lookingforclarity Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 (edited) ive been with my boyfriend for about 2 years, and for the past 4 months (since we had moved in together) we have been having some interesting arguments... we are both alcoholics in recovery with many years, and so i do understand that we both actively work out our own issues as best we can on a daily basis. and im wondering how serious this issue is, or isnt and how to properly deal with it. being in a serious relationship is new to me, and i feel like im doing everything wrong. i noticed his porn watching was a lot, and after speaking to him, and to a few of my friends and mentors, i learned that its normal for men to watch porn...but i was clear with him about my insecurites, and that i would work on those things. and i have learned that its not about me (even though my first reaction was that i wasnt good enough), and that he's a man, its ok. BUT, my jealousy and issue with it got the better of me today and i completely did something stupid and i went through his facebook account and saw a thread of back and forth emails to a said amature porn star...like fan email or something, like "hey i love your movies, i watch them all the time, you are totally hot, how's life?"...i feel really uncomfortable, and i know i did something wrong by going through his email, but now what do i do with this information. i dont watch porn, and so i dont know what it acceptable and what isnt. when i confronted him, he laughed and told me that i was crazy, and that i needed to not take it so personal. how do i deal with my wrong doings, and then also deal with the information i found? Edited August 7, 2010 by lookingforclarity
TaraMaiden Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 No, not communication issues. Trust issues. you need to speak to a counsellor and discuss the situation. Off the top of my head, he might be replacing his alcohol addiction with a different one (to porn) because something needs to fill the gap. This is going to impact on your relationship. But you don't trust what you see, you don't trust your instincts - and you don't trust him - because his laughing it off and calling you crazy, is merely projecting a possible problem form him - on to you. Are you in therapy/counselling (if not with him, then individual)? You need to discuss this with a professional....
Author lookingforclarity Posted August 7, 2010 Author Posted August 7, 2010 @ tara, we have talked about going to couple's therapy. i want to save the relationship, and i have started the process with therapy, and we are waiting for our appointment for our visit together. my instinct is that everything will be fine, but no, i am not trusting or listening to that. he has a lot of sexual issues, and i am aware of that. i'm not sure what is acceptable behavior in this arena, i guess. i know i am not comfortable watching porn, and im not comfortable with a boyfriend that emails a porn star to have open communication with her. is that wrong? am i wrong for feeling this way? i dont know....this is all new to me, and im open to looking at my part. but at the same time, i feel like i am so open to look at my part, and forgiving him, that i am missing what is ultimately a deal breaker in this relationship. or maybe not. i dont know.
sugarmomma Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 You have to decide what your boundaries/dealbreakers are. If my bf watched pron every now and then I wouldn't mind. As long as it doesn't interfere with our sex life or day to day routine. So how often does he watch it? Also just because he is not drinking that doesn't mean he is going to get addicted to porn. That's not necessarily true. I'm sure in some cases addictions transfer but not all the time.
Author lookingforclarity Posted August 8, 2010 Author Posted August 8, 2010 @sugar i understand what you are saying...and im not bothered by him looking at it at all...im talking about him looking to have open communication with a girl that is a porn star. i dont think he wil necessarily get addicted to porn....but it is a possibility, all of us addicts look for a fix when we arent going to meetings or being honest about what we are doing. im looking for clarity as to what to do about him contacting this girl..thats all. is this behavior that can be changed, etc.
sugarmomma Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Well first of all you didn't have any right to go through his email. From that I gather that you don't trust him. As we both know, trust is the foundation to build any healthy relationship. Now at this point you can try to regain your trust in him but that would require him to be honest going forward. But the fact remains that you wouldn't have found out about this woman if you hadn't snooped (intuition). Is there anything else that causes the mistrust besides the email to the chick (who probably doesn't want him)? I don't think you guys have a strong enough foundation to build on. You don't trust him. And he doesn't seem very trustworthy. As far as what to do with the info you discovered, idk. It seems like a mess to me.
Author lookingforclarity Posted August 8, 2010 Author Posted August 8, 2010 @sugar thank you for your input...i have a lot to think about.
Recommended Posts