beatific Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Hello everyone! I typed in my question on goggle and it brought me here so I'm a first time poster! I will try and keep it direct and to the point. I recently began dating a guy that I met on a dating site. The is the first time I have ever dated someone that I didn't already know or know of prior, so it's been great getting to know someone from scratch, to actually ask a question and truly not know the answer. I am 22 now, and back when I was a teenager I had relationships with two females. One was very short-lived but the other lasted nearly two years and was pretty serious (we moved in together at 17). I've since moved on from that period in my life and have no desires to be with a woman again. I've never been ashamed or tried to hide that part of my relationship history and pretty much everyone who knows me, knows about those relationships, except this guy. Anyone I've dated since those two relationships was already aware of this, so I've never really had to deal with telling them. He's a great guy, but he is pretty reserved and very selective with women he chooses to date. I'm scared that this fact may turn him away from me. I have considered just not telling him altogether. We have already briefly discussed our past relationships, like why they ended, but I haven't specified gender. My only worry with that is there are a few people in my group of friends (not really friends of mine, but we share mutual friends) that are real sh*t disturbers and constantly look for ways to stir up some drama or make things awkward in a group setting. This would be a perfect subject for them to bring up in my guy's presence. I would really prefer he hear it from me first. I feel so torn. I've always been about full disclosure so nothing comes back to blow up in my face (and also because I've never felt like I have something to hide), but I'm really scared he's going to get the wrong idea of me or worry that I will wake up one day yearning to be with a woman instead of him. I guess it goes back to the saying "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." Any thoughts? Should I tell him or shouldn't I?
Forget About Her Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 You should only tell him if you want him to think you are the coolest chick in the entire f'ing world!
Author beatific Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 Also hoping he doesn't think this is a green light to a threesome haha. Though I would prefer he think I'm awesome for it!
zengirl Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I don't talk about past relationships terribly early in general, but I don't think it's something you should hide perse. It should come out naturally, as something that's just who you are and a part of yourself you're comfortable with. Some fellows might be intimidated by it, or upset by it on a moral/religious level, or curious by it, or not care at all. It's going to depend. But I think hiding large parts of yourself is never a good policy. I don't think it should be a Sit Down Let's Talk kind of confession. It's not a dirty secret. It's just a part of who you are.
Author beatific Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 I don't talk about past relationships terribly early in general, but I don't think it's something you should hide perse. It should come out naturally, as something that's just who you are and a part of yourself you're comfortable with. Some fellows might be intimidated by it, or upset by it on a moral/religious level, or curious by it, or not care at all. It's going to depend. But I think hiding large parts of yourself is never a good policy. I don't think it should be a Sit Down Let's Talk kind of confession. It's not a dirty secret. It's just a part of who you are. I agree, everything has progressed naturally between us thus far at a pace we both feel comfortable with. I would probably have no problems letting him know when the time's right or whenever it comes up, but I guess the reason I am starting to panic is because he is meeting that group of friends next weekend and there's a very real chance it will be brought up then. Thank you for your advice, it is really appreciated. I think I need to relax a little haha.
alexlakeman Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 He'll either think you are the hottest chic in the world, like someone said, or if he's a prude he will be grossed out and launch you.. .F'k it tell, him,... omg, that would be veryyyyyyyyyyyyy hot to most guys, trust me... imagine the sexual fantasies, the foreplay, ahhhh ... I've gotten turned on when my ex flirted with her female freind..
alyssatranswarrior Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 (edited) Err well if you used your eyes instead of your crotch to type your message, you would notice the OP made it clear she isn't into women as a sexual option now, and wouldn't WANT the BF to believe she is bi and threesome ready. If he truly thinks she is the hottest chic in the world after explaining it how she explained it here, he'd be seen by me to be a freakin moron, insensitive (considering it seems the OP hated living with women enough to be straight-minded again as an adult) and thinking only with his crotch also Some people need to READ threads Edited August 22, 2010 by alyssatranswarrior
TaurusTerp Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Err well if you used your eyes instead of your crotch to type your message, you would notice the OP made it clear she isn't into women as a sexual option now, and wouldn't WANT the BF to believe she is bi and threesome ready. If he truly thinks she is the hottest chic in the world after explaining it how she explained it here, he'd be seen by me to be a freakin moron, insensitive (considering it seems the OP hated living with women enough to be straight-minded again as an adult) and thinking only with his crotch also Some people need to READ threads Sorry we're not capable of thinking about anything except girl on girl action now.
carhill Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Any thoughts? Should I tell him or shouldn't I? Since you've 'moved on', disclosure would be consistent with whatever criteria you use for such, regarding past relationships/sexual partners. If you're totally disclosed, do that. Selectively, do that. Non-disclosed (past isn't anyone else's business), do that. Hope it works out
Art_Critic Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 You should only tell him if you want him to think you are the coolest chick in the entire f'ing world! Also hoping he doesn't think this is a green light to a threesome haha. Though I would prefer he think I'm awesome for it! The top quote will no doubt lead to the bottom quote.. No.. you don't tell.. There will come a time in your relationship that the right time to tell will come but it isn't now..
amymarieca Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 I don't really believe in being dishonest with people, but I have to make an exception for this one. I am a bisexual female, and every time I've told a guy about my past, they see me in a totally different light. Many people think that a guy would see this as hot, but in fact they stop seeing me as girlfriend material and just think I'm all about having fun. Also, they will bring up the threesome idea more than once. Guys seem to think that your sexual preference becomes their way of getting pleasure, when in fact it is not about them at all. I've learned to just keep this a secret until I get really serious with a guy. I think you should too, especially since you aren't even attracted to girls anymore.
Author beatific Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 Since you've 'moved on', disclosure would be consistent with whatever criteria you use for such, regarding past relationships/sexual partners. If you're totally disclosed, do that. Selectively, do that. Non-disclosed (past isn't anyone else's business), do that. Hope it works out Thanks carhill I hope it works out also. If or when the topic comes up again later on I've decided I will tell him. Lying or withholding information doesn't sit well with me. All I can hope for is a mature response from him that doesn't involve sexual assumptions with the little head or worrying/feeling jealous with the big head.
Author beatific Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 There will come a time in your relationship that the right time to tell will come but it isn't now.. Thanks Art I feel the same way. I've decided to wait until the topic comes up again and the timing is right to tell him. Telling him too soon before he knows me well enough could lead to false assumptions. I just truly hope those idiots in my group of friends don't force my hand this weekend.
Author beatific Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 I am a bisexual female, and every time I've told a guy about my past, they see me in a totally different light. I know what you mean. I hope that eventually who I dated between the ages of 16-19 won't hold as much importance, but right now given that I'm still in my early 20's and the last couple of men I have dated (including my current guy) are a couple years younger than myself- it matters to them.
Recommended Posts