Not all MM are liars

[bentnotbroken]

No, my MM is not being honest with her - part of my apprehension and laying back from the relationship right now. I know that there are things that will blow up once (if ever) he does tell her and I don't necessarily want to deal with the drama. It is drama with his kids, based on what he has told me (believe me I know it's his side) she has threatened to make it extremely difficult for him to see his children should he get involved with someone else. Occassionally, she still wants to be with him...when things are going right or she is having problems with the kids. That is what I used to do with my xH, I would want to be with him when the kids were giving me a hard time or I was getting overwhelmed..I would call him constantly and text non-stop knowing that I was interrupting a date or something else. I really didn't want to be with him, just wanted him to be around.

 

Here is how I see it...when my xH and I were separated he never told me about the girls he was seeing/sleeping with because I really had no right to know - we weren't together and it wasn't my expectation. Same thing for him, he doesn't want to know who I am sleeping/seeing now or when we were separated.

 

Do I think that it would make it better if my MM would tell his W? I don't know. She is going to find out sooner or later because we don't hide in the house or go to places no one knows him. Last week, a mutual friend of both his and his wife was hanging out with us at my house and said to my MM after leaving the house...I know you are in love with this girl (me) are you going to get a divorce now? My MM didn't tell me his response, but I can only assume that "me" is going to get back to the W. In addition to this occurrence, I have met his family and I know it will get back because he was holding my hand, etc. in front of them.

 

 

Makes him a liar in the grand scheme of things. So let's say 99.9% of MP having affairs lie.

[Mimolicious]

I think you're confusing what a "lie" is with unfulfilled promises.

 

I promised my mother I would take her to Paris this summer... I couldn't because I had to travel for work. Did I lie? No. My intentions were honest and truthful, the plan didn't go accordingly.

 

I told my xH that he looks like Brad Pitt... guess what that was? You get the drill.

[2sure]

An unfulfilled promise in no way conceals, hides, obstructs, or otherwise distorts the reality of another person. An unfulfilled promise is simply disappointing. A lie is a slap.

[BB07]

An unfulfilled promise in no way conceals, hides, obstructs, or otherwise distorts the reality of another person. An unfulfilled promise is simply disappointing. A lie is a slap.

 

 

Really great words of wisdom!

[2sure]

I told my xH that he looks like Brad Pitt... guess what that was?

 

Thats a lie only if it made him really think he WAS Brad Pitt!! LOLOLOL

[Mimolicious]

Dunno... saw him wearing a grey suit a la' Ocean's Eleven after that. He sure thinks he got swagg like Brad.

[In_Repair]

Okay, I'll admit to and wear the OW badge of shame, but I refuse to be lumped in with the common WS MM just because my divorce hasn't been finalized. Most of us don't lie about it, and I see no reason too. Any woman I see even semi-seriously is made aware of my situation up front. I refuse to live that way.

Edited August 12, 2010 by In_Repair
...

[Mimolicious]

Okay, I'll admit to and wear the OW badge of shame, but I refuse to be lumped in with the common WS MM just because my divorce hasn't been finalized. Most of us don't lie about it, and I see no reason too. Any woman I see even semi-seriously is made aware of my situation up front. I refuse to live that way.

 

Magic words! You are being truthful and willingly disclosing this information, correct? One, out of respect and two, because it is your reality. Not everyone swallows their reality, nonetheless digest it.

 

Is not the best way to display "honesty" to be in your legal (at this point that's all it is, right?) situation, date someone and Oopsie! forgot to tell the person that you are MARRIED! That is lying by omission. You shouldn't have to be asked. If you are going to date me, I'll be under the impression that you are free to do so. Even if it's not legally (yet) but morally, yes.

[Owthathurts]

Okay, I'll admit to and wear the OW badge of shame, but I refuse to be lumped in with the common WS MM just because my divorce hasn't been finalized. Most of us don't lie about it, and I see no reason too. Any woman I see even semi-seriously is made aware of my situation up front. I refuse to live that way.

 

 

Thanks In Repair - do you tell your STBXW about the women you are seeing? Do you think it's necessary? Did you tell your STBXW about the women you saw (if you did) when you were separated (living)?

 

I just find it interesting that in a lot of the posts on the MB, there are a lot of "MM lie, MM always lie, don't believe the MM" If my xH was semi-seriously seeing this girl he would have told her about our situation, but he didn't feel it was necessary until the relationship evolved to that point. Technically/Legally he wasn't "free" to date other women, but emotionally he was...

 

My MM told me from the beginning that he was separated but still married and about all his baggage...I didn't go into this blindly.

[Mimolicious]

Thanks In Repair - do you tell your STBXW about the women you are seeing? Do you think it's necessary? Did you tell your STBXW about the women you saw (if you did) when you were separated (living)?

 

I just find it interesting that in a lot of the posts on the MB, there are a lot of "MM lie, MM always lie, don't believe the MM" If my xH was semi-seriously seeing this girl he would have told her about our situation, but he didn't feel it was necessary until the relationship evolved to that point. Technically/Legally he wasn't "free" to date other women, but emotionally he was...

 

My MM told me from the beginning that he was separated but still married and about all his baggage...I didn't go into this blindly.

 

Out of curiosity, who are you glorifying here? Your MM or your xH?

Your MM told you, he did the right thing. Your xH didn't tell his GF, the wrong thing, but you are minimizing his action because it was not necessary till his R evolved to a more serious one? Doesn't sound like he gave his GF much of an option. Once she was far into it, slapped her with the "Oh BTW, I am married". Yikes!

[2sure]

You are still kind avoiding something.

 

Your ex didnt tell the ow the truth until she found it out herself. Thats the same as lying.

 

Your MM being 100% completely honest with you doesnt change the fact that he is lying to his wife if she doesnt know 100% of the truth as well.

 

Lies dont become truth and truth doesnt become real depending on who you are telling what to.

 

Now, I'm not so righteous as to say every married man that cheats is some kind of unforgivable monster...lives are unique...but he is a liar of he is lying.

[Owthathurts]

Out of curiosity, who are you glorifying here? Your MM or your xH?

Your MM told you, he did the right thing. Your xH didn't tell his GF, the wrong thing, but you are minimizing his action because it was not necessary till his R evolved to a more serious one? Doesn't sound like he gave his GF much of an option. Once she was far into it, slapped her with the "Oh BTW, I am married". Yikes!

 

I'm not glorifying anyone.

 

My xH told his GF once they were serious, do I think that it was the right approach, no...do I think he should have told her from the get-go...yes. However, I am trying to make this point - when he revealed the situation of being married but separated, he could have been lying to her about where our relationship stood. What I am trying to show is this - if a MM tells you "I'm separated, we are still married & haven't filed for divorce but it is due to financial, children or miscellaneous situations" doesn't mean that he is lying. I see a lot of posts on the MB to the OW like "he's lying to you about staying married because of finances" or "he's lying to you about staying married because of his kids" There are a lot of reasons why people stay married and not file for divorce when they get separated. I know...I was in the situation.

 

Do I think that MM/MW should tell someone from the start about being separated? Yes, I learned my lesson. I had dated and been intimate with a guy during my separation. I had told him I was divorced because I felt that way - I hadn't lived with my H for 4 years. One night he asked me if I really was divorced (had the papers) and I told him the truth - no, not legally, but emotionally I felt that way. He had a hard time understanding that and was afraid that I would get right back with my xH. We didn't last long and I blame myself, but I was honest about the emotional status of my marriage.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm not glorifying anyone.

 

My xH told his GF once they were serious, do I think that it was the right approach, no...do I think he should have told her from the get-go...yes. However, I am trying to make this point - when he revealed the situation of being married but separated, he could have been lying to her about where our relationship stood. What I am trying to show is this - if a MM tells you "I'm separated, we are still married & haven't filed for divorce but it is due to financial, children or miscellaneous situations" doesn't mean that he is lying. I see a lot of posts on the MB to the OW like "he's lying to you about staying married because of finances" or "he's lying to you about staying married because of his kids" There are a lot of reasons why people stay married and not file for divorce when they get separated. I know...I was in the situation.

 

Do I think that MM/MW should tell someone from the start about being separated? Yes, I learned my lesson. I had dated and been intimate with a guy during my separation. I had told him I was divorced because I felt that way - I hadn't lived with my H for 4 years. One night he asked me if I really was divorced (had the papers) and I told him the truth - no, not legally, but emotionally I felt that way. He had a hard time understanding that and was afraid that I would get right back with my xH. We didn't last long and I blame myself, but I was honest about the emotional status of my marriage.

 

 

Isn't it possible that it wasn't just about the "emotional state" of your marriage for him. Maybe he didn't want to be involved with someone who was legally, emotionally or whatever tied to another person. You didn't give him that choice until he asked. That could have made him compromise his own standards(without his knowledge), that made you someone who deceived him. Though you told the truth the second time you were asked....you let him get more deeply involved with you with the first lie.

[Owthathurts]

You are still kind avoiding something.

 

Your ex didnt tell the ow the truth until she found it out herself. Thats the same as lying.

 

Your MM being 100% completely honest with you doesnt change the fact that he is lying to his wife if she doesnt know 100% of the truth as well.

 

Lies dont become truth and truth doesnt become real depending on who you are telling what to.

 

Now, I'm not so righteous as to say every married man that cheats is some kind of unforgivable monster...lives are unique...but he is a liar of he is lying.

 

I don't consider my xH lying to me when we were separated if he didn't come and tell me about the "great girls" that he was dating or having sex with. So, my MM is not telling his wife that he lives separate from that he is with me...does she need to know this?

 

I honestly feel like it was none of my business what my xH did after we separated and I also appreciate the fact that he didn't tell me about the girls he dated or slept with - it would have hurt my feelings. It would have broke me, not because he is with another woman, but because he was with her so soon after we separated.

[Owthathurts]

Isn't it possible that it wasn't just about the "emotional state" of your marriage for him. Maybe he didn't want to be involved with someone who was legally, emotionally or whatever tied to another person. You didn't give him that choice until he asked. That could have made him compromise his own standards(without his knowledge), that made you someone who deceived him. Though you told the truth the second time you were asked....you let him get more deeply involved with you with the first lie.

 

You are right...I did deceive him. I admitted it in my post. I learned my lesson. I dated one person after him and he was made aware of my marital situation from the start. I know now from that misdeed I have to be honest from the start.

 

I am a bad person...I am the OW...I married a liar...I am with a MM liar and I am one myself.

[Owl]

Has MM's wife agreed that "seeing others" is acceptable on both sides as part of this seperation?

 

Is this a "temporary seperation", or a "seperation pending divorce"...and more specifically, do both MM and his wife see it that way?

 

If the agreement or expectations have been clearly set between MM and his wife that they're now both open to "be with" others during this seperation, and/or they've both agreed that this seperation is intended to end in divorce...I would agree with you that there's no expectation that she should be aware of his activities.

 

But... many times there's a "temporary seperation" where there is NOT an expectation of seeing others...at least on one spouse's part.

 

If it's not spelled out clearly, if that's not part of the expectation or agreement between them...then his lack of disclosure about his activities on your part is indeed an intentional and deliberate deception.

 

It all boils down to expectations and agreements between the spouses.

 

In YOUR seperation, there may well have been no deception since it appears that this was clearly communicated between you two. My question is if this is the same in your MM's seperation?

[bentnotbroken]

You are right...I did deceive him. I admitted it in my post. I learned my lesson. I dated one person after him and he was made aware of my marital situation from the start. I know now from that misdeed I have to be honest from the start.

 

I am a bad person...I am the OW...I married a liar...I am with a MM liar and I am one myself.

 

 

I honestly don't know you. I have no clue if you are a bad person. But yes, I do believe when people aren't informed so that they can make a decision based on all facts that are available they are being lied to. No matter the circumstances surrounding them. And since is a forum on AP I am only speaking in the context of this situation. Bad person...don't know, but you did have to learn the lesson. A great number of people not only don't learn the lesson, they continue to lie to those who are affected the most.

[2sure]

So, my MM is not telling his wife that he lives separate from that he is with me...does she need to know this?

 

I would agree with that as long as they were not living together AT ALL and both actively seeking divorce. In that case, I would not think that revealing who you are dating would be of much real interest to a stbx.

 

He would be a liar only if his wife was under the impression (because of something he said or didnt say) that divorce was not necessarily going to happen.

[Owthathurts]

Has MM's wife agreed that "seeing others" is acceptable on both sides as part of this seperation?

 

Is this a "temporary seperation", or a "seperation pending divorce"...and more specifically, do both MM and his wife see it that way?

 

If the agreement or expectations have been clearly set between MM and his wife that they're now both open to "be with" others during this seperation, and/or they've both agreed that this seperation is intended to end in divorce...I would agree with you that there's no expectation that she should be aware of his activities.

 

But... many times there's a "temporary seperation" where there is NOT an expectation of seeing others...at least on one spouse's part.

 

If it's not spelled out clearly, if that's not part of the expectation or agreement between them...then his lack of disclosure about his activities on your part is indeed an intentional and deliberate deception.

 

It all boils down to expectations and agreements between the spouses.

 

In YOUR seperation, there may well have been no deception since it appears that this was clearly communicated between you two. My question is if this is the same in your MM's seperation?

 

 

So, I have asked my MM and all I can do is judge on his past honesty with me about other issues and situations that he is honest with me on the expectations of his wife during the separation. He has told me that she knows he is leaving the town that they live in, he has not lived with her since last year, she is seeing someone else and has been for the past year, she is aware that he is seeing other people (not specific names or level of relationship). Is she okay with it? I don't know. I have asked him this question also "Does she want to get back with you? Is she thinking that this is temporary? Does she know that you are done with the relationship and no longer want to be with her?" His response, "She knows that I am done with our marriage and that I take all the blame for the failure. She wants to get back with me when things aren't going her way or when the kids are misbehaving." I have told him explicity that I don't want to be "the one" that is being told that it is one way with this separation and then come to find out via a nasty call from your W that she was under the impression that you two were working it out.

 

I just read the statement from Swiss Beatz STBXW about her outreach to Alicia Keys, asking her to fall back since he was still acting like he wanted to work things out with her. I would respect that wish and step back if I felt that this separation was temporary.

 

In my other thread, I had talked about the FB status of my MM and his W, she is well aware that his FB status is single because when he changed it from married she lost the link to his profile. She knows he is out there doing his thing.

[Mimolicious]

I'm not glorifying anyone.

 

My xH told his GF once they were serious, do I think that it was the right approach, no...do I think he should have told her from the get-go...yes. However, I am trying to make this point - when he revealed the situation of being married but separated, he could have been lying to her about where our relationship stood. What I am trying to show is this - if a MM tells you "I'm separated, we are still married & haven't filed for divorce but it is due to financial, children or miscellaneous situations" doesn't mean that he is lying. I see a lot of posts on the MB to the OW like "he's lying to you about staying married because of finances" or "he's lying to you about staying married because of his kids" There are a lot of reasons why people stay married and not file for divorce when they get separated. I know...I was in the situation.

 

First, what's MB? You keep on referencing it. There is a difference in "Staying Married" and in fact "Separated" than "Staying Married" and saying they are "Separated". There are far few cases here when the MM/MW is in fact separated and only legally binded to their H/W. I don't see where that creates a problem for any of the parties involved if in fact D is in the near future. Once the wrinkles are ironed out. Sometimes time is not on anyone's side.

 

 

Do I think that MM/MW should tell someone from the start about being separated? Yes, I learned my lesson. I had dated and been intimate with a guy during my separation. I had told him I was divorced because I felt that way - I hadn't lived with my H for 4 years. One night he asked me if I really was divorced (had the papers) and I told him the truth - no, not legally, but emotionally I felt that way. He had a hard time understanding that and was afraid that I would get right back with my xH. We didn't last long and I blame myself, but I was honest about the emotional status of my marriage.

 

Maybe your legal status was not such an issue for this fella, but the fact that you changed the story the second time could have lead him to believe that your emotional status was not in sync either.

[lolapalooza]

This thread makes no sense to me. Your xH is not your MM, why do you keep comparing the two? It's clear both your MM and your xH lied, so the premise of your thread is shot to hell.

 

Am I missing something here?

[bentnotbroken]

This thread makes no sense to me. Your xH is not your MM, why do you keep comparing the two? It's clear both your MM and your xH lied, so the premise of your thread is shot to hell.

 

Am I missing something here?

 

 

Nope:confused:

[Owthathurts]

I honestly don't know you. I have no clue if you are a bad person. But yes, I do believe when people aren't informed so that they can make a decision based on all facts that are available they are being lied to. No matter the circumstances surrounding them. And since is a forum on AP I am only speaking in the context of this situation. Bad person...don't know, but you did have to learn the lesson. A great number of people not only don't learn the lesson, they continue to lie to those who are affected the most.

 

I learned my lesson.

[lolapalooza]

Nope:confused:

Thank you. All this spinning going on, I got dizzy and confused for a bit.

[Mimolicious]

In my other thread, I had talked about the FB status of my MM and his W, she is well aware that his FB status is single because when he changed it from married she lost the link to his profile. She knows he is out there doing his thing.

 

:lmao: Sorry, it just makes me laugh how FB has become the epitome of people's reality. Until you MM IRS status doesn't show filing as a single head of household, don't matter what FB says.

 

Sounds like your MM is not morally, physically and sentimentally "cheating" on his W. Your scenario doesn't sound too typical.