She flaked big time.

[phineas]

The short version:

 

Been just friends with a single mom for the last yr. Our kids play together.

 

She was a good friend. Helping me shop for new clothes, getting me discount coupons. Genuinly interested in my life & talking to me at least once a week to see what was new with me & the kids.

 

Then, when I signed D-papers she all of a sudden wanted to hang out more & more. She called me more.

 

Started hinting about dateing, flirting ect. but she was hot & cold & seemed like she was trying to figure out if I was interested.

 

Runion weekend.

Friday she wanted to go to a free concert. She kept confirming we were going. Called me that morning to talk. Texted me during the day. Called me when she was on her way, ect.

 

Went to the concert, I wound up with my arms around her waist & her back leaning into my chest. She made the move to get close so I went with it.

We walked back to my house holding hands.

I walked her to her car & asked if we are still just friends or more.

 

She gave me the "taking it slow" & she's afraid of getting hurt thing. I told her i can take it slow but I wont be led on. She said she really liked me.

 

She left. I went to bed. we texted a little while she was at work sat.

 

She got to the reunion after me. Said "hi" then pretty much avoided me the whole night. Well, there was one other girl there without a date or a ring & I caught her looking at me more than once.

 

So I chatted her up a little she worked she was single into the convo & inquired about me. We seperated to mingle.

 

My buddy told me she was looking for me & was still checking me out.

I went to take a leak and:

 

My "friend" became this other woman's bestest bud & didn't leave her side. Can you say cock-block?

 

I left without saying good bye at the end of the night.

 

Next morning I called my "friend" & left a VM.

She sounded all tired & down & was distracted playing with facebook when she called me back.

I asked why she avoided me & she gave some BS excuses & started telling me all about the girl she hung out with (the girl I tried talking to) & acted like they are now friends. (that option could of been compromised i'm thinking)

 

We were supposed to do something sunday. She said she'd call me when she got her kids & we could figure something out.

 

7:30 pm she texted me. "just got home, what a day!" I told her I was home if she wanted to call & tell me about it.

 

She respond, "in a little bit"

No call.

 

This morning. I texted & called. no responce.

Now, we had plans for Wed & i'm supposed to be her date to her friends wedding this weekend.

 

I really don't see that happening.

 

I don't get it.

 

Another one bites the dust.

[meerkat stew]

Well it's all too easy to give advice in hindsight, and I realize you didn't exactly ask for any, but a couple of things stick out.

 

In the wake of your divorce, make sure you are ready to get back out there. Before converting preexisting friendships to romance, which as you have experienced, can be extremely confusing and annoying for a guy, get back in regular dating form.

 

Meet women, ask them out, flirt with them, seduce them. Rinse repeat. Don't leave wiggle room in your social intentions for "friendly" misunderstandings because women love to use those misunderstandings to manipulate, assert power/control or simply test men.

 

The very first thing I would do is get the contact info of the woman you met at the reunion, call her, and ask her out on a date (unless she is long distance). Doesn't matter if you didn't speak to her that much, you have a preexisting school connection. Never assume this will spoil your chances with another woman, the opposite is the case almost every time, and if it ever did annoy one where a dating relationship wasn't present, that's -her- problem, not yours.

 

Once you are in dating form, and have options and a little post divorce experience under your belt, you may find that you never have to suffer through such miserable treatment again. It seems they have a radar when you have options that tells them you are to be taken seriously or not at all. I've never had any trouble of the type you describe from women when dating three at once. It's only when we focus on one or a single opportunity that we end up treated badly as you have been.

 

As far as how to handle this woman who is blowing you off rudely? Write her off, you don't need that kind of angst in your life. It doesn't sound that she was ever that great a "friend" anyhow, and is replaceable. Forget her number.

 

Best wishes.

[that girl]

Wait, so you're quasi dating this woman.

 

You see her at the reunion and she isn't super friendly, but she could easily be trying to catch up with people she doesn't keep in touch with.

 

You then decide to try to hit on someone else, the woman you are quasi dating joins in, either because she thought that was cool or because she wanted to see if you were really hitting on this other woman.

 

It sounds like you shot yourself in the foot.

 

I personally don't think it is cool to start looking for numbers when someone you are dating is in the room. It is one thing to date around, it is another to do it in front of one of those dates.

[alphamale]

I really don't see that happening.

 

I don't get it.

dude, no one understands chicks

[dispatch3d]

From the constantly calling to confirm the first date+the fact she's a single mom (making this slightly more likely) she sounds insecure. Possibly to an extreme. Especially with you're read that she was constantly trying to figure out if you liked her or not.

 

Insecure woman can not handle competition whatsoever. If she was hot she may have gotten jealous of you hitting on the other girl. She may have also been mad you didn't contact her more or some other silly thing.

 

When she texted you What a day! I would have called her to find out what happened. She may just be in a bad mood and hence is withdrawing from most things (something may have happened outside of you to make her mood change).

[AverageJoe]

Oh man I have no time for flakes, I can understand. Ask her how she is going to make it up to you, your time is valuable.

If she seems reciprocal, great. If not, move on dude seriously. You might miss the 8:15 bus but there is always another one coming around the corner.

[Art_Critic]

dude, no one understands chicks

 

Boy.. isn't that the truth...

 

I think she back burnered him because she was getting attention from the other guy

[phineas]

The problem is I don't even ask these women out.

They pursue me, chase me.

Then once I agree to go out with them they flake on me.

 

One just disappeared.

The last one gave me the "i'm not ready to date" line AFTER SHE ASKED ME OUT.

Now this one pursues me & says "I need to take it slow" after she gets me?

 

It's aggravating to say the least.

Either i'm really fugly or I am a crazy magnet.

Or i'm doing something wrong.

 

 

This last one, I was actually able to make a move on her.

After the initial leg shaking I was quite calm & cool about holding her. And initiating a hand hold while we walked was smooth & natural.

[that girl]

The problem is I don't even ask these women out.

They pursue me, chase me.

Then once I agree to go out with them they flake on me.

 

One just disappeared.

The last one gave me the "i'm not ready to date" line AFTER SHE ASKED ME OUT.

Now this one pursues me & says "I need to take it slow" after she gets me?

 

It's aggravating to say the least.

Either i'm really fugly or I am a crazy magnet.

Or i'm doing something wrong.

 

 

This last one, I was actually able to make a move on her.

After the initial leg shaking I was quite calm & cool about holding her. And initiating a hand hold while we walked was smooth & natural.

 

I think you are the issue.

 

There is a big difference between "I need to take things slow" and "I can't date now." "I need to take things slow" means I don't want to rush into a heavy relationship right away, but we are dating.

 

You tried to flirt with another woman while in the same room as a woman you are already dating. Obviously that was going to go badly.

[skydiveaddict]

[quote name=

Another one bites the dust.[/quote]

 

 

My advice is to give up on women completely. That's what I have decided to do

[D-Lish]

Sometimes women withdraw after intimacy, just like men do. People especially adopt this behaviour after being burned. I know I get a little freaked out after vulnerable moments with men.

 

If I met someone and I liked him, but wanted to take it slow, and he mentioned that he wouldn't stand up for being led on, I might have an issue with the comment. Taking it slow is about figuring out how you feel and what you want. I'd probably feel slightly pressured by such a comment. When you told her you didn't want to be led on, you were essentially saying that you needed to know she had intentions of amping things up- and it's quite possible that she actually just meant she wanted to take things slow without thinking that far ahead just yet.

 

It's just a bit of pressure that I know you didn't mean to place upon her, but the comment might have been seen as such nonetheless, and that might have caused her to withdraw and rethink things.

 

I think your actions, chatting up the very first single woman to show you interest after your last date might have given her reason to question things.

 

Female perspective:

 

If you and I were developing something, and you mentioned you didn't want to be led on, I'd start to think to myself "geez, I like this guy, but I am just not ready to commit, it's too soon, and I don't want to hurt him" I'd start overthinking if getting involved is the right thing to do. So the feelings I am developing are all of a sudden overshadowed by this pressure to make a decision. So I go to the reunion, both nervous and excited to see you, but still, the thoughts of leading you on is in the back of my head- and still feeling vulnerable after our last date. Because I've been thinking about it, seeing you again is a little awkward- I don't know how to act, I am assuming we will chat throughout the night... Then, I look over and you are chatting up the first single female that shows you interest. My first thought is panic, you are moving on, and it seems like you did so quickly and easily (hence the cock-block). Again, this is pressure. I said I wanted to take things slow, and you said you were okay with that- but you're chatting up a new girl in front of me. Now I am conflicted. I like you, and I want to keep seeing you to see how things turn out, but your actions chatting someone else up illustrate that you really don't want to take things slow, you want instant gratification, and I am not ready to go there.

 

In my head, I am thinking- okay- I can't commit just yet, and it seems that if I can't do so now, I will lose you. Apparantly, if I don't make some kind of committment asap, you'll just choose someone else.... I must not be too special.

 

She had some choices- she could have intervened and focused on you, or she could have intervened and made friends with the other woman. Intervening by claiming "you" would have been leading you on, but making friends with the girl was simply taking her out of the equasion so she could buy more time to figure out how she is feeling.

 

This girl does like you, she just isn't ready to make a committment. If you truly like her, just be as patient as you can. You can either take the risk that things will turn out, or back off. IMO, the comment about accepting taking things slow but not wanting to be led on are conflicting statements on your part.

 

There are no guarantees in dating, and I know the "female mind" is confusing at times. Hey- from our perspective, the male mind is equally confusing! But in her mind, when you hit on the other woman in her presence- she panicked. It made her feel like if she didn't make a decision asap, she would lose out. If you're truly willing to take things slow, you can't pressure her that way by making her feel threatened. You don't want to give her the impression that if she doesn't do what you want that you'll cast her aside- that could easily push her away.

 

I know my post was long- I hope I provided some insight that could possibly help you to figure out what is going on in her head.

[meerkat stew]

D-Lish's post is a great example of why you have to keep things simple and direct to maintain your sanity. Don't give them a chance to go into that hyperanalysis zone. Ask out. Flirt and charm. Kiss. Ask out again. Rinse repeat. Never any "do you like me? I like you. Do you like me? I like you" ad infinitum. It drives -them- crazy, and then they will turn around and drive -you-crazy.

 

K.I.S.S.

[D-Lish]

D-Lish's post is a great example of why you have to keep things simple and direct to maintain your sanity. Don't give them a chance to go into that hyperanalysis zone. Ask out. Flirt and charm. Kiss. Ask out again. Rinse repeat. Never any "do you like me? I like you. Do you like me? I like you" ad infinitum. It drives -them- crazy, and then they will turn around and drive -you-crazy.

 

K.I.S.S.

 

Well, women will hyper-analyse- I admit it, we do it. If you wanted a window into what her thought process was, I hope I was helpful in my breakdown of what you guys might deem "crazy".

 

The bottom line is whether or not you deem her worth being patient for. If she's worth it, be patient. Anyone that's been through a tough break up and impending divorce is going to have their walls up- male or female. If she's worthy- be patient, and for heaven's sake, don't give her the impression that you could move past what you guys have so easily by hitting on another woman.

[phineas]

Perhaps I didn't make myself clear.

She was talking to every other guy there.

Single guys.

But me.

 

She ignored me for the first hr before the other girl showed interest.

It was clear to me she did not want anyone there to know we went on a date or even knew each other.

 

why in the world would I pass up an opportunity to get to know another woman when who was supposed to be dating me acted like she didn't know me?

[zengirl]

People flake. Sometimes they're scared away. Sometimes they re-assess their interest and realize it was based on something ego-driven (attention-seeking, an emotional scar, etc), rather than something real. If she was talking to every single guy but you, the person she's supposedly expressed interest in, I would guess one of two things:

 

1.) She misread something you did and was trying to "test" you to see if you really liked her. (You failed, BTW, by speaking to another woman.) This is, of course, crazy. But people do this all the time---I've known men who did it too, though I think more women do it, and more men do other things as "tests." I find all "tests" to be endlessly lame. (I'm not saying don't ever make assessments or judgments, naturally, but it's lame if you SET UP scenarios in which to do so. Which many people do.)

 

2.) She realized she wasn't all that into you and now has to pull back and go all "What was I thinking?"

 

Either way, she's not great dating material, though if she's been badly burned and you really like her, I suppose . . . no, I can't even say it. I am pretty ruthless when it comes to basic emotional health, and I can think of no scenario where this woman could have it. That said, if you're a crazy magnet, you probably don't have enough yourself. (Not to say healthy people don't attract the occasional crazy as into each life a little crazy must pass and some will glom onto anybody, but most men -- and women -- I've met who were actual "Crazy Magnets" weren't so healthy themselves.)

[Art_Critic]

phineas..

Maybe it is because you are freshly divorced..

 

I know when I was just divorced women would start to get to know me and then after they found out I hadn't been divorced a year they would flee.

It used to hurt my feelings.. I used to think WTF..

 

But after going thru it I realized I was the most undateable I had ever been in my life after my divorce was final..

 

I had a whole new life and identity that I had to work out and I also had all that shiot to put behind me..

Once I did then it was all good...

and no being separated is different than when the papers are filed and it is all final.

You aren't divorced until then

[phineas]

phineas..

Maybe it is because you are freshly divorced..

 

I know when I was just divorced women would start to get to know me and then after they found out I hadn't been divorced a year they would flee.

It used to hurt my feelings.. I used to think WTF..

 

But after going thru it I realized I was the most undateable I had ever been in my life after my divorce was final..

 

I had a whole new life and identity that I had to work out and I also had all that shiot to put behind me..

Once I did then it was all good...

and no being separated is different than when the papers are filed and it is all final.

You aren't divorced until then

 

I think this makes the most sense.

 

Also, I need to tell the people I know to back the F off.

My friends & family.

It's like they cannot comprehend that a man & woman can actually be just friends.

 

Telling me i'm wasting my time being friends with a woman because if she isn't banging me she's playing me & they don't get I wasn't interested in her until she showed interest lately.

 

I don't know why that's so hard to understand.

It's got me a little insecure & makeing me freak a little.

 

She did call me this morning. She did apologize to me right out of the gate for Sat night. She said she was nervous & since our school was small she didn't want to deal with the gossip of a cheer leader & the guy who was mostly anti-social in highschool a couple. I have to agree some people would of made it a big deal & I actually did not want to be asked 50 times "Dude, you hitting THAT!"

 

And I know I would.

 

And I can see that. I never mentioned anything myself to people.

 

I told her she should of said something because I would of been cool with that.

 

She said she was afraid to say something so she just withdrew.

 

She said she had a bad day sunday. Some family drama & didn't have the energy to call after her "what a day" text.

 

Monday somebody called in sick & she had to pull a double.

She called me at 10:30 when she got out but I was allready in bed.

 

I don't know.

I think i'm going to just take a few steps back & just chill for a little & see where it goes.

 

Also, I spent a whole 10 mins. talking to the only other single girl there. I wasn't hitting on her. I was talking to her.

I wasn't flirting with her either.

She was the one showing interest.

Big difference.

 

Also, the single dudes where flirting with her. big time.

She didn't seem to mind.

She did feel the need to tell me some of them sent her notes the next day on facebook & how lame it was & how I didn't have to worry. For what that is worth.

[dispatch3d]

Perhaps I didn't make myself clear.

She was talking to every other guy there.

Single guys.

But me.

 

She ignored me for the first hr before the other girl showed interest.

It was clear to me she did not want anyone there to know we went on a date or even knew each other.

 

why in the world would I pass up an opportunity to get to know another woman when who was supposed to be dating me acted like she didn't know me?

 

Although I am usually very quick to jump on the "its your fault" bandwagon I don't think this one is your fault. Most likely scenario is she met someone else, or wanted you to just know you should be calling/seeing her more often than you were.

 

Flirting with the other woman is totally fine. You two were not and still are not exclusive. Expecting you to act as such while she talks to other guys is unreasonable. Like I said I think she's probably insecure if she dumped you for this reason (honestly, from experience the insecure girls just cannot handle competition AT ALL. They have low self esteem and thus cannot see any reason you would pick them over anyone else...)

[dispatch3d]

just read your last reply. See I freaking said in like my FIRST POST that the most likely scenario was she had a bad day on sunday. Which is why I said you could call her+talk to her about it. The monday flake was a similar thing. Man women are driven by their emotions, and if they have a bad day they can't really be social/nice to people nearly as well. I would just carry on as usual here there's nothing bad going on.

 

I also wouldn't knock her for the two things she pulled sunday and monday. I mean if I held it against her I woudl tell her she should make it up to me (because thats how I feel). However, I wouldn't take more interest in another girl either. The fact is all girls are going to get like this at some point, and you have (now) a better idea of how she handles stress/etc. than some random and she didn't really do anything way out of line.