). This was the last straw. He texted me all morning and then came over in tears. He said he hadn't acted responsibly, could see his actions were affecting me and was gutted to have let me down. Then I had the chat with him after ruminating during the afternoon.

 

Now the other thing is he has been saying over the last three months that he wants a change in his life, to move away, settle down, get out of the party lifestyle which is prevalent in his house and stop smoking/drinking. He has said this of his own accord. I drink and take the odd 'soft' drug like maybe once/twice a year, but my life is not run by it.

 

I think your suggestion is mighty sensible and gives me the option of me making changes I want in myself so I can say I did everything. A letter would be a good way of expressing myself plainly that he can read without the pressure of replying immediately. I had thought in terms of timescales, just not about giving him one.

 

I am willing to work to a timescale, because I have learnt that life is too short not to be continually growing and expanding yourself. I just hope he wants to take this journey with me.

 

Hmm and your comment about similar cells to braincells in the stomach lining, I think that would explain an awful lot about disorders such as IBS - that makes a lot of sense.. and thank you for your kind comment

 

Sorry this is such a long reply - thank you x

[princesssockhead]

Hi weeble!

 

Things do seem a little wobbly right now, don't they?

 

I'm the "abandoned" girlfriend in this situation right now. My bf of 9 months asked for a "break" on Friday night.

 

His reasons behind needing the break are somewhat different than what you are faced with but I can see some similarities none the less. My bf is under a lot of pressure right now in almost every arena of his life. Work, home, parental figures, grief from a parent passing away last Thanksgiving, and then to top it all off, a job offer in another state with an indeterminable date of when he will go interview in this other state. Yep, a big heaping dish of stress for him.

 

I am not facing all that much stress, other than what this relationship has brought about for me and the fact that I don't have a job and that actually puts a lot of stress and pressure on someone as well. I left my minimum wage paying job 2 1/2 weeks ago because I felt as thought it was holding me back from getting something that paid better and wasn't causing my back to get messed up from physical manual labor. Well, the job market sucks really badly right now and I'm in a city that hasn't experienced much job loss or unemployment, so that tells you something there.

 

I recently quit smoking pot partially because I wanted to be clean for a professional, good paying job but also because I realized it was upsetting my boyfriend a little bit and it was also holding me back emotionally. I am actually far less anxious then I used to be when I smoked weed. He was understanding that I enjoyed it but I don't think he really respected me when I'd do it. People usually either don't care at all about that drug or they have these total judgmental perceptions about it (with good cause I believe) but still...it seems to be a black and white thing to most people.

 

Anyhow, my bf and I have had a fantastic 9 months. We've both never had such a loving, healthy relationship before and we're both getting up there in age (26 me, 30 him). Many of these "external" factors have really put a damper on all of the affection, bonding, and enjoyment we've experienced with each other. I mean, you can't not face external influences, because they are always going to be there but I think the important thing is to see how you can work through those issues internally within the relationship.

 

I think a break is a good option for a couple that ultimately loves each other but needs some space/time to think about things and evaluate the level of commitment they want to share with each other. Maybe some space esp. if you aren't contacting your bf a whole lot will persuade him to get on the ball and clean up his act a little bit.

 

I don't think people should settle for things like addictive people in their life but I also don't think people should throw the baby out with the bath water either. If you think he can change, if you really believe that he can come around especially when he hears and knows (because you spoken your truths to him loud and clear) how you feel, then I'd say give him a fair chance.

 

The job market blows right now and to us unemployed people it makes the job search all the more depressing. So many unemployed people I know have even given up in their futile attempts to get a job after searching and spamming resumes for months. I'm at the point where I'll work any job that will pay me decently and not kill my back. *gulps* I've even considered cocktail waitressing and that scares the heck out of me that I'd go that low. But it's a sucky job market, it's causing people to feel apathy. I'm not surprised a lot of us have resorted to smoking pot to detach from that. However, it's still not an excuse and just as you have been working as a functioning adult, he has that responsibility too. That's what I realize in my situation and I'm using this "break" time to become the career woman I am...get my ducks in a row, get some money flowing and hoping that my bf sees my responsibility and my desire to be all that I can be for him and decides to meet me back in the middle.

 

I always hold out hope. Hang in there, girly! Sounds like you're having a hard time with this and it hurts a lot. Believe in yourself, believe in those you love, and release/surrender worries because the Universe does take care of us how it's supposed to. You'll know whether he's the one worth fighting for. Trust me.

[weeble78]

Hey,

 

Gosh you really do seem to understand the other side of the ballpark here, being in the same position as my BF! That's really strange...and interesting!

 

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time getting a job, I've been in that position myself and know exactly how it makes you feel getting rejected and feeling like you're running out of options. You can end up feeling hopeless and like you're running on a treadmill you'll never get off, but believe me you will, and it will feel so great because you did it all yourself.

 

As from my perspective, I am currently dealing with job worries, financial problems and tying up the house sale from my last relationship. Like your boyfriend I am under pressure from all sorts of directions and I feel it has influenced my decision to take a break. All these things happening to me have created a feeling of stress and panic, of juggling different things to keep different people happy, money in the bank balanced, food on the table etc. I have felt that my boyfriend was immensely supportive where he could be (even when he didn't have to be), but that the stress I am under may make me make a hasty decision or do something I regret so part of the reason I want a break is to stop that from happening. To allow me to juggle what I need while calmly thinking about my relationship - which is the most important one I've ever had. I am doing this because he means so much to me that I feel he deserves me taking time out to clear my head and see what can be done with minimum drama and emotional upheaval.

 

Also I'd like to share that I have an injury which has prevented me from my two careers (medical secretary and aromatherapist) and led me to work for the last year in a minimum wage job. This is ****. I am qualified and experienced. But you know what? These things don't go on forever. Life changes. And so it will with your back. Work with what you can, and look down other avenues, think of new doors you can open to work better jobs doing something different e.g. training to do something new, working from home, getting creative. There's a way around everything even in this climate. There's always hope for change you just have to be inventive, look to your heart for what makes you happy and you will get there.

 

I've suffered depression and joblessness/homelessness in the past. If you want to get out of it the tough thing is only you can pull yourself out of it. It is tough, and it is a challenge, but you will do it and become a better and stronger person for it. There will be a day you turn around and be thankful for being in a tough position, because you will realise you gained the strength to deal with what life threw at you and that will give you more confidence to move on with pastures new.

 

Congratulations on giving up pot smoking and realising where you want to be headed with a job, you can go anywhere you want to and it looks like you've already started x