A few girls, the same common theme

[dispatch3d]

Alright I have a pretty big problem with girls just flaking out/rescheduling/dicking me around. I half think they are testing my boundaries and usually what happens is they EVENTUALLY through a ton of hard work hit a boundary I'm not willing to keep on and I either stop calling/stop texting/stop making any effort to be there friends. Maybe I need to let them know this is GOING TO HAPPEN if they keep doing this ****.. much much earlier.. but anyways, here's some examples... and I fully realize that some of these girls I'm just friends with, but I feel like it's the exact same problem...

 

Girl: Hey I really want to go to dance lessons on x day. No one ever goes with me.

Me: Yeah I've wanted to do that for a while blablabla.

Girl: Hey why don't we go together.

I get her phone number+add her to facebook. She sends me a link to the thing and I send her a message saying this monday? She doesn't respond until 5 minutes before that monday saying "I'll meet you there". Lol no ****ing way. I tell her its cool we can go another time, she says she can't go friday but I should just go without her, then she'll go monday. I say that's great. I later cancel upon further thought of this for very very obvious reasons.

 

Another girl I scheduled to drink with at some point during the week. My friend was coming back so I wanted to drink with him anyways. She cancels on me sighting some reason which I ignore, and says lets go to x bar thursday. She then cancels that thursday and says it's my birthday friday lets drink then. She then doesn't respond to a text and I stop texting her altogether (ie. **** this ****). I later see her at that same x bar on a thursday, she texts me is that you? stuff, I re-add her to my phone (lol). Then I later see her, she gives me a hug and introduces me to her friends (WTF IS GOING ON), then goes into the bar to dance.

 

Three girls, all friends.

 

Girl A: Leaving soon to go to school. Good friends with her. Happy to be friends with her. Doesn't live in my current town but occasionally visits.

 

Girl B: Have been friends with her for a while. We hang out a fair bit. She gives me signs she's interested, but at the same time has a boyfriend so it's kinda meh. I'm happy being friends with her so I don't attempt to progress things since I don't want to ruin the friendship. Ie. I'm very happy being friends with her.

 

Girl C: I have a crush on and would never make her into as good a friend as girl A or girl B. I like her too much and my intentions would be wrong. She said a while ago (2 monthsish) "I really like talking to you", and I moved the conversation onto her boyfriend then went inside. This is because she had a boyfriend. Why the hell are girls like this. She has since broken up with her boyfriend (I learned this tonight).

 

Anyhow girl A is in town for two days. I talk to her on friday, and say we should drink saturday. I text girl C figuring out where they are going. She sends me texts in gangsta talk (hilarious, I am in love ;-)... I tell her I can't text gangsta, and end the conversation saying I prefer the gansta texts). She says she'll tell me where they are going later in a text, then nothing.

 

Next day, the one I planned to drink with them on (I was busy on friday with other parties/friends/etc. and I got much too drunk lol). I text girl C, she says she's feeling tired, not sure if she wants to go out, yadayada. I ask if girl A is also going out, shes like not sure I'll talk to her in a while and I'll text you where we are going. Lol **** that I think in my head - "text you later" now translates to "never". I text girl B, she says drinking with girl A you should come. I ask where, no response. I call her, nothing (no answer). It's like 8:30 when I start this bull****. By 10:30 I get a text saying x bar at 12, which I would have known anyways if I hadn't talked to them at all. I'm getting the impression that I can drink with them if I put a ton of effort in texting them, act like I really want to, then I guess they'll let me drink there with them. I get ready to go to bed since this is bull****. Girl A texts me at 11:30 saying going to the bar (she didn't have my number until now, got into from one of the other two). I don't respond. She then gets her friends+she herself texts me a few times. I feel like they've made it up to me so I go downtown. I also can't rightfully be mad at girl A anyways.

 

I actually have more stories where I'm slightly more direct with them. I think one of my problems is not being direct enough with my intentions. The other major problem is I'm not reacting to these flakes/boundary tests with "You ****ed up how are you going to make it up to me." Instead I'm reacting with "Oh that's very nice. We can just go out some other time.". As if I'm the type of guy who enjoys having girls flake out or something. It's seriously affecting me mentally too. Which is why even with the girls I'm friends with I need to figure out ways to set the boundary without canceling the friendship altogether.

[phineas]

K.I.S.S.

 

If she knows you are interested, she will lock you down for a day & time to see you if she is interested also.

 

Doesn't even have to be a date, just seeing you.

Unless their looking for a walking ATM, emotional tampon, cuddle monkey (user's)

But those are no-brainers if you keep your wits about you & don't let yourself crush on them.

 

It's taken me over a yr of being separated to figure this out.

[dispatch3d]

The problem is I'm not even in the situation to kiss them. It's not that I'm not pushing enough when on the "dates" or around them, its that these dates aren't even happening. Completely my fault mind you, and I problem with the way I'm going about scheduling (I'm certain of this).

 

Also most of these woman/girls are pretty young. In the 18->22 age range. I'm pretty damn sure this is affecting how they act, how likely they are to go where I say, etc. It's weird because they act very interested in person, but then flake like no tomorrow to the invites. I think part of it is I'm inviting them to the wrong types of things.

 

Some of these girls I'm just friends with and trying to keep healthier friends with as well. Primarily the third scenario, where it isn't as simple as just making out with girl C. I don't want to **** up my friendship with girl A and girl B..... Even though she kinda jeaopardized both by being a little sabotagie....

 

I just think its a systamatic problem I have with the way I go about things.

[WintersNightTraveler]

I think one of my problems is not being direct enough with my intentions

 

Your only problem is that you think it's your problem!

 

Quotes like "cancel upon further thought of this for very very obvious reasons" and "sighting some reason which I ignore" make me think you actually have a really good handle on things. Women are always blowing men off for reasons that are not worth deciphering, I think the best thing to do is just press forward and keep trying, and not let it get your down. You'll accumulate a million more stories like that but luckily there are a million fish in the sea.

 

Apparently it happens to women from men as well, but we need not concern ourselves with that, since it's difficult enough just dealing with half the mystery. Who knows. I think you're probably not approaching things as badly as you think.

 

That said, the sooner you can go for a kiss, the better...

[that girl]

When it comes to Girls A, B, & C- you're not dating any of them. You don't even have all their phone numbers. I don't see anything wrong with them texting you at 10pm when they make their plans for the night- that's how most of my night outs worked in college. And if they forget to call you back (and it isn't a freak occurrence)- they're not that interested in hanging out with you.

 

She doesn't respond until 5 minutes before that monday saying "I'll meet you there". Lol no ****ing way. I tell her its cool we can go another time, she says she can't go friday but I should just go without her, then she'll go monday. I say that's great. I later cancel upon further thought of this for very very obvious reasons.

She doesn't really care if you go with her or not.

 

The other major problem is I'm not reacting to these flakes/boundary tests with "You ****ed up how are you going to make it up to me."

*Eye roll* I doubt these are tests, in one case they seem to just be waiting until they make plans, in the other she doesn't even seem to want to go with you. I doubt any of these girls think about you half as much as you think about them.

[phineas]

The problem is I'm not even in the situation to kiss them. It's not that I'm not pushing enough when on the "dates" or around them, its that these dates aren't even happening. Completely my fault mind you, and I problem with the way I'm going about scheduling (I'm certain of this).

 

Also most of these woman/girls are pretty young. In the 18->22 age range. I'm pretty damn sure this is affecting how they act, how likely they are to go where I say, etc. It's weird because they act very interested in person, but then flake like no tomorrow to the invites. I think part of it is I'm inviting them to the wrong types of things.

 

Some of these girls I'm just friends with and trying to keep healthier friends with as well. Primarily the third scenario, where it isn't as simple as just making out with girl C. I don't want to **** up my friendship with girl A and girl B..... Even though she kinda jeaopardized both by being a little sabotagie....

 

I just think its a systamatic problem I have with the way I go about things.

 

K.I.S.S. = Keep It Simple Stupid.

I personally shy away from friendships with women because of your problems. At 38 i have met some of the biggest flakes I ever knew.

When I was in my 20's flakes didn't bother me because I always had options when it cam to finding something to do.

 

These days, I gotta make a deal with the devil to get someone to take my kids overnight on the nights I normally have them.

I make sure women know this.

They flake on me one of those nights & their dead to me.

It's happened to me twice in the last yr & I believe my world is much better with them out of it.

 

I think the best advice I can give that has worked well for me is to put in slightly less effort than they do when it comes to contact.

[dispatch3d]

When it comes to Girls A, B, & C- you're not dating any of them. You don't even have all their phone numbers. I don't see anything wrong with them texting you at 10pm when they make their plans for the night- that's how most of my night outs worked in college. And if they forget to call you back (and it isn't a freak occurrence)- they're not that interested in hanging out with you.

 

 

She doesn't really care if you go with her or not.

 

 

*Eye roll* I doubt these are tests, in one case they seem to just be waiting until they make plans, in the other she doesn't even seem to want to go with you. I doubt any of these girls think about you half as much as you think about them.

 

Yesterday I had 2 of the 3 phone numbers and the only reason I didn't have girl C's phone number is because I told her not to bother giving it to me because I was unlikely to call it. (she's living in another country during the school year, and is in another city >1 hour away during the summer). I have her number now. You are overestimating how easy numbers are to get for me .

 

I agree with your analysis of the three girls. They were probably just waiting until they made plans. I guess I just didn't like how they went about it. I definitely had some hardcore male PMS with the whole scenario anyways and kinda realized it.

 

Doesn't want to go with me, is that in reference to the dancing lessons? It's weird because she said she wanted to go, she made the plans with me, and she was the one who was enthusiastic about it. Then she clearly backed out hard enough that I could never trust her to meet me anywhere.

 

What you think they are doing in each one would be pretty helpful tbh to put things in perspective of whats actually going on. I can only see things from my own perspective.

 

edit: oops girl C=girl A, or the one from out of town, my bad

[dispatch3d]

K.I.S.S. = Keep It Simple Stupid.

I personally shy away from friendships with women because of your problems. At 38 i have met some of the biggest flakes I ever knew.

When I was in my 20's flakes didn't bother me because I always had options when it cam to finding something to do.

 

These days, I gotta make a deal with the devil to get someone to take my kids overnight on the nights I normally have them.

I make sure women know this.

They flake on me one of those nights & their dead to me.

It's happened to me twice in the last yr & I believe my world is much better with them out of it.

 

I think the best advice I can give that has worked well for me is to put in slightly less effort than they do when it comes to contact.

 

I have a wide circle of friends and it doesn't bother me if someone flakes because they never ever start off in a priority type of friend anyways. Basically, I'll be off doing something already, message them whats going on, and then decide whether I want to go do that thing or not. This is why flakes don't bother me - if they flake I'm already doing something or going to do something so I don't care.

 

There's a speach/story I can give that will reduce flakes a lot, I just don't want to use it because it's pickup material/pickup lore. The chances of them running into that speech/story before is pretty slim though. Like it's basically canned material, targeted at reducing flakes. Should give you an idea of how much canned stuff I use if I'm unwilling to even use that .

[meerkat stew]

If you want to maintain friendships with women or casual social relations, you must take complete reins of any logistical planning away from them or get an anxiety or muscle relaxer prescription. Unless the job title on her business card says "Event Planner," just assume that they aren't mentally capable of logistically planning anything that a child couldn't plan or sticking to plans they have made even weeks or months ago. The possibility of annoyance and discomfort increases exponentially the more people involved.

 

I started learning this in college 20 years ago where parties planned by women would have the "cutest" invitations, the "cutest" decorations, months of planning... and no f__king ice or mixers. Kegs with no cups. 15 people invited to a sleepover party at a cabin with two bedrooms and not told to bring a sleeping bag (the cabin had been described as very large). Setting reservations for 8 at a restaurant and still being on the phone chatting unshowered or dressed at the reservation time. Getting a reservation for six at a trendy restaurant and then adding friends into the equation so that our party has ten (invariably eight single men and two single women) by the time we get to the restaurant. Throwing parties and inviting 25 men and 0 women (i kid you not). Etc. etc.

 

Maybe 30 times living in NYC a female planned get together in the city among as few as 5 people would turn into an all-night boondoggle of endless waiting around, missed locations, cramped, uncomfortable seating, spur of the moment plan changes, etc. See the movie "After Hours" for the kind of feeling letting women plan things, or expecting them to stick to plans will engender in the average man.

 

Either insist on taking the reins and becoming something of a bully of a cruise director (you must repeat all plans three times in direct simple language, "be at X at 8oclock, will you in fact be at X at 8oclock?" then ten minutes later, "just wanted to make sure that you will in fact be at X at 8oclock to meet the other eight people involved in this outing." :lmao:) in getting them to stick to simple plans without modification, just don't go when the women are in control of the evening, don't try to befriend them in the first place, or suffer extreme annoyance and discomfort due to their incompetence. There really are no other options. The above has nothing to do with dating or romance, just simple logistics among supposed adults.

 

Based on observations, they get a bit better after 60, and at that age you can expect them to have at least the planning and logistics capacity of an 18 year old man. Until then, take the reins, stay home or just resign yourself to suffering and get very very drunk.

[AverageJoe]

Women are always testing men, this is a fact.

 

This is what I do. I call them up (if it is an evening date) earlier in the day and say hey, Joe here just wanted to make sure we are on for tonight. She says yeah, and then I say great, im glad your not a flake its a big pet peeve of mine, im happy you are not like that. Laughter ensues.

 

Then if she flakes I will never make an attempt to call her again.

 

I have a zero tolerance policy for flakes. My time is valuable and if she flakes out on me its time wasted when I could have been going out with someone else that doesnt flake out.

[dispatch3d]

Women are always testing men, this is a fact.

 

This is what I do. I call them up (if it is an evening date) earlier in the day and say hey, Joe here just wanted to make sure we are on for tonight. She says yeah, and then I say great, im glad your not a flake its a big pet peeve of mine, im happy you are not like that. Laughter ensues.

 

Then if she flakes I will never make an attempt to call her again.

 

I have a zero tolerance policy for flakes. My time is valuable and if she flakes out on me its time wasted when I could have been going out with someone else that doesnt flake out.

 

Some woman will flake 2-3 times or flake consistently at the start and then stop flaking as much later on.

 

I have a pretty active social life so I can't stick to a no-flake regime. Asking others of this is kind of unreasonable. That said I definitely don't accept very flaky behaviour, like the 2nd girl who rescheduled with me 3 times and flaked each time. I think I should have put my foot down at either the first or second time.

 

I have scheduled things and it's kind of annoying for me to run things. It requires even more social networking for me than just keeping many friends and picking the best options.

 

I think learning to live with woman and their faults is probably better than being friends with only guys. Still dissecting that long post above, not sure what I think of it.

[AverageJoe]

Some woman will flake 2-3 times or flake consistently at the start and then stop flaking as much later on.

 

I have a pretty active social life so I can't stick to a no-flake regime. Asking others of this is kind of unreasonable. That said I definitely don't accept very flaky behaviour, like the 2nd girl who rescheduled with me 3 times and flaked each time. I think I should have put my foot down at either the first or second time.

 

I have scheduled things and it's kind of annoying for me to run things. It requires even more social networking for me than just keeping many friends and picking the best options.

 

I think learning to live with woman and their faults is probably better than being friends with only guys. Still dissecting that long post above, not sure what I think of it.

 

How much time have you wasted on people that flake out with you? Think about it.

Active social life or not, this is time you spent and prepared to go out with someone and they basically gave you the finger. Thats right pal, here you go buddy one for the road. You should have more self respect than that.

 

There have been two times, two. When a women called me up and said derp derp derp derp this and that, im sorry.

 

The next words out of my mouth were, how are you going to make this up to me? And then I stfu, the next person that speaks loses.

 

One had a very legitimate reason, the other, meh never called her again.

 

Life is too short man.

[dispatch3d]

How much time have you wasted on people that flake out with you? Think about it.

Active social life or not, this is time you spent and prepared to go out with someone and they basically gave you the finger. Thats right pal, here you go buddy one for the road. You should have more self respect than that.

 

There have been two times, two. When a women called me up and said derp derp derp derp this and that, im sorry.

 

The next words out of my mouth were, how are you going to make this up to me? And then I stfu, the next person that speaks loses.

 

One had a very legitimate reason, the other, meh never called her again.

 

Life is too short man.

 

See part of me believes that putting up with flakes is somehow passing their behaviour or something. This is probably way the wrong approach. If a woman/guy/whoever treats me like **** - either implicitly or explicitly - I really should be giving them **** back. If they give me a figurative "**** you" and here's a good excuse on top, I really need to draw a line. I guess figuring out how to draw the line appropriately and non-reactively is the next step.

 

With the three girl scenario I did draw a line. If you want to drink with me cool, ****ing tell me where and when. If you're going to go on about it for 2 ****ing hours don't expect me to show up unless you actually make an effort to make me believe you want me there.

[dispatch3d]

alright joe, I read through some of your posts and lik ethe way you think.

 

How would you have delt with each of the scenarios I listed above?

[AverageJoe]

Three girls, all friends.

This is your first problem. What are you doing being "friends"?. They already have friends, and guess what, so do you. Never be the friend, unless you want to be the gay friend that walks around with them at the mall looking at silly trinkets and wicker furniture. Stop it!

 

Girl B: Have been friends with her for a while. We hang out a fair bit. She gives me signs she's interested, but at the same time has a boyfriend so it's kinda meh. I'm happy being friends with her so I don't attempt to progress things since I don't want to ruin the friendship. Ie. I'm very happy being friends with her.

You are happy being friends with her...yeah. If that is the case why are you even bringing it up. I know whats up here, you want to get in those panties.

When a girl tells me they have a boyfriend, so what? What does that have to do with me? They are not married. I move in and get the results I am after. Make the move or just complain on LS that you didnt do ****.

 

Girl C: I have a crush on and would never make her into as good a friend as girl A or girl B. I like her too much and my intentions would be wrong. She said a while ago (2 monthsish) "I really like talking to you", and I moved the conversation onto her boyfriend then went inside. This is because she had a boyfriend. Why the hell are girls like this. She has since broken up with her boyfriend (I learned this tonight).

 

Let me understand this, you have a crush on her, yet you would never make her into as a good 'friend' as the others. Look, women dont put men in the friend zone, men put themselves there.

Wtf is wrong with you, pal? C'mon knock that **** off.

She likes talking to you. Yeah, just know that everything you say to her, can and will be held against you.

And knock it off with that facebook crap. Be active, not reactive. Let me say this. When you lose that call waiting face off, and she says she has to go. Thats me calling.

Is that what you want?

[alexlakeman]

I know what the problem is... you're spending too much time on here .... over 300 posts since july????!?!? omg:laugh: ... you need to get out more . good luck

[dispatch3d]

This is your first problem. What are you doing being "friends"?. They already have friends, and guess what, so do you. Never be the friend, unless you want to be the gay friend that walks around with them at the mall looking at silly trinkets and wicker furniture. Stop it!

 

 

You are happy being friends with her...yeah. If that is the case why are you even bringing it up. I know whats up here, you want to get in those panties.

When a girl tells me they have a boyfriend, so what? What does that have to do with me? They are not married. I move in and get the results I am after. Make the move or just complain on LS that you didnt do ****.

 

 

 

Let me understand this, you have a crush on her, yet you would never make her into as a good 'friend' as the others. Look, women dont put men in the friend zone, men put themselves there.

Wtf is wrong with you, pal? C'mon knock that **** off.

She likes talking to you. Yeah, just know that everything you say to her, can and will be held against you.

And knock it off with that facebook crap. Be active, not reactive. Let me say this. When you lose that call waiting face off, and she says she has to go. Thats me calling.

Is that what you want?

 

Girl B has a wide social circle of friends and frequently has events on the go. She is friends with a fair amount of hot women as well. As you can see this would have a fair amount of value to me. She's also pretty cool. = OK to be friends with.

 

Girl C has a small social circle of friends and mostly goes out to "dance" ie. hunt for guys. Or at least that's what I assume. She's fun to talk to you if she likes you, otherwise she shuts down. She also is scared to have guys as friends (doesn't work, I prefer lady friends, etc.). Not friend material. Hence I would not befriend her. Very little value to me outside dating.

 

Don't just presuppose I'm putting myself in "friendzone" because I'm too scared to go for them. There is a balancing act on whether I think I should act on something or I shouldn't. If I go for Girl B, who has a boyfriend I might add, I risk losing a large circle of friends. The boyfriend also befriended me, likely out of fear (lol). Anyways. There is a lot of value in having access to a large circle of hot girls. Obviously.

 

I hardly ever message them on facebook. I'm not sure if I've ever left a message on girl C's facebook. I regularly facebook girl A but she lives in another country. Who gives a **** (lol). Girl B I facebook if I feel like doing that instead of texting or calling. I probably have a 70/30 split on text/calling them depending on how annoyed I get with texts.

 

I do appreciate the criticism. You can't hurt my ego man it's either really big or really small .