Forget About Her Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 That's my plan of action at this point. We are both 27, and I'm not really sure what to make of her peculiar actions. It was my first time doing the online dating thing. We exchanged a few emails/facebook, and met up last Friday. We had an awesome first date, stayed out until 5am, some light making out throughout the night and she seemed (key word, SEEMED) like a keeper. We texted everyday since the date, and spoke on the phone once. We hung out again last night (Friday), and it was interesting. She didn't seem quite as interested in me, but she still cuddled up to me while watching a movie in my room. We kissed a couple times throughout the night, but no real making out like the last date, more pecks here and there. She fell asleep at my house after I was basically trying to kick her out the entire time (we'll get to that), lol. She ended up sleeping in my bed, fully clothed, nothing happen. I tried waking her up to get her to leave, but she just kept falling back asleep, so I finally said f*ck it, and went to sleep too. She was pretty affectionate in the morning, laying on my chest, stroking my arm/face, etc. We laid in bed awake for about 15 minutes, she took my dog out, and she left. The date kind of took a turn for the worse earlier in the evening when I basically realized she was still a little hooked on her ex. She swore she wasn't, but it was pretty apparent she was. I kind of shut down at that point and was hoping she would just go home when we got back to my house (where her car was). She opted to come inside and wanted to hang out for a while. We ended up just watching another movie and cuddling the entire time. I'm not sure why I even initiated the cuddling at that point because the ex-bf thing kind of turned me off. So I didn't text her at all, all day. She texts me around 11pm (she's working tonight) and makes some small talk. She tells me about her day, and talks about her her her, which she is really good at. I told her I was going out of town next weekend and she started giving me one-word answers for a few texts, then we just stopped talking (no goodbye, no ttyl, nothing). I don't get her, or what she is after. Initially, I thought she was a potential LTR type girl, but now I'm not so sure. I'm usually pretty good at interpreting a girl's actions, but she's like so far off the scale I don't know what to make of it. I don't mind sweating a girl a little bit if I'm interested, but I'm not going to sweat a chick that isn't interested at all in me.
that girl Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Let me get this straight.... You have two very long dates with this girl, little physically happened, and are pretty hung up on her. For some reason you don't explain, you think she is hung up on her ex. So you shut down. But despite you shutting down, she was still physically affectionate. However, you think it is a bad sign she wasn't more physically affectionate despite the fact that you had already shut down. Despite your shutting down, she has texted you a few times. You sound nutzo.
Author Forget About Her Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 Wow, really? That post made me sound nutzo? Let me try to explain your points of interest. There's really no point in going into the entire explanation, but she is still hung up on her ex. She made a post on her facebook about missing him 3 days before we started talking. I doubt she got over it in the last 9 days. When I say that I "shut down" it was more of a dissapointment thing. "Shut down" was probably the wrong term to use, because I was still talking, joking around, showing affection, etc. So her lack of physicality was not a result of her picking up on my dissapointment about her ex. So please try not to focus on the "shutting down" thing, because I didn't make it apparent at all. I just don't really understand her actions. I should mention that after the first date, I sent her roses with a card joking about a conversation we had. She called immediately and profusely thanked me and told me how much she loved them. I think I made my interest in her pretty clear, and I just don't feel the reciprocity. Maybe, I'm used to women that are a little more open and up front? Maybe I made myself too available, when I was just trying to be sweet/romantic? Am I really being nutzo about this?
Author Forget About Her Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 I thought it was cool that she initiated the texting tonight, but I didn't really understand the one-word texts when I told her I was going to be out of town next weekend, then she just stops texting? I'm confused.
zengirl Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Wow, really? That post made me sound nutzo? Let me try to explain your points of interest. There's really no point in going into the entire explanation, but she is still hung up on her ex. She made a post on her facebook about missing him 3 days before we started talking. I doubt she got over it in the last 9 days. When I say that I "shut down" it was more of a dissapointment thing. "Shut down" was probably the wrong term to use, because I was still talking, joking around, showing affection, etc. So her lack of physicality was not a result of her picking up on my dissapointment about her ex. So please try not to focus on the "shutting down" thing, because I didn't make it apparent at all. I just don't really understand her actions. I should mention that after the first date, I sent her roses with a card joking about a conversation we had. She called immediately and profusely thanked me and told me how much she loved them. I think I made my interest in her pretty clear, and I just don't feel the reciprocity. Maybe, I'm used to women that are a little more open and up front? Maybe I made myself too available, when I was just trying to be sweet/romantic? Am I really being nutzo about this? Yes. You are really being nutzo. She's reciprocating, by everything you've said, but if she's not moving at exactly your pace, you're going to completely shut down and ignore her (which will get you precisely nowhere good). I'm not saying you have to go balls-out trying to win her, but why not keep seeing her and see what develops? It may be good to be cautious since she was missing her ex, but she may have also been missing the idea of her ex at that point (the 3 day FB post) more than the ex itself. She may or may not be in a frame of mind for a LTR. This is true of everyone in the entire world, and there are no "Safe" people out there. If there really are more clear signs than this that she's hung up on her ex, maybe it's more understandable, but you seem to be trying to convince this girl that she's hung up on her ex. What reason, besides a FB post, do you have to think so? How long ago did they break up? How did you "realize" this?
Author Forget About Her Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 Okay, thank you for making me feel like a jackass guys. I decided to just text her, and we are talking again. I'm a f'ing moron, thank you for helping me realize this. But what do you think of everything I've said so far, and about her intentions? She's difficult to read, I'm not used to being in the dark.
zengirl Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Okay, thank you for making me feel like a jackass guys. I decided to just text her, and we are talking again. I'm a f'ing moron, thank you for helping me realize this. But what do you think of everything I've said so far, and about her intentions? She's difficult to read, I'm not used to being in the dark. It is impossible to ever know what another person is thinking. Build your own feelings slowly, assert your own intentions, and hope for the best. That's all you can ever do. If things still don't work out, you'll know you did the best you could.
Author Forget About Her Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 Good advice, appreciate it!
Fire Salamander Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 (edited) It is impossible to ever know what another person is thinking. Build your own feelings slowly, assert your own intentions, and hope for the best. That's all you can ever do. If things still don't work out, you'll know you did the best you could. Right, just hope for the best and believe that's all you can ever do. Keep listening to this bad advice and see where it takes you OP. The date kind of took a turn for the worse earlier in the evening when I basically realized she was still a little hooked on her ex. She swore she wasn't, but it was pretty apparent she was. I kind of shut down at that point and was hoping she would just go home when we got back to my house (where her car was). She opted to come inside and wanted to hang out for a while. We ended up just watching another movie and cuddling the entire time. I'm not sure why I even initiated the cuddling at that point because the ex-bf thing kind of turned me off. So I didn't text her at all, all day. She texts me around 11pm (she's working tonight) and makes some small talk. She tells me about her day, and talks about her her her, which she is really good at. I told her I was going out of town next weekend and she started giving me one-word answers for a few texts, then we just stopped talking (no goodbye, no ttyl, nothing). So let me get this straight, she started to become unreceptive giving you monosyllabic responses? Then you went and re-initiated contact with her again? Not only that but, you realized she's still hung over her ex? You even said so yourself it was pretty apparent. You're rewarding her bad behavior with good. It may be good to be cautious since she was missing her ex, but she may have also been missing the idea of her ex at that point (the 3 day FB post) more than the ex itself. Let me ask you this OP, have you ever told someone you loved them, only to have them say.. You don't love me, you were only in love with the idea of loving me. What the hell kind of bull crap is that??! This is what listening to women's advice on dating gets you. Next time she starts to become unreceptive then you back off. Let her know you don't tolerate that kind of behavior. If you firmly believe she's still hung over her ex, then let her know you won't be anyone's patsy. Keep listening to bad advice and you'll see bad results indefinitely. Edited August 22, 2010 by Fire Salamander
Author Forget About Her Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 Right, just hope for the best and believe that's all you can ever do. Keep listening to this bad advice and see where it takes you OP. So let me get this straight, she started to become unreceptive giving you monosyllabic responses? Then you went and re-initiated contact with her again? Not only that but, you realized she's still hung over her ex? You even said so yourself it was pretty apparent. You're rewarding her bad behavior with good. Let me ask you this OP, have you ever told someone you loved them, only to have them say.. You don't love me, you were only in love with the idea of loving me. What the hell kind of bull crap is that??! This is what listening to women's advice on dating gets you. Next time she starts to become unreceptive then you back off. Let her know you don't tolerate that kind of behavior. If you firmly believe she's still hung over her ex, then let her know you won't be anyone's patsy. Keep listening to bad advice and you'll see bad results indefinitely. Okay, so I got a little update that may or may not change some people's views. We were texting back and forth for a while, I told her that I had a good time, blah blah. The conversation was going well, so I asked her if she wanted to go to a football game next Friday. She said, "I'll get back to you." WTF????? So I got a little sarcastic and basically told her: Me: "Yea, okay, you just go ahead and let me know, I'll be waiting by the phone." Her: "let me know if someone takes the spot before I give you an answer so I don't have to sit around contemplating for no reason...k thanks". Me: Riiiiight. Consider the spot taken, but you can continue the contemplation if you like. Her: You filled it that fast...cool Me: Nah, but we haven't been chillen long enouh for drawn out acceptances of date offers. I think your an awesome chick, but time waits for no man (or woman) She hasn't written back. I think at this point, she's not really serious and just kind of ****ing around. I mean, if you were really interested, especially at the start of something, you are like dying to go out with that person again. **** her, she's hot, but I'm no one's b*tch.
that girl Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Okay, so I got a little update that may or may not change some people's views. We were texting back and forth for a while, I told her that I had a good time, blah blah. The conversation was going well, so I asked her if she wanted to go to a football game next Friday. She said, "I'll get back to you." WTF????? So I got a little sarcastic and basically told her: Me: "Yea, okay, you just go ahead and let me know, I'll be waiting by the phone." Her: "let me know if someone takes the spot before I give you an answer so I don't have to sit around contemplating for no reason...k thanks". Me: Riiiiight. Consider the spot taken, but you can continue the contemplation if you like. Her: You filled it that fast...cool Me: Nah, but we haven't been chillen long enouh for drawn out acceptances of date offers. I think your an awesome chick, but time waits for no man (or woman) She hasn't written back. I think at this point, she's not really serious and just kind of ****ing around. I mean, if you were really interested, especially at the start of something, you are like dying to go out with that person again. **** her, she's hot, but I'm no one's b*tch. You sound like a childish jerk. She needed to check her schedule- totally reasonable. It seems like she wanted to go. Rather than saying "Get back to me by Tuesday or I'll ask someone else," you pull this whole drama king routine. Apparently no one can ask to check their schedule, they have to be immediately avaliable or you throw a hissy. Maybe she isn't over her ex, maybe she is, but you're coming off way worse than her.
zengirl Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Okay, so I got a little update that may or may not change some people's views. We were texting back and forth for a while, I told her that I had a good time, blah blah. The conversation was going well, so I asked her if she wanted to go to a football game next Friday. She said, "I'll get back to you." WTF????? So I got a little sarcastic and basically told her: Me: "Yea, okay, you just go ahead and let me know, I'll be waiting by the phone." Her: "let me know if someone takes the spot before I give you an answer so I don't have to sit around contemplating for no reason...k thanks". Me: Riiiiight. Consider the spot taken, but you can continue the contemplation if you like. Her: You filled it that fast...cool Me: Nah, but we haven't been chillen long enouh for drawn out acceptances of date offers. I think your an awesome chick, but time waits for no man (or woman) She hasn't written back. I think at this point, she's not really serious and just kind of ****ing around. I mean, if you were really interested, especially at the start of something, you are like dying to go out with that person again. **** her, she's hot, but I'm no one's b*tch. Congratulations: You entered passive aggressive land. Yes, if she goes out with you now, I'd question the relationship. I don't go out with passive aggressive fellows. Though it sounds like actually you got PA, she did too a bit. An alternate way to handle this would've been (after she said she'd get back to you) to say, "Sure. Let me know." And go about your life. Maybe she really didn't know about her plans. Maybe she wasn't interested in you. Maybe your arguments and dissonance have already been wearing on her, as it sounds like you've engaged in other PA behavior. Make other plans if you want. If she gets back to you too late, say, "Sorry, I made other plans. I hadn't heard from you, but we can do such-and-such another time instead." I'm not saying invest majorly in anyone who may or may not be interested, but there's no need to approach it like a battle. It really isn't. Some people will flake. Some will even be malicious. Some will just be incompatible. Some will fall in love with others. All of this is unavoidable. Creating a more negative sphere for yourself by forming attachments too early or making too much of small things is entirely avoidable. I'm not saying sit around waiting by the phone --- quite the opposite --- but make intentions clear, don't overdo it, and wait to see what happens. Being passive aggressive or defensive in life really isn't going to make most people happy.
Author Forget About Her Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 Lol, call me what you will, but she is playing games and is not interested. Number deleted, on to the next one.
Fire Salamander Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 So I didn't text her at all, all day. She texts me around 11pm (she's working tonight) and makes some small talk. She tells me about her day, and talks about her her her, which she is really good at. I told her I was going out of town next weekend and she started giving me one-word answers for a few texts, then we just stopped talking (no goodbye, no ttyl, nothing). When she starts talking about her day, you don't respond. If It's something relevant pertaining to the both of you, then you respond. Such instances may include... "Why are you ignoring me?" "Can we meet up and talk?" etc... How were you so oblivious to her petty attempts? Evidently she was only checking to see if you were on the hook. It's okay man we all make mistakes. Especially under really bad guidance. But hey, at least you hoped for the best and know you did the best you could right? WRONG
Author Forget About Her Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 Yea, looking back I feel the women in this thread may be slightly gener biased. I don't feel I was being passive aggressive at all, given the totality of the situation. I already know her schedule, we had already talked about her not having any plans for next friday (prior), and she has been playing f'ing games basically since I met her. I kind of had a feeling of being used, but I wanted to see where it went. I'm trusting my gut on this one. She wasn't into me, it's only been a week, so it's obviously easy to just cut ties. I think I did the right thing.
Fire Salamander Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 You sound like a childish jerk. She needed to check her schedule- totally reasonable. It seems like she wanted to go. Rather than saying "Get back to me by Tuesday or I'll ask someone else," you pull this whole drama king routine. Apparently no one can ask to check their schedule, they have to be immediately avaliable or you throw a hissy. Maybe she isn't over her ex, maybe she is, but you're coming off way worse than her. Wow even more bad advice. OP please learn for future scenarios. If someone is interested they will make time. Tell me, if someone you're interested in asked you out, how would you respond? Let me get back to you.. NO If I don't have any plans I'd book Friday night. Anyone else trying to make plans afterwards will get the let me get back to you spiel. If she was truly busy then she would have said sorry I can't, but let's get together another time. How about Tuesday? The fact that she just told you let me get back to you screams she's not interested. Don't listen to this crappy advice OP! You even said it yourself. If you're genuinely interested would you give a half ass response like that?
that girl Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Lol, call me what you will, but she is playing games and is not interested. Number deleted, on to the next one. Do you read a lot of dating advice for men? Sometimes I see men's dating advice and think "Man, this crap is going to make a lot of guys undatable." Regardless of whatever else is going on with the ex and her texting about her day, you have no right to expect she will immediately accept a date. People have jobs and prior engagements. Sometimes they need to make sure they aren't busy. You have a right to set a deadline for their answer, if you're talking about a date 5+ days in advance that deadline should be at least a day or two later. You really are the one coming off as a controlling, neurotic putz in this situation, not her. When she starts talking about her day, you don't respond. If It's something relevant pertaining to the both of you, then you respond. Such instances may include... "Why are you ignoring me?" "Can we meet up and talk?" etc... This is insane and only desperate girls would put up with it.
Author Forget About Her Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 See my previous post at the bottom of the first page...Basically, lesson learned! No harm, no foul, just a few $$$ out of my wallet for an experience and life lesson. I'll take it!
that girl Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Wow even more bad advice. OP please learn for future scenarios. If someone is interested they will make time. Tell me, if someone you're interested in asked you out, how would you respond? Let me get back to you.. NO If I don't have any plans I'd book Friday night. Anyone else trying to make plans afterwards will get the let me get back to you spiel. If she was truly busy then she would have said sorry I can't, but let's get together another time. How about Tuesday? The fact that she just told you let me get back to you screams she's not interested. Don't listen to this crappy advice OP! You even said it yourself. If you're genuinely interested would you give a half ass response like that? I have friends. I have a family I like. I have a 9-5 job but in the past I've had some jobs where after 5pm and weekend hours were common. Sometimes I promise weeks in advance to babysit my nieces or I have a bachelorette party. I usually write these appointments on the calendar in my kitchen. So if someone I really liked asked me to go to a game on a Friday night, I might have to check my schedule. I wouldn't immediately suggest another date because "let me check my schedule" isn't a no. If I realized I had plans already, I would then suggest another date. If I wasn't interested in the guy, I would just say no, I'm busy.
Author Forget About Her Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 I understand what you are saying, but I just don't think you are grasping the totality of the situation here. It appeared to me before this conversation that she might have been playing games/uninterested, and the manner in which this went down just kind of reaffirmed it. It's not a big deal, but I'm not into that ****. If I don't like a chick, I make it simple, and it's not like I had any emotional investment in her to begin with.
that girl Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I already know her schedule, we had already talked about her not having any plans for next friday. This is a vital piece of information, if it was in one of the other posts, it was buried. But still, your texts just made you sound like a jerk.
Fire Salamander Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Do you read a lot of dating advice for men? Sometimes I see men's dating advice and think "Man, this crap is going to make a lot of guys undatable." How has listening to women's advice on dating gotten you so far OP? Regardless of whatever else is going on with the ex and her texting about her day, you have no right to expect she will immediately accept a date. People have jobs and prior engagements. Sometimes they need to make sure they aren't busy. You have a right to set a deadline for their answer, if you're talking about a date 5+ days in advance that deadline should be at least a day or two later. People should know if they work or have prior engagements. If something comes up she'll let you know then offer an alternative night, if she's interested. Either that or she would have said I'd love to go but I'm not sure if I'm able to yet. Quote:When she starts talking about her day, you don't respond. If It's something relevant pertaining to the both of you, then you respond. Such instances may include... "Why are you ignoring me?" "Can we meet up and talk?" etc... Keep in mind that this isn't in context. If some girl is jerking you around (while still being hung on her ex) then becomes unreceptive of you... Now It's in context You're really going to sit there and listen to her talk about her day? That's like getting into an argument with someone then pretending it never happened. Whatever issues you had during the argument, that person thinks they can do it again. Because after all I'll just act like it didn't happen. By responding, you're telling her It's okay to let her treat you like that.
zengirl Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Yea, looking back I feel the women in this thread may be slightly gener biased. I don't feel I was being passive aggressive at all, given the totality of the situation. I already know her schedule, we had already talked about her not having any plans for next friday (prior), and she has been playing f'ing games basically since I met her. I kind of had a feeling of being used, but I wanted to see where it went. I'm trusting my gut on this one. She wasn't into me, it's only been a week, so it's obviously easy to just cut ties. I think I did the right thing. It's fine to walk away if a situation isn't making you happy. But I remember a female on the board doing something similar (making it about her perception of the man's issues and interest level, rather than her own feelings) and I said the same thing. Nothing to do with gender. It has everything to do with personal responsibility. Own your own feelings and actions. If you like someone, pursue it. If you don't like someone or they're making you more unhappy than happy, don't. You were creating needless cognitive dissonance by expecting her to act/respond/behave on your timetables and blaming her when she didn't. It's fine to have standards and points where it becomes not worth pursuing. It's silly to be passive aggressive about it, like you were. And getting sarcastic or being all "Consider the spot taken" is passive aggression. None of this is saying that the girl was awesome. Just that it doesn't matter how the other person behaves. If they behave in a way that bothers you enough to not see them again, then don't see them. But don't make it about their interest, their ex-hangups, or anything but the fact that it just isn't making you happy.
Fire Salamander Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I understand what you are saying, but I just don't think you are grasping the totality of the situation here. It appeared to me before this conversation that she might have been playing games/uninterested, and the manner in which this went down just kind of reaffirmed it. It's not a big deal, but I'm not into that ****. If I don't like a chick, I make it simple, and it's not like I had any emotional investment in her to begin with. We didn't need to know it appeared to you before this conversation she might have been playing games. Her actions we're already telling us what's going on.
Author Forget About Her Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 Fair enough Zengirl. Rergardless of the reasoning, then, I feel I made the right choice for myself.
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