Author zengirl Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 For someone who frequently refers to honing a "people-picker" I'm amazed that you have set up a relationship with a stranger you haven't met in person. Moreover, having a prefab relationship ready on the heels of a significant move is unduly limiting in foreclosing the opportunity to explore your new habitat alone, and could turn very uncomfortable and stressful due to proximity. Consider not nexting any of these men and continue to talk to all of them, rethink this exclusive relationship made with a stranger, and take a couple of weeks to settle into your new locale before dating at all. Seriously, what advice would you yourself give to someone who posted the OP? I've already let the other fellows know. And I'm pretty happy about my decision. My advice varies based on how a person seems to be reacting to the situation; in my case, I don't even need "seems" because I know. I have no cognitive dissonance over this move, and I see no potential downside (except maybe now these fellows wouldn't go out with me, but going out with them with my heart not really in it wouldn't develop anything anyway). I've already honed my people-picker. I pick good people. The point of having a good people-picker is eradicating such cognitive dissonance and making good choices easily and quickly. It's the people who consistently pick bad people who should be more wary. People can think what they like. I am going to be settling in -- just because I'm not multi-dating doesn't mean this fellow will be my only focus. He is "networked" in so not a stranger and dating others while dating him would be needlessly dissonant for me. So, I have chosen not to. If things don't work out, I won't be crushed. People who see exclusivity as some kind of "shackle" are strange to me. Also: Technically, I have met the fellow in person, years ago, though I didn't remember him when I first contacted him online and we never went out. I had a SO at the time, so he was not really on my radar. He's also a friend of several friends in the area. None of this means it's all destined to work out or anything, but he's not really a "stranger" in any respect.
WintersNightTraveler Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Consider not nexting any of these men and continue to talk to all of them, rethink this exclusive relationship made with a stranger, and take a couple of weeks to settle into your new locale before dating at all. I love that if she were a dude, someone would have come right out by now and said "hey yo you crazy bro? WTF if this new chick turns out psycho then you've burned the bridges to your booty call!" Anyway you did the right thing I guess ZG although really it doesn't matter too much I think. Did any of them write back? I wouldn't reply if they did.
tami-chan Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Also: Technically, I have met the fellow in person, years ago, though I didn't remember him ... If you did not remember him, then he did not "exist" in your mind...so it's almost the same as you have never met him in the flesh. Anyway, so he is from the city you are moving to, right? It's good to have someone you "know" waiting in a new city, I guess. After all, when it does not work out, at least you were not lonely when you were new in the city. Be careful.
Author zengirl Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 (edited) I love that if she were a dude, someone would have come right out by now and said "hey yo you crazy bro? WTF if this new chick turns out psycho then you've burned the bridges to your booty call!" Anyway you did the right thing I guess ZG although really it doesn't matter too much I think. Did any of them write back? I wouldn't reply if they did. I disabled the profile. I don't want messages getting sent there and not returned/replied to, and I don't want to check it. One of them was a genuinely interesting person who was close to the same social network, so I sent him my e-mail but made the situation more clear (i.e. I didn't add the "I'd date you if" stuff and just said I was seeing someone). I might add him to FB if he wants. He's someone I'll likely see as I become immersed in the community there, because of common interests and affiliations. If you did not remember him, then he did not "exist" in your mind...so it's almost the same as you have never met him in the flesh. Anyway, so he is from the city you are moving to, right? It's good to have someone you "know" waiting in a new city, I guess. After all, when it does not work out, at least you were not lonely when you were new in the city. Be careful. I do remember him now, but I didn't remember him at first until he reminded me. I don't have a strong memory of him, but I remember "J's friend who I met at such-and-such." He had a stronger memory of me. This happens to me often, with all people (not just men) because I'm not big into remembering anyone I'm not deeply connected to. I don't think consciously of everything that has ever happened to me. I have people come up to me constantly who I did meet/know/see and say, "Hey you're zengirl from such-and-such. Do you remember me?" And the answer is almost always, "Uh. . . . I'm sorry. Not really." I've met and connected to many people this way. Apparently, people tend to remember me (in a relatively good way, I think, since they then want to approach me and start up new relationships/conversations) even from insignificant events. I have an excellent memory for events, things I read, and even word-for-word transcriptions of conversations I have, but I rarely remember the people I knew but rarely talked to (i.e. classmates, etc). I have many people I know in the new city, as I used to travel their for work. I have several friends. Edited August 21, 2010 by zengirl
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