Depression and Relationships

[pandagirl]

I have long suffered from depression, but I am continually dealing with it and trying to get better. I can go months and months feeling fine, but then bam, I'll go into a funk. Right now, I've been in a "spell" for a couple of months, which has been very frustrating for me, and now lately it has been affecting my relationship, though we are working through it.

 

I'm curious to know who here has dealt with depression in a relationship, whether you were the one who had it or the one dealing with your partner.

 

How did it affect your relationship (if at all)?

[alex1960]

I had to deal with a depressive partner a couple of times. I still have good memories but I also went through very difficult moments, trying to help my partner but feeling rejected time and again.

[zengirl]

I have long suffered from depression, but I am continually dealing with it and trying to get better. I can go months and months feeling fine, but then bam, I'll go into a funk. Right now, I've been in a "spell" for a couple of months, which has been very frustrating for me, and now lately it has been affecting my relationship, though we are working through it.

 

I'm curious to know who here has dealt with depression in a relationship, whether you were the one who had it or the one dealing with your partner.

 

How did it affect your relationship (if at all)?

 

The ex I lived with had a history of depression and anxiety and was on medication, but he was treating it long before he met me. Is yours treated or untreated? (I'm not saying I always believe in meds; it all depends.) He had a therapist he still saw twice a month and had already done extensive therapy with. There were times he still had bouts of depression or had to change his medications, but he was pretty adept at dealing with it and didn't need me to help him, which helped a bit. Not that I wasn't supportive, but feeling like someone is mentally unstable to the point where they need me to do something to help "fix" them would bother me.

 

The flare ups weren't a big deal because we both recognized them for what they were. They never lasted as long as all that---months---like you're saying. Maybe a few weeks. He was really proactive about it and took no issues with me pointing out if he was sinking into something.

 

I think everybody must get depressed, no? I certainly have been. It's like a fog you come out of and you just wonder, "What was all that pain?" Not actual sadness that you realize at the time, but just the heavy burden. Hasn't happened for me in several years, as I think all the times it happened to me was situational, not chemical. Or maybe switching to healthier foods and certain kinds of exercise eradicated it.

[Feelin Frisky]

I went to smitherenes after a high hopes relationship turned disasterous. I sought professional help and educated myself on emerging meds at the time. Prozac was new then and it helped me pull it back together. I have what's called dysthymia--it's recurrent chemical imbalance which if left untreated, I recede, get heavy and tend to wear beards and hats and say nah alot. I much prefer the outgoing rah-rah genleman you see in my av, so I continue to take my one-a-day dose of Prozac. No big whoop.

[skydiveaddict]

I have long suffered from depression, but I am continually dealing with it and trying to get better. I can go months and months feeling fine, but then bam, I'll go into a funk. Right now, I've been in a "spell" for a couple of months, which has been very frustrating for me, and now lately it has been affecting my relationship, though we are working through it.

 

I'm curious to know who here has dealt with depression in a relationship, whether you were the one who had it or the one dealing with your partner.

 

How did it affect your relationship (if at all)?

 

 

Panda , depression is nothing to fool with. There are medications and counseling that can cure you of it. Yes I said CURE. I have PTSD from the war but am getting better everyday. It wasn't the cause of our break up cause I never heard from her when I got back . But I am healing and you can too

 

Good luck and remember to stay busy and exercise every day very important.

[skydiveaddict]

Frisky is a perfect example of one who responds well to meds. There is something out there that will help you

[Lorelai]

I've been in relationships with people who suffered from depression. The ones where the person sought help for it went much, much better than the ones that didn't.

 

If you recognize that depression is a factor, that insight will help immensely.

 

Right now, I don't think I could be in a relationship with anyone with mood disorders or other psychiatric problems who was not attempting to get better -- seeking help. I'm willing and able to listen, and I think that's part of what being a good partner is, but I can't change anyone... and there are going to be times when what the person needs to talk about is me, or things they don't want me to hear. Plus, it's not like I have the ability to prescribe meds.

 

If you recognize that depression is a problem, I'd sincerely suggest that you look for some outside help. Your general practitioner might be able to try some first-line medication treatments, but there are also community mental health centers and other types of therapy that might help as much or more than medication depending on the root cause of your depression. If a medicine doesn't work, don't hesitate to talk to whoever prescribed it about finding one that does. If the side effects are problematic, let them know and see if they can recommend another without those side effects.

 

There is help out there. It's hard to ask for help, but I think you'll find that you're better off for it.

 

Virtual hugs to you and yours.

[robaday]

I have a long history of depression and ocd and it does seem to come out more in relationships-i.e. i can cope fine on my own, but having someone depend on me is a scary proposition.

 

i dont need anyone to "help" me, i just need someone who is independent, patient and able to give me the space i need when im blue. i am prone to withdrawing from my partners because i dont like bringing them down.

 

In my first relationship i lashed out a huge amount, pushed people away visciously because i hated myself so much, i thought they must have been ill to love me. at my lowest depths we're talking alcohol, drug abuse, reckless behavior and emotional blackmail-seriously it aint something that should be treated lightly and in retrospect i had no business in any relationships at that time.

 

i went to counselling for 1.5 years which taught me a huge amount about why my thinking was so negative, taught me what i was going through was normal and allowed me to trust someone with everything-the whole dark package, all the darkest secrets. I also went on meds for two years as well-it was a time of immense grief and sadness-my mother told me recently she'd already began mourning my death a year ago my downward spiral was so bad.

 

a year ago, i stopped counselling and medications. i began weightlifting, running daily, boxing, i changed my diet completely (researching what foods could aid me), and volunteering has helped-it taught me there are people with far worse problems than myself.

 

the big fear with depression and relationships is co-dependence, the minute you "need" someone its a recipe for unhealthy dynamics

[TheBigQuestion]

Panda , depression is nothing to fool with. There are medications and counseling that can cure you of it. Yes I said CURE. I have PTSD from the war but am getting better everyday. It wasn't the cause of our break up cause I never heard from her when I got back . But I am healing and you can too

 

Good luck and remember to stay busy and exercise every day very important.

 

Medications alone cannot fully cure you of depression. Most sufferers of depression would agree that any combination of counseling or medication is also not a genuine cure for depression. It's a life condition, not necessarily a "disease" in the same way that the flu is a disease.

[zengirl]

Medications alone cannot fully cure you of depression. Most sufferers of depression would agree that any combination of counseling or medication is also not a genuine cure for depression. It's a life condition, not necessarily a "disease" in the same way that the flu is a disease.

 

This is important to remember.

 

Some people can be more cured by meds alone than others; some actually don't even need meds. All depends. Best way is to go to someone highly educated, trained, and trusted and start treatment.

[K'aycie]

This is important to remember.

 

Some people can be more cured by meds alone than others; some actually don't even need meds. All depends. Best way is to go to someone highly educated, trained, and trusted and start treatment.

 

I agree. Self diagnosing and management should be used in conjunction with a trained and licensed professional, not solely.

[TheBigQuestion]

This is important to remember.

 

Some people can be more cured by meds alone than others; some actually don't even need meds. All depends. Best way is to go to someone highly educated, trained, and trusted and start treatment.

 

Exactly. 9 times out of 10, your general practitioner is not one to give you meds, nor are even most psychological/psychiatric professionals. It's convenient for sufferers of depression to view their disorder as a disease (i.e. give me a pill and my issues go away) rather than something more deep and complex. And contrary to popular belief, within the psychological as well as psychiatric communities, there are huge discrepancies regarding the treatment and nature of depression. There are few if any genuine consensuses.

[sb129]

I have suffered from depression a couple of times. Most recent was post natal depression, I had a pretty stressful year in 2009.

 

H found it hard. I don't think he really "gets" depression, but even he admitted that the change after I started taking meds was huge. Now its hard because they have totally destroyed my libido which has contributed to further stress within our marriage, but I am in the process of coming off them.

 

I have been to IC and we had a bit of MC together too which was good.

 

Its definitely not easy. We get there though- communication is very important.

[pandagirl]

Panda , depression is nothing to fool with. There are medications and counseling that can cure you of it. Yes I said CURE. I have PTSD from the war but am getting better everyday. It wasn't the cause of our break up cause I never heard from her when I got back . But I am healing and you can too

 

Good luck and remember to stay busy and exercise every day very important.

 

Thanks for your words. I have been in therapy and on different meds at different times in my life. Usually, my slumps don't last very long, but I'm currently in one that I can't get out of. I think it's a combination of being situation and chemical. I started one med about a month ago that did not agree with me, so I switched and now am on another one. It's only been five days, but I'm not experiencing the same awful side effects as with the last one, so I hope this one will work out for me.

 

the big fear with depression and relationships is co-dependence, the minute you "need" someone its a recipe for unhealthy dynamics

 

Yes! This is exactly what I have feared in relationships, and it isn't until recently that I've realized this is what has happened. My career isn't going so great, I'm having money stress -- two things that I've prided myself on all my life. I've started to depend on my BF too much to make me happy.

 

In my first long-term relationship, I was very needy and clingy, and I think it created unnecessary tension between us. I learned how to dial down my emotions a bit in subsequent relationships.

 

I've learned, though, that if you can find someone who won't try to fill any voids you have for you, but instead help you in bettering yourself, then that's a really good thing. It's easy for me to slip back into feelung dependent on the person I'm with. It can require some tough love sometimes.

 

I'm beginning to get needy and clingy, which is unlike the REAL me, and it is creating tension between us. He's getting tired of me complaining about this and that. I am constantly looking for reassurance from him. In the beginning, he would listen, was understanding and compassionate. Now, he's just getting tired of hearing it.

 

He tells me that he can't fix me. Which is true. We've been fighting a lot because of it. I keep on pushing for validation from him, which is pushing him away and making him angry. Even though I can rationally understand his position, it makes me feel like he doesn't care about me, and I grow resentful. When I try to communicate this with him, he shuts down. And let the vicious cycle begin.

 

Right now, I can't tell which of my emotions are real and what is because of the depression. I can't tell if I am being irrational or if he is being a jerk.

 

It's really tiring.