I think my view on love is affecting my dating prospects/life

[Raderick]

I think I posted this here one time or another, but my belief is that love is eternal; if it's not eternal, it's not love, but merely lust. I thought that I loved a few people in life, only for them to stab me in the back. All of my ex's now have less, or no impact on my present state of life.

 

You go in with someone, get presents, give presents, have sex, show affection, be there for your SO in their time of need for a while, and you're out - That's not my ideal reflection on love.

 

With that said, I know that dating should be fun, outgoing, exciting, etc. etc., but I feel that I'm going in with the idea that I'm most likely not going to land the woman I'm going out with. All of my friends also had failed relationships, as has I, but I feel that I'm going to fall into the trap once again that I might fall in love with someone, only for one reason or another be betrayed upon.

 

Thoughts?

[denise_xo]

Why do we have to look at it as failed relationships? Can we rather see it as 'wonderful time spent with amazing people' - and then be grateful and move on? I see that this doesn't apply if someone treats you like crap, but as human beings we're so often set upon one goal, and don't appreciate everything that the journey towards that goal brings with it.

 

Nothing is eternal in life, except suffering

[Raderick]

Why do we have to look at it as failed relationships? Can we rather see it as 'wonderful time spent with amazing people' - and then be grateful and move on?

 

Time wasted that I could have spent finding someone I could spend the rest of my life with.

[zengirl]

Before I even read it, my response to the title is, "I'm sure it is." Whether it's impacting you negatively or positively or how, I didn't know yet, but of course your view of love is impacting your dating life!

 

I think I posted this here one time or another, but my belief is that love is eternal; if it's not eternal, it's not love, but merely lust. I thought that I loved a few people in life, only for them to stab me in the back. All of my ex's now have less, or no impact on my present state of life.

 

So, you believe that a feeling can be unfelt later. Which essentially boils down to calling your old self delusional. Not uncommon. I don't get it, personally, but lots of people think this way. I understand how being unlucky in love could cause cognitive dissonance when you believe this. People also confuse love with mutual love. You can love someone and they can hurt you, even maliciously. But someone who loves you won't hurt you maliciously. Just because someone did not love you does not mean you didn't love them; it perhaps means you "shouldn't" have loved them, in a way, though I don't believe in loving with expectation personally. It definitely means you should have picked better, but, as I recall you're really young and have plenty of time to learn how to do that.

 

You go in with someone, get presents, give presents, have sex, show affection, be there for your SO in their time of need for a while, and you're out - That's not my ideal reflection on love.

 

A few things:

 

1. Expecting "love" to always look the same is a recipe for disappointment.

 

2. I think the thread here about "What is love?" where people state love is a choice makes a really good point. We choose who we love. (We don't choose who loves us.)

 

3. That said, I think boiling down a relationship to this is interesting. Besides "lasting forever" -- which we know every relationship is not going to do, though many people hope to find one that will (and I think that's reasonable) what IS your view of how you want love to manifest? Talking about what you don't like and don't want is usually less productive than talking about what you want.

 

With that said, I know that dating should be fun, outgoing, exciting, etc. etc., but I feel that I'm going in with the idea that I'm most likely not going to land the woman I'm going out with. All of my friends also had failed relationships, as has I, but I feel that I'm going to fall into the trap once again that I might fall in love with someone, only for one reason or another be betrayed upon.

 

I think people need to learn to be more discriminating about who they love, but then when they love, love more freely. People do just the opposite; they don't do the discriminating early enough----then they are so picky and fussy with their love.

 

I'm not saying discriminate before you even date, but understand that loving someone is a choice. It's not something that just "happens to us." If you believe love happens to you and life happens to you, you're going to seek control in unhealthy ways because you've given up the natural power that was healthy and yours. To succeed at almost anything in life, failure has to be okay. We all have to kiss a lot of frogs. The fact that something might not work out is no reason not to try; now, going out with someone you already know is not going to be SO prospect when that's what you want sounds needlessly frustrating, but the whole point of dating and even many parts of the relationship stage are to see if they are someone we can love or form a strong bond with or build a great relationship with.

[Sabali]

I am of the thought that your loss is far greater if you avoid relationships and a bond that can develop between two individuals. It's life. These experiences is what makes being alive great.

 

I can look back on all my relationships and see some good memories and experiences that shaped me for the better. It's all about the journey. I agree completely with Denise.

 

You can look at it as time wasted that could have been used looking for someone that you could spend the rest of your life with but do not fall into that trap of circular reasoning. It takes the wisdom gained from your experience from dating the people that you "wasted your time with" that makes you the desirable person that the one you can spend the rest of your life with will want to be with.

[Raderick]

So, you believe that a feeling can be unfelt later. Which essentially boils down to calling your old self delusional. Not uncommon. I don't get it, personally, but lots of people think this way.

 

I'm not saying this. I am saying that what I felt, and I'm sure others, was not love at all, based on my feelings on it. A lot of feelings can be disguised as something else, but love surely was not it.

 

I understand how being unlucky in love could cause cognitive dissonance when you believe this. People also confuse love with mutual love. You can love someone and they can hurt you, even maliciously. But someone who loves you won't hurt you maliciously. Just because someone did not love you does not mean you didn't love them; it perhaps means you "shouldn't" have loved them, in a way, though I don't believe in loving with expectation personally. It definitely means you should have picked better, but, as I recall you're really young and have plenty of time to learn how to do that.

 

A few things:

 

1. Expecting "love" to always look the same is a recipe for disappointment.

 

2. I think the thread here about "What is love?" where people state love is a choice makes a really good point. We choose who we love. (We don't choose who loves us.)

 

3. That said, I think boiling down a relationship to this is interesting. Besides "lasting forever" -- which we know every relationship is not going to do, though many people hope to find one that will (and I think that's reasonable) what IS your view of how you want love to manifest? Talking about what you don't like and don't want is usually less productive than talking about what you want.

 

 

 

I think people need to learn to be more discriminating about who they love, but then when they love, love more freely. People do just the opposite; they don't do the discriminating early enough----then they are so picky and fussy with their love.

 

I'm not saying discriminate before you even date, but understand that loving someone is a choice. It's not something that just "happens to us." If you believe love happens to you and life happens to you, you're going to seek control in unhealthy ways because you've given up the natural power that was healthy and yours. To succeed at almost anything in life, failure has to be okay. We all have to kiss a lot of frogs. The fact that something might not work out is no reason not to try; now, going out with someone you already know is not going to be SO prospect when that's what you want sounds needlessly frustrating, but the whole point of dating and even many parts of the relationship stage are to see if they are someone we can love or form a strong bond with or build a great relationship with.

 

First, I turn 23 in 6 days.

 

Well, I believe in love after expectations have been met, and that I get a feeling that, well, can't either be explained nor duplicated. However I feel this is horribly challenged because in my age bracket, and this is true with the majority of people I know, it seems that people are looking to **** first, think second, gain feelings third. This is in part why I think dating is ass-backwards and why I hate the concept with a passion. There has to be some middle ground, right? I feel that this is why I've already set myself up for failure in the first place.

Edited August 21, 2010 by Raderick

[jamesum]

Love is chemical reaction people. Its not some metaphysical phenomenon. If you had no brain, you wont feel love.

[You'reasian]

I think I posted this here one time or another, but my belief is that love is eternal; if it's not eternal, it's not love, but merely lust. I thought that I loved a few people in life, only for them to stab me in the back. All of my ex's now have less, or no impact on my present state of life.

 

You go in with someone, get presents, give presents, have sex, show affection, be there for your SO in their time of need for a while, and you're out - That's not my ideal reflection on love.

 

With that said, I know that dating should be fun, outgoing, exciting, etc. etc., but I feel that I'm going in with the idea that I'm most likely not going to land the woman I'm going out with. All of my friends also had failed relationships, as has I, but I feel that I'm going to fall into the trap once again that I might fall in love with someone, only for one reason or another be betrayed upon.

 

Thoughts?

 

Non-native Englsih speaker??

[Raderick]

Non-native Englsih speaker??

 

Grammatical mishap (guilty as charged for making many, it's a message board after all) and you only have X amount of time to make corrections on this forum. The consequences of not using Microsoft Word.

[zengirl]

I'm not saying this. I am saying that what I felt, and I'm sure others, was not love at all, based on my feelings on it. A lot of feelings can be disguised as something else, but love surely was not it.

 

Yes, if you misidentified the feeling that was disguised as "love," you are now saying you were previously deluded. That's precisely what I mean. You're saying that your feelings at that point weren't valid. You have since invalidated them. I think that's okay now and again at your age, but as a persistent habit leads to crippling self-doubt. We learn, but we are always perfect at being where we are. Your feelings were identified at the time, and they were perfect for your understanding of love at that time. Why re-write it?

 

First, I turn 23 in 6 days.

 

Not that young, but not long out of college, right? For those that go to college, I consider adulthood generally be judged in years out of college. I'm only 25 (almost 26. . . meh) but I've been out of college for almost 5 years. I don't know; this is just what I've found. My friends who graduated later seem to have evolved, after college, at pretty much the same pacing as me. Dating outside of college is nothing like dating in college.

 

Well, I believe in love after expectations have been met, and that I get a feeling that, well, can't either be explained nor duplicated. However I feel this is horribly challenged because in my age bracket, and this is true with the majority of people I know, it seems that people are looking to **** first, think second, gain feelings third. This is in part why I think dating is ass-backwards and why I hate the concept with a passion. There has to be some middle ground, right? I feel that this is why I've already set myself up for failure in the first place.

 

Actually, that is generally how I think dating works, minus the screwing.

 

I think the connection should be Physical Intellectual Emotional, in that order, though by Physical, I mean attraction, not total action (sex). I don't have sex until all three have been satisfied. I once had sex with a fellow after awhile but before Emotional had been satisfied. We dated for awhile too. Good enough fellow but worst relationship I ever had.

[Raderick]

Yes, if you misidentified the feeling that was disguised as "love," you are now saying you were previously deluded. That's precisely what I mean. You're saying that your feelings at that point weren't valid. You have since invalidated them. I think that's okay now and again at your age, but as a persistent habit leads to crippling self-doubt. We learn, but we are always perfect at being where we are. Your feelings were identified at the time, and they were perfect for your understanding of love at that time. Why re-write it?

 

I don't think my age, or person, or experience has anything to do with it. I think my feelings on it is a very blanket statement. I probably do sound really delusional about it, but I wouldn't leave someone I would love, and I don't see why someone would leave their SO if they love them.

 

 

Not that young, but not long out of college, right? For those that go to college, I consider adulthood generally be judged in years out of college. I'm only 25 (almost 26. . . meh) but I've been out of college for almost 5 years. I don't know; this is just what I've found. My friends who graduated later seem to have evolved, after college, at pretty much the same pacing as me. Dating outside of college is nothing like dating in college.

 

I obtained my Associates last year (could have gone without it since I started my current job while I was in school, but that's for another time and day) but I am considering going back to school in 2011. Usually I'm forced to attempt to date women that are still in college; women my age or even just a bit older tend to shut me down 99.9999999% of the time.

 

Actually, that is generally how I think dating works, minus the screwing.

 

I think the connection should be Physical Intellectual Emotional, in that order, though by Physical, I mean attraction, not total action (sex). I don't have sex until all three have been satisfied. I once had sex with a fellow after awhile but before Emotional had been satisfied. We dated for awhile too. Good enough fellow but worst relationship I ever had.

 

For each their own, I suppose.

[denise_xo]

Time wasted that I could have spent finding someone I could spend the rest of my life with.

 

Well, that's my point exactly.

[zengirl]

I don't think my age, or person, or experience has anything to do with it. I think my feelings on it is a very blanket statement. I probably do sound really delusional about it, but I wouldn't leave someone I would love, and I don't see why someone would leave their SO if they love them.

 

If you'd like me to not excuse any of it with your age, I'm happy not to. I was just trying to be kind about it. There are a few points here, as my original point had little to do with the leaving or breaking down of things.

 

The first point remains: It was simply if you called something "love" at the time, why re-write your feelings based on results. Love is not a result. It is an action. The phrase "I thought I was in love" is strange to me; I remember a TV or movie scene --- I wish I could recall where --- where two characters are having a conversation and one person says this, and the other person points out, "But that's all love is---it's just thoughts. So, isn't thinking you're in love the same as being in love." The idea that we delude ourselves to being in love and then return to some sort of reality strikes me as a needless attack on ourselves later.

 

As for the leaving: I've left someone I loved. I chose to love them, and I chose to either stop loving them or start loving them in a different way, because I realized that they were not good for my long-term fulfillment and happiness and/or I was not good for theirs. This is painful, and it generally isn't malicious. I agree that those who are malicious are generally not in love. Maybe they chose to stop loving long before choosing to leave or maybe they never loved you. But either way, another person's choice not to love you doesn't invalidate your choice to love them. It just makes it painful. It doesn't make it less true.

 

If you look at any of your time as wasted, then it is. But you can choose not to do this. You're only wasting your time if you know better and are actively pursuing something counter intuitive to what you want. If you didn't know better, you were learning to know better next time.

[BobSacamento]

I think I posted this here one time or another, but my belief is that love is eternal; if it's not eternal, it's not love, but merely lust. I thought that I loved a few people in life, only for them to stab me in the back. All of my ex's now have less, or no impact on my present state of life.

 

You go in with someone, get presents, give presents, have sex, show affection, be there for your SO in their time of need for a while, and you're out - That's not my ideal reflection on love.

 

With that said, I know that dating should be fun, outgoing, exciting, etc. etc., but I feel that I'm going in with the idea that I'm most likely not going to land the woman I'm going out with. All of my friends also had failed relationships, as has I, but I feel that I'm going to fall into the trap once again that I might fall in love with someone, only for one reason or another be betrayed upon.

 

Thoughts?

 

I think the majority of people feel the same way as you do in some form or another. You can't know everything. Dating has so much mystery and unknown that it probably scares a lot of people. That's the way you come off right now - scared. But everyone feels that a little bit. However, you need to balance that fear with the all the other stuff you mentioned - fun, outgoing, exciting, etc.

 

You have to take a leap of faith and jump in. Do you honestly think people who are in happy relationships do not experience some form of pain from time to time?

 

Your post lacks a lot of personal responsibility btw. That comes off to me as only one thing - suspicious.

[Raderick]

I think the majority of people feel the same way as you do in some form or another. You can't know everything. Dating has so much mystery and unknown that it probably scares a lot of people. That's the way you come off right now - scared. But everyone feels that a little bit. However, you need to balance that fear with the all the other stuff you mentioned - fun, outgoing, exciting, etc.

 

You have to take a leap of faith and jump in. Do you honestly think people who are in happy relationships do not experience some form of pain from time to time?

 

Your post lacks a lot of personal responsibility btw. That comes off to me as only one thing - suspicious.

 

Eh, I can totally see where what I said could become suspicious, but my dating/relationship background consists of either being cheated on, or being dumped on Christmas Day (a day I once held sacred to myself, not anymore) by an evangelical Christian that put an emotional and psychological beating on me because I didn't believe the same religion she did. I thought I loved them all at one point, and they all say they loved me back, but I highly doubt they would love me if they decided to do what they did.

[Raderick]

If you'd like me to not excuse any of it with your age, I'm happy not to. I was just trying to be kind about it. There are a few points here, as my original point had little to do with the leaving or breaking down of things.

 

The first point remains: It was simply if you called something "love" at the time, why re-write your feelings based on results. Love is not a result. It is an action. The phrase "I thought I was in love" is strange to me; I remember a TV or movie scene --- I wish I could recall where --- where two characters are having a conversation and one person says this, and the other person points out, "But that's all love is---it's just thoughts. So, isn't thinking you're in love the same as being in love." The idea that we delude ourselves to being in love and then return to some sort of reality strikes me as a needless attack on ourselves later.

 

As for the leaving: I've left someone I loved. I chose to love them, and I chose to either stop loving them or start loving them in a different way, because I realized that they were not good for my long-term fulfillment and happiness and/or I was not good for theirs. This is painful, and it generally isn't malicious. I agree that those who are malicious are generally not in love. Maybe they chose to stop loving long before choosing to leave or maybe they never loved you. But either way, another person's choice not to love you doesn't invalidate your choice to love them. It just makes it painful. It doesn't make it less true.

 

Oh, I understand that you were trying to be kind, and I apologize if it seemed that I was attacking you. It's interesting how results can skew your opinions and your overall mindset on anything. I've never been the one that had to leave someone, all of my ex-girlfriends left me (or rather 2 of them decided to attempt to get away with ****ing others behind my back and I found out). Why, I don't know, nor do I really want to know. Also, I can't just buy into the "I stopped loving you" mentality. I just can't. Maybe it's the lovesick hopeless romantic coming out of me and maybe it's just that I've been treated like **** by women of all shapes and sizes.

 

After thinking about it, it probably is the lovesick hopeless romantic coming out of me.

[zengirl]

Oh, I understand that you were trying to be kind, and I apologize if it seemed that I was attacking you. It's interesting how results can skew your opinions and your overall mindset on anything. I've never been the one that had to leave someone, all of my ex-girlfriends left me (or rather 2 of them decided to attempt to get away with ****ing others behind my back and I found out). Why, I don't know, nor do I really want to know. Also, I can't just buy into the "I stopped loving you" mentality. I just can't. Maybe it's the lovesick hopeless romantic coming out of me and maybe it's just that I've been treated like **** by women of all shapes and sizes.

 

After thinking about it, it probably is the lovesick hopeless romantic coming out of me.

 

For me, I've never actually "stopped" loving someone. Every fellow I love, I still love in some way. (I have, however, realized that I needed to stop loving someone romantically.) But, to me, love is a much different thing than it is to some people. I love lots of people. I love my friends, I love my family, I love the 6 year old kids in my class. This is different from romantic love (in depth and quality) but it is still love. I think we are too stingy and specific with the word when it comes to romance and people.

 

As far as romantic love goes, I think it is a choice, and like any choice, you can un-choose it on a conscious or subconscious level. Maybe today you like chocolate ice cream best, but some day you wake up and don't want to eat it ever again. It happens. Most mature adults, with the major choices in their lives -- like love -- don't allow such whims and fancies to direct them but actively choose their paths, but even then, it can be a good active choice to break a bond of romantic love---- for instance, if your religions are incompatible. While the evangelical gal sounded a bit shrewish and had bad timing, that's a very good reason to break up with someone.

 

To me, "I love you," and "I think I want to be with you forever," are very different sentiments.

 

Now, asking yourself, "How and why did I love women who treated me like ****?" That seems like a very productive question, much more useful than, "Was it love? What's wrong with love?" etc. Understanding your own psychology and past bad choices will help you make better ones and not mis-spend your romantic love on people who ultimately make you unhappy.