18yr marriage. I've turned into a cold heart

[Silly_Girl]

I was in an abusive relationship for 8 years, I spent the most part just surviving each event or betrayal or bad patch. Just making it through.

 

My SO did something major, very major, and was so grateful to me for having him back that for 2 months he was okay, normal. Not wonderful, not amazing, not OTT, just normal. That's when my feelings of resentment for the previous years came to the surface. I felt 'safe' to address issues there was no way I'd have had energy or headspace to address previously. That led him to play victim, that 'nothing's good enough'. He soon turned back to his good ol' ways so I didn't progress to where you are now.

 

You don't respect your husband and it's possible you never will. I completely see where you're coming from but also think your husband needs chance to progress further, counselling of his own...?

 

Some of the things that frustrate you now, do you think there's chance you could be more gentle (which I think he needs) in a letter? And does he feel you're investing too? Are there things you need to work on, or is it all pretty much in his area? Does he know that even with the history you have, he has the right to speak up and talk to you if he feels he needs more?

[Danger]

I'm saying a guy who doesn't really try consistently is a mediocre man. Most people are on a forum like this because we care and want to try, but we forget that outside of this sphere, society is changing into the 'me' generation. From her post, can you really imagine that husband singing her a love song in a bar, or renting airspace on the radio to tell her he loves her? If you face reality, my point is that a guy who spent many years verbally abusive might stop these things, but will be very unlikely to address his marriage proactively unless he genuinely fears the loss of the relationship.

 

If those are the expectations a woman has......the "Me Generation" has afflicted her far more than it has him.

 

I definitely think it's a mistake to call a man mediocre for not doing such things as that. Although I do agree that men or women who do not try consistently for anything during their lives are mediocre.

[Nikki Sahagin]

It's sad because he was such a destructive force when he was younger but he has settled down and matured. You cant stand it?!

 

Wow, what i heard about females remain true, they are always attracted to bad boys, no matter what age.

 

I dont say that to be mean, but realistically, your about to throw a good man away, for nothing.

 

I'm sure he'll have no problem finding a dime piece to be with, after you have gone.

 

are you sure you wanna throw him away to chase other men, cause believe me your not missing anything, once you done did it all. You'll be back to square one.

 

Why dont you take him on a vacation and make it an adventure for both of you. He's changed for the better, why go backwards?

 

I do NOT seriously get that.

 

I think its more that she has built up a lot of resentment and possibly hatred for this man during the period of time when he was flawed and abusive. Now that he has changed, she still remembers that bad man. I mean I personally would always be wondering if it was an act? If the old person might resurface any day? Although i'd be greatful someone had changed for me I think I would still resent that it took me leaving for them to finally cut it out. I also think its very true she may have been drawn to him BECAUSE she was seeing through the eyes of an abuse victim and so she was drawn to someone that now, as an older and different person, she just isn't attracted to in any way.

 

I think this is always about being released from the shackles of 'victim'. The OP has been a victim with her family and her partner in the past, maybe now she wants to be the one with the power, the one who inflicts the hurt? I'm not saying OP that you are intentionally trying to hurt your husband to give him a taste of his own medicine but maybe you are thinking that being single or being with other men would make you feel powerful i.e. not a victim? I think if you want to leave him, the focus should be on SINGLE life with the POSSIBILITY of finding a new man. The real singles market is more of a meat market than a love market.

 

I'm guessing you just want to be free after years of feeling trapped by abuse?

[Nikki Sahagin]

Pretty much agreed. He's become an uber-beta and she's disgusted. He did everything that his wife and the marriage counselor asked him to do, and it's completely back-fired! It's pretty typical that what women want and what they are attracted to are rarely the same and often contradictory.

 

Thus far most of the responses to the thread are as predictable as this woman's story in that the commonly accepted notion of what makes an attractive husband is completely and utterly wrong.

 

I think men and women have a discrepancy between what they are drawn to sexually and socially. Men have the madonna/whore complex; they want a woman to be sexual (but not a whore) but also angelic (but not too nice.) I think women have something similar to this; we want respect, to be loved etc, but we also want a man who is powerful and sexy (and a pushover isn't sexy). I think the problem may be that the husband turned from Mr Horrible to Mr Doormat. If he really learned anything he would have settled in the middle; he would be respectful but maintain a spark of life; still have opinions and some life in him.

 

Nobody wants to be abused.

And nobody wants a slave.

At least...no 'normal' people.

And I think too many men AND women fall into the extremity of being 'too nice' or 'too jerky' and people don't like those extremes.

[Prophet]

When Lois Lane met Superman he was fighting crime, could bend steel in his bare hands, stop locomotives, leap over tall buildings in a single bound; hell, Superman could fly! Then he met Lois and swept her away, rocked her world in the sack and fell in love with her because thats what Men do. After a year of this whirwind Lois starts nagging Superman, "Why do you have to always be out there fighting crime, huh? Why do you always have to prove you're so Macho? Does it threaten your Ego? You really need to get in touch with your feminine side. What about MY needs and why can't you get a real job? I'm not getting any younger you know, you've got some responsibilities to live up to. When am I gonna see a ring?"

 

So eventually this wears down on Superman and he submits to Lois' requests (demands?). After all he 'should' really 'grow up' anyway, right? It's the right thing to do. So Superman changes his name to Clark Kent (Super-'MAN' was so male-self-agrandizing anyway) and lands a job as a reporter at a great metropolitan newspaper. Clark begins wearing glasses - even though he can see X-Rays, and shoot lasers out his eyes, he wears them because Lois says it makes him look Metrosexual and SHE likes them.

 

Time goes on and Lois and Clark marry. 5 years into the marriage Lois gets bored. Same old, same old. Clark is so mundane and unassuming. She longed for the days he would fly and do that funny steel bending trick he used to do when they were dating. He hasn't done any of that for so long; not because he can't, but because he's afraid she'll get upset with him and not put out that evening if he gets 'cocky' with her. In fact she's not putting out even half as much as she used to these days. Clark just doesn't arouse her as much as he used to and she just can't seem to put her finger on the reason for it.

 

Then one day Lois ran into a guy named Bruce Wayne. Bruce was dark, mysterious and in great shape! He couldn't fly, but he made up for that in so many other ways. He fought crime! He wore a mask and spoke in short, purposeful sentences, never mincing words. He didn't wear glasses (that was so retro!) and he came and went at the time of his pleasing, not hers. He was a vigilante, a maverick. He sent shivers down Lois' spine (and other places that hadn't felt shivers in a while) when he began seeing her.

 

Then one day, after a 60 hour work week at the Daily Planet (swanky apartments don't rent cheap), Clark made his way home on the subway (since flying was out of the question) and picked up a dozen roses to suprise Lois with (she tended to put out when he showed his 'feminine side') when he got back to the apartment. However it was poor Clark who got the surprise upon discovering Bruce Wayne bending Lois over the kitchen table when he opend the door. Bruce promptly towled off while Clark, slack-jawed with horror, watched speechless.

 

"How could you? After all we've meant to each other!" Clark began to cry as Bruce excused himself from the now estranged couple. Clark was used to crying a lot now to show his sensitivity.

 

"What could you have possibly seen in a guy like that?!" He shrieked like a school girl.

 

"Well,.." Lois said indifferently, "Batman is a Superhero."

[Woggle]

When Lois Lane met Superman he was fighting crime, could bend steel in his bare hands, stop locomotives, leap over tall buildings in a single bound; hell, Superman could fly! Then he met Lois and swept her away, rocked her world in the sack and fell in love with her because thats what Men do. After a year of this whirwind Lois starts nagging Superman, "Why do you have to always be out there fighting crime, huh? Why do you always have to prove you're so Macho? Does it threaten your Ego? You really need to get in touch with your feminine side. What about MY needs and why can't you get a real job? I'm not getting any younger you know, you've got some responsibilities to live up to. When am I gonna see a ring?"

 

So eventually this wears down on Superman and he submits to Lois' requests (demands?). After all he 'should' really 'grow up' anyway, right? It's the right thing to do. So Superman changes his name to Clark Kent (Super-'MAN' was so male-self-agrandizing anyway) and lands a job as a reporter at a great metropolitan newspaper. Clark begins wearing glasses - even though he can see X-Rays, and shoot lasers out his eyes, he wears them because Lois says it makes him look Metrosexual and SHE likes them.

 

Time goes on and Lois and Clark marry. 5 years into the marriage Lois gets bored. Same old, same old. Clark is so mundane and unassuming. She longed for the days he would fly and do that funny steel bending trick he used to do when they were dating. He hasn't done any of that for so long; not because he can't, but because he's afraid she'll get upset with him and not put out that evening if he gets 'cocky' with her. In fact she's not putting out even half as much as she used to these days. Clark just doesn't arouse her as much as he used to and she just can't seem to put her finger on the reason for it.

 

Then one day Lois ran into a guy named Bruce Wayne. Bruce was dark, mysterious and in great shape! He couldn't fly, but he made up for that in so many other ways. He fought crime! He wore a mask and spoke in short, purposeful sentences, never mincing words. He didn't wear glasses (that was so retro!) and he came and went at the time of his pleasing, not hers. He was a vigilante, a maverick. He sent shivers down Lois' spine (and other places that hadn't felt shivers in a while) when he began seeing her.

 

Then one day, after a 60 hour work week at the Daily Planet (swanky apartments don't rent cheap), Clark made his way home on the subway (since flying was out of the question) and picked up a dozen roses to suprise Lois with (she tended to put out when he showed his 'feminine side') when he got back to the apartment. However it was poor Clark who got the surprise upon discovering Bruce Wayne bending Lois over the kitchen table when he opend the door. Bruce promptly towled off while Clark, slack-jawed with horror, watched speechless.

 

"How could you? After all we've meant to each other!" Clark began to cry as Bruce excused himself from the now estranged couple. Clark was used to crying a lot now to show his sensitivity.

 

"What could you have possibly seen in a guy like that?!" He shrieked like a school girl.

 

"Well,.." Lois said indifferently, "Batman is a Superhero."

 

This is just golden. It could be turned into a story where she emasculates one superhero after another and gets bored with them.

[sheryl]

Okay, I've spent a little down time thinking here. We all know men and women think differently and have different needs. Something that I've learned is that doing things for your spouse and contributing to marriage needs to be what THEY want/need what you would necessarily want/need. So... having said that I realize that most (i said most) men need to feel appreciated. If he were to do something small such as put his socks in the hamper my attitude may be that of "it's about time and why should i thank him for something he should be doing anyhow". But.... I need to think about all the changes he has done over the last year. For him.. .these changes have been major life chaning huge accomplishments. To me it's him merely being bearable to live with. I've begun a quest of making sure that every day I tell him thank you for something. Or basically find some way to show him I appreciate him or something he has done.

 

Although he was a total dic# and I was a complete dumba$$ for staying and puttin gup with... that's over. I chose to stay. I chose to give him another chance and I need to continue to help him grow and change and do it positively. In putting myself in his shoes it could be very frustrating to make so many changes to feel like it's just never good enough. He needs to be given credit for his steps this far and encouragment to continue. I think part of me inside is scared to death I'm going to put my heart and innerself out on a chopping block -----again. I'm not whinning about being a victim but will say that there are no words to the hurt, scars and emotional devastation his past has caused me. I hurt and cried for so many years. I begged him, pleaded with him, and spent so many years trying to please him. Daily life was unsuccessfully walking on egg shells. Makeing sure the house was clean before he got home, being attentive to anything that may upset him to have him go off on me about something anyhow. I went past being hurt, quit crying so much, went past being angry with him to a place where I felt "numb". Extremely indifferent. He waits until I've totally checked out emotionally to decide to change.

 

My point is that I think if this is to work I have to take a few steps back and try to be more receptive to his changes and open myself to grow with him. But I don't think he's going to grow anymore unless I encourage it in a positive way and get rid of the thinking of "so he's become normal and he wants a pat on the back for THAT?"

 

I also wanted to comment on the sex. Yes, sex use to be just that - sex. I think what could be happening here is that he's changing in the bedroom too. (not that I asked him too this was on his own). We're at a place where sex has the potential to have much more meaning and an expression of love. and since my heart is not there I'm not in a place to open up and be receptive of "love" rather than "porn sex". Does that make sense? Sometimes it's hard to correctly convey your thoughts in writing.

 

There is a new pop song out by La Roux called "Bulletproof". (kind of an 80"s electro song)

 

This time baby

I'll be Bulletproof

I'll never let you sweep me off my feet

I wont let you in again

etc etc

 

It's a very defiant song because she's talking about not getting hurt again and how she feels hardened by her experience. Kindof a bitch fight back song.

 

This may sound corney but when I hear that song I tear up so I try to avoid it if it comes on the radio. What's that say? I obviously have some major house cleaning to do inside myself. I'll get there. I have to.

 

(it's kindof a catchy pop song if you like that type music although she has a "differen't style

) Edited August 23, 2010 by sheryl

[carhill]

First rule of MC was 'the past is the past and we're here to move forward. Accept the past'

 

If you can talk with your H about this and you can both communicate your acceptances of the past, it is possible to create a new intimacy, trust and love in the *now*. Best wishes with that

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I like your most recent post sheryl, it shows that you are in it for the long haul, and more importantly that you understand that "sheryl can only change sheryl..."

 

You also acknowledged that you have work to do on yourself.

 

I hope that the two of you will grow closer together through MC...

Edited August 23, 2010 by She's_NotInLove_w/Me

[Distant78]

This is just golden. It could be turned into a story where she emasculates one superhero after another and gets bored with them.

:lmao:

 

That was one of the funniest I ever read. I wouldn't be surprised if Superman used his heat-ray vision to burn Batman and Lois!!

[tami-chan]

Then: You were unhappy with how the man treated you, yet there was sexual attraction.

 

Now: He's straightened up his "act", dropped the pot and asks to discuss what's wrong. Now you have lost all sexual attraction.

 

 

What exactly is there left to debate? You broke him, and now you are bored.

 

HE broke her....years of emotional abuse can sometimes do that to someone. Something died inside her. Sheryl, you tried-maybe his change came a little too late. Take care of you-go to counseling. He can wait if he wants, but no promises, you still might not want to be with him.

[Woggle]

I understand the resentment from the years of mistreatment but he can't go back in the past and change that. Time travel has not been invented so you can either forgive him and look ahead or leave him. I would not blame you if you left but you can't keep going on the way it is now.

[blizzard]

I have been married 10yrs. My H and I dated for 6 years prior to marrying. I understand how you feel. I read your post and felt some similarities...

 

It's resentment. My MC counselor told me that I was holding my husband hostage to the past...and she felt as if I actually liked it. Needless to say, I disagreed with her and I never went back. That was a year ago. Now, I see it. You're empty. You remained passive like I did for so long...being the giver since day one. Making him happy. My husband has his limelight. His hobbies. His life. The life that never includes me. I have never been a priority. I always sacrificed my time so that he could have his. We don't have marital bond. Sex has always been sex. He isn't physically affectionate and swears he can't change that. When we married I thought old love would change this...he would grow to be tender. But we just grew further apart. And I grew angrier. Tired. I didn't even like him anymore. Our counselor labeled us "emotionally disconnected." He couldn't fathom how I could just fall out of love so quickly. But he didn't see it. Refused to hear it through the years. Swept our problems under the rug. And I continued to live in his shadow. He didn't understand that I checked out years ago. So he tried to change. But you see, I don't believe in inner change. If you want someone to be different than YOU have to be different. I believe ppl try to change...but instead they just take on different forms. Like water. It can ice or it can be a slushy...but at the end of the day it's still water. We are who we are. We only try to better ourselves...

 

So he started doing the dishes, laundry and buying flowers. He said he could change. He said "like a lightswitch, he could flip it off or on" for the sake of our marriage. This made me furious. Resentment. How can it be so easy? After all of these years of me exhausting myself mentally, physically and emotionally you can now "change" just like that!?? Well, sex didn't change. Affection didn't change. Prioritizing us didn't change. Disrespect was still instilled in him. He just kept missing the root of the problem. And I still got angrier. Why is it so easy for him? Our marriage has come to this...now he can be glorified? When I attempted to things for myself he became untrusting. If I bought clothes...panties god forbid...it was for someone else. I lost a good bit of weight when I took up running. Running started out as mental relief for me...then I got pretty good at it so I started doing it more often. In addition I experienced seperation stress, I lost even more weight. This was all for someone else so he said.

Well, here we are still seperated. I did end up having an affair that he deamed me guilty of for so long. He discovered it which made things even worse. I just stopped caring. He didn't trust me. He wasn't hearing me. I felt our marriage was loveless and I was unvalidated. Now, we are just going through the motions. Two ships passing in the night for financial/kids. It's sad really. All I think of is how I failed my marriage, but most of all my kids.

I will say this...I am finally getting stronger. Finding an inner happiness. I am getting out and doing things I enjoy and it feels great! I have friends that I like...being I lost most of mine b/c he didn't like them. I stay busy. I do get lonely. I miss his companionship in the way of him just "being" there...but I don't feel like there is a void. I encourage you to branch out and do things you enjoy. Find freedom of having happiness from within. See where this takes your marriage. You may grow apart...or you may find that you miss him. It may be a little too late. Like us. Your husband isn't done yet...he needs MC. Sitting around the house all day doesn't feed a marriage. Especially a troubled one. I understand how you are going bonkers.

((Best wishes to you)).

Edited August 25, 2010 by blizzard

[Star_Bright]

Hi. I am not married and I am new to these forums and just browsing a lot of them so please feel free to disregard my advice. But I think you have every right to feel the way you do. You are not as old as you feel. If you are not happy with him, if you never loved him and he is not what you want, go out and live on your own and be happy. Who cares if you never find someone else?? But I'm sure you will. Live is short and if you are feeling this way then don't think you have to stay with him just because you are afraid of venturing out on your own.

 

I think you have gotten some harsh comments and IMHO a couple of the men here are afraid of what you are showing them. They need to liven up and care about themselves or no one will want to be or stay with them. That is just my take, reading through your thread. The ones that have given you problems are so defensive that I think you hit a chord with them (not that I know them personally, I've only read their posts on here of course).

 

I liked what Keane had to say. Live your life. Without fear or regrets. If you have moved past him (and you were never that into him in the first place), move on. I bet you won't regret it. I've heard that women blossom after divorce and from what I've read on here it seems to hold true. Let us know what you decide to do, all the best.

[Star_Bright]

When Lois Lane met Superman he was fighting crime, could bend steel in his bare hands, stop locomotives, leap over tall buildings in a single bound; hell, Superman could fly! Then he met Lois and swept her away, rocked her world in the sack and fell in love with her because thats what Men do. After a year of this whirwind Lois starts nagging Superman, "Why do you have to always be out there fighting crime, huh? Why do you always have to prove you're so Macho? Does it threaten your Ego? You really need to get in touch with your feminine side. What about MY needs and why can't you get a real job? I'm not getting any younger you know, you've got some responsibilities to live up to. When am I gonna see a ring?"

 

So eventually this wears down on Superman and he submits to Lois' requests (demands?). After all he 'should' really 'grow up' anyway, right? It's the right thing to do. So Superman changes his name to Clark Kent (Super-'MAN' was so male-self-agrandizing anyway) and lands a job as a reporter at a great metropolitan newspaper. Clark begins wearing glasses - even though he can see X-Rays, and shoot lasers out his eyes, he wears them because Lois says it makes him look Metrosexual and SHE likes them.

 

Time goes on and Lois and Clark marry. 5 years into the marriage Lois gets bored. Same old, same old. Clark is so mundane and unassuming. She longed for the days he would fly and do that funny steel bending trick he used to do when they were dating. He hasn't done any of that for so long; not because he can't, but because he's afraid she'll get upset with him and not put out that evening if he gets 'cocky' with her. In fact she's not putting out even half as much as she used to these days. Clark just doesn't arouse her as much as he used to and she just can't seem to put her finger on the reason for it.

 

Then one day Lois ran into a guy named Bruce Wayne. Bruce was dark, mysterious and in great shape! He couldn't fly, but he made up for that in so many other ways. He fought crime! He wore a mask and spoke in short, purposeful sentences, never mincing words. He didn't wear glasses (that was so retro!) and he came and went at the time of his pleasing, not hers. He was a vigilante, a maverick. He sent shivers down Lois' spine (and other places that hadn't felt shivers in a while) when he began seeing her.

 

Then one day, after a 60 hour work week at the Daily Planet (swanky apartments don't rent cheap), Clark made his way home on the subway (since flying was out of the question) and picked up a dozen roses to suprise Lois with (she tended to put out when he showed his 'feminine side') when he got back to the apartment. However it was poor Clark who got the surprise upon discovering Bruce Wayne bending Lois over the kitchen table when he opend the door. Bruce promptly towled off while Clark, slack-jawed with horror, watched speechless.

 

"How could you? After all we've meant to each other!" Clark began to cry as Bruce excused himself from the now estranged couple. Clark was used to crying a lot now to show his sensitivity.

 

"What could you have possibly seen in a guy like that?!" He shrieked like a school girl.

 

"Well,.." Lois said indifferently, "Batman is a Superhero."

 

Sorry this is a funny tale but what does this have to do with her story? Her husband wasn't a Superhero. He was a pot addict and emotionally abusive to her. I don't get it.

[Chrome Barracuda]

...Anyone smell troll here???

 

I'm sorry but dont make the argument gender related. no one is oppressing her, no man is telling to specifically stay, we all are leaving our opinions on this stage. We as men have women leaving us for the dumbest crap you have ever heard of. No one is telling her to stay. Bottom line is this man she is MARRIED to, is a changed man. back when he used to abuse her and smoke weed, she found him sexually appealing. and now that he changed for the better. He stopped the drug use, became caring and is greater loving now more than ever she doesnt? WTF!?

 

So the problem isnt him, it's her right now, specifically.

 

Dont be a little gender biased cheerleader and wish death on her marriage where her husband has done right by her, now. I could understand if he was cheating or beating her or financially hurting her or ruining her life. But he isnt, and yet. You damn females arent satisfied!

 

Damned if he does, Damned if he dont.

[Distant78]

...Anyone smell troll here???

 

I'm sorry but dont make the argument gender related. no one is oppressing her, no man is telling to specifically stay, we all are leaving our opinions on this stage. We as men have women leaving us for the dumbest crap you have ever heard of. No one is telling her to stay. Bottom line is this man she is MARRIED to, is a changed man. back when he used to abuse her and smoke weed, she found him sexually appealing. and now that he changed for the better. He stopped the drug use, became caring and is greater loving now more than ever she doesnt? WTF!?

 

So the problem isnt him, it's her right now, specifically.

 

Dont be a little gender biased cheerleader and wish death on her marriage where her husband has done right by her, now. I could understand if he was cheating or beating her or financially hurting her or ruining her life. But he isnt, and yet. You damn females arent satisfied!

 

Damned if he does, Damned if he dont.

 

Exactly, and she's trying to get her husband to act like he's 22 again and go skydiving and jumping off skyscrapers. So she verbally abuses him because he's tired from working his arse off to put food on the table and he shuts down, never speaking to her unless its important. I can see why he tries to get as much sleep as possible. Then she might have an affair, thinking OM restored a flame in her body, all the while hoping to wake up her husband positively, but that will backfire.

[dreamingoftigers]

He works 4 10's as a boat salesmen. things are slow right now and he's been mentioning it being boring at work. With the 4 10's I figure the first day off would be sleep, relaxing etc. Maybe even part of the 2nd day off. But by the 3rd I'd really like to see him alive a little. I dunno, this tends to be draining lol.

 

Not sure. He's 47 and literally smoked pot daily (from first am till bedtime) from about age 19. I think it's lack of activity. You can't eat all day and keep your hand in the cereal box all night with no activity and expect to keep a healty weight. However, I WILL say I've always been thin and difficult to gain weight so I can't say for sure But that's just my 2cents. He seems pretty healthy otherwise. I could be wrong.

 

 

I look back over the years and in the beginning. I can't say that I loved him. Someone wanted me and I was a single mom. I remember when we discussed getting married he needed dental work and if we married I could put him on my insurance so we proceeded. He wanted to go to Reno (we lived in CA) so we did. (the little drive by marriage places) I did care about him alot and respected the fact that he was a very responsible and intelligent man. (people always come to him with help on boats, mechanical things etc) and I know he'd never ever consider cheating. He looks and drewls like anyone else but he'd never act on anything. I know I can trust him.

 

We never had anything like affection closeness things like that. In fact I don't know how I'd react if I had someone try to be physically affectionate lol. Even sex was always, well, basically just porn

 

This morning he said I thought you just did laundry where are all my socks at? I said I did but I don't recall seeing any of your socks. I went over by his chair and sure nuff there were a total of 4 pair of socks over by the air vent between his chair and the wall (kindof outta sight). I said if you could put them in the hamper or close to it where I could see them they'd get washed when i gather the hampers. He says "if you didn't wait all week to clean the house they'd of been in the hamper" He has a point, I should have gone around and gathered any other dirty clothes but that's just freakin lazy. If you want something washed ya can at least put an effort to using the hamper. I'm sorry but that just pissed me off.

 

Last night he was watching Myth Busters on TV. My son asked him if he'd play battleship with him and he said to get it out. My son got it out, set it up on the coffee table in the living room and said something like "come on dad!" He looked at me and asked me if i'd help him (my son) move the coffee table over closer to his chair. I said can we go in the other room for just a second please. Afte an "uh" he did. I said "i Just wanted to say that this is an example of these little things that I really wish we could work on. Your boy just wants you to play with him and I'm glad you are. But he needs to feel you are interested and want to. And I think that if you got up and went to him or at least you initiate helping him move the table it would make a big difference in his perception of you and mine too. (can't member exact words but close enough) He said "oh my god it's just never ending with you" and that was the end of it. Now... I never raised my voice, tried approaching in a nice calm way and didn't point finger etc and felt that he didn't take me serious.

 

Distant made a comment about when he's 60 he won't be as active as he was 20years ago. My first thought was OH GREAT! lol

 

Well, I'm gonna be honest here I feel "drained" tired of thinking about it. tired of trying to figure out stuff. I'll probably wait a little and quit thinking about all this then maybe look into asking him to go to that marriage counselor I'd found. I really liked that guy. He was frank, blunt and didn't seem full of pooh. My husband seemed receptive to him also.

 

You are running yourself ragged trying to corral and change this man. Something tells me that this is a really fresh recovery and that you need to back off. Did you do any recovery work for being co-dependent?

 

So much I have read tells me that you are still VERY co-dependent and reactive to this guy. Read the 12 Steps for Co-dependents before YOU destroy this marriage. Trust me, he can't change fast enough to keep you happy.

 

A common theme throughout this thread has been you saying things about you "being nasty and a bitch." Your complaints are valid. But you are capitulating to his laziness or shaming him about it. Both ways back this guy into a corner and he has no choice but to surrender or fight it out with you, no wonder you don't feel like you love him.

 

He is not innocent, he is flawed and sounds kind of miserable, but you my dear are a victim. The first thing you do to rebuild a marriage: LOVE YOUR HUSBAND.

 

This doesn't mean feel love for your husband, love is a verb. It means act in loving ways towards your husband and stop shaming him. No one deserves that. And don't say, "well he blah blah blah" because his behaviour should not change your personal standards and you should be able to say to yourself "I do not shame people no matter what they do, I address issues and behaviours with dignity and without nagging them to death."

 

My husband is a recovering addict, I needed to face my own character everyday. I need to face my own resentments towards him everyday. It is a bitter pill to swallow. I also realize that if I don't face these things, it is I who does not grow as a person.

 

When your lazy man wants to be lazy and get you to do things for him, do not indulge him, because what you are doing is indulging him and then resenting him for it. Why should he think he has done anything wrong? He hasn't. He asked for something and you gave. You have trained him to do this. Quit it.

 

I realize that this is a rambly post but I think you should also read Boundaries, where you and I begin.

 

Part of healing from co-dependency is not just learning to not take responsibility for you addict husband, but also realizing that he is not responsible for your moods. If you are mad, write down the behaviours you are mad about and then take a 15 minute walk and let him stew and correct it. Praise him when he does something good by you, you'll both feel better. Try to find something you are grateful for in the relationship, even if you have to meditate for 10 minutes to find it, you will value that thought much more than the negative ones that pop into your head automatically when you see him in his chair.

 

Becoming happy after living a life of misery takes work.

[dreamingoftigers]

Pretty much agreed. He's become an uber-beta and she's disgusted. He did everything that his wife and the marriage counselor asked him to do, and it's completely back-fired! It's pretty typical that what women want and what they are attracted to are rarely the same and often contradictory.

 

Thus far most of the responses to the thread are as predictable as this woman's story in that the commonly accepted notion of what makes an attractive husband is completely and utterly wrong.

 

Sexual attraction for women is based on emotional-responsiveness, if she ain't feeling cherished, admired or sexy, she ain't going to be attracted to it. Why are guys so stumped by this?

[sheryl]

Exactly, and she's trying to get her husband to act like he's 22 again and go skydiving and jumping off skyscrapers. So she verbally abuses him because he's tired from working his arse off to put food on the table and he shuts down, never speaking to her unless its important. I can see why he tries to get as much sleep as possible. Then she might have an affair, thinking OM restored a flame in her body, all the while hoping to wake up her husband positively, but that will backfire.

 

Some of these posts are getting out of hand. That's ok. Please just don't post to argue or be mean to anyone else That's not what this is for. We all have different opinions as long as they are put out in a civil manner if someone says something offensive we should just move over it.

 

Regarless:

 

 

Update.... I asked to speak to him this afternoon. I told him I wanted a conversation where neither one of us were pointing fingers at each other but rather at ourselves - including me. Having said that I told him how I felt at this time. I feel that we are both kindof miserable and we need to look at ourselves and start putting forth effort. He said he did all this and it wasn't good enough. My response was if you want me to look past the past and who you use to be looking forward then he needed to do the same. Rather than thinking about what he came from think about who he has the potential to be.

There is so much more I've not told you all because it's just lenghty. It's hard to get a life in on a post or two.

 

One of the biggest things is our son. Yesterday my son smarted off about something. My husband yelled "You know what! Why can't we have a normal fuc'ing kid. You know we can't even enjoy being around you because your suck a brat all the time" I looked at him and said "hey hey come on. your an adult here". My son replied back to my husband "well why can't i have normal parents'. My husband says "we are perfectly normal when your not around". I kindof lost it. I asked my husband to step out on the back deck so we could talk not in front of our son. He wouldn't. So i told my son to go to his room so we could talk. I said why can't you just respond to him that he can't do that and if continues then actual discipline rather than lashing out at him. His reply to me was "here we go again, I can't fuc'ing do anything right can I".

 

My son has been brushing his hair down flat. Husband thinks it's horrible but all the other kids are doing it. He says to him "you realize how stupid that looks don't you'.

 

 

I don't recall who it was that commented on my issue with my husband "resting'. he's had 3 days off work. 1st day he got up at 4pm in the afternoon then rest of the day in reclyner. 2nd day up about 1:30pm and is now currently still in recyliner. little bit ago i was getting my shoes on and he asked where i was going i said to finish the yard i started it but haven't finishe. He said no cause I'd be making him look bad. I said, I'm not making you look like anything. Your making yourself look bad.

 

We just have so much to work on. I told him that I wanted to give us a month of both putting forth everything we can to see if we're going to be able to do this. If not I wanted out. I'll be the bad guy. I'm not worried that much about "finding another". I'd rather be single than live like this. Judge point, whatever i'm doing wrong. at this point i'm kindof burnt out on it all. but I will do what i said and try to do this over the next month or so. I have to know it's not me. (yeah that sounded good too - i know)

[witabix]

That blow out on your son sounds quite bad. I find it hard to get into what exactly was going on in his head, all I can offer is that attack sounded like he was either blaming your son for your troubles or making a diverted attack on you by lashing out at the boy.

 

As for why he would do either I have no idea. Do you?

 

I think it was me that talked about tiredness previously too, if you are really exhausted you become short tempered, I know you probably know that, it was just a thought. Doing four ten hour days really isn't enough to warrant physical exhaustion as a reason. But maybe there is something else.

 

Of course if you make a big effort and he doesn't that will just add to your disillusionment in the end. If all he ever does is say stuff like your quote then I don't really know where you go with this. That kind of thing becomes like a mantra.

[sheryl]

Ok, like I said it's really hard to put our whole life into posts lol. On the sleeping tired thingie that's another thing that's drastically improved. See he use to sleep for nearly 2 days. and no I poop you not. He would sleep all the way through one day and get up half way through the second. I use to always tell him that too much sleep was probably making him tired.

 

After he quit the pot the sleeping come up to what it is now. It has nothing to do with his work. He's sitting at a desk all day. My last position had me working over 60 hours a week (i'd work on laptop from home alot in evenings and weekends) and I didn't sleep that much. He's not doing anything to be tired. He's not working out in the sun or doing any manual labor.

 

Here goes that B word in me again. He's freakin lazy. He needs to snap out of this. Sometimes I wonder if he regrets quitting the pot. I really do. I think he misses it. He would smoke anywhere from 2-4 joints a day but you would never know. No red eyes etc. He never hung around any other's with it or anthing but of course he's never hung around anyone anyhow. But I'm just saying to him living on pot was "normal" and he's never known life without pot really except for a smaller child. And I suppose I've never had a normal "family" to know what normal is either lol!

[dreamingoftigers]

He is very verbally abusive to your son, I have no idea how you have missed this. THIS should be your main complaint, not the fact that he is lazy. I would tell him that he needs to stop being abusive to your son.... YESTERDAY! or that you will leave. If he wants to talk to you son about something disciplinary he needs to find a healthier way to address it. I cannot believe that you respond to repeated problems like this by simply trying to nag him in private. You need to protect your child.

[Chrome Barracuda]

...I dont think he was abusive to him. I've had worse and seen worse by many parents. If I ever mouthed off to my parents at the dinner table, you can guarantee, i would have my azz handed to me.

 

The child disrespected you too sheyrl, are you gonna let that slide?

[2sunny]

have you been perfectly honest with him about the lack of intimacy in your M, and the role that you play in being disinterested now? if not, speak your truth to him.

 

just as a side note - are you interested in another man? seems this pattern and your lack of interest after your spouse improved is usually shown when the spouse has their mind on another person outside the M.

 

is there a man you have interest in besides your husband? be honest.