DNR Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Hi everyone, I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this. If it isn't, someone please guide me in the right direction. I used to post on OW/OM. I am happy to say that I am no longer the OW. He and I are together and we are very much in love. Here is the dilemma: He wants to have a threesome. At first he said that it was up to me to choose with whom. So for a long time I assumed that he wanted me to be with another female, (which he does). So going on that assumption, when it would come up in earlier conversations, I told him that if I did agree to it, he was only going to watch and he wouldn't be able to participate, nothing, ziltch, zip, nada. He was actually ok with that. He has brought up the subject several times and it always ends up the same with me blowing it off and conveniently putting it aside. I have never really said I would or I wouldn't. It came up recently about 1 month ago and I did tell him that I didn't think I could do that and I wasn't sure if I ever would/could. He dropped it. I have told him on several occasions that this subject is not an easy one to discuss and that I really dont' want to. A couple of weeks ago we had what I call a fight but he doesn't think it was. Just talking of things that needed to be talked about. Nothing came up about the threesome. So a day later we talk more, we make up and he tells me that as my 'punishment' he wants me to think about a threesome. He gives me a week to think about it and give him an answer. A week comes and goes and I never bring it up. He gets really irritated at me because he knows it's something we need to talk about. So we finally talked about on Monday. He's really serious about this. Here's what we talked about: i asked what his expectations were, what it was he wanted and he said he wanted me to be with a girl. I asked what he expected out of that and he again asked me what I wanted and I told him he would have to sit there and do nothing, like I said earlier. Again, he was OK with that. I asked him if I said 'no' would he stop bringing it up and he said he didn't know. I told him that if I agreed to it that it would only be a one time thing and it would never happen again. He wasn't OK with that because he was expecting this a few times. That surprised me....or maybe it didn't. Then somehow this came up; he told me that he thought I would be more comfortable with a guy instead of a girl and wanted to know if that surprised me. That did. Then he threw in that if I did go with a guy he WILL join in but that if it was a girl it would be my deal. He said he doesn't want me thinking that he may be paying more attention to the other girl and not me etc... We discussed the impact it could have on our relationship and he said it would either NOT change or it would get better. I asked him what he was going to want in return and if he was going to have the attitude 'you did so now I can' and he told me no that he would never do that. He even promised which is something he rarely does. He's not the jealous type. I know that for a fact. He actually enjoys having other men look at me. My issue is that I don't want to do this but I do want to please him. I know I wouldn't enjoy it and would have to fake it so that it would be over quickly. I have to wonder if this isn't coming from his marriage. You see the ex came to him with the proposition of a 1 time sex deal and gave him permission to do the same. He agreed but wasn't interested in that. He told her he wanted a threesome. She agreed but she never followed though with it. He went on to have a relationship with me and the rest is history. I was molested as a child and raped when I was 15. I have never told him about it because it hasn't affected our relationship and I'm very embarrassed by it. But now I'm feeling different. I'm afraid it's going to make me start thinking about it again. I can't believe what kind of a cluster f#%@ I've gotten myself into. I really do love him and I know he loves me and I want to please him. Can you guys give some thoughts? Thanks, DNR
caramel c Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 You both have issues, and I am not saying that to insult you. Doing a threesome will bring nothing good to your lives or to your relationship. But, I do not think that you will heed this warning...
Author DNR Posted August 11, 2010 Author Posted August 11, 2010 Caramel, Yeah I know we have issues, so does most of the population in this world. I know what I need to do.
lovebugguy Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 If you don't really want to do it then tell him. He should also be thinking of how you feel about it. Explain to him why you are not a hundred percent into it. Maybe he'll understand. Or maybe he won't because he has been wanting this for so long. If it won't kill you or make you feel really horrible about yourself, or him, or the whole thing, then maybe you can try it out. Test the waters. If, during the threesome, you suddenly feel uncomfortable and that you don't think you can do it, then you can always walk away. He has to understand in case you do refuse to do it. If he won't, then something is terribly wrong about him. Think about it really hard.
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