tomtom26 Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Background: - She broke up with a long term ex Feb 09. - She immediately found this other guy who she credits will helping her get over her ex - She has ZERO intention of settling down with this rebound guy (cultural reasons) - She did get emotionally attached to him. They were together/hanging out/whatever for 7 months. - He then stood her up and things kind of ended abruptly last December - She was pretty upset about this Last night she finds out (facebook stalking) that he is now engaged. This upsets her. We have been going out officially for 4.5 months (known each other longer). We are in love and we talk about eventually getting married and having a family. She's met my parents and they adore her. All our friends love us together. We don't see eye to eye on a few things, but other than that, things are great. I got pissed for the following reasons: - She is still keeping tabs on a guy who she had absolutely no intention of settling down with.....basically a long term rebound with feelings. Why? - She gets upset that he's getting engaged. Why? - They ended things 9 months ago So the ultimate question I ask myself is........ Why would my GF who tells me she loves me, wants to marry me, wants to have kids with me, wants to build a life with me, who is supposedly happy and satisfied in our relationship, is keeping tabs on a rebound fling that left her, and is now getting upset because he's engaged?? Do I have a right to be pissed?
Star Gazer Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 It has nothing to do with HIM or YOU, only herself. She can't get over the rejection.
goodgrief Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 ...... Do I have a right to be pissed? Yes. What are you going to do about it?
Author tomtom26 Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 Yes. What are you going to do about it? Well I already told her this morning that I was upset about it. That I didn't understand why she would feel this way or understand why she would even tell me about it. I really don't know what to say or do? I mean, what is there to say or do anyway? All I know is that it bothers me and she feels I'm being insensitive to her feelings. huh?
goodgrief Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 You're engaged. you're therefore fixing to get married. ask her, is she going to take this resentment and jealousy of him, into your marriage? or does she expect it to vaporise overnight and disappear the moment she's in the gown? To bring a sentiment like this, about an ex, into a current relationship, threatens the stability of your feelings and fractures the trust you have for her. What ever emotions she is focussing and targeting on him - she is depriving you of. You have given your heart completely. You thought she had done the same to you. If she is openly resentful and indignant about this guy and what he is doing, it means she still has some strong feelings about him. Therefore, her heart is not all yours. Why should you have to settle for that? tell her all of the above, in a letter, if necessary. See what she comes back with. If she can't move on, she has serious issues that need addressing. And you have to address whether this relationship is worth staying with, given that there's only 75% of her, to your 100%....
OceanTropic Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I agree with the above. She is insecure. And its not just that they broke up, he stood her up. She hates that, she wants to be the most beautiful, most wanted woman in the world. I guess since she isn't, she becomes a bit obsessive about why not. And its not even been 5 months and she already wants to marry you and start a family? That's rushing things a bit no?
Author tomtom26 Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 I agree with the above. She is insecure. And its not just that they broke up, he stood her up. She hates that, she wants to be the most beautiful, most wanted woman in the world. I guess since she isn't, she becomes a bit obsessive about why not. And its not even been 5 months and she already wants to marry you and start a family? That's rushing things a bit no? Yeah, rushing is a good word to use. I think both of us are people that don't want to get into a relationship unless we know that it might one day lead to marriage. She is also facing her biological clock in the face and wants to have a few kids, as do I. Our family wants and needs align. She doesn't want to waste anymore of her time with relationships that won't amount to anything, so yes, she did put on a good full court press in making sure that we both wanting the same thing out of a relationship, which I can't fault her for. So naturally we have talked about marriage and about kids and all that kind of stuff. Now I'm not gonna propose until after a year and we will probably get married a year after that, so even though we are talking pretty seriously, we would be married about 2 years after officially starting to date, which is not really rushing it seeing we are in our late 20's/early 30's.
Author tomtom26 Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 You're engaged. you're therefore fixing to get married. ask her, is she going to take this resentment and jealousy of him, into your marriage? or does she expect it to vaporise overnight and disappear the moment she's in the gown? To bring a sentiment like this, about an ex, into a current relationship, threatens the stability of your feelings and fractures the trust you have for her. What ever emotions she is focussing and targeting on him - she is depriving you of. You have given your heart completely. You thought she had done the same to you. If she is openly resentful and indignant about this guy and what he is doing, it means she still has some strong feelings about him. Therefore, her heart is not all yours. Why should you have to settle for that? tell her all of the above, in a letter, if necessary. See what she comes back with. If she can't move on, she has serious issues that need addressing. And you have to address whether this relationship is worth staying with, given that there's only 75% of her, to your 100%.... She's just going to tell me that we see things differently and that I don't understand her, and that I'm being insensitive. And then she will tell me that she wants to stop talking about it. How do you respond to that? Is this something worth making a bigger deal about. I know in a course of a relationship you have to pick the battles you want to fight, do you guys think this is something that I need to have addressed?
xpaperxcutx Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 It's a matter of pride, jealousy, or pure infatuation on her part. It has nothing to do with you. I think you should be wary about getting married to this girl if both her heart and head isn't leaning towards you. You definitely don't want to end up divorced 5 years down the road or worse, getting cheated on.
AverageJoe Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Last night she finds out (facebook stalking) that he is now engaged. This upsets her. We have been going out officially for 4.5 months (known each other longer). We are in love and we talk about eventually getting married and having a family. She's met my parents and they adore her. All our friends love us together. We don't see eye to eye on a few things, but other than that, things are great. - She is still keeping tabs on a guy who she had absolutely no intention of settling down with.....basically a long term rebound with feelings. Why? - She gets upset that he's getting engaged. Why? - They ended things 9 months ago I have a different take on things after reading what I quoted above. It seems to me she still loves this guy. A long term rebound with feelings. Yeah, thats what she told you. If you are going to get married, and have a long term relationship. If the person you are with, is not the number one reason you can think of to be filling that position, the position needs to go unfilled. This is what I call being a second choice. If you were to walk down broadway, and see a bunch of plays or what have you. And for whatever reason the star of the play cant be there, there is an understudy. A person that comes in and performs the roll whem someone gets sick or cant be there for some reason. Why wouldnt you want to be with someone that should be the best possible person you could get? It sounds like you are the understudy in her lifes play.
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