Serenitynow Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Excerpt from a post by shadowplay. She has an active online dating profile, but she doesnt think she can even meet anyone IRL right now. I don't know if I have the confidence to meet anyone right now. You and 95% of the rest of the women on dating sites are exactly the same. You post your profile, put yourself out there, but in reality, you have huge amounts of emotional/psychological baggage, and dont even think you can meet anyone IRL. Instead, you USE the guys from the site as an ego boost. Letting them email you, talk about meeting them , and the whole time you doubt you could ever go through with it. If I would have made a post about this on my own, I would have got bashed by women. But here it is, in black and white, so all I have to do now is point it out to everyone. You should NOT be on a dating site if you dont have the balls to meet people. .
brainygirl Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 You should not be dating if you hate women . . . .
Pyro Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 I agree that if anyone lacks the confidence to meet someone IRL then they probably shouldn't have a profile up. Shadow is trying to move on from a serious relationship and this online dating is new to her. To say its an ego boost is a little bit extreme. I agree that some guys and girls do go on there for that reason alone which isn't right.
Author Serenitynow Posted August 15, 2010 Author Posted August 15, 2010 She specifiaclly stated " I don't know if I have the confidence to meet anyone right now" You all are acting like I took her words out of context, or are putting words in her mouth. Stop thinking of poor little shadow, and just think of this situation with any tom, dick harry, or jane. Should anyone be on a dating site if they know they lack the confidence to meet IRL ? Thats all I'm saying, but since everyone wants to turn this into a charity case, you are all overlooking the root of the situation. .
Pyro Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 and that doesn't prove that she is on there for the sole purpose of an ego boost.
AverageJoe Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 She specifiaclly stated " I don't know if I have the confidence to meet anyone right now" You all are acting like I took her words out of context, or are putting words in her mouth. Stop thinking of poor little shadow, and just think of this situation with any tom, dick harry, or jane. Should anyone be on a dating site if they know they lack the confidence to meet IRL ? Thats all I'm saying, but since everyone wants to turn this into a charity case, you are all overlooking the root of the situation. . Point well made. I agree.
Pyro Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Sure she may lack the confidence now, but maybe it will take her meeting the right type of guy to make that confidence appear. I hear bitter guys all the time saying that it will take the right kind of girl to come around to take the bitterness away.
WintersNightTraveler Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Certainly the best way for her to gain confidence would be to entirely stay away from dating sites, social events, or any other situation where she could possibly give a poor, innocent, vulnerable man the merest hint that she might have a bit of interest in the contents of his brain or pants. If only she would stay locked in her room and not discuss these things she would certainly find a solution. And think of the awful carnage she could create if let out from her den - a trail of broken hearts, rent and torn, laid out along her cruel haphazard path through the online dating world. My goodness, a guy might waste upwards of 100 lines of text conversing with a such a woman whom he would never get the opportunity to see in person and check out her tits. If that time was not wasted, his great writing could instead be posted on some kind of public forum dedicated to the subject, for all the world to marvel at.
kdark Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Excerpt from a post by shadowplay. She has an active online dating profile, but she doesnt think she can even meet anyone IRL right now. You and 95% of the rest of the women on dating sites are exactly the same. You post your profile, put yourself out there, but in reality, you have huge amounts of emotional/psychological baggage, and dont even think you can meet anyone IRL. Instead, you USE the guys from the site as an ego boost. Letting them email you, talk about meeting them , and the whole time you doubt you could ever go through with it. If I would have made a post about this on my own, I would have got bashed by women. But here it is, in black and white, so all I have to do now is point it out to everyone. You should NOT be on a dating site if you dont have the balls to meet people. . I pretty much agree with this. I am on OKC, and because I know I am not wanting to meet up with anyone, I haven't posted a picture yet, so I am hoping no one bothers to look at my profile. I know if I receive/send messages to anyone, I won't follow through with meeting them. So unless I want an ego boost from all the attention I would receive, their isn't a point being on there. But I can see the other side of the argument. It's not like she is going on dates with these guys and using them for their wallet. If a guy gets all bent out of shape because a woman refuses to meet him IRL after talking to her online for a while, just move on to the next non "hoover" (In the words of carhill). Better you know then instead of later.
kdark Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 and that doesn't prove that she is on there for the sole purpose of an ego boost. Come on now. That may not be the sole reason for it, but she sure as hell is enjoying that aspect of it right now, and says the site is addictive for that reason.
brainygirl Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 I don't think anyone should have to justify why they are on a site.
Pyro Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Come on now. That may not be the sole reason for it, but she sure as hell is enjoying that aspect of it right now, and says the site is addictive for that reason. I briefly tried online dating a long time ago so my experience is limited. I hope that isn't the case. Most people are on there because they want to find love.
Scottdmw Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 I can definitely say as a guy that this happens a lot, and it hurts. Despite having been online for years I've never actually “gotten over” having a woman talk to me and act like she's interested, even talk about meeting, but somehow never actually do it. It's not just about a few hundred lines of text, it's about all the time you spend wondering what she's thinking and what you might have done wrong. I guess you can say that’s somehow my fault for not being emotionally hardened enough, but I think that every guy goes through that. It's very difficult to open yourself up emotionally enough to be interested in a woman and want to meet her but still not care if she plays with you like that. I think it's rude and there's no excuse for it. I do think that women do it for an ego boost, that it's selfish and they are not thinking about the other person.
Author Serenitynow Posted August 15, 2010 Author Posted August 15, 2010 If you join an online dating site, and see a persons profile that attracts you, then anyone with half a brain is going to ASSUME that the person is there for DATING just like you are. Its not rocket science. Its a DATING site. .
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Certainly the best way for her to gain confidence would be to entirely stay away from dating sites, social events, or any other situation where she could possibly give a poor, innocent, vulnerable man the merest hint that she might have a bit of interest in the contents of his brain or pants. If only she would stay locked in her room and not discuss these things she would certainly find a solution. And think of the awful carnage she could create if let out from her den - a trail of broken hearts, rent and torn, laid out along her cruel haphazard path through the online dating world. My goodness, a guy might waste upwards of 100 lines of text conversing with a such a woman whom he would never get the opportunity to see in person and check out her tits. If that time was not wasted, his great writing could instead be posted on some kind of public forum dedicated to the subject, for all the world to marvel at. Gold. Also shadow is on a FREE dating site. So it's not like these guys spend a cent to send her a message. Are men really that weak and vulnerable that they will just die if they send a message and get no response? Seriously? Then I think these men should be in therapy rather than on a dating site.
WintersNightTraveler Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 it's about all the time you spend wondering what she's thinking and what you might have done wrong. The most important part is bolded. This issue is under your control, not the other peoples'. she plays with you like that. This is the other thing I don't understand. SP or any such woman is not playing with you at that point. You haven't even met. She's playing with herself. No, not in that sexy way, but in that her acts are based primarily around her own motivations (accomodating her confidence, anxieties, schedule, etc) rather than yours. As well they should, any rational person will still be motivated by self interest that early in a relationship. You should be too. You guys don't know each other well enough to be very altruistic about it. I guess you can say that’s somehow my fault for not being emotionally hardened enough, but I think that every guy goes through that. Only once or twice, if he has good sense. No need to guess that I can say it, I will say it. I completely think after the first few rejections its the fault of the rejectee, in the type of brief online dating intro we are talking about. This whole thing is just a slight variation on how some guys whine incessantly about how few responses they get. Sure you can bitch a bit about it, it's no fun. But to make it seem like a big deal? Tacky and self defeating. It's very difficult to open yourself up emotionally enough to be interested in a woman and want to meet No it's not. It's very easy to want to meet women, and you don't need to be exposed to feel that way. Why are you emotionally open that quickly?
WintersNightTraveler Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 If you join an online dating site, and see a persons profile that attracts you, then anyone with half a brain is going to ASSUME that the person is there for DATING just like you are. Yes, and the other missing half of the brain assumes that it's unwise to put much stock in the actions of people you haven't even met yet and barely know. It also observes these kind of flakey online dating phenomena over and over and realizes they are pretty common, and adjusts your behavior and attitudes accordingly. I think we've found the root of the problem. Rogue partial lobotomizers running amok.
WintersNightTraveler Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 if she emails me back when she has no intention of going out, that is using me. Bleargh! At this point in the process I am still googling their login name to try to make sure it's not some dude wearing tighty whiteys down in his parents basement, posting as a woman. How the heck do you guys personalize it so much so early that you get all hurt about it if they don't show? "Using you"?!? Come on!
WintersNightTraveler Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 I meant "no intention of going out with anyone". Yes, I am pissed if I spend time emailing someone on a dating site who is not interested in dating anyone. Why?!? There is all kinds of distasteful crap on the internet, dating profiles with a lack of follow through hardly stand out among the other crap as things to get pissed over. I should be happy, this probably makes things much easier for those of us who can maintain some detachment and self control about the whole process. My best friend gets pissed this way too. In his case it usually takes a date or two for the flakiness to emerge, but it's the same concept. He's a successful, clever guy in phenomenal shape. But he let's these petty things get to him. I never understand it.
WintersNightTraveler Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 so many use "the internet" as an excuse for distasteful behavior That's my whole point. It's so common. It's like being pissed at cold weather in Alaska. Just deal or look elsewhere.
meerkat stew Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Going to approach this pragmatically as opposed to finger-pointing, but want to remind WinterNights that we aren't talking about one girl who shouldn't be on the dating site, but a whole HOST of men and women seeking to use the site, i.e. use OTHERS in a way they that doesn't cause their conscience too much angst because of the anonymity. Just like here, it's easy to forget there are other people at other keyboards, not just pictures and profiles. It's not appropriate to "hate" these not ready daters for their selfishness, they are after all people in pain, but to avoid them like the plague because its not our job to share their pain and take it into our own lives. OK, to the pragmatics, how to avoid as many emotionally compromised people as possible who ran straight to the dating site for validation or whatever? For background, I've dated 30+ women from match.com since 2006. That's misleading though, because in those years, I've only been active on the site for about three months total. My goal on the site has been finding a GF and progressing from there. Have had no problem finding GFs, but getting them to last longer than 3 months without blowing up has been an issue. Have never had a woman who responded to my Email not be willing to meet me within two weeks at the very longest, usually meet within one week. Have had only one woman cancel a date out of those 30+ and she offered an instant reschedule. So, I'm doing something that screens many of these out. There's no way to know exactly what, but will try. Anyway: 1. Only contact people who are frequently logged in the site. I try to limit to those who log in every 24 hours. IME, troubled, baggagey people tend to vacillate, and may go off the site for a week or two while an ex comes back in the picture or some other preexisting relationship. They may also hide and unhide their profile frequently because they don't want the ex or someone else to see they are on match. So, don't mail those who aren't using the site frequently or those who hide and unhide their profile frequently. 2. Process the profiles in large batches. Look at 100 profiles trying to add 5-10 to favorites. Do this with various searches until you have about 50 favorites. Then watch them for a few days. Lots will drop out of the site. Refine this process until you have 50 favorites who are sticking around for awhile. So, focus on numbers rather than one or two "special" profiles (you don't really know squat about these people yet). 3. Avoid profiles with strict qualifications such as height and income. These tend to be the ones wanting to find a new trophy to wave in the exe's face, if not literally, in their own minds OR trying to recreate the ex in another body. I find recently divorced or broken up tend to be much more picky for this reason and probably others I can't figure. So, look for profiles who don't have heavy expectations listed in the profile. Because of all the weight and age lying online, this doesn't include weight and age reqs. Those are OK, talking mainly height, income, previous marital status, politics, etc. 4. I have a hilarious true story about a match date who showed up for our date, and unbeknownst to me had been driven there, and was to be picked up, BY HER LIVE-IN BOYFRIEND in the process of breaking up she had this schmo driving her to her match dates! :lmao:. I kid you not. I get this story out in the Email as quickly as possible (second email), and do fudge the "when it happened" to make it "you wouldn't believe my last match date," and use that as a lead in to make sure they aren't currently involved. Many of the damaged baggagey people will have a crisis of conscience here and spill the beans, "well, I should tell you I'm not really divorced but separated," "there is an ex in my life to some extent," "I got divorced 3 months ago," "I just broke up last week." I have another story, went out on a first match date that got rather hot fast, and immediately started getting calls from some random jealous BF/fiancee who only spoke broken English. If I get a certain vibe, will work this in and "now if you have a crazy ex, please please don't give them my phone number." This is said in a flirty teasing way that has never caused problems, but again, one more chance for them to spill the beans, and you would be surprised how many do after hearing one of my stories. Up to you as to whether you screen those out. I will usually still go out with them if they sound interesting and fun, and may have something short term, just not a GF relationship. If I get to the date and they tell me that I am their first match date, that sends up a flag to be carefully prodded into. Depending on what they say about it, I may tease them to go out on more dates so they can indeed see that they "saved the best for first," or may not mention it at all. So, get feelers out about pre-existing relationships early in an innocuous way, warm them up with true life funny experiences, and go from there. There is more, this post is too long as usual though, may add more later.
carhill Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 OP, it's pretty much the same as approaching women IRL. Everyone has their own 'stuff' and, if one IRL rejects a man, who knows 'why'? Shadow provided her 'reasons'. Men and women are free to make *any* choice they like, even if that choice is hurtful to others, and that choice carries consequences. In the example you gave, can you see what those consequences are? If you need to clarify that, just read the preponderance of Shadow's posts. It will become clear. With online dating of strangers, just like with real life dating of strangers, the imperitive is to care less and achieve better control *of yourself*. You cannot control Shadow or *any* woman you meet and/or date. Give it up. Let it go. Make a *choice* that is healthy for *you*. Good luck
Author Serenitynow Posted August 15, 2010 Author Posted August 15, 2010 You cannot control Shadow or *any* woman you meet and/or date Once again all the internet scholars keep getting it wrong. I understand that I have to explain this over and over, as everyone always overlooks the true intent of the posts on here. This thread has nothing to do with Shadow, but everything to do with the action of what is taking place. Shadow just happens to be the one that admitted to doing it. I find it much more concrete to point it out once someone does it, than to just make a thread about it. And as it goes on this forum, it doesnt take long to wait. I'm not trying to change her, control her, or anything else you come up with. I simply brought to light how its rude, dishonest, to be on a dating site when you know you are not emotionally ready to date anyone. Of course no one else that read her thread even realized it, until I pointed it out. But I understand most of the people on here dont actually want to address issues on here that hit too close to home, they just want to sit around the campfire and sing Kumbaya, passing around the kool-aid, and blinders, so the real world doesnt creep into their life. .
welikeincrowds Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 It's the lack of honesty and the disgusting game playing. That's my whole point. It's so common. Taking offense to women "using you" by flirting without follow through, especially on a dating site, is a clearer sign of baggage on the part of the rejectee. Either you've experience being used by women in the past, and are thus overly sensitive to it, and now have unrealistic expectations about commitment; or you're fragile from inexperience, because you don't know how to interpret the behaviors of others. Like half the world isn't ready to flirt with you without follow through. My goodness, a guy might waste upwards of 100 lines of text conversing with a such a woman whom he would never get the opportunity to see in person This sort of shopping around is being considerate. It's "rejection" in the most superficial sense, because there's no such thing as canceling when you haven't made an appointment. The "amount of time spent" argument is ridiculous and makes you sound bitter. This is a dating site, and it's just a game. Don't be a sore loser. Especially when you haven't actually lost yet. I'll start listening to your "stupid bitches, all of them!" argument when you start getting stood up.
WintersNightTraveler Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Once again all the internet scholars keep getting it wrong. Please quote and rebut specific points. I understand that I have to explain this over and over, as everyone always overlooks the true intent of the posts on here. True intent? Do you mean direct insulting of other members or displaying the chip on your shoulder, as quoted and bolded below: If I would have made a post about this on my own, I would have got bashed by women. You should NOT be on a dating site if you dont have the balls to meet people. sing Kumbaya What are you talking about? I'm basically telling you guys to straighten up your spine and deal with it. Nothing wishy washy about that.
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