kaytee613 Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 My b/f and I just moved in together. We haven't been dating very long, but we both needed to move out of where we were living. Anyway, I am over my head in frustration and am starting to think this relationship is going to end before it begins. First of all, we are total opposites in our vulnerabilities. I feel most vulnerable when it comes to physical touch; he feels most vulnerable when opening up about anything. He gets so upset because I do not want to cuddle or hug and kiss all the time. I've tried to explain to him that in order to be physically intimate, I need emtional and mental intimacy. How can I be attracted to someone that I have no communication with? He was abused as a child and by his late wife, so I am sure I am dealing with some depression. We moved in together after only dating for like 2 weeks, which I know in itself is crazy, but I needed to get out on my own. Guess I should've started with a roommate.... Anyway, I am not going to say everything is his fault. I am loud and sometimes very opinionated, which I guess isn't necessarily a good match for him. He is ALWAYS telling me "it's your tone, not what you say" whenever I say anything. He says I have an attitude even when I don't. I feel like he internalizes EVERYTHING. Yes, maybe I am opinionated, but he's entitled to have an opinion too. Basically, I can get upset about something (mood swings), but instead of taking it out on him, I'll walk outside and have a cig. I'm fine when I come back in. Thing is, it doesn't work that way for him. Let's say I get upset about 1 thing and walk outside to think about why it bothers me, then I come back inside. We resume normal living for a couple hours, then he will appear distraught. I will ask him what is wrong and he'll say "nothing" since he doesn't open up at all most of the time. When I finally drag something out of him, he'll say "you've had an attitude all night," referring to several hours before when I had walked outside. On the opposite of that whenever I say "thank you for cooking" or anything else nice, he minimizes it. It's like he only sees things that make him feel bad, as if he is not worthy of anything good. This is driving me nuts!!!! He won't talk to me unless he can be touching me. (His comfort zone) I'm not comfortable letting him touch me when I hardly know him. I mean....I know him, but not intimately. How can I be attracted to touch someone that I don't know? Another example of an issue we had was the other day we were talking about hanging out on the couch and watching tv together in OUR place. A friend of mine called who doesn't own a car and had a ride and wanted to come visit when I got off of work. I figured it would be cool. I mean, we live together and it's not like we had dinner plans. We were just going to be chilling. We see each other everyday. Anyway, his feelings got hurt and he told me that he felt like I was just "throwing him to the side" for my friend? I mean, are you serious? It's not like I went somewhere or told him he couldn't chill too...... Someone please help!!! He is a great guy and really cares for me. He would give me the world, but I am not sure I know how to deal with the oversensitivity and neediness. This relationship is way toooooooo mentally taxing. In normal circumstances I would just give up because his insecurities and mental health issues are not my responsibility, especially after dating for only a month, but we do live together and I can't make it on my own at the apartment, so I am willing to put in extra effort, but have no clue how to deal with this.
sugarmomma Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 You should go and find a roommate. How do you move in with a stranger after two weeks?? Of course he wants to have sex. He thinks you two are gf/bf. While you are there you should pay attention to your tone since you both have to respect eachother in order to live together.
alexlakeman Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Cliff's notes? I just read you don't want to cuddle and need emotional intimacy.. how long did you know each other b4 moving in? So it was just a matter of cpnvinience.. .If I was him I would dump your azzz.. Who's name is on the lease? Who put the deposit down? ... What are you giving him? Sex, love, etc, cooking, cleaning, etc????
Author kaytee613 Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 Cliff's notes? I just read you don't want to cuddle and need emotional intimacy.. how long did you know each other b4 moving in? So it was just a matter of cpnvinience.. .If I was him I would dump your azzz.. Who's name is on the lease? Who put the deposit down? ... What are you giving him? Sex, love, etc, cooking, cleaning, etc???? As a matter of fact, yes this was a matter of convienence for both of us. Both names are on the lease, and I put down all of the deposit. He hasn't had to pay anything yet. So by all means, I am not using him. We take turns cooking and cleaning. I want to see where this goes, but there has to be some type of communication. It's not that I have a problem with cuddling, but how am I supposed to feel close to someone that doesn't talk to me?
Author kaytee613 Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 Well, he wasn't a total stranger. We dated for almost a year once, but that was 13 years ago. I thought things would be better than what they are as we never even had one argument in all the time we dated.....
xpaperxcutx Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 You guys are going too fast. You haven't (re) establish any sort of stable ground yet and are already living together. From what I can tell there is a severe communication problem here. The both of you need to establish some sort of boundaries and understanding.
alyssatranswarrior Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Ask him to seek therapy, NICELY ask without the tone (women need to know when to own up to using the victim tone), to deal with his abused childhood. Tell him "I may be making you feel *a certain way whatever you feel appropriate here* _______ when we fight, but you are shutting me out and it is because of your past not because of me. You are not willing or able to open up and give me mental love, so I am not eager to touch and show physical love. I want to be able to know you even better." As simple as that, no victim bs. Both of you are a bit sensitive in my view. Both need to concede some ground on the sensitivity turf. Approach it like this, with your want to try harder and it could work. Therapy or the imposing of your basic needs could bring him around. Least I hope so for your sake. Good luck.
dispatch3d Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 why are you dating a guy who needs therapy if you can instead date a guy who doesn't? Obviously it was a terrible idea to move in to dating him after dating him for 2 weeks but I didn't need to tell you that.
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