Is this proper behaviour for a 46 yr old man?

[Deanbeans]

I have been seeing a man for just under 3 years & I've never had such a close, intimate connection with any man, as I do with him. I'm a very young 46 & he is 5 weeks younger than I am.

 

But we have has this ongoing issue that keeps rearing its ugly head. Let me say firsthand that I KNOW men look at other women. But the problem is HOW he does it. There is absolutely NO tact & no discretion used at all. He stares openly at girls as young as 14 or even younger. He has to get the full frontal & will crane his head if he can't see it all. He has to see the breasts, crotch & rear-end & he lingers, not caring if they can tell or not. I find this behaviour extremely lewd & embarrassing, for the young girls involved, myself & also I'm embarrassed for him. He acts like all young girls are potential porn stars. I have a 19 year old daughter & her friends have told her he makes them uncomfortable & they feel somewhat violated. He responds to this by saying I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I have dated many men in my life before being married for 20 years. Only one acted like this & it was a very brief relationship.

 

Please don't tell me to dump him. The love is there & a deep affection - we are compatible in so many ways & do a lot of things together; I really don't think he would cheat on me. But this is a constant deal-buster. I am really having a difficult time with it. I am nervous about appearing in public with him. I know that when a man stares at me like that when he's with his wife, especially if she has not aged that well (it happens!) - I feel HORRIBLE for the wife, because the message he's sending me feels like he'd rather be with me than his poor wife - and I've had married men seriously hit on me. I think this behaviour is very rude & insensitive to his wife. I had only ever dealt with men staring at me when I was married, but never had to deal with my ex-husband of 20 years ogling other women. Our marriage ended due to other conflicts, but infidelity & mistrust was not one of them.

 

My daughter's boyfriend is 18 & he does not stare at other girls other than a quick glance that he'd cast anyone, male or female, in his field of vision.

 

My boyfriend thinks his behaviour is normal & that ALL men do this. I say he is wrong about that. Perhaps all men DO look, but they are much more discreet so as not to make anyone uncomfortable & save themselves the embarrassment. I have asked many of my guy friends if they look as my guy does. They all tell me a quick glance is good enough for them. I am with them enough & I believe this to be true. I see them cast a quick look & no more than that. They have also told me it's important for their wife or girlfriend to feel like she is number one & they'd rather not make her feel less than or insecure.

 

What can I do to get my point across to him, how much it hurts me & demeans my character when I see this day after day??

 

Please don't respond if you're just going to tell me to get over it. I hear that enough from him.

 

Thanks!!

[BiAxident]

In modern society, that behavior is only appropriate if he is in a strip club, or judging a beauty contest. I'll admit to taking more than a glancing view at many a woman/girl, but I never go so far as to crane my neck around, and I make it a point to not do it when in public with a significant other.

 

As for how you can get your point across, I dont think that is the problem. It sounds as though he understands the message you are trying to convey, but he doesnt agree with the point you are trying to make (that it is inappropriate) or he just doesnt care.

[djhall]

If he is 46 and he is still doing this, especially when he already knows it makes you uncomfortable, I doubt his basic impulse to act that way is going to change. Would it be enough for you if you could convince him to stop doing it in your presence?

[Angel1111]

Hey, get over it. haha...sorry I couldn't resist.

 

Look, I've known a number of men and I've never, ever seen a man look at a woman in the way that you're describing. Not once. What disturbs me just as much as his behavior is the fact that he doesn't care that he makes young girls feel uncomfortable. This sends alarms bells off in my head very loudly. Whether you want to hear it or not, his behavior reminds me of something you'd expect from a pervert or sex offender. If I were you, I'd be very careful with this guy.

 

I know you think you have a great relationship and all but the truth is he demeans and embarasses you, and he dismisses your concerns. This is not a great relationship, depsite all the other stuff that might be great. You yourself call it the deal-buster. Let me use my axe murderer theory here: You tell your friend that 'hey, I've got a new boyfriend!' and your friend asks about him. You tell her he's great with kids, treats you like a jewel, loves your family, and then you add, 'oh, yea, and he's an axe murder.' Despite all the great stuff, it's ridiculous to think that this glaring problem can be brushed off.

 

I would tell this man in no uncertain terms that if he wanted to keep me in his life that this behavior would have to change immediately. And if it didn't, then I'd let him know that it's over. If you do this, make sure he understands that he doesn't get a second chance on this one - he either stops it once and for all or you're outta there. Sorry, I know you don't want to hear that but it's true. Something is very wrong here. If he doesn't stop doing this, he leaves you with no choice.

[mem11363]

He KNOWS this is wrong. He will only stop when you inflict enough pain on him that it breaks him of the habit. If he isn't totally into you, he might bail over this but that seems unlikely after 3 years.

 

If it was me, I would firmly tell him that if he does it in public you are going home - right then. He can either come with, or find alternate transport. It won't take more than 3 times.

 

On a different but related note if my very young looking and delightfully attractive 47 year old W (I am also 47), and I are out and a really hot woman walks into view I don't give her any more notice than I do anyone else, which is very little notice at all. Often though I will suddenly get a sharp elbow - and when I ask "hey - what was that for - she just smiles and says - it was for what you were thinking". I just laugh and shrug.

 

 

I have been seeing a man for just under 3 years & I've never had such a close, intimate connection with any man, as I do with him. I'm a very young 46 & he is 5 weeks younger than I am.

 

But we have has this ongoing issue that keeps rearing its ugly head. Let me say firsthand that I KNOW men look at other women. But the problem is HOW he does it. There is absolutely NO tact & no discretion used at all. He stares openly at girls as young as 14 or even younger. He has to get the full frontal & will crane his head if he can't see it all. He has to see the breasts, crotch & rear-end & he lingers, not caring if they can tell or not. I find this behaviour extremely lewd & embarrassing, for the young girls involved, myself & also I'm embarrassed for him. He acts like all young girls are potential porn stars. I have a 19 year old daughter & her friends have told her he makes them uncomfortable & they feel somewhat violated. He responds to this by saying I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I have dated many men in my life before being married for 20 years. Only one acted like this & it was a very brief relationship.

 

Please don't tell me to dump him. The love is there & a deep affection - we are compatible in so many ways & do a lot of things together; I really don't think he would cheat on me. But this is a constant deal-buster. I am really having a difficult time with it. I am nervous about appearing in public with him. I know that when a man stares at me like that when he's with his wife, especially if she has not aged that well (it happens!) - I feel HORRIBLE for the wife, because the message he's sending me feels like he'd rather be with me than his poor wife - and I've had married men seriously hit on me. I think this behaviour is very rude & insensitive to his wife. I had only ever dealt with men staring at me when I was married, but never had to deal with my ex-husband of 20 years ogling other women. Our marriage ended due to other conflicts, but infidelity & mistrust was not one of them.

 

My daughter's boyfriend is 18 & he does not stare at other girls other than a quick glance that he'd cast anyone, male or female, in his field of vision.

 

My boyfriend thinks his behaviour is normal & that ALL men do this. I say he is wrong about that. Perhaps all men DO look, but they are much more discreet so as not to make anyone uncomfortable & save themselves the embarrassment. I have asked many of my guy friends if they look as my guy does. They all tell me a quick glance is good enough for them. I am with them enough & I believe this to be true. I see them cast a quick look & no more than that. They have also told me it's important for their wife or girlfriend to feel like she is number one & they'd rather not make her feel less than or insecure.

 

What can I do to get my point across to him, how much it hurts me & demeans my character when I see this day after day??

 

Please don't respond if you're just going to tell me to get over it. I hear that enough from him.

 

Thanks!!

[Jilly Bean]

Gee - so even your teenage daughter and her friends know he's a lech and is inappropriate, but you'd rather bury your head in the sand and not have anyone tell you to dump him.

 

So, why are you here? You know he's sick, we know he's sick, but you've already said you won't leave him, so not sure what you are looking for here.

 

A 46-year old man who is openly oggling 14-year old children's crotches is a twisted and deeply disturbed person.

 

Maybe you should be trying to figure out why you are completely lacking in boundaries, and would tolerate such reprehensible behavior, and why you have no problem bringing a person like this around your child and her friends, even when she tells you he makes them so uncomfortable.

[djhall]

Whether you want to hear it or not, his behavior reminds me of something you'd expect from a pervert or sex offender.

Ahhhhh... I was trying to avoid going there. However, since the topic was broached, this behavior does indicate a significant sexual interest in young, post-pubescent girls. However, in my experience and limited training, the fact he is so open about it likely means he doesn't currently have any expectation of ever acting on it. If he expected to have any sexual contact with an underage girl, he would most likely be much more cautious about letting everyone know about his interest.

 

However, as pointed out, a 46 year old man knows perfectly well he is leering, and if he knows it is bothering you and continuing to do it, he dang sure has a significant interest in what he is leering at.

[Jilly Bean]

this behavior does indicate a significant sexual interest in young, post-pubescent girls.

 

His interest is in PRE-pubescent girls 14 and younger.

[djhall]

His interest is in PRE-pubescent girls 14 and younger.

Oh! Yeah, I zipped past the "or younger" qualifier, though I wonder how much younger. The vast majority of men with a sexual interest in minors, though certainly not all, have a strong preference between pre and post pubescent and typically don't cross that barrier by much. Basically, hebephilia is frequently associated with ephebophilia, but infrequently with pedophilia.

 

Of course, I'm not an expert... just an amateur with some basic training in the area.

[skydiveaddict]

I'm a 51 yr old single "lech" and even I dont do that. You need to have a straight up talk w/your boyfriend

[TaraMaiden]

Gee - so even your teenage daughter and her friends know he's a lech and is inappropriate, but you'd rather bury your head in the sand and not have anyone tell you to dump him.

 

So, why are you here? You know he's sick, we know he's sick, but you've already said you won't leave him, so not sure what you are looking for here.

 

A 46-year old man who is openly oggling 14-year old children's crotches is a twisted and deeply disturbed person.

 

Maybe you should be trying to figure out why you are completely lacking in boundaries, and would tolerate such reprehensible behavior, and why you have no problem bringing a person like this around your child and her friends, even when she tells you he makes them so uncomfortable.

 

I completely agree with this.

You list his wonderful qualities, but this is an afterthought. It's an afterthought, because otherwise you would have listed them first.

These afterthoughts are a justification to us as to why you are still with a guy who is frankly, conducting himself obscenely. In public.

 

The way you get through to him is to make him understand in no uncertain terms that what he is doing is intolerable, unacceptable, rude, disrespectful and frankly, revolting.

 

REVOLTING.

He is revolting.

If he's making your daughter and her friends uncomfortable, how long will it be before he begins making inappropriate remarks?

 

I do not personally know of any men who behave in this way.

 

Oh hang on, yes, I do.

Most of them end up banged up and serving time.

 

I'm a 51 yr old single "lech" and even I dont do that. You need to have a straight up talk w/your boyfriend

 

 

I rest our cases.

 

If you are so determined that no matter how bad his behaviour is, you are going to stick with him, then good luck to you.

But this is a form of accepting compliance.

While you insist on tolerating this - you are effectively adding your silent endorsement.

 

so much for feminine dignity.

 

Really, you need to get your mind in order, because this is wrong.

It's just wrong.

[cookie2]

In the words of the Manics...

 

If you tolerate this, then your children will be next.

 

Please set a good example to your children, don't teach them that this kind of behaviour is normal and acceptable. Yes they know it is wrong, but by allowing it to continue you are showing them that you don't practice what you preach, that you accept it, and that it is acceptable for a man to get away with whatever he likes.

[Angel1111]

Of course, I'm not an expert... just an amateur with some basic training in the area.

 

:laugh:

[Angel1111]

If you are so determined that no matter how bad his behaviour is, you are going to stick with him, then good luck to you.

But this is a form of accepting compliance.

While you insist on tolerating this - you are effectively adding your silent endorsement.

 

i.e., collusion.

[mickleb]

Some excellent points made here.

 

I think you need a lot of support, yourself, if you are so unwilling to enforce healthy boundaries in your relationships.

 

It is very concerning that you consider this to be the most intimate relationship you've had. I wonder what your idea of intimacy constitutes of. Allowing someone to disrespect you, your child and other young women in this way? Is that closeness, for you?

 

You do present as a very young 46 year-old. You present like a seriously abused 14 year-old. I'm not being mean, I am being honest - I work with kids like this, whose idea of a healthy relationship is as distorted as yours.

 

I would suggest you seek some counselling to address your issues here.

 

Take care.

 

x

[Treasa]

Gee - so even your teenage daughter and her friends know he's a lech and is inappropriate, but you'd rather bury your head in the sand and not have anyone tell you to dump him.

 

So, why are you here? You know he's sick, we know he's sick, but you've already said you won't leave him, so not sure what you are looking for here.

 

A 46-year old man who is openly oggling 14-year old children's crotches is a twisted and deeply disturbed person.

 

Maybe you should be trying to figure out why you are completely lacking in boundaries, and would tolerate such reprehensible behavior, and why you have no problem bringing a person like this around your child and her friends, even when she tells you he makes them so uncomfortable.

 

DITTO! Wow, that saved me a lot of this typing this early in the day.

[Ronni_W]

Deanbeans,

You mentioned a few times about "infidelity and mistrust" but that is so not the current problem or future concern.

 

If you demand of yourself that you stay in relationship with this man, then you are demanding of yourself that you accept his truth: when it comes to him doing what he wants to do, he does not give a crap about your feelings, your wants or your needs; nor about your daughter's feelings; nor about social conventions.

 

You could only request/expect a change in his behaviour *IF* he also cared about how his current actions are impacting you. But he has been very clear that he does not care. There is no point that you can make that will somehow "help" him to care about your feelings, or get that there's a real problem.

 

By all means, stay in the relationship. But it'll still be up to YOU to decide if and when your and your daughter's feelings, wants and needs are a big deal and count for something! You have to care about, speak out for and protect those things yourself, for you and on your daughter's behalf. Because he has already told you that, when it comes to how he satisfies his, er, "ogling needs", you cannot count on him to care about your feelings.

 

I have a 19 year old daughter & her friends have told her he makes them uncomfortable & they feel somewhat violated. He responds to this by saying I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

 

HIS point, which you haven't yet gotten, is: "I don't give a crap that you think this behaviour of mine is lewd, crude and rude. I don't give a crap if you find it embarrassing, hurtful and demeaning. I don't give a crap if your daughter and her friends feel uncomfortable around and violated by me. It's not a big deal to me. Your hurt and distress and discomfort mean nothing to me."

 

*IF* you really are going to force yourself to stay with this guy, then you must accept what he's been telling and showing you about himself. Accept all of it and commit to stop bitching about it. Because he does not give a crap about your feelings and wants about this. Because he is NOT going to hear you or change the manner in which he is meeting his own "ogling needs".