18yr marriage. I've turned into a cold heart

[sheryl]

My son... Yes I spoke to him later and took his tv away for the night

 

I don't have a problem with him gettting onto our son. What I do have a problem with is using the F word on him, yelling and lack of mature discipline. If we want to see my son change he needs to see us display the same behavior in our home. I'm not a fan of "do what I say not as I do". Although there are things this doesn't apply to like having a drink etc but I don't believe in teaching a child to behave simply out of fear. I'm not an anti-spanker but not on board for it being used alot. Yelling, cursing doesn't solve issues nor does it teach our son how he's suppose to react/act to situations.

 

No there isn't another guy lol. I've sometimes wondered what it was like to have someone way different. Someone to sit by me when we're watching tv. Someone that maybe played with the dogs. Come outside when my son and I were playing or watching him on his skateboard ramps. Someone who laughed at something on tv or cracked a joke. Someone who let me listen to music in the house or was ok with me doing something silly like one evening I didn't realize it was time for him to be home my son and I were playing his ipod and trying to learn some dance called the shuffle the kids are doing I was trying to help him. Hubby comes in and says "what the #ell are you doing". I stopped turned off the music and told him we were just goofing around. He says "well that's real productive" as he rolled his eyes. Why couldn't he just laugh and say "your silly" or something.

 

There's a whole other issue with chores and housework that I can't even bring up now because I'm in between jobs (i willingly left one and starting another soon). But I do all around here. yard work, house work, everything but it's ok i'm not working. but when I was working just a few weeks ago he said it "wasn't his job". I resented watching him sit in his reclyner after work while i was throwing laundry in the washer starting dinner helping son with homework etc. I don't expect a man to come wash a dish but ya could at least offer to do the yard work on your days off instead of sleeping. I have a really hard time with that one. He says that he changes the oil in our vehicles and that's his job.

 

I read something earlier wanted to respond to from Chrome Barracuda:

"back when he used to abuse her and smoke weed, she found him sexually appealing. and now that he changed for the better. He stopped the drug use, became caring and is greater loving now more than ever she doesnt? WTF!?"

 

I've never said he was sexually appealing. It was just sex. That's it. Now it's almost like he wants me to "eel the love" while in the bed and my brain and heart are still kindof "checked out" (if that makes sense). Before I got no heart or kindness from him outside the bedroom or inside the bedroom. Now He wants that in the bedroom but not outside the bedroom. It's really hard to explain. But,anyone can have sex. Opening yourself up and loving someone in the bedroom starts outside the bedroom for women. I've always attempted to look attractive for him because i know that's what men like. Wearing sexy things etc. I think I need to feel an emotional connection outside the bedroom in order to display it inside the bedroom.

 

BUT>>>> regardless this whole thing has just blown up. This morning I was in the garage looking for a smaller flashlight and found his stash. I couldn't believe it at first. THen thought no, surely this is old and something he forgot about or didn't know was there. Then started making connections that would connect that to many of the behaviors I'm "complaining" about. I went in and woke him up and showed him. He hit the roof first phrase was "what the hell were you doing going through the garage were you LOOKING to see if I had anything". I didn't respond. I just left the room. I went back after my son had gotten in the shower and said something like "you know, I just can't believe this. Do you not think being stoned will affect your energy and personality?" he said it doesn't and that he's not hurting anyone. I said well, that's what you think. I think you have a pretty big decision to make because I'm not staying married to a pot head and our son doesn't need a pot head for a dad either. he continued to be defensive saying that's what keeps him feeling normal and I shouldn't have a problem with hit cause he's not hurting me. I just shook my head and walked out. Took my son to school and am back. Hubby's back to sleep again right now.

 

I'm totally devastated here. I have so many things flashing through my head. Mostly being able to connect most of my complaints with this. Telling myself to bail on the marriage but also saying no, his behaviors aren't him - it's the weed. I guess my actions will be based on his decision. We have insurance. I hope he chooses to get help. Even if we were to split up our son needs a dad who's brain isn't fried.

 

I'm just at a total loss for words right now. shocked i guess

Edited August 26, 2010 by sheryl

[keane2010]

I read something earlier wanted to respond to from Chrome Barracuda:

"back when he used to abuse her and smoke weed, she found him sexually appealing. and now that he changed for the better. He stopped the drug use, became caring and is greater loving now more than ever she doesnt? WTF!?"

 

I've never said he was sexually appealing. It was just sex. That's it. Now it's almost like he wants me to "eel the love" while in the bed and my brain and heart are still kindof "checked out" (if that makes sense). Before I got no heart or kindness from him outside the bedroom or inside the bedroom. Now He wants that in the bedroom but not outside the bedroom. It's really hard to explain. But,anyone can have sex. Opening yourself up and loving someone in the bedroom starts outside the bedroom for women. I've always attempted to look attractive for him because i know that's what men like. Wearing sexy things etc. I think I need to feel an emotional connection outside the bedroom in order to display it inside the bedroom.

 

This goes back to a point I tried to make earlier. Some posters might not have the background context to understand what you're going through so its easy to say the problem is yours - he reformed, so what's your problem? I know the intentions were good and apply to many situations here.

 

Maybe it's a closer parallel, but I never knew 'normal' growing up. When I became an adult, I latched onto a marriage I thought was normal. So for years, I assumed the problem was me and I worked really hard to be better. Still, I wondered why we couldn't just do things like watch a movie and laugh together. Finally, it hit me that my wife has serious problems and we'll probably never have 'normal'. She suffers from depression, anxiety and likely borderline personality disorder. So, I've finally started focusing on being who I need to be as a person, but trying to keep the door open for her. And, I tried to be what the kids need to see a balanced childhood instead of just being exposed to a mother who would like nothing better in life than to die.

 

It's probably not relevant, so I apologize, but I blocked the memories of much of my childhood. My wife never got beyond discussing her needs, so it was just never discussed. But I remember how that when I attended a school for troubled boys, there was always a girl who believed in me (she was the daughter of my mother's friend). In high school, my brother and I attended a very small class for gifted kids, and when we went to the normal classes, he got us in fights all the time. Usually, I spent summers on the streets. Stepmothers always seemed to hate me, so I was invited to leave.

 

This same girl always made me eat lunch with her, holding my hand and telling me I needed to get out. She looked like a supermodel, so I wasn't too stupid to oblidge. She dated college guys, so it was never more than a special friend. I moved on and she married.

 

Last week, my wife attended my aunt's funeral for me (I haven't ever returned)and met the woman, who went there because she thought I'd be there. The old friend told my wife about my upbringing, and how she always believed I'd become successful. Our city was notorious for drugs and murders, and my friend was always proud that I didn't follow my peers. So, my wife learned about many fights and a life she's only seen in movies.

 

I can't explain just how wierd this is. Now, my wife has decided my past is the reason we only talk about her and her needs.

[witabix]

Telling myself to bail on the marriage but also saying no, his behaviors aren't him - it's the weed. I guess my actions will be based on his decision. We have insurance. I hope he chooses to get help. Even if we were to split up our son needs a dad who's brain isn't fried.

 

I'm just at a total loss for words right now. shocked i guess

 

I have had some second hand experience of this, from the edges so to speak.

 

My ex had a child with a pot head. She left because of it, its a long and mostly irrelevant story.

 

However I saw a man who was so 'out of it' that his behaviours seemed to me to be totally selfish. His verbally professed love for his child were never ever, I mean not even once, borne out by his actions. We asked once for him to look after his child so we could attend an Amnesty charity thing. He refused. It was once in two years, for one evening. He often cut short his time with his child to hang out with his addictions (Alcohol too), because the child's mother did not want her child in a house full of male pot smokers.

 

I could not believe my exes attitude as it played out, continually saying the same as you, if only he would stop smoking pot he would be a better person. Some people are just rubbish, not deserving, egocentric, weak willed emotional vampires. She sacrificed our relationship because she could not see this.

 

Then she finally saw the reality, it was not addiction, it was the personality. He stood in family court and told bare faced lies, with his family behind him. The judge believed him. She was distraught that the man she thought had the 'soul of a poet' would do such a thing to her.

 

Sheryl, see past the drugs. If I have read this thread right, you thought he had given up? See past the drug, see the core of lying. See the selfishness, see how treats his son, look at your life now. Is this what you want? Is this all you can aspire to?

 

I am sure I am seeing this through the lens of my life, and the bitterness that that entails, and I do not have a deep well of knowledge on addiction. But I, for one do not believe this is ever the case - "his behaviors aren't him - it's the weed".

 

I have had my own alcohol problem, the monster that that releases is part me.

[sheryl]

Well, here it is 1:00 in the afternoon. He got up at about 12ish and was in his reclyner. I asked what he had planned today and he said I dunno. He went and took a shower and is back in his chair watching a show about how somethings made. Neither one of us has brought it up. I guess I figure I don't have much of anything to say right now. How could i not know he was smoking again. That stuff stinks! smells like a skunk.

[2sunny]

Well, here it is 1:00 in the afternoon. He got up at about 12ish and was in his reclyner. I asked what he had planned today and he said I dunno. He went and took a shower and is back in his chair watching a show about how somethings made. Neither one of us has brought it up. I guess I figure I don't have much of anything to say right now. How could i not know he was smoking again. That stuff stinks! smells like a skunk.

 

since he has given you evidence that nothing is going to change for him - what are YOU planning to do now?

[sheryl]

Well, to be honest..... I'm getting some things done. Cleaning out some closets and etc. I figure if I don't do anything he's not going to either. I asked him last night if he was doing anything about his "habit" and he responded with "i still don't know why it bugs you so much". I only said "well, obviously finishing your life alone won't bother you". He said "you've got to be freakin kidding me!!" I walked out and haven't spoken to him since.

[2sunny]

Well, to be honest..... I'm getting some things done. Cleaning out some closets and etc. I figure if I don't do anything he's not going to either. I asked him last night if he was doing anything about his "habit" and he responded with "i still don't know why it bugs you so much". I only said "well, obviously finishing your life alone won't bother you". He said "you've got to be freakin kidding me!!" I walked out and haven't spoken to him since.

 

well good. those are words - what action are you doing that makes him understand you aren't just blowing smoke up his a$$?

[sheryl]

Absolutely nothing. At this point I don't really care whether he believes me or not. If he doesn't consider me and his son more important that freakin pot then screw him. I'm done.

 

At this moment, I have no desire to hear how much I should be trying this, or talking about that or anything else. I don't have much to loose at this point. I can't believe I was having such a rough time trying to figure out why he was back into these weird states to find out he was just sneaking the stuff.

 

To answer your question of what am I doing... I'm sorting out 20years of crap. Does he know I am? No idea and don't really care. He probably assumes I'm doing my usual cleaning as he sits. If he can sit there and act like he dont' care then I'm not messing with him. He's a big boy and I'm not his mother. I can't spend another 20years "threatening". I graduated highschool about 26years ago. not playing around with him. He's wasting my time.

[TinaniT]

Once you have been through all that abuse, it can be hard to take back something -especially if it wasn't grounded firmly outside the abuse to begin with.

 

Unless someone has been through it, it may be hard to understand.

 

Someone deciding to change doesn't undo everything you have been through and how you had to compensate with yourself to get through.

 

Especially if the change seems very lackluster, only dropping the hideous things and not trying to be better at a time when you have gotten so fed up and wanting something you never had

 

Got hugs for you, that is all. And I wouldn't take some of these comments to heart. They are missing the point of what you have been through and how that leads you to where you are now. It's not that you had an abusive man and then you met a different nice man you couldn't be attracted to. The history is still there.

 

A single coat of paint doesn't cover up mildew.

[TinaniT]

Read the rest. Thin coat of paint was right - not much real change!

 

 

It's pretty simple. He has stopped the worst behavior. But the selfish roots of it are still there. She is tired of it and they never developed a healthy way to deal with all this.

 

It could recover but it would require true change (and lots of counselling) from both of them, and he's not really showing that... and there's still the chance she's too hurt and just like a spouse that cheats on their wife, there's a lot of recovering to do and repenting for him to do to make it truly work again. It's still betrayal. A betrayal she experienced fully over a long time.