After 27 years My wife is nasty!

[dlayt]

I have some time before going to move my mom and had quite a few thoughts and just wanted to share while people are reading my quotes. Just some thoughts this morning.

 

I do know that it isn't totally her fault either. It's part mine for even letting it get this far and not communicating.

 

We all know "Money Is The Root Of All Evil" and in my case, I think it has a lot to do with things. I know, money isn't everything either. But, the more I think about it, the arguments are over money and spending. Sad, but true. I be thinking all of the time, that she should make the right decisions with spending, especially with her losing her job soon. It made me start thinking this morning after reading an email and it is a good example.

 

I am trying to suggest and look at ways to trim as much as we can. She finally came to realize she has to sell the beemer which we still owe on. She went and bought a jeep 2 weeks ago for cash (home equity money). Today she is still driving the beemer everyday! That bothers me. In the email this morning, she is looking at $150 dollar fancy head lights for it. Now to me, this is foolish spending. I have to mention it, and I know it won't be pretty. Usually 500+ items she will ask my opinion, but under that anything goes. I do truthfully, ask her opinion on just about everything and I really don't spend unless it is needed or we can afford it. I do, handle all of the bills. This is the type of stuff that I expect her to make good decisions on and doesn't. it happens all of the time. The list goes on. Sad how money does this.

 

I do try to talk to her about this (did this week reagrding the huge cable bill with all the dvr's and crap) and she just blew up! In the end she said the kids want all of that stuff.

 

Just some of my thinking this morning and I wanted to share (Vent). I guess thinking about it, when the arguments starts then...that's when I get the bad thoughts of dislike and just walk away from it.

 

One other thing to add. She is a very well liked person and will do anything for anybody (except me). She is into these benefit things and goes to $100 golf tournaments and gatherings. She will be up at the crack of dawn and head out any day or any time for this stuff. Ya a good thing, but not good for home. She does try to recruit the kids to help but they usually don't and she won't even ask me. I won't go either because there are many many things to do at home. My list is long with a big house and 3 acres. I do have a friend of a friend that works with her that I talk to and knows the situation. I did ask how she is at work and they said very short fused and pretty power headed.

 

Ok, that's just some things that I wanted to get off my chest before starting my day today. Thanks again everybody for listening and posting. I am feeling somewhat better talking to someone. I have been bottled up a long time!!

[witabix]

Sounds like she is filling her void with buying things.

 

You both have an issue with communication and confrontation.

 

You don't really have an outlet for your feelings.

 

Its good you find it better talking to someone. You must also at some point start to formulate a strategy for righting the situation.

[dgiirl]

Her short fuse could very well be due to the fact that she is extremely unhappy in your marriage and is clueless on how to fix it too. Your walking away must make her feel more and more isolated too.

 

Like others have advised, you need to step up to the plate and address the real topics. I'm not so sure it's about the money but your lack of consideration for one another. Her yelling at you is not cool. You simply walking away is not cool either. You both are completely plugged out.

 

You both need to demand and expect each other to act like adults. No screaming fests. No passivity. Both of you need to plug back into the relationship and address and take care of the responsibilities in your marriage.

[shawnc]

Dude, 27 years is a looooong time.

 

As the others have said, you are being too passive.

 

What I also notice from your writing - correct me if I am wrong - you lack self esteem. If she makes so much money and you feel emasculated, have you thought about getting a high paying job yourself? I know it's easier said then done, but how about getting a loan and opening a private business?

 

As for her bossing you around, I agree, you let her so she does it. And dude, you don't sleep in the same bad for 1,5 years already - what's with that? I presume there is no sex either.

 

Something definitely needs to be done. But is it divorce? Are 27 years worth throwing away. And what do you have to look forward to? She is the one that made all the money so it's not like you can be a sugar daddy to some younger woman - unless you get your act together.

 

Positive thoughts.

 

Shawn

[Feanor]

Hi,

I saw your posting and I have to say you should really consider separation. I'm not a relationship expert or anything but I don't see how suddenly being less passive is really going to save this marriage. Do you really think you would enjoy spending the rest of your life with her? You're not even attracted to her anymore. I know most marriages have their ups and downs but it sounds like you have not enjoyed the past 4 years at all. You've been together for 27 years and you're not happy anymore. I know that separation or divorce can be hard with finances and all of that so I don't know how you would handle that. Ask yourself if this is a marriage that you would even want to save? Sometimes you have to think about yourself and what you need to do to make yourself happier. You wouldn't be throwing 27 years away, I'm sure you have some good memories that you can cherish. But maybe it's time for a new chapter in your life.

[willowthewisp]

Hi,

I saw your posting and I have to say you should really consider separation. I'm not a relationship expert or anything but I don't see how suddenly being less passive is really going to save this marriage. Do you really think you would enjoy spending the rest of your life with her? You're not even attracted to her anymore. I know most marriages have their ups and downs but it sounds like you have not enjoyed the past 4 years at all. You've been together for 27 years and you're not happy anymore. I know that separation or divorce can be hard with finances and all of that so I don't know how you would handle that. Ask yourself if this is a marriage that you would even want to save? Sometimes you have to think about yourself and what you need to do to make yourself happier. You wouldn't be throwing 27 years away, I'm sure you have some good memories that you can cherish. But maybe it's time for a new chapter in your life.

 

And the fact he was happy for 23 years???

 

You sound like a leaver, this is the usual stuff they say to themselves to self justify. He owes it to himself as well as his wife and children to try and work on his marriage before taking that decision (which should be a joint decision anyway, two people are involved here, not one), like anything worth having in life marriage takes work. Besides, I've seen enough leavers on here and in real life, who a few years down the line regret the decision to leave deeply, but by then it's too late the left has found happiness without them.

[Feanor]

I'm just giving him my point of view, he came on here seeking advice and I thought I would chime in. Look at the title of his posting, read what he has to say. It sounds like he doesn't even like his wife anymore, let alone love her, they sleep in separate beds and he hates it when they have to sleep in the same bed, he is not even attracted to her anymore. So I don't think it's outrageous to suggest that he consider ending the marriage.

I think his kids can handle it, they are 16 and 20 years old, they are pretty much adults now. Sometimes leaving is the best option.

Edited August 29, 2010 by Feanor

[willowthewisp]

I'm just giving him my point of view, he came on here seeking advice and I thought I would chime in. Look at the title of his posting, read what he has to say. It sounds like he doesn't even like his wife anymore, let alone love her, they sleep in separate beds and he hates it when they have to sleep in the same bed, he is not even attracted to her anymore. So I don't think it's outrageous to suggest that he consider ending the marriage.

I think his kids can handle it, they are 16 and 20 years old, they are pretty much adults now. Sometimes leaving is the best option.

 

And you're entitled to your opinion as I am to mine.

 

I've read the entire thread, whilst it is true that his marriage is in a mess that does not mean to say that feelings cannot return in time with MC. Studies have shown that those who were unahppy in their marriage who stayed and worked on it, were happy 5 years later as compared with those who left who were still unhappy.

 

27 years is a huge emotional investment to just give up without trying first, it's not like they have been dating for 6 months. He shares a responsibility in the current state of his marriage as much as his wife does, they both got them to where they are today and that is part of the reason to try and fix it first. The ages of the children are irrelevant, divorce hurts all involved at any age.

[You Go Girl]

They've invested too many years together. It will be an extreme loss on both sides, unless one is an abuser or serial cheater.

You don't just walk away from 27 years.

Imagine having to break out photo albums to show a new beau what you looked like when you were 25...when there is a person that not only knows what you looked like, but how you felt, how you changed, what your dreams were, which ones came true, has an understanding of you that goes so very deep, and so much farther than any new relationship could, even with 10 years working on it.

The grass isn't greener, it's just new grass that you haven't cultivated, cut, pampered, seeded, watered, or have any history with. In otherwords, it's grass that you have zero investment in, grass that leaves you empty and wondering where your life has gone, and what the heck was all that work on the other grass for.

[willowthewisp]

They've invested too many years together. It will be an extreme loss on both sides, unless one is an abuser or serial cheater.

You don't just walk away from 27 years.

Imagine having to break out photo albums to show a new beau what you looked like when you were 25...when there is a person that not only knows what you looked like, but how you felt, how you changed, what your dreams were, which ones came true, has an understanding of you that goes so very deep, and so much farther than any new relationship could, even with 10 years working on it.

The grass isn't greener, it's just new grass that you haven't cultivated, cut, pampered, seeded, watered, or have any history with. In otherwords, it's grass that you have zero investment in, grass that leaves you empty and wondering where your life has gone, and what the heck was all that work on the other grass for.

 

This is absolutely right and what my X of nearly two decades fails to understand as he decided all on his own to not even communicate his unhappiness with me, just up and left.

 

It is a complete waste. I will never understand this mind set of just walking away, does someone who has given you all those years, all that emotional intimacy, support, care and love deserve just to be told, "well hey, we had a good time, but I can't be bothered now things have got a bit tough, see ya"?

[witabix]

They've invested too many years together. It will be an extreme loss on both sides, unless one is an abuser or serial cheater.

You don't just walk away from 27 years.

Imagine having to break out photo albums to show a new beau what you looked like when you were 25...when there is a person that not only knows what you looked like, but how you felt, how you changed, what your dreams were, which ones came true, has an understanding of you that goes so very deep, and so much farther than any new relationship could, even with 10 years working on it.

The grass isn't greener, it's just new grass that you haven't cultivated, cut, pampered, seeded, watered, or have any history with. In otherwords, it's grass that you have zero investment in, grass that leaves you empty and wondering where your life has gone, and what the heck was all that work on the other grass for.

 

Very true, I don't even have those photos, not one. When I walked, I walked away from everything.

 

This is absolutely right and what my X of nearly two decades fails to understand as he decided all on his own to not even communicate his unhappiness with me, just up and left.

 

It is a complete waste. I will never understand this mind set of just walking away, does someone who has given you all those years, all that emotional intimacy, support, care and love deserve just to be told, "well hey, we had a good time, but I can't be bothered now things have got a bit tough, see ya"?

 

Willow is so right too. I am the one who walks away, and reading these two post reinforces the belief that behaving like this is counter productive, to say the least.

 

Somewhere in the psyche of a 'walker' is a wall. A wall that surrounds you. You never let anyone in. You guard it, fix it, patrol it. You feel alone, all the time. It doesn't matter how close someone comes, you keep watching.

 

You never open the door to come out to really talk to anyone, to let someone know how you feel. Its too dangerous out there, they will just brush you off or use your weakness to hurt you. So you live your whole life, protecting yourself.

 

From what? I never asked myself that question until recently. I think it may be a case of never trusting anyone or never showing weakness, this leads into thinking that says, 'she never loved me anyway', 'she is going leave, I better get out first' and it is totally regardless of the facts. I can see in hindsight that my fears come from within, not without. I am afraid of something in myself, but I don't know what. Either that or it is some kind of super-pride thing, I am still in the process of realising what is going on inside me.

 

No one ever questions my decisions, tries to talk to me, I never let anyone. I seem to have cultivated the belief amongst my family and friends that I am not to be questioned. I only realised that recently, that was done subconsciously, it was never my intention but thats what happened because of self ignorance, pride, the need to be 'the big man' who never cracks and can bear anything silently. You know the stereotypical male.

 

It is not healthy but getting away from it can take a lifetime or two.

[dlayt]

Thanks for the recent replies. We haven't really made any progress. We have just been busy with a lot of other things the past week and been just both occupied.

 

I know the greener grass story. It is very scary not knowing what is on the other side. But...being happier for the rest of my life is what's on my mind a lot. Do I want to spend it with her?....The more I think about it, the more I think not (at this moment). I guess things can change and we both would need to work hard, but I honestly just can't see that happening (in my eyes). Maybe in her eyes it is possible, but we need to get there to discuss that. We haven't been talking about much with us. Kids going back to college and school, work on the house and her Benefit meeting stuff and a golf day in there. So, we really don't see each other much. Sleeping arrangements, still the same. Sex...none..Last time was quite some time ago. I can't remember when.

 

I do listen to all angles of the suggestions. I do appreciate the different opinions. At this moment I am not really leaning toward any. I do need to approach her and ask what her thoughts are. Very hard thing to get rolling for me! I am planning to spend some alone time up my brothers cottage on Thursday and Friday before the crowd comes for the weekend. I like to fish and haven't done so this year. I was already asked "So I hear your going up the Lake this weekend"? in an email today. I did reply and said "Yes maybe Thursday" I am not sure if it was bothering her, or why it was asked. We go through this type of stuff a lot. She may pull in after work at 7-8 oclock and I don't ask a thing. Has benefit meetings, golf tournaments etc...Never says a word to me. So, I guess that why I get like this when she asks. I am just blabbing a bit here, because it was on my mind....and I do like your thoughts.

 

Thanks...

[Angel1111]

I haven't read all the comments here but if you were my husband, I would be very concerned about your lack of leadership and I wouldn't have much respect for you. Not that I would behave as she is, but I would have trouble respecting you. Obviously, your wife doesn't respect you. Whenever a person is able to dish out disrespectful comments and do disrespectful things to another person without any real consequences, respect goes down the tube. And when a woman loses respect for a man, it's all over with.

 

A few other problems that stand out to me, other than the respect thing - it's what others have mentioned that you're way too passive. I do understand this mind-set because I can go there very quickly. I figure that a person knows when they're acting a certain way and they know that it's wrong so I don't see any point in talking about it. But putting up with 4 yrs of misery is a little much. And her level of disrespect toward you in proportion to your level of misery. It's just not working.

 

I also think it's a bad idea that you have a 20-yr-old living with you. He needs to be out making a life for himself. He really needs to be in college -and if he's not doing either of those things, then I hope there's a good reason for that. If he's working, he needs to be paying rent to be there. This is a negative dynamic for a child not to have the desire to leave home and start their own life. It's also not good that your wife is sleeping with your daughter. This sends a really bad message about your marriage and no matter how bad it is, kids shouldn't be involved in that.

 

The other thing that seriously stands out for me is that when your wife is going after the kids about things that you don't agree with, you just disappear instead of defending your kids. This is an extremely bad message to send to your children because basically you have said to them (without saying a word) that you won't defend them and you won't stand up for them. You're also sending the message that you're the helpless one in the relationship and your wife rules the entire house and everybody in it. This is so bad in so many ways.

 

You need to fix this stuff by making sure that you have a voice in the marriage. Let your wife know this and if she makes a huge stink about it, then let her know that if things don't change, you're considering leaving. She needs to wake up to her awful and unappreciative behavior, too. If she's intent on putting you in the poor house by overspending, then that's a dealbreaker as far as I'm concerned. Either she stops spending money without the two of you talking about it first, or leave her. This is not acceptable at all.

 

I do think you have too much time and history in this marriage to just throw all of that away without trying to fix it, but you need to get this situation straightened out so that everyone is happy. I believe it can be done but I would also give it a timeline. If she has always acted this way toward you, then things most likely will not ever change. If this is a new thing, then it's perhaps fixable.

Edited August 30, 2010 by Angel1111

[Gfkr2]

I've been married 26 years... and I'm also getting a divorce shortly. Sometimes, things between an H and W just don't work out despite the fact we were married for a longgg time. Marital longevity means little in 2010 if one of the partners doesn't want to make it work.

 

Based on yoour post, I'd say your W is definately open to having an affair if you are not meeting her emotional needs and she is unhappy. Her put downs of you doing "nothing" should serve as an alarm bell in your head that your M is in trouble. She is quite capable of using her unhappiness an excuse to find an OM and tell him how terrible you are all to win over his affection.

 

I am sorry for being so blunt and wish you well in your M.

[zippy's login]

I was married 26 and got a divorce. Your comments are right on the money.

 

I've been married 26 years... and I'm also getting a divorce shortly. Sometimes, things between an H and W just don't work out despite the fact we were married for a longgg time. Marital longevity means little in 2010 if one of the partners doesn't want to make it work.

 

Based on yoour post, I'd say your W is definately open to having an affair if you are not meeting her emotional needs and she is unhappy. Her put downs of you doing "nothing" should serve as an alarm bell in your head that your M is in trouble. She is quite capable of using her unhappiness an excuse to find an OM and tell him how terrible you are all to win over his affection.

 

I am sorry for being so blunt and wish you well in your M.

[dlayt]

I haven't read all the comments here but if you were my husband, I would be very concerned about your lack of leadership and I wouldn't have much respect for you. Not that I would behave as she is, but I would have trouble respecting you. Obviously, your wife doesn't respect you. Whenever a person is able to dish out disrespectful comments and do disrespectful things to another person without any real consequences, respect goes down the tube. And when a woman loses respect for a man, it's all over with.

 

No respect here. That is for sure.

 

A few other problems that stand out to me, other than the respect thing - it's what others have mentioned that you're way too passive. I do understand this mind-set because I can go there very quickly. I figure that a person knows when they're acting a certain way and they know that it's wrong so I don't see any point in talking about it. But putting up with 4 yrs of misery is a little much. And her level of disrespect toward you in proportion to your level of misery. It's just not working.

 

I also think it's a bad idea that you have a 20-yr-old living with you. He needs to be out making a life for himself. He really needs to be in college -and if he's not doing either of those things, then I hope there's a good reason for that. If he's working, he needs to be paying rent to be there. This is a negative dynamic for a child not to have the desire to leave home and start their own life. It's also not good that your wife is sleeping with your daughter. This sends a really bad message about your marriage and no matter how bad it is, kids shouldn't be involved in that.

 

A little more insight here. My son is in college on his second year. He also works same job for 3 years. Even while in college he worgs about 30 hours a week and is on the Dean's list. He is studying business and aviation. He has been flying since 14 and has his pilots license. He can move out, but that would be just tough for him. It has been mentioned though. As far as money, he does pay for his car payment and cell phone. The next he will have to pay is his insurance. My W really would NEVER ask him for money but I sure wood. I did the arrangements for the car.

 

My daughter has been working since last year. She does pay for most of her fun stuff like Ipod's, Notebook and some clothes.

 

Wife sleeping in her room...I really don't know what to say about that. Not good...Agree.

 

The other thing that seriously stands out for me is that when your wife is going after the kids about things that you don't agree with, you just disappear instead of defending your kids. This is an extremely bad message to send to your children because basically you have said to them (without saying a word) that you won't defend them and you won't stand up for them. You're also sending the message that you're the helpless one in the relationship and your wife rules the entire house and everybody in it. This is so bad in so many ways.

 

I do stick up for my kids. A few weeks ago I was trying to be real about this upcoming "Sweet 16" party because it was getting out of hand!! Too much. My daughter started crying and the W said "See what you did to her!" Daughter went to her room and I went to talk to her. Did some reality type talking and we were fine with the plans. My son on the other hand...sticks by his mother like glue. I stuck up for HIM last week and he didn't like it. So...you are correct in a way...that kids are involved.

 

You need to fix this stuff by making sure that you have a voice in the marriage. Let your wife know this and if she makes a huge stink about it, then let her know that if things don't change, you're considering leaving. She needs to wake up to her awful and unappreciative behavior, too. If she's intent on putting you in the poor house by overspending, then that's a dealbreaker as far as I'm concerned. Either she stops spending money without the two of you talking about it first, or leave her. This is not acceptable at all.

 

This is what I referred to when I said I need to do this. I just need to get there. Right time and place I guess.

 

I do think you have too much time and history in this marriage to just throw all of that away without trying to fix it, but you need to get this situation straightened out so that everyone is happy. I believe it can be done but I would also give it a timeline. If she has always acted this way toward you, then things most likely will not ever change. If this is a new thing, then it's perhaps fixable.

 

Hard to say when she got this way. A long time ago...I know that. I think when she became a manager. I have always said (to her too) she is like a seargent in the military!

 

Sorry if I didn't space and do the quotes correctly.

Edited August 30, 2010 by dlayt

[Angel1111]

Hard to say when she got this way. A long time ago...I know that. I think when she became a manager. I have always said (to her too) she is like a seargent in the military!

 

Sorry if I didn't space and do the quotes correctly.

 

If your son is in college, then I wouldn't pressure him about money. I would only do that if he wasn't pursuing a degree. The fact that he's paying some of his bills is good. It's too bad that he sides with his mother so much. He may be doing it out of loyalty or it may be because he's afraid of getting on her bad side.

 

If your wife has been like this for some time, then it's not likely that anything will change. The problem is, she's convinced that you won't go anywhere and that she can treat you anyway she likes. The sad fact with people like this is that the only way to teach them that you won't put up with it is to walk away. Sometimes that gets their respect back but, if you ask me, she sounds out of control and unteachable.

[dlayt]

If your son is in college, then I wouldn't pressure him about money. I would only do that if he wasn't pursuing a degree. The fact that he's paying some of his bills is good. It's too bad that he sides with his mother so much. He may be doing it out of loyalty or it may be because he's afraid of getting on her bad side.

 

If your wife has been like this for some time, then it's not likely that anything will change. The problem is, she's convinced that you won't go anywhere and that she can treat you anyway she likes. The sad fact with people like this is that the only way to teach them that you won't put up with it is to walk away. Sometimes that gets their respect back but, if you ask me, she sounds out of control and unteachable.

 

Yes. He is a good hard worker and really takes care of his finances. He has had his checking account and debit card since 16. I made sure he did that. His student loans are in his name and I just co-sign. My daughter will be following the same after the 10th. She is a bit looser with her money.

 

Oooh....she knows I won't go anywhere that is very true. She is the type to say that I can't handle it if she wasn't around. In my earlier posts I mentioned similiar. I sweat my butt off working around the house but I get "He does Nothing!" Kind of frustrating to say the least, but I put up with it. I really don't like to side with anybody's opinions here, but you seem to make the most sense out of all of this. Not saying you are correct...but seem to feel where I am actually coming from.

 

Yes I would hate to see something happen after all of this time. But I really want to be happy again and I am willing to try, but I just can't see turning her. I really can't. And if it were possible, I really don't think she would be happy. I honestly think she enjoys having power and control over everything. Even though it really isn't over EVERYTHING!. On this subject, as far as her losing her job after 31 years, I think she is looking at me for the answer to all of this. She has said to me before "So..your saying I have to look for another job?" I'm like.....Yaaaaaa. Not sure what she wants. She was buying a business for a week, being a nurse another, now I have no clue what she wants to do. Her fancy BMW still doesn't have a For Sale sign on it. Bought a Jeep and now drives everything. Just venting again here.....

[GorillaTheater]

Do you want to try to save your marriage or do you want to get a divorce? The sooner you pick a path (and stick with it), the better off you'll be. Probably the better off everyone will be.

[willowthewisp]

If your son is in college, then I wouldn't pressure him about money. I would only do that if he wasn't pursuing a degree. The fact that he's paying some of his bills is good. It's too bad that he sides with his mother so much. He may be doing it out of loyalty or it may be because he's afraid of getting on her bad side.

 

If your wife has been like this for some time, then it's not likely that anything will change. The problem is, she's convinced that you won't go anywhere and that she can treat you anyway she likes. The sad fact with people like this is that the only way to teach them that you won't put up with it is to walk away. Sometimes that gets their respect back but, if you ask me, she sounds out of control and unteachable.

 

Angel, there are always two sides to every story. Sure the OP is painting a picture of a horrible drill sergent wife but I am sure if you spoke to the wife she would have a very different story.

 

Maybe, just an example, the wife is fed up with not being heard in the marriage, maybe she is sick of her husbands passivity and constantly trying to discuss things with him for him to just walk away and not talk. Perhaps she is not getting her needs met? The OP said she complains that he does nothing round the house, his argument is that he does a lot of work on their land, but his wife is complaining that he does not help with the household chores. She's screaming at the kids and her husband. To me that sounds like a very unhappy women who would just like to have her needs considered, she feels like she is drowning in the housework and is not being listened to. Perhaps an indication of this is shown through her son sticking up for her? Maybe he sees HER point? Maybe I have all that wrong, who knows, it's just an illistartion of why it is important to communicate, if you are passive, you are not communicating!

 

You stated that people should know when they are behaving badly and you personally can't see any point in telling them when they are? How do you solve conflict in your relationships then? Just walk away? Everyones ideas about what is good and bad behaviour are different, if you don't express your feelings on the matter then how can you ever expect to have a healthy relationship?

[willowthewisp]

 

Oooh....she knows I won't go anywhere that is very true. She is the type to say that I can't handle it if she wasn't around. This is how you are interpreting her words, that may not be how they are meant, maybe she wants some recgonision for what she does contribute to the marriage?In my earlier posts I mentioned similiar. I sweat my butt off working around the house but I get "He does Nothing!" Kind of frustrating to say the least, but I put up with it.I seem to recall you saying you DON'T help round the house "she complains because I don't do the dishes" what EVER? Yes, you do stuff in the garden, but she is asking for your help, why have you not sat down with her and asked how the chores could be divided more evenly, explain how you feel COMMUNICATE.

 

Yes I would hate to see something happen after all of this time. But I really want to be happy again and I am willing to try, but I just can't see turning her. TURNING HER?????????I really can't. And if it were possible, I really don't think she would be happy. I honestly think she enjoys having power and control over everything.Again, this is your interpretation, many other explanations, you will only know for sure when you communicate with her. Even though it really isn't over EVERYTHING!. On this subject, as far as her losing her job after 31 years, I think she is looking at me for the answer to all of this. She has said to me before "So..your saying I have to look for another job?" I'm like.....Yaaaaaa. Not sure what she wants. She was buying a business for a week, being a nurse another, now I have no clue what she wants to do. Her fancy BMW still doesn't have a For Sale sign on it. Bought a Jeep and now drives everything. Just venting again here.....

 

The point is you haven't told her any of this. Until you do in calm way you cannot know what she is thinking or whether leaving is the best thing to do. I would suggest telling your wife outright that you are incrediably unhappy and that you have made an appointment for MC, she can join you if she wants. Then you can discuss this in therapy, which might help you to feel more comfortable about communicating with your wife if you are scared she may get angry?

[willowthewisp]

Very true, I don't even have those photos, not one. When I walked, I walked away from everything.

 

 

 

Willow is so right too. I am the one who walks away, and reading these two post reinforces the belief that behaving like this is counter productive, to say the least.

 

Somewhere in the psyche of a 'walker' is a wall. A wall that surrounds you. You never let anyone in. You guard it, fix it, patrol it. You feel alone, all the time. It doesn't matter how close someone comes, you keep watching.

 

You never open the door to come out to really talk to anyone, to let someone know how you feel. Its too dangerous out there, they will just brush you off or use your weakness to hurt you. So you live your whole life, protecting yourself.

 

From what? I never asked myself that question until recently. I think it may be a case of never trusting anyone or never showing weakness, this leads into thinking that says, 'she never loved me anyway', 'she is going leave, I better get out first' and it is totally regardless of the facts. I can see in hindsight that my fears come from within, not without. I am afraid of something in myself, but I don't know what. Either that or it is some kind of super-pride thing, I am still in the process of realising what is going on inside me.

 

No one ever questions my decisions, tries to talk to me, I never let anyone. I seem to have cultivated the belief amongst my family and friends that I am not to be questioned. I only realised that recently, that was done subconsciously, it was never my intention but thats what happened because of self ignorance, pride, the need to be 'the big man' who never cracks and can bear anything silently. You know the stereotypical male.

 

It is not healthy but getting away from it can take a lifetime or two.

 

Witabix, thank you for posting, you have helped me, it is very rare that the leaver who can see their decision differently with hindsight, posts about it and I appreciate you doing so.

 

I sincerly hope that the OP heades your words, because if he takes the decision to leave all by himself, trust will be broken beyond repair and there will be no going back, yet if he does not address his issues in this relationship he will carry them to the next.

 

I'm sorry you are having a hard time trying to understand what it is inside of you that you are afraid of, have you sought counselling at all?

[Angel1111]

You stated that people should know when they are behaving badly and you personally can't see any point in telling them when they are? How do you solve conflict in your relationships then? Just walk away? Everyones ideas about what is good and bad behaviour are different, if you don't express your feelings on the matter then how can you ever expect to have a healthy relationship?

 

No, I've never walked away from anyone without explaining what the problem was, and without giving time to fix things first. What I was saying is that I do understand that mind-set because I can go there very quickly. But I also know its dangers if you don't talk about it - that's why I commented on the fact that he has let it go on for at least 4 yrs. Yes, communication is absolutely key.

 

I have considered that we're hearing just one side of this and that his wife's story would be completely different. But the red flag for me is that whenever someone shoves another person, this is very extreme and controlling behavior. This is behavior that's hard to correct. And the finger points both ways - if she's so frustrated she could talk to him.

 

If I were him, I'd take her to dinner alone and talk about it. If it goes really badly, then walk away. But if you never talk, you can't say you ever tried to fix it, or that you gave the other person a chance.

[witabix]

Witabix, thank you for posting, you have helped me, it is very rare that the leaver who can see their decision differently with hindsight, posts about it and I appreciate you doing so.

 

I sincerly hope that the OP heades your words, because if he takes the decision to leave all by himself, trust will be broken beyond repair and there will be no going back, yet if he does not address his issues in this relationship he will carry them to the next.

 

I'm sorry you are having a hard time trying to understand what it is inside of you that you are afraid of, have you sought counselling at all?

 

Not counselling, I underwent a period of psychological training a good few years ago. I am so stubborn, with myself not others, that I doubt counselling would work for me, I prefer to work through it on my own. Silence and time alone seems to help a lot. I am not torturing myself over all this stuff, just asking myself why?

 

I am glad I may have been able to give you some insight, and maybe the OP some idea of the possible future if they decide to just up and walk out.

 

Perhaps another thread, so as not to hijack here.