jazzarina Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I have been with my boyfriend now for a little over a year and a half. About 2 months ago he broke up with me (we were broken up for about 3 weeks)...we were long distance at the time and he was depressed over not being able to find a full time job and having to move back into his parents house. During the time we were broken up I met a new guy and we went out on three dates. I liked him instantly and we had very very good chemistry. My ex began contacting me again, saying he realized his mistake, missed me more than anything, and completely did a 180. After much thought, I decided to give him another shot and hes been nothing but amazing. At first I was very happy to be back together with him but the past few weeks I've been feeling confused about my feelings toward him. I just don't know if I love him like I used to and I keep thinking and dreaming about the guy I met while we were broken up. Although we only went on a couple dates, I miss him and am beginning to wish I gave him a chance as opposed to my ex. This other guy admitted to liking me a lot but understood why I wanted to give my ex a second chance. My boyfriend now has a lot of faith in our relationship and has even said he wants to marry me a few years down the road. A part of me feels I need to end things with him and see where things could go with the other guy and a part of me wants to stay with my current boyfriend. I know he would make a great husband and father someday but I keep having the "what ifs" running through my mind. My biggest fear is breaking up with him and regretting it. I’m extremely confused and just dont know what do. I used to think my current boyfriend was "The One" but now I'm just plain confused. Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated.
maxil Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 How much do you love your ex/current boyfriend? is it enough to not ever be tempted? Seeing as you broke off contact with the guy to get back with your ex, would the other guy easily accept you back? Whenever one side of the relationship starts thinking so far ahead [edit: i don't know how old you are; I'm only 21..], the other side always starts to wonder if this is the right choice. It's just the way humans are, wanting the things they can't have.
Clep Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 You love your current bf enough to remove the other guy from your life so that should say something. Everything is going well, but you still can't seem to wonder if the grass would be greener on the other side. Often we jump over that fence to find the grass is brown, hard and dry unlike how we saw it before we jumped over. I believe love is a choice, not just a feeling. If we do not nurture our relationships they die. I think relationships are either growing or dying. Staying stagnant is dying in my eyes. I have been in your shoes. My SO and I split up twice in the past. Now since we have both committed to a loving relationship, took courses, read books on intimacy etc, our relationship is what I always wanted. We needed to nurture it daily in all sorts of ways, and I never felt like the grass was greener again, and he doesn't either. We changed so much. Have the two of you changed anything? Are you grateful to have each other daily and do you show each other daily? If you keep your bf in mind and strive to create a dynamic relationship, you might not have time to think about the other guy. The other guy was two dates and that equals infatuation to me. I don't believe there is any way real feelings can develop in that time. Do you think it wise to end your relationship for an infatuation? The more you fantasize about someone else, the better they appear and the worse your bf appears. Do you really want to trade reality for fantasy? What if's are a clear indication to me of lack of faith in ourselves to know we have made a positive choice for ourselves. If I were you I would be working on myself and my relationship.
Author jazzarina Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 Yeah I definitely know what you mean. I'm not sure if the other guy would easily accept me back. At first we talked for a while after I got back together with my ex but then we stopped bc I figured it wasn't fair to my boyfriend. If I do end things with my boyfriend I know I would be taking a leap of faith with the other guy, but I'm willing to put in a lot of effort to show him how much I really do miss him.
Maggotface Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Why exactly did he break up with you in the first place? If your feelings for her arnt there anymore then theres really no point continuing in this relationship. If this is about the other guy, your feelings for him will most likely fade away, that's how "crushes" are. If you are really uncertain about your future and want to see what happens with this other guy tell your boyfriend that youre not ready to work things out yet.
Author jazzarina Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 Wow thank you for your response, Clep. It's funny because I have definitely thought a lot about what you posted. You are right, often we feel that the grass is greener on the other side, but it usually isn't. I very well could have been "in lust" with the other guy. There were red flags that I came across as well. Our first two dates were at the bar where his friends met up with us...we didn't really get a whole lot of one on one time together. I do need to work on putting my faith in myself and my relationship. Those "what ifs" are no fun. I'm starting a full time job next week so I'm hoping I'll be able to focus more on myself and stop fantasizing about this other guy.
Serenitynow Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 You will always be the type that wonders which guy is better no matter WHO you are dating. The issue is not with any guy its with you. .
Author jazzarina Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 Magotface, We originally broke up because he was just an emotional wreck. He was depressed, jobless for over a year and was unhappy about having to move back in with his parents. He was being selfish (even admitting this to me) and was only concerned about getting back on his feet. I didn't bother him once we broke up because I figured he really did need the time to figure his life out. I also figured that if he came back, I wanted him to do it on his own without any convincing on my part, which is what ended up happening.
Clep Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Wow thank you for your response, Clep. It's funny because I have definitely thought a lot about what you posted. You are right, often we feel that the grass is greener on the other side, but it usually isn't. I very well could have been "in lust" with the other guy. There were red flags that I came across as well. Our first two dates were at the bar where his friends met up with us...we didn't really get a whole lot of one on one time together. I do need to work on putting my faith in myself and my relationship. Those "what ifs" are no fun. I'm starting a full time job next week so I'm hoping I'll be able to focus more on myself and stop fantasizing about this other guy. Well if you have a week of no work, this might just be the perfect time. There is a great book called The Seven Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly. It is amazing for creating highly functional and loving relationships. It taught me how to never "fall out of love". Just an idea. Hope things go well for you.
Author jazzarina Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 Thank you for the suggestion Clep! I will definitely go check that out Take Care!
Serenitynow Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I do need to work on putting my faith in myself and my relationship. Those "what ifs" are no fun. focus more on myself and stop fantasizing about this other guy..................................................................................
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 There is no real 'advice' on this one, as others can't give you clear hints on which way to go with it. It is, however, usually much easier to stay in the same 'place' in which you've been for a long while than it is to leap up and make drastic changes when you don't really have a catalyst for doing so.
Author jazzarina Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 Yeah...right now there's not much of a catalyst. I've been dreaming about this other guy for the past couple nights and its starting to get to me. I don't know if maybe I should look at that as a sign?
ilovetogetflowers1 Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 (edited) In mmy opinion you should not take that as a sign. I think Clep said it pretty well. I think the last thing you want to do is ruin your relationship over a guy you only went on a few dates with. He could turn out to be a jerk or not what you expected. If you break it off with your current boyfriend, you may have regrets for the rest of your life, especially if you see him with another girl. The fact that you've been in a relationship now for over a year and a half shows a lot. Besides him breaking up with you, how has everything else been in the relationship? Edited August 21, 2010 by ilovetogetflowers1
Author jazzarina Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 Clep did sum it up pretty well. Well, before he broke up with me I could see it coming. He was acting very distant and he wouldnt come to my gradution (I was graduating with my master's degree) because he didn't want to miss work at his part time job and he didn't want to drive the 8 hours with my parents. So of course I was disappointed about that for weeks. It kind of proved to me that I wasn't a priority and I could therefore see the break up coming even more. Since then he has apologized to me and I got over it, but it took a while. We have a lot in common, I love his friends and family and we have the same morals and beliefs. I feel very lucky to have him in my life. I know that I love him but I'm not 100% if he's "The One." I'm 24 and lately the whole idea of marriage is starting to freak me out....spending the rest of your life with the same person, coming home to the same person every day. I think I just might be going through a phase because for most of my life I have been the girl dreaming about my wedding.
ilovetogetflowers1 Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 It seems as though you have an incredible man in your life and you love him dearly. You are very lucky to have him in your life. A lot of people have never had the opportunity to say that. Often people wait around to find "The One" only to realize that "The One" was in front of them the entire time and they end up regretting it for the rest of their lives. Your bf just may be "The One" but you just don't realize it now. Relationships these days are tough. A lot of younger people are not willing to put effort into relationships. I have a man that has put everything into our relationship. Like yours, we share the same morals and beliefs, and love eachother dearly. It's nice to know that I have a companion in my life that will do anything for me and focuses on making things better. The most important things in life come after marriage. Marriage is scary for everyone. It seems like you are in a transition phase, trying to decide if you are ready to commit. When that time comes you will know it, but you're not even engaged and you're still years away from marriage. It seems like everything has been great with your current bf since you got back together. It looks like the breakup was more about his personal problems and not troubles in your relationship. Again, Clep said it pretty well, "You love your current bf enough to remove the other guy from your life so that should say something. Everything is going well, but you still can't seem to wonder if the grass would be greener on the other side. Often we jump over that fence to find the grass is brown, hard and dry unlike how we saw it before we jumped over. The more you fantasize about someone else, the better they appear and the worse your bf appears. Do you really want to trade reality for fantasy?
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