paradoxrip Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Hello everyone! My 1st post. I hope you all can shed some light on my dilemma. I am recently divorced. I have 2 young girls after 6 months of healing I decided to start dating a close friend. Here's my dilemma. 1st. She is ALOT younger than I am. 2nd. We've been very close friends for a long time. 3rd. We have had a great relationship. I mean she's been the best friend I've ever had boy or girl. We are so similar it's almost creepy. Before marrage I never had problems finding a date. Carried the lable "slut" by all my female friends. I don't really have any problems now either. I've had a lot of wome come on to me when im out with friends. BUT all I can think about is my Best Friend. I have let her know how I feel and we've started to date. Her problem is she has had 2 horrific break ups before I knew her. When we decided to take it to the next level beyond friends she has REALLY changed towards me. I know what it is. I just don't know how to go about getting around it. She has a HUGE, MASSIVE trust issue. She is completely terrified about getting her heart broken again. She has built this wall up so high I don't know if I can navigate it. Some nights when she has a few drinks she relaxes and opens up and i see the side of her I know I could have a deep relationship with. Then the next day it's back to the emotional stiff arm. She backs off things she's said or downplays them. She then we'll play a cat n mouse game for a few days. I almost gave up but she scrambled, back peddled, and said she'd try harder. She knows she has a problem, she wants to fall in love with me. But its the fear that is controlling her. So the frustration remains. I know she loves me but her fear, anxiety and the stress is dominating her physically and emotionally. Im just confused.
Gallaxia Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 I hope this makes sense but- Do you think it's worth the possibly long wait, for her to shed the walls? Based on the the "real" her that you saw?
Author paradoxrip Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 I hope this makes sense but- Do you think it's worth the possibly long wait, for her to shed the walls? Based on the the "real" her that you saw? That's the tricky part. Yes and no. It's like I get little glimpses here and there. Basically enought to keep me going. Sometime i feel i'm playin a game. I know it's not but I feel like im falling in that trap of the more she pulls away the more I want her. UGH. Just really confused. I'm considering a take away. We basically text throughout each day all day. How do i scale that back without her getting all suspicious or worse?
witabix Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Hi, and welcome to LS. What is the age difference? I have had experience of this too. Keep your distance, gently cool it off and get some space. Just take a little longer replying to texts. Not days or anything just a little bit of extra time each few days. Keep your feelings to yourself as much as you can. that all sounds like game playing but I assure thats not my intention. You say you see a side of her when she has had a drink, I would really warn you on that score. What you see may be an illusion, it may well be a less inhibited side of her, its not possible to tell from here. Don't be 'bull in a china shop', take your time. There is a danger that this will lead into paroxysms of jealousy, but you need to see that now, not in five years time. I will leave you with this thought. You are not her counselor, you are not her doctor, you are not responsible for her past and you are not responsible for fixing her. Cold? I don't think so, realistic hopefully.
Author paradoxrip Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 Hi, and welcome to LS. What is the age difference? I have had experience of this too. Keep your distance, gently cool it off and get some space. Just take a little longer replying to texts. Not days or anything just a little bit of extra time each few days. Keep your feelings to yourself as much as you can. that all sounds like game playing but I assure thats not my intention. You say you see a side of her when she has had a drink, I would really warn you on that score. What you see may be an illusion, it may well be a less inhibited side of her, its not possible to tell from here. Don't be 'bull in a china shop', take your time. There is a danger that this will lead into paroxysms of jealousy, but you need to see that now, not in five years time. I will leave you with this thought. You are not her counselor, you are not her doctor, you are not responsible for her past and you are not responsible for fixing her. Cold? I don't think so, realistic hopefully. Good insight Witabix. Thanks! Our age difference is 19 years. I know some have a real problem with that. But we have been close friends for 2 years. So before there was any romantic feelings we knew everything about each other. So in my opinion age is just a number with the right person. One thing you said is "to keep my feelings to myself". I have identified that as a problem. When we get together or she opens up a little bit to me I ALWAYS seem to kick open the door and let her know the depth of my feelings. I regret it because it leaves no mystery or anything to figure out about me. I have a real problem holding back here and I need to get control of myself I know, but it seems to be a problem. Again, thanks Witabix.
witabix Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Good insight Witabix. Thanks! Our age difference is 19 years. I know some have a real problem with that. But we have been close friends for 2 years. So before there was any romantic feelings we knew everything about each other. So in my opinion age is just a number with the right person. One thing you said is "to keep my feelings to myself". I have identified that as a problem. When we get together or she opens up a little bit to me I ALWAYS seem to kick open the door and let her know the depth of my feelings. I regret it because it leaves no mystery or anything to figure out about me. I have a real problem holding back here and I need to get control of myself I know, but it seems to be a problem. Again, thanks Witabix. Sounding even more familiar to me now....I had a fling with a girl 17 years younger than me and another with a girl 22 years younger than me, I knew both of them before hand also, and with the first we really knew each very well. It all seemed to click into place. Then the cold reality crept in and I saw the real person behind the facade that had been created. No maturity, no self control, and no self respect. As you said though age is a number only, so its not age difference per se. It seems to be a maturity question. There is also a question in my mind as to whether or not there is an issue with the younger persons self identity, a wish to appear more mature by having an older partner. From the older mans perspective I found it awkward sometimes, being with a much younger woman. The level of conversation, expectations from life, and prioritising the important things in life. There are of course the bonuses, but they are superficial and in the final analysis, meaningless. I will never again even entertain the thought of being involved with a woman much younger than myself. I firmly believe in never saying never, so I won't ever say never again. Holding back your feelings is a difficult thing to do, but I think you may understand the importance of keeping your impulses in check. Realise that your doubts are firmly founded, that you must not say anything that cannot be taken back, or do anything that will harm this young lady. She too is in a vulnerable position, although I have said what you are not responsible for, in my previous post, I will say what you are responsible for here. You are responsible for your conduct towards her, you are responsible for not causing her any more harm, you have a duty of care towards her because of current position. Forget love, if you care about her these points hold true. I am not lecturing or giving a 'how to suck eggs 101' lecture. I am trying to impart my experience.
Author paradoxrip Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 (edited) No i really appreciate the input! Well i can only hope the outcome here is a little better off than yours. We'll see. I will continue things at a more slowed down pace and see how it goes from there. I will say it really seems the more aloof i am the more contact she desires. Then when I am more available to her the more distant she becomes. Cat and mouse. I hate it. I really can feel the tug of war within her though. Thanks again! Edited August 18, 2010 by paradoxrip
witabix Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Yes cat and mouse games...pants. I hope it goes well for you both, eternal peace happiness.
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