LDR, herpes, a taxing visit...

[pandagirl]

I just got back from 10 days of visiting my boyfriend. Of course, it was wonderful being with him, but we fought quite a bit. It was hard. Why? Well, in another post I said how I got a herpes outbreak right before the trip. This happened during my last trip, too, which is so odd because I usually only get one outbreak a year, if that.

 

So, we didn't have sex the last visit. And that really affected me emotionally. It felt really crappy not to have sex with your boyfriend, knowing you're the reason for it. This time, I was so excited to make up for the last trip, and I got ANOTHER outbreak.

 

I took meds and it cleared up pretty fast, but he still didn't want to risk it. This was emotionally devastating to me. On top of that, though we specifically planned the trip to avoid his busy work schedule, it didn't pan out that way. So, on top of having to spend nights watching him work until 3 in the morning, there was no physical intimacy.

 

I was trying too hard to make something happen, and he said he could sense it, and it made him feel awkward and said it didn't feel natural. He stopped me in the middle of a BJ one night. I tried not to take it personally, but I couldn't and kept on breaking down in tears because I felt so rejected.

 

We would just go to bed at night, kiss, and then he'd fall asleep. And I'd be laying there so sad. I feel so unwanted and undesired. It's been so long since I've felt desired in that way. Yes, he would hold me and tell me I'm beautiful and that he loves me, but the lack of physical intimacy really took a toll on me. So much, that I started having dreams where he left me for another woman.

 

As a consequence, we ended up fighting a lot. He doesn't understand how emotionally devastating having herpes can be in these situations. I told him I just wanted to feel sexually desired by him, and how rejected I felt. He just told me that was totally untrue and that I needed to just deal with it and move on. That it isn't a big deal. Me crying just made him feel really stressed out and frustrated.

 

I think, deep down, I just wanted him to be OK with having sex with me. I took the meds, it cleared up. I asked my doctor how long I should wait to have sex after, and she said to wait a few days to be safe. Even after that, he still didn't want to risk it.

 

I just need to hear some opinions on this. Am I being over emotional and irrational? Is it weird that my bf didn't want to have sex with me? Do I just need to get over it and deal with it?

 

(One more thing: I've never had to deal with herpes in this manner. The fact that our relationship is long-distance makes everything more difficult, because you only have so much time together.)

[Ruby Slippers]

It could be that your stress about everything going right during this limited time together is triggering the outbreaks. Dealing with herpes has got to be hard enough. Then you throw in the distance, and that only multiplies the difficulty. Sounds like it sucks. Sorry.

[Pink Cupcakes]

Next time just don't tell him about every single outbreak, especially if it clears up before you see him.

[alexlakeman]

Next time just don't tell him about every single outbreak, especially if it clears up before you see him.

 

That's not right...

 

My ex gf had herpes and she told me, we researched it and I was fine with it for the year or so we were together.. Now, i did have std tests every 4-6 months just in case, lol..

 

I can see his frustration, but sh.it happens.. especially in a ldr.. .I'd be pis.sed off too... get a local bf, forget the long distance crap

[that girl]

Herpes is going to be an issue when you have a non-infected partner, but kudos to you about being open about it.

 

Next time just don't tell him about every single outbreak, especially if it clears up before you see him.

If he's made it clear he cares, this is a major violation of trust and something dump-worthy.

 

What I wonder is why you guys don't just use manual stimulation. That seems like it could give you the sexual moments you want with basically no risk. But then I notice you said you wanted to feel desired, not that you wanted to get off.

 

I think you need to think about whether or not this is the guy for you. Neither of you sound wrong to me, but sometimes people just don't match up.

[meerkat stew]

You are either going to have to get a grip on your emotions, at least while around your BF, or you are going to lose him. Your feelings are understandable, but your inability to hold them in and control them is likely causing extreme frustration and helpless feelings in your BF which will eventually drive him away. If he is already stressed and working til 3AM, your problems and issues will likely start killing his attraction if they continue unabated.

 

Alternatively, you may be just one of those people who aren't suited for LDRs. I don't do them for many of the reasons you have listed. They are tough and stressful even without added physical issues.

 

Best wishes in finding a solution.

[Pink Cupcakes]

No deception going on in what I said. If she had a breakout, took meds, and doctor said it was OK, there is no need to tell the guy.

He doesn't have to know about every single outbreak as long as she knows she is safe and takes care of things.

[pandagirl]

Herpes is going to be an issue when you have a non-infected partner, but kudos to you about being open about it.

 

 

If he's made it clear he cares, this is a major violation of trust and something dump-worthy.

 

What I wonder is why you guys don't just use manual stimulation. That seems like it could give you the sexual moments you want with basically no risk. But then I notice you said you wanted to feel desired, not that you wanted to get off.

 

I think you need to think about whether or not this is the guy for you. Neither of you sound wrong to me, but sometimes people just don't match up.

 

I would never not tell him about an outbreak. I told him I had it on our first date. I know he loves me, which is partly why he doesn't understand why I'm so upset over it. It's like he doesn't even see it as a big deal, just something to deal with. He says, "We're going to be together for a long time, who cares about two times we can't have sex?"

 

The thing is, exclusive of these herpes-related trips, we are great. I think part of it is this situation has brought out the extremes in us. I became very insecure and needy, and needed constant reassurance. He hates doing that, to the point of frustration and anger. I needed to feel desired and wanted; he would hold me and tell me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. But it was never enough for me.

 

Have I internalized this problem too much? My bf says I'm taking the information and making up my own narrative. All of this crap has also been carried over from my LAST trip, where we didn't have sex also.

[InceptorsRule]

LOL guys just can't do anything right can they.

[D-Lish]

Panda, you're letting the Herpes rule the relationship, and I think because you put so much emphasis on it, that your bf is emulating all of your fears and concerns. You're anxious and focused on it, it's only natural that he's going to mimic the emphasis that you are placing on it. In essence, he's simply reflecting your fears and reacting to them with the same level of anxiety that you are.

 

I think that taking the meds will be a huge load off your shoulders.

Check this out with your doc, but I am pretty sure that before you have your next visit that you can start taking the meds a few days before you go and stay on them through the trip. This, coupled with using condoms is much, much safer sex.

 

You tackled one of the hardest things anyone in your situation has to get through- the initial disclosure! But you're making every meeting as intense as that initial first conversation.

 

I think he's stressed, because he's reacting to your stress. If you're making a big deal about it all of the time, or you're always worried about a break out- he's going to mimic your fears and it's going to get in the way of your relationship.

 

IMO, you need to take the focus off of the H and focus on other things. Take the emphasis off of the H, continue to be responsible with the topic of disclosure and precaution when it's an issue, but don't make the relationship about the H. Once your bf sees that you aren't stressed over it all of the time, he'll become less and less reactive himself.

[Green]

I woiuld never be in an LDR. You sound like you were a real handful on the visit.

[pandagirl]

Panda, you're letting the Herpes rule the relationship, and I think because you put so much emphasis on it, that your bf is emulating all of your fears and concerns. You're anxious and focused on it, it's only natural that he's going to mimic the emphasis that you are placing on it. In essence, he's simply reflecting your fears and reacting to them with the same level of anxiety that you are.

 

I think that taking the meds will be a huge load off your shoulders.

Check this out with your doc, but I am pretty sure that before you have your next visit that you can start taking the meds a few days before you go and stay on them through the trip. This, coupled with using condoms is much, much safer sex.

 

You tackled one of the hardest things anyone in your situation has to get through- the initial disclosure! But you're making every meeting as intense as that initial first conversation.

 

I think he's stressed, because he's reacting to your stress. If you're making a big deal about it all of the time, or you're always worried about a break out- he's going to mimic your fears and it's going to get in the way of your relationship.

 

IMO, you need to take the focus off of the H and focus on other things. Take the emphasis off of the H, continue to be responsible with the topic of disclosure and precaution when it's an issue, but don't make the relationship about the H. Once your bf sees that you aren't stressed over it all of the time, he'll become less and less reactive himself.

 

Thanks, D. I can always count on you for sound advice.

 

For all my self-analysis, I haven't seen this situation in the light you just described, but it makes sense. I've been quite self-absorbed with my own "woe," that I haven't been able to see outside of it.

 

But you what you say is rational and logical: he will react to my emotions the way I show them. He can't stand my intensity about it. He doesn't understand it. He doesn't understand why I am sad all the time. It really frustrates him.

 

Not all of our visits have been like this. The first two/three visits we had after he left were completely drama-free and amazing. It's only the last two when I had an outbreak that it's been difficult. I think deep down, I am insecure and afraid that this is something that makes less than desirable as a woman, even though cognitively, I know that is not true.

 

I just had so much emotionally riding on this visit. We'd been apart for the longest stretch since he left, we'd both been feeling disconnected because of our busy work schedules, and last trip, no sex either. Bottom line: I didn't cope very well with everything, and in return neither did he.

 

 

I woiuld never be in an LDR. You sound like you were a real handful on the visit.

 

Oh, I'm always a handful, in good and bad ways.

[D-Lish]

Thanks, D. I can always count on you for sound advice.

 

For all my self-analysis, I haven't seen this situation in the light you just described, but it makes sense. I've been quite self-absorbed with my own "woe," that I haven't been able to see outside of it.

 

But you what you say is rational and logical: he will react to my emotions the way I show them. He can't stand my intensity about it. He doesn't understand it. He doesn't understand why I am sad all the time. It really frustrates him.

 

Not all of our visits have been like this. The first two/three visits we had after he left were completely drama-free and amazing. It's only the last two when I had an outbreak that it's been difficult. I think deep down, I am insecure and afraid that this is something that makes less than desirable as a woman, even though cognitively, I know that is not true.

 

I just had so much emotionally riding on this visit. We'd been apart for the longest stretch since he left, we'd both been feeling disconnected because of our busy work schedules, and last trip, no sex either. Bottom line: I didn't cope very well with everything, and in return neither did he.

 

Maybe it can help to realize that you can essentially create fear and anxiety in your partner simply by making a big deal out of it yourself. If he sees you worried about it, it makes the fear in him more substantial- and he'll react to it with an equal amount of fear- because he observes you giving power to it.

 

You just have to stop making the "H" the most important thing in your relationship, because it's not. Your fears and insecurities regarding the H

are fueling his anxieties at the moment.

 

He accepted you the moment you told him what was going on- it's you that hasn't accepted he can see beyond that!

 

You guys can get beyond this, but the bottom line is that you have to minimize the power the herpes has over you.

 

You guys have the capacity to get through this- I believe that 100%.

[Els]

PG, there's one part I don't understand. You had 10 days together post-outbreak. While sex shouldn't be had while you still have active symptoms, the risk of having sex WITH a condom after the symptoms have subsided is probably less than the risk of having sex at any other time without condoms (correct me if I'm wrong, but I recall you're on BC). Or was that still too much risk for him?

 

You're right in that LDRs, just like any form of hardship couples endure together, bring out the extremes in people. When I was in an LDR, I tried to focus on the good extremes. It reaaaaallly sucks when things don't go to plan, when you have to cram all of your 'together time' into such limited timeframes though. Goodness only knows I've thrown more than a few sulks about that during my time.

[InceptorsRule]

When a woman doesn't feel like having sex with a man, for any reason, and he insists upon it and gets bent out of shape over the denial, he's an ogre, violating the woman's right to self-autonomy.

 

When the man does exactly the same thing, it's his fault if the woman's feelings get hurt.

 

LOL.

[Els]

You seem to have comprehension trouble. Nobody said it was the man's fault, not even PG herself.

[Green]

You seem to have comprehension trouble. Nobody said it was the man's fault, not even PG herself.

 

I think he is pointing out that if a man came on here with such a reaction to a woman who didn't want to have sex he'd get attacked. There are different standards.

[Els]

When a woman doesn't feel like having sex with a man, for any reason, and he insists upon it and gets bent out of shape over the denial, he's an ogre, violating the woman's right to self-autonomy.

 

When the man does exactly the same thing, it's his fault if the woman's feelings get hurt.

 

LOL.

 

No, he's saying, very precisely, that if a man doesn't feel like having sex, people say it's his fault the woman's feelings get hurt.

[pandagirl]

PG, there's one part I don't understand. You had 10 days together post-outbreak. While sex shouldn't be had while you still have active symptoms, the risk of having sex WITH a condom after the symptoms have subsided is probably less than the risk of having sex at any other time without condoms (correct me if I'm wrong, but I recall you're on BC). Or was that still too much risk for him?

 

I'm not on BC, so we've always used condoms, more so because it makes him feel more comfortable. We didn't have 10 days post-outbreak. I realized I was having one on Thursday, I started taking meds on Friday, and I left for the visit on Saturday. You're supposed to take the meds for five days, which brought us to Tuesday. To be sure, you're ok, you should wait a few days after to make sure you're not contagious. But he still didn't feel comfortable. I think that what hurt my feelings so much. Even though my doctor said it was fine, he still didn't want to have sex with me despite not having sex with me for 3 months.

[spookie]

Why didn't you have sex post-outbreak?

 

Why did he stop you in the middle of the blow job?

 

If you really couldn't have sex, why didn't y'all mess around in other ways?

 

Part of me is w/ D-list and thinks you're maximizing the herpes issue and letting control your life more than it should. If you were moody the entire time because of the outbreak, I can see why he wouldn't want to get sexual. You probably freaked him out where he wouldn't have stressed about it before.

 

Did you bring up the herpes in the middle of the blowjob? I can see how that word alone would be kind of a turnoff. I mean, just because someone's accepted it about you, doesn't mean your sex lives need to revolve around it.

 

But maybe I'm way off...

 

And another part of me is thinking something's up with him. What guy stops someone in the middle of a blowjob???

 

If I didn't get any on a 10 day trip, I would be PISSED :sick:

[spookie]

But he still didn't feel comfortable. I think that what hurt my feelings so much. Even though my doctor said it was fine, he still didn't want to have sex with me despite not having sex with me for 3 months.

 

Did you ask him why?

 

If that time slot was as safe as it's ever gonna be, perhaps y'all need to have a conversation re-visiting his acceptance of it??

 

Of course you are hurt. I think you really need to talk to him.

[pandagirl]

Why didn't you have sex post-outbreak?

 

I think I explained it in another post. Basically, he would feel more comfortable if we were able to wait a week (as planned parenthood recommends) after an outbreak to have sex.

 

(this is that the PP site says: "Stop having sexual contact as soon as you feel warning signs of an outbreak. Warning signs may include a burning, itching, or tingling feeling. Do not have vaginal, anal, or oral sex — even with a condom. Wait until seven days after the sore heals. The virus can spread from sores not covered by the condom. It can also spread in sweat or vaginal fluids to places the condom doesn't cover.")

 

Why did he stop you in the middle of the blow job?

 

I gave him one that he was very happy about. When I tried again, he said he just wasn't in the mood.

 

If you really couldn't have sex, why didn't y'all mess around in other ways?

 

This is the more complicated question to answer. I think a lot of things attributed to it. The last time, we definitely fooled around quite a bit despite my outbreak. This time... it was not that way. Though he was very affectionate, it was like he was not sexually interested in me at all. I brought this up to him several times, and his answer was always things felt off. My emotional intensity, my upset state, my insecurity, outbursts and crying didn't make him feel sexual.

 

 

Part of me is w/ D-list and thinks you're maximizing the herpes issue and letting control your life more than it should. If you were moody the entire time because of the outbreak, I can see why he wouldn't want to get sexual. You probably freaked him out where he wouldn't have stressed about it before.

 

Did you bring up the herpes in the middle of the blowjob? I can see how that word alone would be kind of a turnoff. I mean, just because someone's accepted it about you, doesn't mean your sex lives need to revolve around it.

 

But maybe I'm way off...

 

And another part of me is thinking something's up with him. What guy stops someone in the middle of a blowjob???

 

If I didn't get any on a 10 day trip, I would be PISSED :sick:

 

Haha, no I didn't bring it up in the middle of the blowjob.

 

I wasn't pissed, I just felt rejected and hurt from not feeling sexually desired by my boyfriend.

 

 

If that time slot was as safe as it's ever gonna be, perhaps y'all need to have a conversation re-visiting his acceptance of it??

 

Of course you are hurt. I think you really need to talk to him.

 

I think part of the problem is he thinks we've talked about it MORE than enough. He just wants me to relax and accept it.

Edited August 10, 2010 by pandagirl