Taking a break from the relationship...

[princesssockhead]

Hello Everyone! Been awhile since I've been on loveshack, well admittedly, I still lurk but haven't posted in years. But ya'll are so good with your advice, I knew I could count on you.

 

I'm going through a bit of a hard time right now. My boyfriend of 9 months initiated a "break" on Friday night, somewhat out of the blue. I mean I was driving home to our apartment (yes, we live together) thinking about the plans we had to go out with some friends that night and how he wanted to buy a new dress shirt at the mall during the weekend. So yeah...it came as quite a big shock when I noticed he was kind of quiet and I asked if everything was alright and he responded that "eh, I'm not sure."

 

So our relationship has been awesome up until a month ago. We are one of those couples where people thought we were married 2 weeks into getting to know each other. Our friends tease us (and put pressure on us) by asking us when the wedding will be happening. Each of our families embraces our relationship and enjoys how much happiness we've brought to each other. This is by far my most healthy, loving, giving, growing relationship I've ever had. We don't yell at each other, yes, we have disagreements but we work them out calmly - listening to each other, respecting each others viewpoint and we make compromises very easily with each other.

 

So yeah, it's been freaking fantastic all things considered. I mean some of the baggage we both brought into the relationship has weighed us down a bit. He lost his mom to breast cancer last November and he doesn't have a great relationship with his dad who by the way, just started dating a woman 2 months ago and is already talking of moving in with her and she has the same name as my bf's deceased mom. There's been a lot of external stress/triggers/pressure such as this that seems to have arisen through the course of our relationship.

 

So a month ago, he was contacted by a job recruiter about a fantastic job opportunity in another state. He's already got a great job in the city we live in but this is just an amazing opportunity. This has kind of caused us to think seriously about the "seriousness" of this relationship with each other. I mean granted, we've only been dating 9 months. And yeah, I screwed up and started bringing up the whole "M" (arriage) word and kids concept kind of early on. He's just rocking my world and it's hard not to picture he and I someday taking that adventure together. I am in no rush as I'm only 26 and he's only 30.

 

So I've had plenty of experience with serious long term relationships but my boyfriend has dated casually a lot and also had about 4 serious relationships, however, none of them seem to have lasted past the 2 year mark. Naturally, as a person attuned to psychology and emotional patterns, this kind of sent of some signals in my head. We've had some pretty deep, intense talks now about his and my ideas on commitment and finally he's admitted to me that he does think he's a bit of a commitment phobe and he sort of thinks he may never want to get married or have kids.

 

So now we have an incompatibility of future plans thing going on yet we are great together, very loving, very capable of growing together and possibly finding some alternative/compromise solution to the future plans thing. Like I said I'm in no rush and he doesn't seem to be either. We have careers we want to grow, trips and vacations to take, and more importantly, more adult lessons to learn about who we are, what we want, etc.

 

We talked about moving to this other state together if he does get the job. We decided we would do that as our relationship is still going well and we are very much in love with each other. That's the page we were on as of Friday night.

 

Now, after some more long talks well into the morning hours during this weekend, he's having an entire personality/existentialist breakdown. He tells me that he's been living his life in this detached way, never really getting serious with someone or letting himself get too close to anyone. He feels like his coping mechanism with this has lead him to live a facade of a life and he just doesn't know who he is anymore. He's mad at me for being a catalyst for this self-awareness and for pushing him to feel...well more for someone. He explains to me that I've gotten closer to him, in these short 9 months, then anyone else he's ever been with. He tells me that he is in love with me and loves me yet he thinks in the long run, we're probably not going to be good together and oh yeah, my spirituality and some of my kooky habits bother him. So yay, at least he's opening up and speaking the truth some now!!! But dear god...it seems to have caused this major upheaval in our relationship to the point that I've now moved out of our apartment, back in with my parents, and he says he needs to think about us, himself, his career, his grief for a month and maybe more.

 

I agree that space will do us both good. We can use this time to re-center, to focus back in on our own personal goals and aspirations without the pressure of being fully in a relationship. He plans to seek counseling, I plan to sort out my career goals and schooling. We know we want to spend more time with friends and renew some friendships we've let fall by the wayside due to being in such a "honeymoon" bliss.

 

We discussed the "break" and agreed that we would inform our friends that we are taking a break but we aren't "broken up". We told each other that we would let each other know if, for some reason, sleeping with someone else came up. I'm not totally against him sleeping with someone else as I wonder if that might help him get a better handle on things. However, I did warn him that if one of us did wind up sleeping with someone else it would add another dimension into this whole thing and that if we did come back together, it would probably require some rebuilding of trust. Mostly because from what he's telling me...this break is not about wanting other people or needing to experience another woman....it's about him figuring out what he wants in his life. I mean we have a fantastic sex life; we have sex probably 3-4x a week, we have let out a lot of our kinks with each other. He seems very pleased by me sexually. Actually, I know he is because he tells me so. I tell him I am very pleased and satisfied by him. He's had a harder time with it though lately because of the depression he's experiencing and I know men can get too much in their thinking head and it definitely affects things downstairs for them. I'm ok with this and I've expressed that to him. I can tell he's guilty/ashamed by it but I feel like maybe counseling will help him with that too. All in all, I'm mostly not concerned that he's testing the waters out with anyone else or trying to line up chicks to bang during this break time. I think his words state that he's freaked out, stressed, and feels very ungrounded. Needs space/time to think.

 

Part of me is being really confident that this is what we need, that this is ultimately good for us and that he is really under the gun, huge amounts of stress and pressure and dang, I've also seemed to cause him to review and analyze his entire life and personality under a microscope. I think it's a turning point in his life if he can get some counseling and resolve these issues of detachment and lack of commitment. And I fully support him in this venture even if it means I may never be with him again. But jeez, of course, I hold out hope that he'll come back to me. A lighter guy who knows better what he wants out of life and is able to appreciate me for all that I bring to the relationship too. I've done a lot to tend to the health of our relationship because I am a natural communicator. I am a psychology nut and I analyze myself, others, situations, environments (maybe even a little too much so).

 

It is my belief that powerful relationships cause us to take a closer look at our shadow self, the things that lie within us that we deny and submerge because they are so scary to come to grips with. The power in that kind of a relationship is rare and to be able to do that in such a supportive, loving partnership is equally as rare. I don't know if he's trying to let me off slowly, too scared (because he lets fear consume him sometimes) to break it off permanently with me or if he's really truly doing some earnest soul searching that will eventually lead him back to me because he will see that he is accepted and loved for precisely who he is. Nothing less, nothing more. I am content with who he is, despite the incompatibility in future goals, I am content with the relationship the way it has been. I enjoy watching it grow each day, learning something new about him each day, planning our next adventure, sharing the routine, comfortable day to day things we've come to love.

 

It doesn't feel right to be away from him but I am a strong, independent woman who has been through a lot and I'm not afraid to stand on my own two feet and possibly let him go if that is what he truly needs. I want him to be happy, first and foremost. I'm already happy so I'm not worried about me.

 

Sorry for so long...kind of still gushy about the whole relationship...I'm a woman in love and I'm very confused right now about that too. Should I wait it out to see where this takes us or am I being taken as a fool because he may just be letting go very slowly?

 

Thanks for any and all of your words and advice.

Edited August 23, 2010 by princesssockhead
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[princesssockhead]

*bump* *looks around*

 

Helllooooooo out there!!

 

Really no one?

 

Please help...I could really use some fresh perspectives. Thanks!

[Serenitynow]

I still lurk but haven't posted in years. But ya'll are so good with your advice, I knew I could count on you.

 

What in the heck are you smoking that gives you that opinion?

 

 

I screwed up and started bringing up the whole "M" (arriage) word and kids concept kind of early on.

 

I am in no rush as I'm only 26 and he's only 30.

isnt that a total contradiction?

 

 

Should I wait it out to see where this takes us or am I being taken as a fool because he may just be letting go very slowly?

What other choice do you have other than to wait?

 

 

 

.

[princesssockhead]

Hah, I guess the advice given on these forums is subjective but I've come to appreciate people's opinions and advice on here. Plus I'd quit smoking cigarettes last month right after my bf's birthday, we did it together, he couldn't continue it and picked it back up after about a week and a half. I have done better but the past couple of days, I've been smoking a few cigs here and there. Maybe it's the nicotine!!!

 

Yes, kind of a total contradiction. I'm paradoxical like that. But um...I think when you're late 20's/early 30's - it's probably best to not wait a long time to at least get an idea of how your partner views the whole marriage/children concepts. I'm not ready to do either but I do want to know his ideas about the two things and it's certainly not something that many guys bring up unless they are at that "lovely point" where they are very ready to wed.

 

Yep...just waiting....waiting.... I plan to wait but in the meantime while waiting...I think I'll probably get busy taking some dance classes, going out with the girls, and meeting with my college advisor to figure out the best route to obtain my sonography certification. I don't want to be one of those hand on the phone kind of women.

 

Thanks for your input!