sveltskye Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 I am kind of bothered right now. I have been depressed for the last couple of days, I am anticipating moving from a place that is really depressing for me, but it still seems so far away. I had to move in with my parents and work a minimum wage job for the last few six months and its been really depressing and lonely. I met a guy before I moved and we've kept in touch since then. Last time I visited we ended up getting pretty romantic, but I feel like I'm always the one initiating contact. Its kind of frustrating, and I feel like I should give up on him, but I am having trouble with not being upset by the fact. I am tired of always liking guys more than they like me and putting in more effort. I'm trying to do things for myself, like working out a lot, but I am having trouble feeling like I have something to look forward to, in everything really, but especially dating. I don't think I am unnattractive or don't deserve someone to be excited about me, I just have trouble believing it will happen when I always seem to be the one doing the chasing. I don't know where I stand- I know he wanted to sleep with me, but I don't know if he was interested in anything beyond that, and if he isn't, I'd like to just know and get it over with. It almost doesn't seem worth pursuing anymore and asking would probably make me seem crazy since its so soon. I should just forget about it all, but that's proving kind of hard to do.
goodgrief Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 I find the less you care about whether men like you or not, and the more you love yourself, the more they come flocking... Of course, you have to have your radar on alert. "Does this guy want to go to bed with me, because he sees it as a challenge, and feels it would be a notch in his belt to have conquered the strong, self-asserted, confident bitch - or does he really feel attracted to me, because he's drawn to me?" I look at it this way - go to bed with them anyway if you feel like it. Then, surprise them, and tell them, "that was fun! I'll call you if I want more, but right now, I have to meet someone else tonight! See you around, tiger!" The bottom line is, how confident are you to know that you may spend the rest of your life on your own - and really - not care, but grab your fun where you can get it, and when you want it? being alone neither mean being lonely, or celibate.
Author sveltskye Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 Yea, I totally get that, good grief. I'm trying really hard to be confident, and was telling myself to just forget him all together. I am not like texting him every day or something like that. I just feel kind of defeatist about the whole thing, and I'm not sure exactly what that means- if I'm just depressed about dating in general, or if I am really reading the cues that he's just not that into me... I'm trying to convince myself that I don't care either way, but its hard.
goodgrief Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 That's two 'really trying's.... I think someone has a signature on here, and it's a good quotation anyway, which is Do, or do not, there is no try. Oprah Winfrey turned it around a little and said it this way: "Trying, isn't doing". It's like putting a key on a table, and trying to pick it up. Not, picking it up. Trying to. Don't actually pick it up. Just try to. It's completely impossible, because we accomplish nothing. Don't 'try really hard' to be confident. BE confident. Don't try to convince yourself that you don't care, either way. DON'T Care, either way. If you can't do these naturally, don't work on being confident. Work on why you can't be. If you can't convince yourself you don't care either way, don't work on not caring either way, work on WHY you can't NOT care, either way.... Do you see what I mean? It's not something out there that ails you. It's something in you, that ails you, in how you see what's outside you. Don't figure out the questions of what lies outside of yourself, if what is inside of you, isn't up to strength. Can't be done.
snowbell Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 (edited) I think someone has a signature on here, and it's a good quotation anyway, which is Do, or do not, there is no try. Actually, that's from Yoda in Star Wars. It's based on the ancient Taoist precept of, "The way that can be followed is not the true Way," or "When the good strives to be good, it is no good." It basically means that you can't force good fortune upon yourself. You have to alter your behaviors to allow good fortune to come to you. So yes, there is no 'try.' Trying is forcing - you have to do without doing (forcing). Oh, Laozi, you were such a wacky cat. Anyway, the "Way" is constant, whether you believe in East Asian philosophies or not. People can sense when you're trying to go against your nature, and it usually turns them off. It may seem difficult, but you can will yourself to not care about this guy who you already sense does not harbor deep feelings for you. It's the whole idea behind that 'no contact' malarkey you read about on these forums - out of sight (or contact), out of mind. Physical beauty is one thing, but to foster the kind of connection you're looking for, you should value your individuality and be affable, funny, and interesting. Do you like film? Music? Novels? Video games? Go to a fan convention or concert to have fun! I usually go to indie shows and sometimes art house film screenings because it's what I enjoy, and it just so happens they're great places to meet people with interests similar to my own. A meaningful relationship will happen for you, you just can't try to force it with an unwilling party, or force yourself to settle for someone who doesn't meet your needs. Edited August 18, 2010 by snowbell
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