18yr marriage. I've turned into a cold heart

[sheryl]

I have a kindof long story but I'd really like to hear some opinions from outsiders. Perferrably mature and marriage experienced individuals. Marriage is like having a child, you just don't know what it's really like untill you've had one

 

I married my husband 18years ago. we only knew each other 8 months before marrying. Although I consider myself a middle class normal person i come from a family of huge issues and chose to disassociate myself from my family at a young age. (siblings into drugs, abuse, etc etc). I grew up what they call codependant although I've been through counseling on this as it's a large reason why I'm where I'm at now. When I met my husband I was very insecure. Someone was interested me and i just ate it up. I was young, a single mom etc. anyhow....I lived about 16 years with a very verbally abusive husband. Not to mention a lifetime pot smoker. He didn't know what normal as he smoked it daily all his life. He was very responsible as far as jobs, extremly educated on things and very smart. (great at math, mechanics etc). But....he was very selfish and mean. Name calling cut downs etc. I'd be called a lazy B if they house wasn't clean enough. "your so f'ing stupid" just stuff like that. I spent 15years walking on egg shells always always trying to ensure there was nothing for him to be angry about. I went through periods of threatening to divorce him if he didn't stop but somehow it always got turned around on me. "nothing is good enough for you is it!?" "I'm here and I don't cheat on you what else do you want".. When I tried to talk to him it would be like: "omg, your just never happy are you" When he would yell at me about stuff (like dishes not put away or clothes not hung up the direction he liked) and I got upset he'd tell me I was too sensitive.

 

Anyhow......I eventually passed up being hurt. I quit crying all the time. I quit getting angry about it all the time. I got what I call numb. Very indifferent. I didn't hate him anymore didn't feel bad anymore just done. I think I grew and changed. I tried to divorce him. I left although that didn't last maybe 2 weeks. I've never seen this man cry till I left him. He kept writing me letters due to my refusing to discuss anything anymore. I just wanted out. Long story but we ended up in marital counseling. We went through months of counseling, he went through anger management and he quit smoking pot. Over a period of about 4-6 months I watched him turn into an entirely different man. He became friendly to other people! He started enjoing doing things and could laugh about things. He says that the pot greatly affected him and he never really knew what normal was. He never yells or gets upset about things now. He can come home to a dirty house and not fly off the handle. He can discover that I forgot to wash something for him and it's no biggie - he'll put it into washer himself. If I accidently break something or whatever he doesn't scream and curse at me anymore. We have a 12yr old boy we are trying to recondition as he's learned all these behaviors.

 

So....... he's become what I wanted him to become. It was like meeting a new person and getting to know them. In my opinion, he does pretty much nothing wrong anymore. Don't get me wrong of course he's not perfect but a far cry from what he was. So why is this just not good enough for me?? At first I ate it up. The thought of a "normal" relationship. A husband I wasn't imbarressed to let friends meet or be around. Someone to talk to and crack a joke to. It's what I wanted. At first it was great. But now about a year and half later I'm finding I'm just a cold hearted biotch. Seriously. I look at him and there's nothing. I'd rather masturbate than have sex with him. If I were to meet him as a stranger I wouldn't not date him. Although he's not some mean monster anymore he's just not what I wish i was married to. I'm a very outgoing bubbly happy down to earth person. I want someone more active go out and do stuff. Someone that may crack a joke about stuff. Someone who isn't so picky and doesn't stress the small stuff. He's always so serious. He gained alot of weight & i know this sounds horrible but I can't stand to see him without anything on. His belly hangs out further than his.... I know i sound so selfish and mean.

 

If we were to split up today. If he were to have an affair or walk out. I can honestly say I would not be upset. But. I can't just up and walk out cause I have no feelings for him. We have been married over 18years. We have a home we own, pets, kids, vehicles stuff.... all our family. His parents moved her to be near us and they are like my own parents.

 

What. Why. I keep trying to figure out why i've turned into this cold hearted callus person that I didn't use to be. I find myself actually being short and rude to him. I'm very very touchy to the slightest thing he does wrong. I have always been a very very loving, caring, happy bubbly person. Never had any enemies. Always taking in stray animals. Love kids. coaching soccer loving to be around people and kids. Now.....I've nearly isolated myself into I have no idea what. I'm just not a happy person anymore. I'm short tempered. I snap at him about stupid little things. He is always asking me why i don't act like I love him. He tries so hard to be what I want him to be. He really does. I've spent months trying to figure out how to fall in love with him. How do I get myself to be a happy spouse or at least be content. Ask myself what good qualities do I see in him. My answer is none. He's just sufficient now nothing special.

 

Things haven't been going well recently. He's not a stupid person. He can see I'm not in it like he is. He keeps asking me to have these "talks" asking me what is wrong. Why do I act so loving and affectionate to our son and pets but not him. My comebacks are actually similiar to how he use to be "I'm not doing anything wrong". geesh why are you being so sensitive about stuff. I cannot look at him and tell him I don't love him. I can't. I just can't.

 

What can I do to try to build a marriage here? I can't just up and divorce him. I'm 43. I'd be single the rest of my life. My luck we'd split and I'd come down with cancer and die alone or something. lol. but seriously, what the heck could be wrong with me? I see it. I know I'm being a biotch. I know I'm being short and cold towards him but I seriously cannot figure out why. Sometimes I've wished he'd make some mistake and screw around on me so that I could catch him and say that's it goodbye then I wouldn't be the bad guy. That's so horrible to think something like that! I SO SO wish I could do it all over again.

[maybebaby]

You are not in love with him, the previous bad years built up lots of negative feelings in you that aren't that simple to overcome. You have to decide right now if you want in or out. If you want out you need to just leave him and move on with your life. Find your own happiness and leave him to his. If you want to try to make it work you need to start counseling, you will need some help working through all of those old issues and learning how to deal with all that pain and anger so that you can care for and love your husband again.

 

You aren't cold hearted, you aren't doing anything wrong, you aren't being a bitch. You are dealing with a lot of years of pent up negative emotions that need to be dealt with, especially if you want to try to stay married to the man you have all those feelings about and for.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You need to find the reason you fell in love with your husband in the first place. these deep seated resentments will kill your marriage. He's changed for the better. i suggest you do the same. You need to find a very good Marriage Councilor in your living area!

[keane2010]

I can completely relate to your pain. You've grown and matured, but he's only coming to a starting point of normalcy.

 

I've been married for 22 years and realized for the first time that I'm not even sure it would affect me if she cheated or left. It would just give me a reason. She has always suffered from depression, insecurities and anxiety, and has always been very critical of me.

 

And like your case, my wife now seems to know something has changed. For the first time in our marriage, she came into my study, and without me working really hard to change her mood, she smiled and asked if she could do something for me, like a drink or a snack. It was only a month ago that she became furious when I forgot to thank her for cooking one night. I reminded her that I cook many nights, clean the dishes every night, and many more things, but have never been thanked.

 

Now that she is really trying to change (at least for now), I'm hesitant to believe it will last. I hate feeling like this kind've husband, so I'm trying to focus on noticing the positives. The hardest part is trying to recapture the emotions.

 

I know it probably sounds selfish, but another element that I can't seem to overcome is the feeling of loss from missed opportunities. She doesn't seem to remember that when she tells her friends about some of our greatest romantic adventures during vacations, at the time I was nearly dragging her kicking and screaming through it.

[just_some_guy]

Falling in love is a terrible thing to do to another person. Falling in love de-humanizes the other. We are asking them to carry our projections for us for a while as we imbue them with all the stuff that the unconscious mind wishes to put upon them.

 

In your case, think about it.

 

You grew up around substance abuse and codependency. You separated yourself from your family of origin.

 

Yet you wound up falling in love and marrying a man with a pot addiction and you lived with it for a long time.

 

Why?

 

Perhaps your own negative animus projections are what you fell in love with in the first place.

 

Now, he isn't living up to those (negative) projections anymore and you are feeling dissatisfied with him and the relationship.

 

Perhaps getting in touch with yourself and resolving your own internal conflicts will open a path that will let you love this man in an honest and healthy way, now that he has freed himself from the dope.

[sheryl]

let me rephrase what i grew up with. I grew up in a childhood with what they call shame based discipline. (put your nose in your urine for wetting the bed.... make you strip naked in front of your siblings and repeat the masturbating they caught you doing...etc) physical abuse such as having to hold the electric fence for discipline. My siblings grew up with many issues as adults..... drugs, spousal and/or child abuse etc. My "issue" i grew up with was codependency that and a feeling of worthlesness.

 

About 3 or so years ago I went to counseling on my own. before i tried to end the marriage. I had other issues i needed help with and counseling is where I learned my "issues" were codependency. biting off way more than I could chew,,, can't say no to anyone or like stray animals. Hurting myself financially to help someone in need etc...

 

I fell in love with the idea of someone loving me. I considered myself unattractive and felt luck that such a nice looking successful man would want me. Being emotionially abused, was at that time, my "comfort zone".

 

It's common for a woman who is abused as a child to marry an abusive husband.

 

For me to try to find what i fell in love with in the beginning isn't healthy. I was in love with something other than him obviously. Sometimes I think that the old codependent comfortable with abuse me fell in love with that and now that I've gotten counseling, grew, and healed myself I would look towards or for a different kind of man. He's changed to be a perfectly normal man. But not what I would be attracted to now that I'm a confident healthy woman. I see other men with totally different personalities and find myself wishing i had one like that. someone fun. in touch with their immature side yet still mature and responsible. Someone that liked to go do things. I love riding dirt bikes. I like wakeboarding and going out dancing etc. he's just not into that stuff. He's perfectly happy watching tv at home. I want to live a little before I'm too old to enjoy doing things. but i'd be content if i could at least get to like him. even as a friend. I enjoy sex enough I can sleep with someone I'm not deeply in love with ha!

I really need to try to love him or at least strong like enough to be content. I'm not sure what else I can look at inside me. guess thats the confusing part lol.

 

I look at myself now and see an optimistic more carefree person with a very large heart. Physically instead of seeing a stick with freckles I see a slim woman with a great figure for 43. Instead of looking at the negative things about myself I now look at the good things like a flat nice belly after 2 children and at my age. I see sexy eyes and georgous hair. Just confident and happy with me. I didn't use to be like that at all. I wear things i like instead of always worrying about what he will say.

 

I really liked the counselor i previously used. Maybe I'll go back to him. he was frank,to the point and logical

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

For me to try to find what i fell in love with in the beginning isn't healthy. I was in love with something other than him obviously. Sometimes I think that the old codependent comfortable with abuse me fell in love with that and now that I've gotten counseling, grew, and healed myself I would look towards or for a different kind of man. He's changed to be a perfectly normal man. But not what I would be attracted to now that I'm a confident healthy woman. I see other men with totally different personalities and find myself wishing i had one like that. someone fun. in touch with their immature side yet still mature and responsible. Someone that liked to go do things. I love riding dirt bikes. I like wakeboarding and going out dancing etc. he's just not into that stuff. He's perfectly happy watching tv at home. I want to live a little before I'm too old to enjoy doing things. but i'd be content if i could at least get to like him. even as a friend. I enjoy sex enough I can sleep with someone I'm not deeply in love with ha!

I really need to try to love him or at least strong like enough to be content. I'm not sure what else I can look at inside me. guess thats the confusing part lol.

 

This paragraph makes it obvious that you are ready to chase butterflies and leave him behind...

 

I was figuring something along these lines just by reading your first post. Not exactly the above paragraph, but someone specific you were focusing on. Perhaps it's not someone specific, but you are looking for something different.

 

You know what I have matured to realize. When I imagine a relationship with someone else; ie someone who does not have the negatives my wife has, it is not her flaws that are the issue. I am basically flawed in my greener grass point of view. Once I figured that out it was a HUGE paradigm shift. An AHA moment if you will. The light bulb went on for me. I hope I am explaining it right...

 

Any future relationship will have it's flaws and issues. Plus it's so much work just to get there to find that out! That's the reason why marriage is so hard to walk away from. Beside the emotion, there is the financial, social (less so today), and personal aspects that factor into it.

 

Does anyone expect you to live unhappy for the rest of your days? NO! But life is what we make of it. I can guarantee you that you don't know what you've got 'til its gone...

 

Good Luck!

Edited August 18, 2010 by She's_NotInLove_w/Me

[Chrome Barracuda]

It's sad because he was such a destructive force when he was younger but he has settled down and matured. You cant stand it?!

 

Wow, what i heard about females remain true, they are always attracted to bad boys, no matter what age.

 

I dont say that to be mean, but realistically, your about to throw a good man away, for nothing.

 

I'm sure he'll have no problem finding a dime piece to be with, after you have gone.

 

are you sure you wanna throw him away to chase other men, cause believe me your not missing anything, once you done did it all. You'll be back to square one.

 

Why dont you take him on a vacation and make it an adventure for both of you. He's changed for the better, why go backwards?

 

I do NOT seriously get that.

[Distant78]

It's sad because he was such a destructive force when he was younger but he has settled down and matured. You cant stand it?!

 

Wow, what i heard about females remain true, they are always attracted to bad boys, no matter what age.

 

I dont say that to be mean, but realistically, your about to throw a good man away, for nothing.

 

I'm sure he'll have no problem finding a dime piece to be with, after you have gone.

 

are you sure you wanna throw him away to chase other men, cause believe me your not missing anything, once you done did it all. You'll be back to square one.

 

Why dont you take him on a vacation and make it an adventure for both of you. He's changed for the better, why go backwards?

 

I do NOT seriously get that.

 

Agreed. Great advice. It seems like she's ready to leave for the butterflies,but she'd lose a good man who's willing to grow up for the betterment of their marriage.

[sheryl]

Chrome & Distant:

 

Your a little off. Your asking me if I'm really going to "throw him away" and saying I'm "ready to leave..."

 

I had asked what I could do to build a marriage here and how to turn these feelings I have around.

 

Here's the deal... I have absolutely no desire to be single again. No desire to leave and go out "chasing butterflies" and probably taking at least 5 years to find someone that I know won't cheat, lie, that is responsible etc. What I WANT is to get rid of these things i have in me. The steps moving forward to stop feeling this and understand why i feel what I do.

 

What I had:

 

*Someone who would respond to my accidently breaking something with "what the F did you do to it?! I can't believe this F'ing ****!"

 

*or when I'd ask if we could go out sometime like or with other people we know the response would be "why in the hell would I want to waste a bunch of F'ing money on God D drinks and you dress up like a F'ing slut. We can drink at home".

 

*Someone who would stomp around the house slamming the closet and dryer door yelling "where the F is my shorts? Your so lazy you can't keep F'ing laundry done!"

(just giving you an idea of what I WAS married to)

 

Now: the F word is never spoken in the house. Nothing is ever slammed anymore. And rarely yelling. He reacts to situations normally now.

 

What we DO have is merely existance. Is it selfish for me to say i'd really like someone to laugh with. Someone who gets out of his chair once in awhile and actually participates in things? When my son wants to play a board game why cant his dad get up and go to the kitchen table or something instead of insisting my son bring everything to his recliner. If I'm on the laptop and want to show him something I have to take it over to him and set the laptop on his lap to show him. If HE has the laptop and wants to show me something he tells me to come here so he can show me. How come I'm always the one getting things for him and offering him say an ice cream if I get up and get one but he's never up out of his chair to be able to offer me anything. If he wants something he doesnt get up and get it He'll wait till I'm up then ask me to get it. And if I say anything about it his response is "well your already up!"

How come we both work full time jobs and I've always been more than willing to do yard work and garbage and etc. But if I'm carrying in groceries and look at him and say "could you help me with some of this" his response is "uh! I'm in the middle of watching something".

 

I want to go out on the lake during the summer. I want to ride dirt bikes at the dirt bike track. I want to just get up and out. But he's perfectly content sleeping in till 11 or so on his days off and watching tv all day. He'll do some of those things but very rare.

 

Why is is that I keep myself up physically taking care of myself to look decent, keep a decent body and etc yet he continues to gain more and more weight and really doesn't give a crap what he looks like. His attitude is that he's got no reason to try to impress anyone.

 

Am I not happy because he's not mean any longer? Is it true we just like bad mean boys? no. it's not true. I think part of me is upset that he changed to a point that I really don't have "grounds for divorce" but yet he's like a dead stump on the wall. he turned normal but it's not like he turned into anything anyone would say "oh he's neat" He has no personality. He has no sense of humor. He has no sense of adventure. He rarely smiles or laughs. I guess careful what you ask for. I use to think if he could just stop being so hateful I could handle it. If he would quit yelling at me or cursing me out it would be sooo much better. Now I realize that the smartest thing for me to do was keep walking when I left and not turn around. But fact is I stopped. I turned around and saw him changing so stayed. It was my choice to stay and give him another chance. So of course I can't be a cold hearted bitch and leave now. I'm pretty much stuck. So, I have GOT to find a way to make the best of it. I realize that grass is not always greenier on the other side. I expect conflict. I expect days that you hate your spouse and wish you'd never married. Those things are normal. But I'm only 43 I'm not ready to put a foot in the grave yet.

 

My job is doing employee motivational and engagement workshops as well as call center rep training. I spend my days talking to people about their attitudes and how they react to what life dishes out to us. I'm this happy bubbly outoing person and then I come home and I see this lump sitting in his chair. He's not mean but he's nothing to be desired either.

 

I guess that does sound nasty. I suppose it does make me sound selfish and ungrateful for the changes he's gone through.

 

I've been scared of him and kissing his freakin ass for 17years I want to enjoy a little life now before I'm too old. I want friends! I want someone to laugh with me. I want to feel like my husband is my friend. I started hitting the tanning bed. I got my hair highlighted and bought some boobs. (ok, I'm skinny so i had pancakes with a tick on it for boobs. lol I didn't go big just normal looking) I have no desire to go out and screw around. But I am going to enjoy myself and be happy, confident and have fun with my kids before i'm old

 

So this morning we spoke for awhile before he went to work. If I say much of anything now he always says the same thing that nothing he does is good enough. I told him again that I was extremly impressed with the changes he'd gone through. And that hopefull he also did this for HIM not just for me. He said that he was a happier person now and felt much better. He says that he looks back and can't believe anyone would have stayed a day much less year after year. He says that he realizes what he did and that it could take a long time for the "pain" to go away But that he's trying. My response was that there is no pain. I've gotten over all that ****. I quit "hurting" well before I told him I wanted to leave.

 

I told him this.. Your right. It's not good enough. I'm sorry to be and sound like such a bitch but it's not. Merly stopping being an ass does not make you desirable or anything to fall in love with. I want to live still. I want to be happy. Laugh. Enjoy my life. I'm not leaving. I don't want a divorce. But I'm moving on and I'm doing it with or without you. He says what do you mean by "moving on?" I said i want to go out once in awhile so I'm going. I want to do some things like the lake or to the tennis court with my son and stuff so I am. You can participate in the family and get off your ass and start being someting I WANT to love or sit on your ass while I'm out living. you can"t just stop being an ass then sit there and expect love to form. Relationships don't start like that. I had to leave

 

I know that sounds mean but I didn't care. I had to leave to drop a vehicle off for repairs today and he was gone to work when I got back. He called later and asked what I was doing. (I'm switching jobs and had a week between them so not at work). I told him I'm cleaning, then I'm going to pick my son up from school then I'm taking him to the skate board park to spend some time with him then we are going to go out to eat but I'll leave you something in the fridge. He said something like "you know what...." then said "forget it". I said ok then hung up on him.

 

He showed up at the skate board park today after he got off work . All he did was sit on the bench and watch but who freakin cares he showed up!

 

But fact is (unfortunately) yeah he did change. Yes he's normal now. No it isn't good enough for me to fall in love with or like being around.

Edited August 19, 2010 by sheryl

[Distant78]

Chrome & Distant:

 

Your a little off. Your asking me if I'm really going to "throw him away" and saying I'm "ready to leave..."

 

I had asked what I could do to build a marriage here and how to turn these feelings I have around.

 

Here's the deal... I have absolutely no desire to be single again. No desire to leave and go out "chasing butterflies" and probably taking at least 5 years to find someone that I know won't cheat, lie, that is responsible etc. What I WANT is to get rid of these things i have in me. The steps moving forward to stop feeling this and understand why i feel what I do.

 

What I had:

 

*Someone who would respond to my accidently breaking something with "what the F did you do to it?! I can't believe this F'ing ****!"

 

*or when I'd ask if we could go out sometime like or with other people we know the response would be "why in the hell would I want to waste a bunch of F'ing money on God D drinks and you dress up like a F'ing slut. We can drink at home".

 

*Someone who would stomp around the house slamming the closet and dryer door yelling "where the F is my shorts? Your so lazy you can't keep F'ing laundry done!"

(just giving you an idea of what I WAS married to)

 

Now: the F word is never spoken in the house. Nothing is ever slammed anymore. And rarely yelling. He reacts to situations normally now.

 

What we DO have is merely existance. Is it selfish for me to say i'd really like someone to laugh with. Someone who gets out of his chair once in awhile and actually participates in things? When my son wants to play a board game why cant his dad get up and go to the kitchen table or something instead of insisting my son bring everything to his recliner. If I'm on the laptop and want to show him something I have to take it over to him and set the laptop on his lap to show him. If HE has the laptop and wants to show me something he tells me to come here so he can show me. How come I'm always the one getting things for him and offering him say an ice cream if I get up and get one but he's never up out of his chair to be able to offer me anything. If he wants something he doesnt get up and get it He'll wait till I'm up then ask me to get it. And if I say anything about it his response is "well your already up!"

How come we both work full time jobs and I've always been more than willing to do yard work and garbage and etc. But if I'm carrying in groceries and look at him and say "could you help me with some of this" his response is "uh! I'm in the middle of watching something".

 

I want to go out on the lake during the summer. I want to ride dirt bikes at the dirt bike track. I want to just get up and out. But he's perfectly content sleeping in till 11 or so on his days off and watching tv all day. He'll do some of those things but very rare.

 

Why is is that I keep myself up physically taking care of myself to look decent, keep a decent body and etc yet he continues to gain more and more weight and really doesn't give a crap what he looks like. His attitude is that he's got no reason to try to impress anyone.

 

Am I not happy because he's not mean any longer? Is it true we just like bad mean boys? no. it's not true. I think part of me is upset that he changed to a point that I really don't have "grounds for divorce" but yet he's like a dead stump on the wall. he turned normal but it's not like he turned into anything anyone would say "oh he's neat" He has no personality. He has no sense of humor. He has no sense of adventure. He rarely smiles or laughs. I guess careful what you ask for. I use to think if he could just stop being so hateful I could handle it. If he would quit yelling at me or cursing me out it would be sooo much better. Now I realize that the smartest thing for me to do was keep walking when I left and not turn around. But fact is I stopped. I turned around and saw him changing so stayed. It was my choice to stay and give him another chance. So of course I can't be a cold hearted bitch and leave now. I'm pretty much stuck. So, I have GOT to find a way to make the best of it. I realize that grass is not always greenier on the other side. I expect conflict. I expect days that you hate your spouse and wish you'd never married. Those things are normal. But I'm only 43 I'm not ready to put a foot in the grave yet.

 

My job is doing employee motivational and engagement workshops as well as call center rep training. I spend my days talking to people about their attitudes and how they react to what life dishes out to us. I'm this happy bubbly outoing person and then I come home and I see this lump sitting in his chair. He's not mean but he's nothing to be desired either.

 

I guess that does sound nasty. I suppose it does make me sound selfish and ungrateful for the changes he's gone through.

 

I've been scared of him and kissing his freakin ass for 17years I want to enjoy a little life now before I'm too old. I want friends! I want someone to laugh with me. I want to feel like my husband is my friend. I started hitting the tanning bed. I got my hair highlighted and bought some boobs. (ok, I'm skinny so i had pancakes with a tick on it for boobs. lol I didn't go big just normal looking) I have no desire to go out and screw around. But I am going to enjoy myself and be happy, confident and have fun with my kids before i'm old

 

So this morning we spoke for awhile before he went to work. If I say much of anything now he always says the same thing that nothing he does is good enough. I told him again that I was extremly impressed with the changes he'd gone through. And that hopefull he also did this for HIM not just for me. He said that he was a happier person now and felt much better. He says that he looks back and can't believe anyone would have stayed a day much less year after year. He says that he realizes what he did and that it could take a long time for the "pain" to go away But that he's trying. My response was that there is no pain. I've gotten over all that ****. I quit "hurting" well before I told him I wanted to leave.

 

I told him this.. Your right. It's not good enough. I'm sorry to be and sound like such a bitch but it's not. Merly stopping being an ass does not make you desirable or anything to fall in love with. I want to live still. I want to be happy. Laugh. Enjoy my life. I'm not leaving. I don't want a divorce. But I'm moving on and I'm doing it with or without you. He says what do you mean by "moving on?" I said i want to go out once in awhile so I'm going. I want to do some things like the lake or to the tennis court with my son and stuff so I am. You can participate in the family and get off your ass and start being someting I WANT to love or sit on your ass while I'm out living. you can"t just stop being an ass then sit there and expect love to form. Relationships don't start like that. I had to leave

 

I know that sounds mean but I didn't care. I had to leave to drop a vehicle off for repairs today and he was gone to work when I got back. He called later and asked what I was doing. (I'm switching jobs and had a week between them so not at work). I told him I'm cleaning, then I'm going to pick my son up from school then I'm taking him to the skate board park to spend some time with him then we are going to go out to eat but I'll leave you something in the fridge. He said something like "you know what...." then said "forget it". I said ok then hung up on him.

 

He showed up at the skate board park today after he got off work . All he did was sit on the bench and watch but who freakin cares he showed up!

 

But fact is (unfortunately) yeah he did change. Yes he's normal now. No it isn't good enough for me to fall in love with or like being around.

 

We don't get it?

 

Its funny how you in the third paragraph, state that you have no intentions of leaving him but in the last paragraph, you say how its not good enough for you to fall in love with or like being around. Spouses nor people for that matter are not perfect. You are basically going around stating how you are better than him and stating all of his "flaws" that you don't like and blah blah blah.. You wanted him to stop reacting so angrily with you and he's done that, and now you still aren't satisfied. All I see is you blaming him for not wanting to do everything you want to do. Maybe the guy is just tired and stressed from work. Have you ever thought about what he likes to do? You get mad because he oversleeps on his days off?

 

This is why I will continue to stand by my original statement.

[sheryl]

so is it normal for marriages to be like this? when he's home he's either in the recliner or in the bed? I wouldn't care if he slept in on his days off if when he did get up he participated in something. and yeah, I'm saying I don't plan on leaving but don't like where I'm at either. Hence the reason I came here to begin with.

 

Just answer me this. (and i'm not argueing by all means I'm totally open to all input whether it's something I wanna hear or not) but....so he quit being a dic#. Exactly how to I move now from having no feelings for him to liking him? I'm serious. I suppose everyone is different and what they want out of a marriage varies. His input into our marriage, our kid etc is basically a second income. I want someone who wants to enjoy life a little. Does wanting him to get up and live a little mean I'm selfish.

 

but the big one here is what I said.. how exactly do I get to where I'm like "kewl! He's loving or fun or funny or whatever and I love him" How do you fall into love with mr blank personality. And I'm not being a smart a$$. serious.

 

And i really do want to try to figure out where to get where I wanna be with him. I don't wanna walk out nor do I wanna keep feeling like an ungrateful selfish person. That's whay reaching out to total strangers on a message board is for lol

[Distant78]

so is it normal for marriages to be like this? when he's home he's either in the recliner or in the bed? I wouldn't care if he slept in on his days off if when he did get up he participated in something. and yeah, I'm saying I don't plan on leaving but don't like where I'm at either. Hence the reason I came here to begin with.

 

Blah blah blah blah. Humans are not perfect and he will never be the ideal man you want him to be. He will never be flawless to you and that goes for every couple/marriage in this world. I'm sure he has things he doesn't like about you either. But seriously, the reason why he may not want to do things with you is because you are probably getting impatient with him and attacking him by calling him lazy, instead of being nice to him, and listening to him. If I was tired from work and you were bugging me like that, I would ignore you for a while also. Instead of saying, "can you for once get your fatass off that chair and give me some attention," and "wake up and get ready" on his days off, you can try to woo him into going out and doing things he likes. After he warms up to you, then nicely ask to do things you and/or him would like to do. Its called compromising. Try to be nice.

 

Just answer me this. (and i'm not argueing by all means I'm totally open to all input whether it's something I wanna hear or not) but....so he quit being a dic#. Exactly how to I move now from having no feelings for him to liking him? I'm serious. I suppose everyone is different and what they want out of a marriage varies. His input into our marriage, our kid etc is basically a second income. I want someone who wants to enjoy life a little. Does wanting him to get up and live a little mean I'm selfish.

 

Ok, i'll bite. You should try sitting down and talking to him and asking what are his needs, write them down, and then write down your needs. Basically, just trying a soft, mellow approach to him. If you want to get those feelings for him again, I would try going on small dates with him, and just basically spending more than 15 hours with him a day.

 

but the big one here is what I said.. how exactly do I get to where I'm like "kewl! He's loving or fun or funny or whatever and I love him" How do you fall into love with mr blank personality. And I'm not being a smart a$$. serious.

 

Remember, you are also responsible for your own happiness. I know your type. You're the ones that are really outgoing and lively, and you're saying he's boring. Like I said you should try to dub down your activities and see his side of the story. Marriage will not always have butterflies in it. When this guy reaches 60 years old, he won't be as active as he was 20 years ago.

 

And i really do want to try to figure out where to get where I wanna be with him. I don't wanna walk out nor do I wanna keep feeling like an ungrateful selfish person. That's whay reaching out to total strangers on a message board is for lol

 

Good that you now want to work on it, but it also means compromising. That's what a relationship is about.

[witabix]

so is it normal for marriages to be like this? when he's home he's either in the recliner or in the bed? I wouldn't care if he slept in on his days off if when he did get up he participated in something. and yeah, I'm saying I don't plan on leaving but don't like where I'm at either. Hence the reason I came here to begin with.

 

Just answer me this. (and i'm not argueing by all means I'm totally open to all input whether it's something I wanna hear or not) but....so he quit being a dic#. Exactly how to I move now from having no feelings for him to liking him? I'm serious. I suppose everyone is different and what they want out of a marriage varies. His input into our marriage, our kid etc is basically a second income. I want someone who wants to enjoy life a little. Does wanting him to get up and live a little mean I'm selfish.

 

but the big one here is what I said.. how exactly do I get to where I'm like "kewl! He's loving or fun or funny or whatever and I love him" How do you fall into love with mr blank personality. And I'm not being a smart a$$. serious.

 

And i really do want to try to figure out where to get where I wanna be with him. I don't wanna walk out nor do I wanna keep feeling like an ungrateful selfish person. That's whay reaching out to total strangers on a message board is for lol

 

Hi Sheryl, total stranger here.

 

I've read through this thread as best I can.

 

From what I can glean from here I think there may be a possibility that your H's true personality was completely masked by the anger/drugs etc, or perhaps that was his personality. Now that all this stuff is gone he is what you see before you.

 

One echo of my past is your comment about sleeping till 11 on days off, the being in his chair, and gaining weight.

 

I used to work 80+ hours a week, so on the occasion I got a day off, I wasn't lying in, I actually wouldn't wake up till 11.00. When I got home after 12 hours I didn't have any energy left, I was wankered tired. Is he doing massive hours? If so you need to talk to him about cutting down or something.

 

As for the weight gain, is this due to stopping smoking? Could it be making an underlying health problem more difficult, unusual tiredness can be sign of a few things. Of course all these suggestions could just be hogwash, you will know best.

 

You do have a right to be happy, and in a R that fulfills you, but you seem to have spent a lot of time wishing he would change, then when he does, still wishing he would change.

 

I understand why this is the case, an abusive pot head is not cool, nor is a coach potato.

 

You say you can't/don't want to leave because you are 43 and don't want to spend the rest of your life alone etc. That is not necessarily the way it will be.

 

You can do what you said and 'move on' and do your own thing, but this will introduce a greater distance in your R. If you can handle it thats fine, but how long can you sustain what will eventually become a 'living arrangement'?

 

You do seem to be in a difficult position, try talking to him, don't just snap at him or shut him out.

 

You don't love him any more? Did you ever love him, truly? What was that like, how did it manifest itself?

[sheryl]

I was wankered tired. Is he doing massive hours? If so you need to talk to him about cutting down or something.

He works 4 10's as a boat salesmen. things are slow right now and he's been mentioning it being boring at work. With the 4 10's I figure the first day off would be sleep, relaxing etc. Maybe even part of the 2nd day off. But by the 3rd I'd really like to see him alive a little. I dunno, this tends to be draining lol.

 

As for the weight gain, is this due to stopping smoking?

Not sure. He's 47 and literally smoked pot daily (from first am till bedtime) from about age 19. I think it's lack of activity. You can't eat all day and keep your hand in the cereal box all night with no activity and expect to keep a healty weight. However, I WILL say I've always been thin and difficult to gain weight so I can't say for sure But that's just my 2cents. He seems pretty healthy otherwise. I could be wrong.

 

Did you ever love him, truly? What was that like, how did it manifest itself?

I look back over the years and in the beginning. I can't say that I loved him. Someone wanted me and I was a single mom. I remember when we discussed getting married he needed dental work and if we married I could put him on my insurance so we proceeded. He wanted to go to Reno (we lived in CA) so we did. (the little drive by marriage places) I did care about him alot and respected the fact that he was a very responsible and intelligent man. (people always come to him with help on boats, mechanical things etc) and I know he'd never ever consider cheating. He looks and drewls like anyone else but he'd never act on anything. I know I can trust him.

 

We never had anything like affection closeness things like that. In fact I don't know how I'd react if I had someone try to be physically affectionate lol. Even sex was always, well, basically just porn

 

This morning he said I thought you just did laundry where are all my socks at? I said I did but I don't recall seeing any of your socks. I went over by his chair and sure nuff there were a total of 4 pair of socks over by the air vent between his chair and the wall (kindof outta sight). I said if you could put them in the hamper or close to it where I could see them they'd get washed when i gather the hampers. He says "if you didn't wait all week to clean the house they'd of been in the hamper" He has a point, I should have gone around and gathered any other dirty clothes but that's just freakin lazy. If you want something washed ya can at least put an effort to using the hamper. I'm sorry but that just pissed me off.

 

Last night he was watching Myth Busters on TV. My son asked him if he'd play battleship with him and he said to get it out. My son got it out, set it up on the coffee table in the living room and said something like "come on dad!" He looked at me and asked me if i'd help him (my son) move the coffee table over closer to his chair. I said can we go in the other room for just a second please. Afte an "uh" he did. I said "i Just wanted to say that this is an example of these little things that I really wish we could work on. Your boy just wants you to play with him and I'm glad you are. But he needs to feel you are interested and want to. And I think that if you got up and went to him or at least you initiate helping him move the table it would make a big difference in his perception of you and mine too. (can't member exact words but close enough) He said "oh my god it's just never ending with you" and that was the end of it. Now... I never raised my voice, tried approaching in a nice calm way and didn't point finger etc and felt that he didn't take me serious.

 

Distant made a comment about when he's 60 he won't be as active as he was 20years ago. My first thought was OH GREAT! lol

 

Well, I'm gonna be honest here I feel "drained" tired of thinking about it. tired of trying to figure out stuff. I'll probably wait a little and quit thinking about all this then maybe look into asking him to go to that marriage counselor I'd found. I really liked that guy. He was frank, blunt and didn't seem full of pooh. My husband seemed receptive to him also.

Edited August 20, 2010 by sheryl

[You Go Girl]

Oh WOW.

I stopped right at the dirty socks that he was too lazy to put where they belong.

YOU! YOU are not responsible for picking up this man's lazy dirty socks.

Honestly, I couldn't get along with your H for two minutes.

If a man looked at me, and said that I should have picked up his socks, I would laugh in his face.

Because I've never been around it, I thought all this chauvanistic old-fashioned views from the 50's of marital roles was pretty much dead.

I see there's still a few out there!

Girl, this man needs to update his brain computer files, he's running a very old version of marriage 101.

Marriage 5001 is now out. Tell him he needs a copy.

[witabix]

Not sure. He's 47 and literally smoked pot daily (from first am till bedtime) from about age 19.

 

I might be considered a square here, but thats not a good sign really. I am only a little older than him, so of the same generation.

 

No I never loved him. I did care about him alot and respected the fact that he was a very responsible and intelligent man.

 

Is that it really, if you never loved perhaps you thought love could grow, and it can. I saw that with my parents, it took them nearly fifty years and my father was dying. Not for me, maybe not for you either.

 

We never had anything like affection closeness things like that. In fact I don't know how I'd react if I had someone try to be physically affectionate lol. Even sex was always, well, basically just porn

 

You have both missed out here.

 

................all the washing stuff..........I'm sorry but that just pissed me off.

 

These are symptoms, not problems. Symptomatic of your relationship. Don't sweat the unimportant details. I know they 'seem' important at the time. But try to see through them to the root causes. Why would such an exchange happen?

 

.........................

"i Just wanted to say that this is an example of these little things that I really wish we could work on. Your boy just wants you to play with him and I'm glad you are. But he needs to feel you are interested and want to. And I think that if you got up and went to him or at least you initiate helping him move the table it would make a big difference in his perception of you and mine too. (can't member exact words but close enough) He said "oh my god it's just never ending with you" and that was the end of it. Now... I never raised my voice, tried approaching in a nice calm way and didn't point finger etc and felt that he didn't take me serious.

 

Another symptom, perhaps of his view of life this time. No enthusiasm for playing with his son. Perhaps he is so down on himself that he has lost interest in the really, really important things in his life. At his age he should, IMO, really be appreciating he has a son who wants to play with him. Gaining weight, sitting around doing nothing. He needs to see he is letting his life slide away from him. I wish I could talk to him, let him know what he is putting himself, you and your son through. I nearly died last year, needed a a big deal operation that could have killed me too. Sometimes us men need crap like that to happen to them to realise there is only a limited time to be on this earth.

 

Well, I'm gonna be honest here I feel "drained" tired of thinking about it. tired of trying to figure out stuff. ..................

 

I'll bet you do. You need to have a good hard, soul searching think. Not about your problems, or your husband. About yourself and what you want out of your life, and how you go about achieving this. That of course in no way implies that you should ditch the marriage, just sit down and imagine how you want the future to be, realistically of course, no houses on Mars with robot servants.

 

What would make you happy, how do go about heading in that direction, what does it include, what does it not include, what does it look like?. What do you have that you want to keep? What do want that you don't have?

 

That kind of process, and check out the counselor again to help you with these things.

Edited August 20, 2010 by witabix

[Distant78]

Oh WOW.

I stopped right at the dirty socks that he was too lazy to put where they belong.

YOU! YOU are not responsible for picking up this man's lazy dirty socks.

Honestly, I couldn't get along with your H for two minutes.

If a man looked at me, and said that I should have picked up his socks, I would laugh in his face.

Because I've never been around it, I thought all this chauvanistic old-fashioned views from the 50's of marital roles was pretty much dead.

I see there's still a few out there!

Girl, this man needs to update his brain computer files, he's running a very old version of marriage 101.

Marriage 5001 is now out. Tell him he needs a copy.

 

LOL! Now even though I do feel that her husband MAYBE a LITTLE lazy, I will stick to marriage 101 (even though i'm divorced). Marriage 5001 is new, but its features are full of flaws: cheating during hard times, when the "spark" goes out, etc.

[keane2010]

Just my opinion - It's hard for people to understand what its like to grow up in the atmosphere you did. Mine was similar, but I bailed early. After I put myself through college, and helped my brother through, I latched onto someone who needed me. I did everyhing she asked with reckless abandon, thinking that eventually she would overcome her issues. Instead, I think she just coasted.

 

As a result of your childhood and marriage, you're asking yourself if the marriages like what other people describe are just fiction. I refuse to accept that its not possible.

 

I just don't think you should convince yourself you will never have this, or that you will end your life alone. Be the person you have become, even if it means he doesn't fit into the equation. Once you make the decision to find this, maybe he'll even be shocked enough to change in a way that helps.

 

My mother lived in a similar marriage, but finally decided to change after I finished college. She became a RN and travelled the country.

[Danger]

 

What I had:

 

*Someone who would respond to my accidently breaking something with "what the F did you do to it?! I can't believe this F'ing ****!"

 

*or when I'd ask if we could go out sometime like or with other people we know the response would be "why in the hell would I want to waste a bunch of F'ing money on God D drinks and you dress up like a F'ing slut. We can drink at home".

 

*Someone who would stomp around the house slamming the closet and dryer door yelling "where the F is my shorts? Your so lazy you can't keep F'ing laundry done!"

(just giving you an idea of what I WAS married to)

 

Now: the F word is never spoken in the house. Nothing is ever slammed anymore. And rarely yelling. He reacts to situations normally now.

 

 

Then: You were unhappy with how the man treated you, yet there was sexual attraction.

 

Now: He's straightened up his "act", dropped the pot and asks to discuss what's wrong. Now you have lost all sexual attraction.

 

 

What exactly is there left to debate? You broke him, and now you are bored.

[carhill]

You should have divorced him when he was a pothead and mean. Resentment is the price you pay now for not doing that. You're in charge of that resentment, but it is a valid emotion. Your 'attraction' was likely a function of your socialization and what it taught about attractive attributes.

 

You're still quite young. Don't worry about being alone. You won't be.

 

Personally, I'd recommend IC to figure out, sincerely, if your love has died, exactly why and to decide if it is recoverable. Reading passages here about not ever being 'in love', my prognosis is poor. However, if you find the results positive, since H is now a 'good man', he'll be happy to join you in MC to see if you can recover. Take a solid year, work on it, and then either throw yourself back into the M with your whole heart or divorce.

 

As a disclaimer, I am divorcing, did get pushed away emotionally in the M and chose to have an affair, and did go through the MC process. Stbx has had two boyfriends while we've been separated. Life goes on.

 

Clarify things for yourself and make clear choices to act on that clarity. Life's short. You're young. Take a positive step. What's the first?

[keane2010]

In reading a couple of the responses, I got the impression that the members were trying to defend mediocrity, with the comments about how he's a decent guy, so it must be your problem.

 

This whole argument is one that really bothers me. I previously worked in a group of about ten other men who all were pretty successful in work, and we became close friends. One day, they were all complaining about how their wives were unhappy, yet they made over $100k, so what was her problem? Two of them were contemplating separation. I knew their wives and knew they would regret this.

 

I tend to be very outspoken (but try to be tactful), so I told them that their problem is that they have settled for being mediocre. They were pathetic. I asked what they did to make their wives feel pursued. One mentioned letting her play golf. Another said he took her to the beach.

 

Many men have settled for mediocrity in themselves. I just don't think it means women have to.

[Danger]

In reading a couple of the responses, I got the impression that the members were trying to defend mediocrity, with the comments about how he's a decent guy, so it must be your problem.

 

This whole argument is one that really bothers me. I previously worked in a group of about ten other men who all were pretty successful in work, and we became close friends. One day, they were all complaining about how their wives were unhappy, yet they made over $100k, so what was her problem? Two of them were contemplating separation. I knew their wives and knew they would regret this.

 

I tend to be very outspoken (but try to be tactful), so I told them that their problem is that they have settled for being mediocre. They were pathetic. I asked what they did to make their wives feel pursued. One mentioned letting her play golf. Another said he took her to the beach.

 

Many men have settled for mediocrity in themselves. I just don't think it means women have to.

 

 

There are two different issues at play here.

 

The first one I address in my original response is the noticable lack of sexual attraction for her man AFTER he changed. Just to clarify, that is outside the mediocrity statement you make.

 

Now, to your comment. You equate mediocre to making the wife feeling pursued. Are you suggesting that any man who doesn't give her wife this feeling is a mediocre man?

[BS76]

Then: You were unhappy with how the man treated you, yet there was sexual attraction.

 

Now: He's straightened up his "act", dropped the pot and asks to discuss what's wrong. Now you have lost all sexual attraction.

 

 

What exactly is there left to debate? You broke him, and now you are bored.

 

Pretty much agreed. He's become an uber-beta and she's disgusted. He did everything that his wife and the marriage counselor asked him to do, and it's completely back-fired! It's pretty typical that what women want and what they are attracted to are rarely the same and often contradictory.

 

Thus far most of the responses to the thread are as predictable as this woman's story in that the commonly accepted notion of what makes an attractive husband is completely and utterly wrong.

[keane2010]

There are two different issues at play here.

 

The first one I address in my original response is the noticable lack of sexual attraction for her man AFTER he changed. Just to clarify, that is outside the mediocrity statement you make.

 

Now, to your comment. You equate mediocre to making the wife feeling pursued. Are you suggesting that any man who doesn't give her wife this feeling is a mediocre man?

 

I'm saying a guy who doesn't really try consistently is a mediocre man. Most people are on a forum like this because we care and want to try, but we forget that outside of this sphere, society is changing into the 'me' generation. From her post, can you really imagine that husband singing her a love song in a bar, or renting airspace on the radio to tell her he loves her? If you face reality, my point is that a guy who spent many years verbally abusive might stop these things, but will be very unlikely to address his marriage proactively unless he genuinely fears the loss of the relationship.