BiAxident Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Some of you may already be familiar with my situation, which can be viewed here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t241504/ In short, I've been dating my XGF for six weeks. We dated/lived together previously for two years. In the beginning of "this round", we spoke about marriage, with her basically stating that if I proposed she would say yes. A week or so after that, she got cold feet and began to withdraw slightly. In an online chat, she told me that she is having doubts, needs more free space/time, loves me but isn't in love with me, and wants to give the relationship more time to see what develops. She has assured me that we are still a couple, and that she is still contemplating marrying me. However, she became upset that I became upset over her reconsidering the marriage comments, stating that she should have simply "taken three months to pick out a ring and maybe everything would have been alright". I've decided I have little to lose and everything to gain by sticking things out. I can't blame her persay for getting cold feet, given that we've only been back together for a short period. Better now than after I buy a ring. The problem is how to move forward in the relationship knowing that I'm on evaluation? Realistically, anyone in any relationship is being evaluated, nothing is necessarily permanent. Still, if things are awkward and enjoyable, she certainly isn't about to fall "in love". Trying to discuss the issue will simply raise drama, which will make things uncomfortable. Yet, we both know it is the fifty-ton elephant in the room. How to move forward? Suggestions?
Forget About Her Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 She gave you the "I love you but not in love with you" line, and you have questions on what to do? Bail bro! She's not interested the way you are. She's stringing you along until something better comes along, period! Don't be "that guy". You are acknowledging that you are "on evaluation"?!?!?!? Dude, really stop playing yourself, you sound like a b*tch (for lack of a better term)
Pink Cupcakes Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 The fact that she is focused on "the ring" and picking out a style...that is what concerns me. She knows she doesn't have deep feelings of being in love with you....you don't make her heart go aflutter....but she IS infatuated with the IDEA of getting married and "the ring." She is in it with "half of her heart." Have you heard that song by John Meyer? You want a woman who is in it with all of her heart who can say, without doubt "I love this man" when referring to you. Do you really want to be with a woman who isn't in love with you?
Author BiAxident Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 The fact that she is focused on "the ring" and picking out a style...that is what concerns me. She knows she doesn't have deep feelings of being in love with you....you don't make her heart go aflutter....but she IS infatuated with the IDEA of getting married and "the ring." She is in it with "half of her heart." Have you heard that song by John Meyer? You want a woman who is in it with all of her heart who can say, without doubt "I love this man" when referring to you. Do you really want to be with a woman who isn't in love with you? She told me that she believed, at the time, that if I made a serious commitment to her, that she would be able to fall in love with me. Also, she stated that, if she had already waited thirty-two years (her age) to get married, why not wait a bit longer to make sure I'm the right one? No, I dont want to be with a woman who isn't in love with me. However, we do have love between us. Should I expect that she would be "in love" with me after having been back together for six weeks, after a two year break?
Author BiAxident Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 She gave you the "I love you but not in love with you" line, and you have questions on what to do? Bail bro! She's not interested the way you are. She's stringing you along until something better comes along, period! Don't be "that guy". You are acknowledging that you are "on evaluation"?!?!?!? Dude, really stop playing yourself, you sound like a b*tch (for lack of a better term) I appreciate the tough love, I do -- but how can I know that she is stringing me along and not trying to make sure that she wants a commitment as heavy as marriage? Would you be willing to get engaged to someone you've only been dating for six weeks or so?
Pink Cupcakes Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 (edited) Well, if it has been six weeks, and you are thinking of buying this piece of metal and rock to signify "commitment", then YES, you BOTH should be feeling deep feelings of love. She is not and actually wants space from you. At this point in a relationship (6 weeks into it) it's all ecsctatic feelings and not being able to get enough of each other. Instead, she's wanting to get away from you. I know you think that's harsh, but that's what "space" is. Also, now you are talking about a magical number of an age (32) to be "ready" for marriage, just like "the ring"...none of these (the magical "ring" or the "age of 32, 33, 34 ,35, whatever" are going ot make her feel those feelings. You already have a past and it didn't work because she didn't love you....she still doesn't. Also, I don't mean to be mean, you having a career is more important than you think and she won't marry you until you make a decent salary at a career with benefits. Just because you make a "serious commitment" to her with a "ring" doesn't mean the feelings of being in love will start to come for her. That is very naieve and a line to keep giving you hope. No offense but come back here in two months and we'll see if you two are even still together at all. I really doubt you will be. Edited August 22, 2010 by Pink Cupcakes
Author BiAxident Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 Well, if it has been six weeks, and you are thinking of buying this piece of metal and rock to signify "commitment", then YES, you BOTH should be feeling deep feelings of love. She is not and actually wants space from you. At this point in a relationship (6 weeks into it) it's all ecsctatic feelings and not being able to get enough of each other. Instead, she's wanting to get away from you. I know you think that's harsh, but that's what "space" is. You're right, which is what has me confused. Right up until she left to go on the trip to see her family, it was all pure bliss. She talked about how she couldn't sleep when I wasn't there with her, how she missed me after one day apart. And then, all of a sudden... she is having doubts about the relationship and wants more free time. Granted, in her previous relationship, she had the entire summer to herself, as her ex worked on the other side of the country during the summer, and she said that she loved the alone time. Also, now you are talking about a magical number of an age (32) to be "ready" for marriage, just like "the ring"...none of these (the magical "ring" or the "age of 32, 33, 34 ,35, whatever" are going ot make her feel those feelings. You already have a past and it didn't work because she didn't love you....she still doesn't. It isnt that I, or she, expects that a certain age is going to make her feel in love with me. Rather, she was expressing the idea that, if she has waited this long to get married, she doesnt want to be in a rush to do so now. She doesn't want to marry me out of a snap decision. Wise thinking. Also, I don't mean to be mean, you having a career is more important than you think and she won't marry you until you make a decent salary at a career with benefits. Just because you make a "serious commitment" to her with a "ring" doesn't mean the feelings of being in love will start to come for her. That is very naieve and a line to keep giving you hope. No offense but come back here in two months and we'll see if you two are even still together at all. I really doubt you will be. Well, the reason she left me originally was because I wasn't "professional" enough for her. Then, after dating several professional guys, she said that it "looks good on paper" but it doesnt mean anything if there isn't any connection. Before we got back together officially, she chatted with several guys on a dating site, one of whom had a good job and a lot in common with her, but she still chose me. She said as long as I wasn't a "deadbeat", she wouldn't have a problem. And I am planning on attending law-school in the Winter. I dont doubt the possibility that we wont be together. Rather, I'm simply seeking advice on the best way to go forward, in hopes of making things work.
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