The Lost Guide to the No Contact Policy

[scubaskunk]

i understand what you are saying and i think it is all great, but could you apply it to the relaitonship i am in now???

 

My ex and i have been broken up for 7 months now... everything was doing okay, until recently he's been soooooooo mean to me and the only time we talk is on the phone bc i live halfway across the world. when he broke it off we didn't talk for 2 months, then outta the blue he calls and like you said NOT to do I gushed out all my feelings to him and i think that might have been a mistake. he's very disrespectful to me now and i don't know how to deal with it. should i just not talk to him for a long period of time and see what he does, or should i just let him go or what, please help, thanks

[moimeme]

respect her space, but i also want her to respect my need for sitting down & talking about unresolved issues, i feel like a family with a missing child, totally in limbo & lost

 

You know what? Even if you have changed, your absolute refusal to acknowledge that she's told you it's over and she's seeing other men would CREEP HER OUT for all time. It creeps ME out.

 

Scuba - don't take abuse. Tell him to leave you alone and move on.

 

Are you people masochists or what? They told you to get lost - if someone calls you up afterward and treats you badly, cut them off.

[monkey]

She told me she wants to be alone & that she wants to see me, just not now!

She said she will meet other men, but this was to hurt me & make me give her space.

Whatabout my feelings here, i love her so much & am being made to pay, all because i had a medical problem, i hurt so much & it gets worse!

[moimeme]

monkey - do you ever read this site? It has happened to MANY other people and they go on and get over it and move on. That is the healthy thing to do.

she wants to be alone & that she wants to see me, just not now!

 

That was a long time ago. She also told you, more recently, that she is seeing other people. You cannot hang on to the past forever. That was then, this is now and you have to move on. It is VERY unhealthy to refuse to let go the way you are.

[sami]

Your train will eventually pass this station whether you like it or not. Better to like it though. Good luck

[lost_in_chgo]

Ah the move-on majority speaks again.

Monkey listen to that, it's good advice.

It should be considered.

 

Stats:

About 1 in 20 marriages have survived formal separation. (10% of 50%)

http://www.divorcereform.org/rates.html#anchor168283

Pay attention everyone, that's a new statistic.

That's marriages that have separated formally. No doubt more have survived informal separations.

 

Marriages are harder to break up and to put back together. I imagine that a dating relationship would be easier to leave and also easier to reestablish if the desire is there on both sides. Typically the desire is there on only one side at the start, if at all, (the dumped) and one only one side (the dumper) when they reconsider. Usually, the dumpee has closed the doors, welded them shut and dug a moat around the fortress.

[monkey]

I've been brought up to not lie. She told me these things & i believe her.

It wasn't a long time ago, it was November.

Why do you condone lying, surely this isn't correct.

If i had lyed to her about something, all the hurt people on here would tell her to ditch me, double standards.

[hurtingandconfused]

My ex Girlfriend once told me that she wanted to grow old with me. We planned a lot of things together. And at the time it was a wonderful story. Kinda like a novel with the happily ever after at the end.

 

But here I am reading and typing.

 

My point is people change, and so does the meaning they said. That was the past live in the present. Plan again but this time plan without her.

[monkey]

Some people change, but others have morals & sacrifice things, even if it means going without ourselves.

I can't trust again, every relationship in the future, i will live in fear & expectation of this happening again, whoever it may be!

I trusted her more than anything, my family said she would ditch me in Hungary & would use me, she never did & proved them wrong, i believe she will again!

[amish]

Monkey,

 

You need to get out of the "Second Chances" forum and move straight to the "Coping" forum. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

 

If you don't start dealing with things your panic attacks will be the least of your mental issues.

[monkey]

What the hell you on about, this is what i'm doing.

If she was having panic attacks & it was my ambition to be in USA, i would have sacrificed my dream, so she would be ok, & if necessary i'd have taken her home.

People shouldn't be so selfiish. I have no reason to think she won't be with me again. I never beat her or cheated, I WAS UNWELL, get it , NOT MY FAULT. If you want me to write it again i will, this is why there's visiting times in hospitals, SO LOVED ONES CAN VISIT UNWELL RELATIVES, not to say "oh, you've got cancer, can we have a divorce".

[Dixiecron]

Quote: "oh, you've got cancer, can we have a divorce".

 

So, your girl decided to leave because you were unwell. Therefore she didn't love you enough to stick with you through your illness. Does this not disqualify her as a candidate for "love of your life" ?

[floydgondoli]

Monkey - I have been visiting the site for 4 months since me and my ex-girlfriend broke up. I have posted once, but mostly read the advice of others.

 

I have gone through a lot as well. I have had a tough time as well. And I do appreciate the situation that you are in. However, if you do not get a glimpse into the reality you are currently living, you will drive yourself crazy.

 

I can tell you as an outsider reading your posts - if your emails are anything like what you have posted on this site, she should run faster than the wind.

 

My ex-girlfriend said all of the same things that have been posted here on this site numerous times. She has not brought up the relationship in 4 months. Words mean nothing unless they are backed up with actions. And her actions are telling me that she would prefer to be alone. That is the only thing you should be focusing on now when it comes to her.

 

Ask yourself oner fundamental question: Have you done anything since you and her parted ways that has made your life better? If not, do you not think you are cheating yourself just a bit?

 

Nothing but love will bring this person back. Nothing but love should bring her back. If you leave her to her own devices, she may just realize yet what she has done. She may not. But you cannot control what she does, says, thinks, or feels.

 

I tell you this for your own good - you are making me feel sorry for you when I read these posts. Imagine what you are doing to her. Pity would drive me away. A lack of respect for who you are as a person is most likely what you are getting now.

 

Take care of yourself and try not to force things to happen. If you do that, you will most likely get everything you want out life - with or without her.

 

If the love is as strong as you say it is, get well and live a better life and she just may re-develop the feelings you once knew her to have. If she does not, will the anxiety of always wondering if she loves you or will do this to you again help the unfortunate circumstances regarding your panic attacks. I suspect not.

 

In that case, you'll realize that she was not worth any of the struggle. But you will not know that until you move away from the situation.

 

Please take care of yourself and focus on you. You deserve someone to focus on you for a change. The best person I can think of is you.

[lost_in_chgo]

Monkey,

 

First off, don't think that she was lying to you, she may have just changed her mind, but more likely she made a very tough decision to move on for her own sake.

 

An illness is a tough thing to deal with and she may have just been overwhelmed by it. I have done the same. I dated a girl years ago who was diabetic and did not take care of herself at all. I knew that eventually she'd end up terribly ill, dead or disabled. She desperately wanted to be married. I loved her, but i had to break it off. I was firm with her and told her all the reasons why. She asked if down the road some day....and I said no.

 

So 3 months later she found someone else. a year later she was married. Six months later she was in the hospital looking for a pancreas. I lost track after that.

 

Now in your case it probably wasn't your fault, but that's really irrelevant.

 

Your ex was looking at a possible lifetime of caring for you or dealing with your passing. Why should she want to buy into that? If you are married, then it's something that comes with the territory. If you aren't then, you cut your losses and move on. That's what she did.

 

Like it or not, that's the reality.

 

Now maybe if she gains some comfort level with your state of health and the relationship she will return. But your behavior is all self centered and selfish. You are trying to convince yourself that it isn't, but most everyone here has a different opinion. Stop and think about her side of it. Stop being indignant about her "lies". Back off. Stop focusing on yourself. If you can't you might as well call it quits right now and go to "Coping" as suggested by someone earlier. You will never be able to reconcile if your are harboring all that resentment.

 

I'd suggest dating someone else. It may help to reset your bitterness and give you some perspective. You don't have to give up on the ex, but you are going to have to forgive, understand and forget. She was a victim in all of this too. So don't blame her for the way things turned out.

 

Your case is one of the special ones where you have a clear cut reason to believe that she left you for some other reason than just incompatibility, abuse or dislike. You do have a chance with her in the future, but not the way you've handled it so far.

 

So, OK, you've backed off. That's good.

Now back off some more.

Concentrate on yourself and feeling good about things. Otherwise this is going to eat you up and destroy any chance you have of putting things back the way they were.

[exhausted]

Monkey,

I am fairly new to this forum but I have read so many of your posts already. Speaking as a woman, I can say that I am exhausted by your self pity. Many others have problems too but at least are trying to help themselves and listening to advice.

 

Please try to work on you. Make yourself the best you can be. "Fake it til you make it." Then perhaps, someone new will come into your life and make you happy again. There comes a time when we all have to say

" enough is enough!"

[fishman3226]

This is fishman's version of no contact policy...

 

1. Remember and learn the following: "I do not need him/her, I want him/her. I want $1,000,000 but I do not need it to survive." You will not die without them, you will wake in the morning and still have your own life.

 

2. Put yourself online thru online dating websites and meet new people. No ifs, no buts. Your ex was with you because you have admirable qualities - offer them to someone else. Think of your ex if you want them back as another 'potential' future partner.

 

3. Dont contact your ex. No reason to, don't do it. You do it and you push them further away. Give them a month and say something like "hi, wanna meet up for a drink?" Then DATE them and see what happens. Refer number 2.

 

4. Do not act needy. Do not make out that you are incomplete without this person. You remain true to your belief in yourself and fact is you are more attractive, not only to others but to your ex.

 

5. Exercise and make yourself better. Realise that fate will dictate if good things happen or bad - if you are good to yourself then good things will happen. So do good things for yourself.

 

6. Talk to people, counsellors and friends. Be objective. DO NOT analyse everything - no mater what you cannot get into their head. Refer to number 1.

 

7. Feel bad, but remember to honour and respect yourself. If you made mistakes then look and learn from them.

 

8. Remember that if you are destined to get back then you will. Do not miss out on an opportunity if it presents itself. You could find true happiness if you look to your own future than to your past.

 

NOw i have not got back with my ex and I honestly dont know if I want to - but this is what I am going to do. Seems OK huh?

[RobertoPNW]

Originally posted by fishman3226

 

NOw i have not got back with my ex and I honestly dont know if I want to - but this is what I am going to do. Seems OK huh?

 

That's a good attitude. I haven't talked with my ex for about a month now, but I have dated several girls since. You know...each date helps me to see that I have so much to offer and I feel better. There are other girls out there that will give me that same relationship I had with my ex. But, deep down I WANT her back dammit!

[fishman3226]

Mate, sometimes I think about a girl I dated 8 years ago. If I went out maybe her I would try again. I want this lass back (I think) but I am moving on.

[RobertoPNW]

Oh I'm doing all I can to move on. In fact, I have a date tomorrow with a nice girl I met earlier this week. Problem is my ex's friends encourage me to try talking with her. They give me hints about how she is doing. Honestly, I don't seek the information.

[monkey]

Hi lost

I do think of how she feels & i always talk of the guilt i feel, my therapist says i should concentrate on myself, but i hate the fact i indirectly made her feel crap.

Yes, i believe you are correct about her thinking she will be looking after me, i have told her i don't want her to & that just being there for each other, as in normal relationships, no special treatment.

I also said i never want to go back with her, i want to go forward & never see that insecure fragile person again. I kinda broke down with my illness, not a pretty sight, it was embarasing.

 

I understand how she must have felt, as i have done this 'role reversal' thing with my therapist.

I just know that if she was ill, with the same thing, i would still be there now, & i just hurt that she seems to know the future & thinks i will never be ok, but care for her feelings & worry about her, i definately do & i've told her this. There's just so many things in my head, so much pain, i guess i could be selfish for feeling that she is being selfish. All this ignoring & unnecessary raised voices & not being able to be adults & sit & chat about it.

I'm just sensitive & she isn't! I'm just not like her in the way that from one minute, you can be in love & then i get ill & that love goes, for me it doesn't & it's hard to take

[lost_in_chgo]

OK,

 

So "no contact"

 

After my recent communication from the ex, I've heard nothing.

 

My response to her was neutral as she requested.

 

I expected maybe a reply after a week. Perhaps other factors are applying here, but I tend to think that she is trying to stay distant. I can only interpret this as an internal struggle on her part.

 

Let's hear some opinions.... Arabess??

 

Also here's another interesting post from a woman's perspective from caretoo.

[caretoomuch]

Lost,

 

Like me you are in turmoil over the silence. You are one up on me and at least heve heard from her. The distance thing is interesting ... internal conflict ... they want to know you but not get too close. I think it was mandrews who once said ex females get curious about their exs after a while and 'need' to know what they are doing - not a sign of reconciliation just female curiousity. A lot like ex wives - they dont want the male but sure as hell still try to rule their lives.

 

The mystery lies with them and you may never know.

 

The silence could be many things as the other thread has tried to explore - i think it is a predominantly female thing and us mere males need more female insight.

 

cheers

[YssaBoo]

OK,My BF and I broke up the week before Valentines Day,his decision.My mom told me about the no contact rule and I did it. He called me the following Monday and wanted to know if I was going to the Y.I had made plans and he seemed very disappointed and got very quiet on the phone,he does this when he is upset. I used to change my plans for him,but I didn't this time.I told him I would be there the next 3 days,but he wasn't.He has a friend that was home that wanted to ask me out when we were dating and I don't think he wanted me around him.He works where my dad does and on the following Th he asked if I was going to the Y to work out,so I called and told him I was going and wanted to know if he was.He said no that he was going with this friend. Would he have just wanted to keep him away from me if he knew that I was available now? He doesn't call anymore,but he emails me right away if I do and answers his cell when I call. I also saw him at the Y on Friday night and waited for him to come up to me first,and he did. He is acting so much different and watches me the entire time we are there and comes up to me and talks alot.I do believe in this rule and I know it is working. Good luck to anyone who uses it and let us know!!

[NEONINK]

Dear lost-in-chgo...

I would have been tempted to reply to her, "Darling, you should be so lucky... See ya"

 

That original email sounded like the biggest game-playing I've ever heard of. Wow! Woe is me. What a Drama Queen. Are you sure you would even want that basketcase back even if she groveled on her bloody hands and knees?

 

 

And Tony, I think there are a few valid reasons for considering "taking back" someone. If life screwed you both up and you both were left scratching your watch and winding your butt, then maybe there is some justification for second chances.

[fishman3226]

Man, I have a wierd version of this going on - I had originally planned to only have 'business' contacts - like"you got a letter" kind of stuff but my ex keeps coming over whilst I am trying to instigate the whole no-contact policy. I wish she would leave me alone because every time she comes over we end up holding each other and sharing feelings and so on - I ask her about how she feels when I hold her and so on, I am playing mind games (putting seeds of thought in her head) by saying stuff like "do you feel content when you hold me?" and "does anyone make you feel like this?" and trying to get her to think about how she feels in my company. She keeps agreeing that it is nice and good but she wont go so far as saying "OK, I know this is what I like, lets have a go!"

 

She tells me yesterday that she misses me and wanted to wake up next to me yesterday.....

 

I am not going to contact her at the moment cause I dont wanna give her too much so she is not 'sated' and misses me. I want her to think about everything and to be miserable without me.

 

I aint going to wait for her for ever - this whole thing of being with me but not is stuffing with mind and my heart - she aint gonna get the cake and not share it.

 

Wish I knew what to really do....