4 years along and going nowhere?

[musicmania]

ok, found this site tonight while looking for advice on what I should do - thought I'd post here and see what the world thinks, or at least the LS world. If anything it may help me see where things are with the relationship i'm in. This may get long, and I appreciate you for reading it all - if you don't, that's ok too!

 

I'm 40 yr old man, with a 36 yr old woman living with me. She moved in about 4 years ago, and seemed like that's when things changed. Prior to her moving in with me, I was someone who was romantic and felt like giving her the world. I managed to find a house not too far from where she was living, and even found one with 3 bedrooms so her 2 kids would have a room too - with my son sharing a room with her youngest.

 

Shortly after I bought the house, I felt pressure from her to move in with me. She was living with her parents at the time, and it seemed like they were pressuring her to move out. Soon after she moved in with me, I started noticing that she was sometimes violent or angry, often yelling. It turned out a few months later I learned that her parents were talking bad about me to her face, telling her that I'd eventually leave her and didn't put her first.

 

This was in the first 6 months, in the next 6 months we had many arguments about keeping the house clean, me spending time with my friends, and more. At one point early in the relationship, I made a comment that we wouldn't have much time for each other and she decided to take a semester off school to resolve this. It turns out that she resented me for her making that choice.

 

At the end of the first year, it ended up with her parents telling me that I was no longer allowed in their home, and they have never spoken to me since. She also distanced herself from her parents, but that was difficult and short lived as she drives her mom to work each day.

 

Our relationship is riddled with communications issues, often I would say something that would cause her to fly off the handle, or I would do something that would seem simple to most, but would cause an hour discussion on why I did it. After about 18 months of living together, we had a huge blowup that resulted in her screaming and throwing utensils at me (which missed and hit the wall)... There have been many discussions we have both initiated where communication is an issue, be it that she feels that she doesn't matter, or me telling her that I don't think this relationship is working.

 

We have had some good times in our relationship, this is true - there have been ups and downs, but it feels like the downs keep dipping further down each time they go down.

 

One of my frustrations with her is hygene, before she moved in with me, I had no issue because she often was in the shower when I called to see if she was ready... but once she moved in, I discovered that she sometimes went 2-3 days without a shower, only to say that she shower dries her skin or that she cleans up in the morning with a washcloth... Because of this, my desire for sex has declined, mostly with me wondering when the last shower she took was before we have sex.

 

Her kids are generally good - her oldest keeps to herself mostly and her youngest is very smart, but also seems to be naive too. I don't feel as if I have any sort of relationship with either of them, not one like a potential step-father should anyways. My son seems to like her kids, and her as well, but he's a lot like me too - often quiet and not one to rock the boat much.

 

Fast forward to present day, some of the things we argued/discussed 3 years ago are still present: house is a disaster, no one keeps up with chores (myself included), we are often doing are own things, maybe 30% of our time we spend together, if that. Over the last 2 years, I have had conversations with her where I tell her that this relationship isn't going anywhere and I think we should end it. It often ends up that I'm not trying hard enough, i'm too negative, and we should keep trying at it. I succumb to the pressure and this is where we are today. Most recently was last fall, where we pretty much decided that we'd give it another 6 months - well, here we are at almost a year and nothing seems to have changed.

 

Even as recent as a week ago, we had a discussion which involved her crying next to me, telling me that she feels like she's not wanted.... I do love and care about her, I am just not sure that I am in love with her at all any more.

 

I know i'm leaving things out, but this seems to be getting too long. I realize that having someone live with you is never perfect, but also realize that it shouldn't be filled with pain either...

 

Any suggestions? Anyone been in a similar situation? Should I keep on trying, only to find myself here again in another year?

 

Thanks for reading all this - like I said at the beginning, it's also helps me see that maybe it really is time for this to end... but how, that's my dilemma too.

[EvrMorE104]

brother seems like you are wise in your age...so ill will say this..the door is open for you to leave why aren't you running? theres a saying from past times...HURT FOLKS will hurt folks...your love is undeniable i can tell in your words..but i've learned people need to look with inside themselves to find true happiness..and with her family always in her business and she's a grown woman..she got some baggage she needs to let go...so that means...leaving let her grow up but dont forsake her...be friends bcz four years even though it seems rough..has alot of love that you shared...so my advice is to break it off and go your own way..maybe in the future then u sit and re-evaluate your love match...right now slow down on the dating...take time to find out also wat in you cause her to act the way she does at times...other than the family issue and obviously her own insecurities..this way wen u approach your next love connection..it will not be the same down falls you entrap your heart, mind, body and soul into...learn to love yourself even more..this way you wont feel you have to succumb to less than what your worth..to make someone else happy..thats the worse thing a man or woman does when they get into a marriage or long term relationship...wat im saying is only a start not a final conclusion to all that you been through..so take your time...separate...talk it wit ur family cause it will also effect the kids and become healthy again..thats definately not a healthy environment...God is able my brotha..good luck wit your decision.

[musicmania]

Thanks for your reply - I'm not sure if her family is still in her business as much as they were when we she moved in (I did date/know here for about 1 1/2 yrs before she moved in too)... But I know occasionally she tells me how she hates her mom because of things that were said (not necessarily about our relationship) on the drive to/from work...

 

Something I also didn't mention in the original post, about 1 year ago she was asking for me to give her a ring - she called it a symbol of how i'm committed to her... well, after months of saying maybe and no, I eventually gave in. It's not an expensive ring at all, one which I thought would be more of a token than anything else... well, about a week or two after I gave it to her, she then was asking when I would tell/post that we're engaged... I was quite shocked, as I thought this was just a symbol of our commitment, her argument was one of how it's no different than being engaged. We are not making any plans to marry, in fact it seems to be the furthest thing from my mind. Honestly, not a thing has changed since I gave her that ring and we became "engaged" - not that it should be a magical token that makes all relationships perfect, but it at least served to show her that maybe things "could" work - guess that was my mistake.

 

I often find myself feeling that I'd be better off alone right now, I wouldn't have to 'walk on eggshells' when talking to her, feeling that if I said a wrong word it could set her off on a 15 minute tangent on how I should have used a different word or something... I have more fun when i'm with my friends (without her), with my son (without her), or just alone by myself. Lately this summer she's been doing all day events for her 2nd job, which leaves me alone at the house, and it's been quite refreshing...

 

I know it sounds like i'm putting all the blame on her for this relationship not succeeding, it really isn't her fault - or at least I have to make it look that way... Seems whenever we get into a conversation about how our relationship isn't working, the first thing she says is : "what did I do to make you not love me" or "are you mad at me?" or "what am I doing wrong"...

 

I am beginning to feel that it's not something she's doing wrong, more that we're not right for each other.

[Curious-One]

i wouldnt walk i would run away from this women. WOW i cant believe some people actually put up w this crap.

[EvrMorE104]

Something I also didn't mention in the original post, about 1 year ago she was asking for me to give her a ring - she called it a symbol of how i'm committed to her... well, after months of saying maybe and no, I eventually gave in. It's not an expensive ring at all, one which I thought would be more of a token than anything else... well, about a week or two after I gave it to her, she then was asking when I would tell/post that we're engaged... I was quite shocked, as I thought this was just a symbol of our commitment, her argument was one of how it's no different than being engaged.

 

now look at this brother...she acting like you both just came out of high school...a commitment wring??? seriously?...then her emotions are so unstable..she gets madd at you for not knowing that it also means engagement in her eyes and heart!!...first all your not her kids nor are you a child to be debating back and forth with petty issues...you just need to put your foot down...every dog has its day..and yours are numbered if you stand still and be abused by that snowball of mess...she more like an avalanche lol...but seriously...take our advice..start gearing yourself for separation...your of age that requires teaching your children, friends and family wisdom...from experience and other significant people in your life....dont waste your time on things or people that you cant grow with...

 

 

she bomb ticking to exploid...its hard to lay down and then wake up then next day and say im gone..but don't wait till your tired and angry...say something u regret..then she get the upper hand and say..."" SEE I KNEW U ALWAYS HAD A GRUDGE AGAINST ME...BLAH BLAH BLAH RA RA YA YA" i seen it happen all my life..trust me...if she ain't get the sign that wen your quiet your not interested in her behavior..that she really not in tune with who your on the inside...go with your gut feeling and leave..don't be blindside by compassion..its man worst enemy against himself...your to experience to be playing fool..go the right thing for your health and strength in the long run..you will thank God for it..lolol..

[musicmania]

Thanks for the replies - I often ask myself why I put up with this crap too - especially for this long. The next few weeks should be interesting. My goal is to get back on the track of being myself and being happy.