Still single? What's wrong with you?

[Gallaxia]

(Quick read) So news outlet CNN decided to briefly tackle the issue of being single and the perceptions projected onto the unhitched by others (including the married) with a surprising conclusion- or at least I thought it was surprising.

 

I'm curious as to what you're take on it is.

 

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/08/13/still.single.lucky/index.html?hpt=C2

 

Agree? Disagree?

[a_woman]

agree or disagree with a seemingly desperate and insecure person's article? I can't even understand her viewpoint and why she ends up having that kind of conversation let alone form an opinion.

[Gallaxia]

What made you come to the conclusion of "desperate" & "insecure"? Because I didn't get that at all.

[WintersNightTraveler]

agree or disagree with a seemingly desperate and insecure person's article? I can't even understand her viewpoint and why she ends up having that kind of conversation let alone form an opinion.

 

Hey, just force some awkward alliteration and misplaced Greek mythology references into an article about cliched issues, and you too can write for CNN.

[Gallaxia]

OK, I guess what I meant to ask was what's your take on the issue itself, of people believing something must be wrong with you if you are single/unhitched, rather than the article or the way it was written.

[AverageJoe]

I dont think there is anything conclusive about that article. Its probably because she is closely approaching her 'sell by date' and that biological clock it just ticking away.

 

However, she does make a point in regards to perceptions being projected onto her. This happens to both men and women. Why should we conform to the social norms? When we dont, there is something wrong with us. Shenaniganssa I say.

 

I am unmarried (single has such a negative connotation to it) and could not be happier. I love it. I do what I want, when I want, wherever I want, as much as I want and I take out the garbage when I damn well please.

[Knittress]

I'm glad I'm still in my 20s. Oh, the things I have to look forward to...

[WintersNightTraveler]

OK, I guess what I meant to ask was what's your take on the issue itself, of people believing something must be wrong with you if you are single/unhitched, rather than the article or the way it was written.

 

It's easy to generalize so aging single women get all kinds of projections like the ones listed in the article. Guys get them too, just not as bad and different flavors (can't commit, manwhore, blah blah whatever). Kind of annoying, the assumptions are sometimes accurate but not nearly accurate enough to warrant how often they are made. Confident single people probably ignore it, others get a little worked up over it. Bleh.

[meerkat stew]

As far as substance goes, agree that single women I know tend to get lots of negative, unsolicited feedback from the people in their lives about the fact that they are single. IMO this type of feedback is rude and cliche'd, air filler that empty-headed people babble out to hear themselves talk. I suppose immediate family is entitled to do some of it, but when it comes from others it's just plain bad manners. Other than that one or two sentences, there's no substance whatsoever in the article.

 

Why do articles like this exist? Marketing, fear, greed. Here's the formula:

 

1. Figure out "interesting," if not provocative tagline that will get a click from a desired demographic.

2. Insert negative messages in article, either express or subtextual, telling the reader there is something missing in their lives.

3. Offer a convenient hole-filler via an ad for a Labor Day Sale at Macy's, a new beauty cream, a discount coupon for a pillowtop mattress, or links to a "single women's issues" webpage plastered with ads.

4. Hope the "feelbad" copy works in sending a few readers towards the advertisers.

5. Run the article over and over at various places on the net, on tv, in a mag or two.

6. Sell more ads.

7. Make more money.

 

It's pretty much simple as that. We are all being manipulated from many different directions towards many different ends each day. It isn't hidden away in a smoky room, but like that article, brazenly served straight up to us.

[brainygirl]

I'd like to be in a relationship, but I know enough people in bad marriages and relationships to really not be in a huge hurry to get that far. At this point in my life someone to go see movies or music shows with, eat out with, and stuff like that is all I want.

 

The whole settle down and get married thing makes me nervous just thinking about.

[Engadget]

OK, I guess what I meant to ask was what's your take on the issue itself, of people believing something must be wrong with you if you are single/unhitched, rather than the article or the way it was written.

 

Going to respond having read the article, but discussing the underlying issue:

 

I think the belief that something is "wrong" comes from our inherent nature as social beings. The joke you seem to hear in popular culture is that a man must be gay if he's over 30 and unmarried, which is obviously not true.

 

Many people are picky, or jaded and end up single late into life because they simply don't want the problems that come with love or marriage.

 

As for the article, I think it's well written. She's writing from a good perspective, and not being an impartial outsider on the whole thing. She knows what it's like to be in that position, so people can read it and easily identify with the message.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I agree with the article. I have seen complete nut cases get married. I have seen neurotic women, mentally ill women, abusive women get married. My morbidly obese high school friend who is also a cutter got married 5 years ago. I am still single. Sure, I have issues but they are nothing compared to what some of the married women have. So it can't be that.

 

It is about timing and luck, but it is also about standards. Many women just want a husband and security of marriage without actually being in love with said husband. If I were to be happy with that, I would be married years ago. Some women refuse to be treated like c$%^ by men, and break these realtionships off rather than marry the dudes that abuse them and cheat on them. Very few women get married to a good man they love and who loves them back and treats them well. Those are indeed the lucky ones.

[WintersNightTraveler]

3. Offer a convenient hole-filler via an ad for a Labor Day Sale at Macy's, a new beauty cream, a discount coupon for a pillowtop mattress, or links to a "single women's issues" webpage plastered with ads.

 

They screwed this step up, I don't think there's a link to a page selling her book, you'd have to copy paste the title into amazon's search box. But she was kind enough to repeat the title a couple times at the end of the article.

[Gallaxia]

I agree with the article. I have seen complete nut cases get married. I have seen neurotic women, mentally ill women, abusive women get married. My morbidly obese high school friend who is also a cutter got married 5 years ago. I am still single. Sure, I have issues but they are nothing compared to what some of the married women have. So it can't be that.

 

It is about timing and luck, but it is also about standards. Many women just want a husband and security of marriage without actually being in love with said husband. If I were to be happy with that, I would be married years ago. Some women refuse to be treated like c$%^ by men, and break these realtionships off rather than marry the dudes that abuse them and cheat on them. Very few women get married to a good man they love and who loves them back and treats them well. Those are indeed the lucky ones.

 

This!^^^ This!^ This!^ so much of This^ ... OMG, I so agree with this!

 

I had a friend that I used to hang out with get into a co-dependent, abusive, totally unhealthy relationship which (at the end) I found out was also drug-fueled. She hid her habit from me because she knew how I'd feel if I found out. They always had nasty fights. I'm talking nassssty. After one particularly nasty fight in which they managed to both completely turn their apartment upside down a la "COPS", we (her girlfriends) decided to sit her down and discuss. Let her weigh the pros & cons of everything (herself) about each other & the r'ship. She was able to conclude (on her own) that they needed to break up. But what do you think she really ended up doing? He apologized and she took him back. Their drama was spilling out everywhere so I cut them loose. I could no longer be involved in that drama. I later heard he proposed, they got married within a year of that and to make matters worse, they had a baby. A baby is such a gift! To involve a child in such a terrible environment is such a shame.

 

I remind myself of situations like this- where people are more afraid to be alone & settle, to conform to society's "rules", rather than working on oneself & being able to WAIT, recognize & offer the best within themselves as well as others- in finding a great partner.

 

I'm still single but my take is that it's because I'm unwilling to settle. Some people get it, some don't. I'm looking for someone who has as much to offer as I do & I'm not talking $$$. If & until that happens, I'll throw on my iPod & watch the scenery...... I'm good!

Edited August 15, 2010 by Gallaxia

[Sphere]

There is nothing wrong with being a singleton.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I'm still single but my take is that it's because I'm unwilling to settle

 

 

This is pretty much the crux of my situation too.

 

Out of 5 of my friends that got married, 3 have admitted to me that they were never "in love" with their husbands. One had another relationship with an ex all through dating her now husband. She was hoping desparetly that the ex will propose, but he ended up dumping her. She then married her "back up" guy.

 

Another friend was dating a guy for 6 years but kept cheating on him and breaking up with him constantly to pursue other men (because he just "didn't do it" for her on a physical level). She even got preganant and engaged to another man but he ended up breaking it off few days before the wedding. She went back to the 6 years guy who married her and is raising another man's child. She now constantly tells me how everything about him "disgusts her" and sex with him "makes her want to vomit". Yep, stuff dreams are made of.

 

And when you take into account people you don't know well who are not going to be open about this kind of stuff....."marriage" as a holy grail is laughable.

[Lipsy10]

First of all I want to say there is Nothing wrong with being single! I know some truely happy single people.

 

But I also know alot of people who aren't happy to be single. Lets face it being longterm single can be lonely especially when most of your circle of friends are settleing down. Being unhappily single for years can make a person bitter. So bitter they start to find faults in other peoples relationships. If a married couple has an argument or goes thru a rough patch these bitter singles decide that the married couple don't really love each other they just got married because they were desperate to settle down.......

 

This is so they can feel better about there own single status..." im still single bacause I refuse to settle like everyone else..." Im refering to comments made by SadandConfusedWA and Gallaxia.

 

 

 

I remind myself of situations like this- where people are more afraid to be alone & settle, to conform to society's "rules", rather than working on oneself & being able to WAIT, recognize & offer the best within themselves as well as others- in finding a great partner.

 

I'm still single but my take is that it's because I'm unwilling to settle. Some people get it, some don't. I'm looking for someone who has as much to offer as I do & I'm not talking $$$. If & until that happens, I'll throw on my iPod & watch the scenery...... I'm good!

 

Now Gallaxia Im sure the person your talking about in this situation was probably in a distructive relationship but that doesn't mean that most people only marry to conform to society's rules.

 

Also just because a couple may have an argument or an 'off' day doesn't mean they settled it just means their having an 'off' day. People like you and SadandConfusedWA read way to much into other peoples domestics.

 

Im engaged and yes my OH and I fight like cat and dog sometimes and Im sure some people wonder why the hell where together but those people don't see what happens behind closed doors. We truely love each other and when its good its great.

 

A very small minority marry out of desparation. I'd say 95% of marrages start of with love. Some of them don't work out but thats life, people change and move in different directions.

 

I have to say I find it highly insulting when bitter singles put down my relationship and every other relationship as just "2 desperate people settleing". Don't put down other people just to make yourself feel better.

 

If your truely happy to be single you wont feel the need to justify your choice to yourself or anybody

[westrock]

I'm still single but my take is that it's because I'm unwilling to settle

 

 

This is pretty much the crux of my situation too.

 

 

It is okay to say that one is unwilling to "settle", but it's equally important to be clear in one's mind what are the criteria one is unwilling (and willing) to settle on otherwise we could easily overlook someone who is a great partner.

 

Someone who is in a relationship where there is cheating, abuse, or other destructive qualities is clearly in a very unhealthy relationship. Nobody should "settle" for a relationship with someone with such destructive qualities. But, at the other end of the spectrum, I've observed that people also take the position of "I am unwilling to settle" for what amounts to trivial factors in the big picture and in the process they pass up a great partner.

 

Since everyone has qualities that are different from us, it's very easy to reject anyone on the basis that we won't "settle". If our impression of relationships, whether our own relationships or of those around us, is that they are negative or destructive we can easily reject everyone by rationalizing our position on the basis that we won't settle. As a result we likely are passing up great partners, and then we wonder why we are single and can't find anyone.

 

Since no one is perfect, if we want to find a life partner, eventually we have to "settle" to some extent and there is nothing wrong with that. The key is to be able to identify which qualities that we are willing to accept in a potential partner (some positive, some negative) -- we will have to settle on those qualities. But, we also need to be able to identify which destructive qualities we are not willing to accept and with those it is proper to refuse to "settle" on those qualities. Only then will we find ourselves with the "luck" that the article's author is talking about.

[meerkat stew]

Out of 5 of my friends that got married, 3 have admitted to me that they were never "in love" with their husbands. One had another relationship with an ex all through dating her now husband. She was hoping desperately that the ex will propose, but he ended up dumping her. She then married her "back up" guy.

 

Another friend was dating a guy for 6 years but kept cheating on him and breaking up with him constantly to pursue other men (because he just "didn't do it" for her on a physical level). She even got pregnant and engaged to another man but he ended up breaking it off few days before the wedding. She went back to the 6 years guy who married her and is raising another man's child. She now constantly tells me how everything about him "disgusts her" and sex with him "makes her want to vomit". Yep, stuff dreams are made of.

 

And when you take into account people you don't know well who are not going to be open about this kind of stuff....."marriage" as a holy grail is laughable.

 

And the above also illustrates just one of several reasons why men are running from the marriage institution in droves, exacerbating the "35-40 and still single" issue. Will bet dollars to donuts most if not all of the men mentioned above have no idea of their wives true loathing of them.

[Stung]

I know some people do think this way, but it's limited thinking. Sure, there are people who are single because they have difficulty making connections for whatever reason...but there are married people who have deep flaws, there are marriages built on quicksand, and there are single people who have simply chosen other paths, or have yet to encounter a true mate.

 

There is a whole tragicomic spectrum of human failings and struggles for redemption, in every walk of life and every income tax bracket.

[Sphere]

There's a difference between settling and compromising when it comes to entering a relationship with someone.

 

I am willing to compromise, not settle and solid relationships are formed on compromise, not settling.

 

As long as I like her personality, am sexually attracted to her and feel we'll be heading in the same direction then I will compromise on other issues which are non-essential for a good relationship.

 

Where I won't compromise is when the girl and I are odds on every level. We need to have the same core values otherwise it's a no go for me.

[Lipsy10]

There's a difference between settling and compromising when it comes to entering a relationship with someone.

 

I am willing to compromise, not settle and solid relationships are formed on compromise, not settling.

 

As long as I like her personality, am sexually attracted to her and feel we'll be heading in the same direction then I will compromise on other issues which are non-essential for a good relationship.

 

Where I won't compromise is when the girl and I are odds on every level. We need to have the same core values otherwise it's a no go for me.

 

100% agree. You have to be willing to compromise and take the good with the bad. I think thats where alot (not all) longterm single people go wrong. The older you get and the longer your alone the less willing you are to compromise.

[Woggle]

And the above also illustrates just one of several reasons why men are running from the marriage institution in droves, exacerbating the "35-40 and still single" issue. Will bet dollars to donuts most if not all of the men mentioned above have no idea of their wives true loathing of them.

 

And people wonder why many men would rather just be players and why I am so neurotic about my marriage. I would bet that the vast majority of married women feel this way about their husbands. Why trade the adoration of many women for the loathing and criticism of one?

[Gallaxia]

First of all I want to say there is Nothing wrong with being single! I know some truely happy single people.

 

But I also know alot of people who aren't happy to be single. Lets face it being longterm single can be lonely especially when most of your circle of friends are settleing down. Being unhappily single for years can make a person bitter. So bitter they start to find faults in other peoples relationships. If a married couple has an argument or goes thru a rough patch these bitter singles decide that the married couple don't really love each other they just got married because they were desperate to settle down.......

 

This is so they can feel better about there own single status..." im still single bacause I refuse to settle like everyone else..." Im refering to comments made by SadandConfusedWA and Gallaxia.

 

 

 

 

Now Gallaxia Im sure the person your talking about in this situation was probably in a distructive relationship but that doesn't mean that most people only marry to conform to society's rules.

 

Also just because a couple may have an argument or an 'off' day doesn't mean they settled it just means their having an 'off' day. People like you and SadandConfusedWA read way to much into other peoples domestics.

 

Im engaged and yes my OH and I fight like cat and dog sometimes and Im sure some people wonder why the hell where together but those people don't see what happens behind closed doors. We truely love each other and when its good its great.

 

A very small minority marry out of desparation. I'd say 95% of marrages start of with love. Some of them don't work out but thats life, people change and move in different directions.

 

I have to say I find it highly insulting when bitter singles put down my relationship and every other relationship as just "2 desperate people settleing". Don't put down other people just to make yourself feel better.

 

If your truely happy to be single you wont feel the need to justify your choice to yourself or anybody

 

Based on the story I shared, you just justified physical and emotional abuse...WTH? Nobody needs or deserves that.

 

Assuming that all singles are bitter is feeding into the stereotype. How you equate the two is your business, but not necessarily the case.

 

All I'm saying is don't settle. The grass is most definitely not greener- single or married. There's no need to worry about those who are married or attached (and as another poster mentioned) with their bad manners, when they label you "bitter" etc., and question if something is wrong because you're not doing the same.

 

I'm willing to wait for a great relationship that is great and healthy all the time. Not just when it's good. Please don't read it as "perfect", because there's no such thing.

 

You're right nobody has to justify anything but on the same note, it helps to also see the bigger picture objectively. If I'm trying to be the best me possible for myself & for my hopeful future H, I don't see how doing that, is reading too much into things. We all can learn from other people's experiences.

[Lipsy10]

Based on the story I shared, you just justified physical and emotional abuse...WTH? Nobody needs or deserves that.

 

Assuming that all singles are bitter is feeding into the stereotype. How you equate the two is your business, but not necessarily the case.

 

You clearly didn't properly read my post if you believe any of that.

 

All I'm saying is don't settle. The grass is most definitely not greener- single or married. There's no need to worry about those who are married or attached (and as another poster mentioned) with their bad manners, when they label you "bitter" etc., and question if something is wrong because you're not doing the same.

 

All Im saying is the majority of people don't settle. Just because you haven't found a partner for whatever reason don't put down other peoples relationships by saying .."well your only married because you were desperate not to be single and settled.." which is basically what you were saying. Read my post again.. I don't think there is anything wrong with being single. We have all been single at some point and probably will be numerous times in our life.

 

I'm willing to wait for a great relationship that is great and healthy all the time. Not just when it's good. Please don't read it as "perfect", because there's no such thing.

 

No relationship is great all the time. If your gonna spend years with someone, share your life with them ..for better, for worse in sickness and in health.. it is completely unrealistic to think its gonna be great all the time. If you leave a relationship the second things get difficult well then you will never have a longlasting relationship.

 

We all can learn from other people's experiences.

 

This is true. But when you stock pile stories about people in unhappy relationships and then project those stories on to every couple and use those examples to justify to yourself and other people why your still single well then it is verging on bitter.

 

If your happy to be single, then be happy . Don't post story after story about your numerous friends who were in disasterous relationships and then say this is why Im single, I wont settle for this. No one is asking you to. None of that happened to you. Live your own life... get your own experiences.

Edited August 15, 2010 by Lipsy10