Pickiness and the genders...

[LoveLace]

I've learned something...so I think women are reasonably picky as far as stability, kindness, common interests and such...but between lines, I realize not everything is 100% compatible...everyone has flaws, everyone has individual interests that will make them different from another. A woman is more likely to dump on a guy because of a major issue...like commitment issues or plain being treated badly...

 

But I'm picking up here lately, that guys on the other hand, actually seem to take something pretty small and let it weight pretty heavily on my potential as a partner...like I don't know, she has that one little hair on her chin that I can barely see unless I get up close, or she didn't like that song as much as I did...she has that dimple on her butt...whatever...actually makes him question if we are right for each other.

 

Men think we seek perfection in wealth and looks, well I think men seek perfection in every little detail of personality, looks, everything...far as a lifetime partner anyway (well whatever "perfect" is in their eyes, depending on their taste)...if it's just for fun or FWB, is only when the small not so perfect things are acceptable. But they are enough for him to say "Nah!" if he thinks about an exclusive relationship with her.

 

I'm not saying men are "shallow" and all they want is a gorgeous looking model...I know that's not true at all. I'm just saying if you take a girl that is plenty good enough for them, they manage to zoom in on insignificant things to use an excuse not to get more serious with her. I could be way off, but it's something I've picked up on lately with different men in different situations...I had a friend say "I thought she was sooo hot until I saw this or that, so I don't think I like her anymore"....NOT that I've never changed my mind about my feelings for someone, because I have...but not normally over something so minor and tolerable...it just boggled me that he went from thinking she was so great until he noticed something that sounds totally unimportant to me. I guess we all have deal breakers...but sometimes I wish men would really let up on theirs.

[JohnnyBlaze]

Those guys are usually the ones who don't want a serious relation, either not in general, or not with that specific person. Like you said, they'll look for any reason to get out of it. Women are the same, but (in my experience) do it differently. Women seem to set up men to get into trouble, so the women can turn around and say "see, that's bad about him - he's no good for me", while men don't bother; we'll just pick any little thing and say "uh...yeah. That thing - that's the deal breaker." Both are horribly flimsy, but it makes the person doing it feel better about themselves (or not feel as bad), so people do it.

 

It's when you are just completely taken by someone that things change. There are two women in my life so far that I can say I have truly loved. In both cases, I knew of at least half a dozen flaws in each one (some of which would be considered major red flags to any sane person), but I wasn't bothered by any of them. In the case of the latter woman, I have even tried to be picky and say "naw, I don't like her after all" (she currently has a BF), but even seeing her flaws, I constantly come back to the same conclusion - I love her. I only wish I could be as dismissive about her as the guys you're talking about!!

 

It's all about lust versus love:

 

Lust is wanting to make the prettiest woman in the world happy tonight.

Love is wanting to make the greatest woman in your world happy forever.

[jamesum]

I only care about beauty and personality. Nothing else.

[Mad Max]

Pickiness is going to depend on the individual. Some recognize flaws and don't care, where as some will look for the very first flaw and bolt. The key is acknowledging your partner's flaws and loving them regardless.

[Els]

Both men and women are equally picky - just about different stuff.

[Blade Runner]

Another thread on pickyness, lists, genders...We just had a really similar thread. Who cares what men focus in on? The general population isn't going to change, and besides, the "general" population isn't who you're looking for. You gotta sift through them all to get to the right guy, but the fact is, the right guy is right for you -- so nobody else matters. The right guy won't pick out the things about you that other guys don't like. Because he likes you for who you are and everything that comes with it. Everybody else is completely irrelevant.

 

Some women won't date a guy who has an average or smaller sized dick. Everything else will be perfect. Some women won't date a guy if he doesn't have a car. Some won't date a guy who isn't 6' (plenty on this site, not all, but there are a decent number), the list goes on. Seriously. I'm sure there are women out there who pick out the tiny details just like you described with men. Hair, clothes, little mannerisms, who knows what.

 

Now I agree that there are a lot of men who pick on small things with women too. But as you said -- different things for different genders. And there are so many exceptions, so many different variables, we could sit here all day and discuss why guys and girls do this and that and how come they're like this, but at the end of the day, all that matters is that you're connecting with one person out there. That's what our time should be spent on...finding somebody to connect with. Not complaining about groups or so called majorities.

 

Nevermind that there's junk out there, it doesn't matter. It's like waves on the beach. They're not going anywhere, there's a lot of 'em, but who cares, you can surf right past them.

 

I used to think I had a type, or at least, I thought there were things in women I found attractive, and things that I didn't. Some kind of consistancy, something. I was wrong. I've only been seriously attracted to a few women so far, by that I mean epic crushes, not just "she's cute". And one thing I've noticed is they've been completely out of nowhere. For instance I always thought I wasn't such a fan of girls who dressed really casual, were sporty, etc. Which is kind of a minor, silly thing, for the right girl it should not matter. But I had it in my head that I had some kind of a type. Of course, that was absolutely ridiculous, because the last epic crush I had was on a girl who was exactly everything I thought I didn't like. And that's why it was so crazy. Love's like that. It makes it more wild, ruthless even.

 

These girls could have done anything, could have said anything, could have literally been everything I thought I didn't like, and I would have really still gone for it. So maybe those guys you're talking about, maybe they weren't so captured by the women afterall. Maybe it took a small thing to realize, but I think when you're really falling for someone, none of it matters. That's why love is so stupid, and so wonderful. Crazy.

Edited August 12, 2010 by Blade Runner

[zengirl]

I'm not indiscriminate, but I don't "pick" at things. I know people that do that, who will pick at silly things, but I separate that from genuine criteria. I mean, there's a difference between saying:

 

My girlfriend never wears high heels and that bothers me.

or

My boyfriend can't play the piano and that's a dealbreaker.

 

and saying something serious, like noting that they don't share your values, inspire an attraction that makes you want to sleep with them, or have a compatible communication style.

 

I guess the most random thing I'm "picky" about -- an actual specific criteria that is, in some ways, not fair -- is that I don't want to date anyone who didn't go to college. But, to a degree, this is a value to me. I came from a working class family, and I went to college. I went to graduate school. I paid for it all myself. Anyone who wants to, works hard enough, and is smart enough can go to college in America today (not as easily as they should be able to), so if it was important to anyone, and they worked hard and were smart in many of the ways I find appealing, they would have gone to college, barring any unforeseen drama. Education is one of the most important things to me, and I want to create a strong, educated family if at all possible. So, this is a value I hold dear. I wonder if high heels or the brand of a car or random talents are really values. Maybe sometimes they are; that's up to the person in question.

 

Certainly, I care about looks, values, communication style, compatibility, interests, and other qualities, like intelligence, but I'm not nitpicky about the details of it. There are things I can point out that I "like" but I've dated the opposite in some cases. This is more me reflecting on what experiences I've had. It's more a vibe thing. I can reflect on what's worked in the past, but I don't use it as a reason not to see a guy. That's generally based on the yay/nay feeling my gut gives me, how much fun I'm having with them, and how compatible/attracted we seem.

 

At the end of the day, though, what does it matter? The only time being "picky" is a fault is if it doesn't work out for you. If someone is getting bad results at dating, they should examine themselves, including this, to see what they can fix. If they're doing fine, what's wrong with them being discriminating? Why does it offend anyone?

[MrNate]

So women are just so forgving of so many traits? So why do a lot of men here think women are very picky? HM.

 

The previous posters explanations should suffice. We all have things we value, and everyone values different things.

 

Jeez.

[LoveLace]

Then why are there men who can't get through a first date no matter what they do?

 

I don't know, I'm usually the one who can't get through the 1st date.

 

Your right though if your in love then flaws don't matter because you love them too. But I'm talking about what comes before love...or well, what keeps love from happening anyway. I don't think anyone is going to fall in love with me if they are spending time looking at me with a magnifying glass. At first they just see the big picture of me but as time goes on, flaws become more visible..I mean I notice guys when they are noticing something about me...and I can tell if it's something that turns them on or off. It just bums me out that minor flaws about me are going to keep someone from sticking with me even though I'm plenty good enough......I'm not saying a person can't decide to not like me for other reasons because I'm sure they do...but I'm talking about minor flaws alone because I think they are more effective than I'd like to admit...