baconlover Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 I've been dating my BF for a year. He is divorced (which was finalized 3.5 yrs ago) but told me early on that he had no regrets about it and was looking to move on. The relationship has gone slower than I am used to or want, but i've been patient because I've grown to really care for him. We are a great match in terms of life goals, values, personalities, hobbies - everything! I've noticed that he is very private and cautious about what he says, in part because he is a lawyer, and I was assuming also because of the divorce. Never the less, its been a year like I said, and we still hadn't talked about us or said the L word or whatnot. So, I brought it up last night and we actually had a good converation about it, but the converation really didn't resolve anything. In the converation he said that the divorce, which he previously said wasn't a big deal, actually hurt him deeply and that he feels emotionally numb. He said that he wants to work on it but doesn't know how. He said that he will work on it because he knows that its important to me. He also said he believes there is long term potential for us. But, when I asked him exactly how does he feel about us right now, all he said is 'I have fun with you and enjoy being around you' which in my mind is something you say to someone on date 3. Not 12-months later. He explained to me how hurt he is inside, how scared of emotions he is and how going through the divorce made him doubt the concept of love. At the same time, he tells me often how he wants to get married again and have kids.... I told him that i will help him 'open up' emotionally if he wants me to help & that everything else that he does is just wonderful, which is true. The challenge I have is that nothing is guaranteed... what if he isn't able to open up? How long do I give him to try? I'll wait a while more - but I'm approaching 30 and can't wait forever. I need a relationship that has open communication and deep affection, point blank. Anyways, I guess this post is a bit of a venting technique for me, and also to see if anyone else out there has had similar experiences. I'd like to hear about them. What did you do? What do you advise? I'm scared of giving it more time, then just being hurt even more when he can't give me what I need emotionally. Thanks for your thoughts...
Ruby Slippers Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 He needs to poop or get off the pot, as it were. If he hasn't opened up and expressed his love and commitment to you within a year, it's not likely to happen, or he'll do it grudgingly only to appease you. His emotional injuries are either: 1. Legitimate, in which case he needs a good therapist to help him work through them (you cannot do it), or 2. Excuses he's using to try to keep you around, in spite of the fact that he doesn't really love you. I'd pose the two options to him and see which side of the fence he lands on. If he really loves you and wants to work through the problems, he will be willing to seek outside help. If he doesn't love you, he'll probably continue to make excuses, and you'll have your answer.
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